Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Angell

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I know now that my grief on losing siblings will never end.

It hasn't, not in years. It changes, and sometimes it doesn't visit until I lie down to sleep at night. Some days, it seems to have lifted and I can feel happy and content, remembering them, feeling the love they had felt for me and then, often, dreaming about them too helps.

But sudden tears happen at odd times, without even having knowingly thought about how much I miss them. 

The feeling of no longer quite belonging to this world, since we three were so close, and I have never felt as close to anyone else. I know I never will.

Intimacy, the closeness of complete trust and open-hearted love, unconditionally, was the bedrock of our relationships. Siblings are the only ones we expect to accompany us all throughout life, after all. The only ones who've known and loved us as children or babies, teenhood, and through life's phases. The ones who are supposed to be there in the future, through old age.

It feels like the gravity is missing and I'm just floating through some kind of dimension, not like the full-fledged real life I had before.

I feel isolated, like there is no one I can call, not ever again, who will truly connect with me on a soul-level.

The "survivor guilt" is a part of this loss, I suppose, but it's really more of a feeling that nothing is right, nothing feels complete, and I just feel lost.

It does not get better with time, although grief shifts and changes in it's expression and in intensity. 

It's always there and happiness is never going to be as complete again. This much I know.

I accept it.

But the sadness seems unbearable sometimes, and I'm glad I have found your forum.

Only those who have lost siblings truly understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Heartlight

When I was at my worst, the not-knowing-how-to-survive part, I couldn't find any information online about loosing a sibling.  Finally I found one article that said with great compassion that the loss of a sibling is considered less-than, but, in truth, our belief that we will have our siblings next to us through our lifetime is engrained and we don't realize we've believed that until we lose one.

 

It validated every not-knowing-how-to-survive feeling I was having.  When she was alive, I thought of my sister every day, in some way.  Even just to catalog in my brain the things I wanted to remember to tell her when we next spoke, which was once a week or more.

 

I have four sisters and at the memorial service for the one who died, we all realized that one of us is going to have to live through this four times.  The hesitation to live is palpable when you realize there is so much death coming.  It was a struggle that was complicated by my dad getting sick.

 

I agree that it shifts.  I agree that it never goes away.  I will, for the remainder of my life, wish that I had my sister or my dad to talk to.  Because of the grief work that I have done - and time, that terrible machine that pushes us forward - I can have happiness or I can sometimes honor them without pain, but who I am will never be the same as who I was.

 

I only hope I can continue to honor them and transform the pain and love that I have felt into something that helps me feel meaning in this world.  It is the only way I have found to find real peace.

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Firstly Angell thank you so much for starting this topic, reading your post is like reading my life exactly and so reassuring to know that it must be normal.

I guess apart from the obvious loss in general I find I have a lot of problems like I just can't think anymore, I seem to have no memory (short or log term) and completely understand what you mean about floating in some kind of dimension. I am naturally a happy go lucky type of person, but since losing my sister I feel so so guilty every time I do something fun or laugh etc. Not to mention losing every bit of direction.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Heartlight

Oh wow, Jess, thank you for saying that.  In all of my reading, I haven't seen anything about that loss of memory phenomenon but I also have lost my memory.  After my sister died.  There are things that I used to be able to remember and now are just gone from my brain - basically almost my whole life from before she died is like that.  I have some memories that are easy to recall, but that's because they have some emotion attached to them, but normal memory just seems gone now... and it's been six years so I'm starting to believe that it won't return.  :(

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Heartlight, I'm sorry I didn't know who started the conversation - very new to this forum stuff.

I'm so glad what I said made sense to you. It is reassuring for me also to know that it has happened to you too, perhaps it is some kind of coping mechanism where our brains shut out the pain or something like that. I find it is really frustrating and I feel sad and that I'm a bad person because I can't remember much. All you want is for them to come back, but the next best thing is to remember them ... but you can't :-(  Do you often just feel like your just existing? Do you suffer from guilt? I also lost my sister. I feel for you so much losing 2 people very close to you (I can't imagine it). After my sister died I saw a councillor because I felt so guilty for living and she started doing what is called guided visual therapy and it seemed to help, but then she moved so I didn't get far into it.

I am so grateful for this forum and thank you for sharing your experiences.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi again Jess, and Angell,

 

I, myself, haven't suffered any guilt for surviving, but some of my other sisters have.  It is so huge the variety of ways that grief manifests and all of them are normal.  But, even knowing that and passing that knowledge along to others, I am still surprised by the amount of relief I can feel knowing that I'm not alone in the many different ways it has manifested for me.

 

This forum is a wonderful thing and I'm glad you both have shared.

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Helia. I m new to this forum; found it by Google search with the hope to reach out to people like me and share my story with them. I m replying to this post because I have started recently to see a counselor and she told me :

 

"Grief seems to be a bottomless pain, but it isn't!"

 

Now I don't know much about Psychology and etc but I trust people who are professional in their job. So I have trusted my counselor and I want to start this journey to heal my pain after almost 19 years. 

 

I will be back and interact more, but for the moment just wanted to tell you that apparently it isn't a bottomless pain and if there is a way to be in peace with the grief of loosing sibling (or any loved ones), I want to find this way and I will certainly share it with you.

 

Best,

Helia

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
missingmybrother2009

Hi, I'm new to this site.... I just stumbled on it. I am 34 and lost my big brother 5 years ago in 2009 when he was murdered. His death was very unexpected, my brother was former military, former deputy sheriff and all around great guy. There were over 300 people at his funeral but I can't deal anymore. It feels like I'm not the same woman I once was. He was 7 years older than me and he wasn't just my big brother, he was like a dad, he was my prptector and best friend. He walked me down the isle at my wedding and I know I should be thankful for the 29 years that I had him. It just feels like all of my happy moments (like the birth of my two sons are always tinged with sadness. I still remember his phone number by heart and I just want to call him. I want to hug him. I want to see him hold my babies. I want him back. I didn't think I'd make it after he died but I drank a lot and that helped. Then my husband and I found out we were having a baby and that helped. Then the murder trial which was a joke was over (the guy got 10 years, eligible for parole in 6.5) was over. Now it's just gotten to the point where I never feel fully happy and nothing helps. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have become an angry, bitter person. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I hope someone on here knows how I feel and can help. I can't afford therapy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peacefulwanderer

Hello All,

 

Thank you for sharing. I lost 20 friends during highschool and the couple years after to multiple suicides, car accidents, murders, cancers and car accidents. Although it was all very challenging, especially my best friend who killed herself, the loss of my brother was the most devistating. He was the closest thing to me in this life. He died in 2008 from a drug overdose and it has been a very difficult struggle. I spent thousands of dollars traveling all over the country studying so many types of NLP, Hypnosis and with many healers and it helped a bit after the loss of my other friends. However, many of the challenges you are expressing were still present. Then, I poured all of that anger, sadness, emptness into starting a company with a partner and invested all of my money (maxed out credit cards) moved him into my house and we made the company successful. Long story short, the recession hit and I found out my business partner and my live in girlfriend were having an affair and then shortly thereafter they left me and took the business, my money. This all happenned a year after my brother. I suddently found myself with the loss of my money having to claim bankrupcy, my company, my best friend and business partner and my girlfriend and had to watch them enjoying everything I built. All this on top of still feeling numb from my brothers death. In order to escape the vastness of the pain, I went to Sedona to help my Shaman friend with a business idea and he had me sleep on the ground, meditate, drink and eat healthy foods, swim and he had me do a forgiveness ceremony in the moon light. It was very healing for me and I was able to release a lot of pain. After reading all of your stories I am feeling guided to put together a 2 day camping trip to take everyone through the same process I went through. Essentially, it's creating a sacred container so that we can peel back the onion and sit with the deepest dephs of the darkness we feel. In that darkness, we forgive ourselves. Reading everyone's stories helps me understand that everyone could be there to support each other. I am looking for a camping location that is breathtaking yet provides the space to let go of the anger, rage, sadness that gets locked up inside of us. After my own process, I have been holding forgivness ceremonies at burningman at the temple every year at sunrise and many people have shared how healing it is. Just want to be of service and would love your feedback. Would you only prefer to be given the forgivness ceremony to do on your own or would you prefer to be in a group setting? Happy to send to anyone who would like it as well. Just send me an email at joshua.wenner@gmail.com. Also, I am writing a book called, Grief 2 Grace and here is an except that may be of help.

 

"My outcome is not to help you heal or to fix you or to take away your pain. That would be taking away the gift that your experience has brought you. My outcome is to be a catalyst to help you remember the truth. The truth that the pain you feel in this moment is your greatest catalyst. It’s the greatest gift you have ever been given. Right now you feel more alive, more connected to this life, the senses, emotions the body than ever before in your life. Through the numbness is the true beauy of life. As we go through life sometimes we can forget that this life is temporary. The soul and spirit are eternal but this body and the time we share on earth is temporary. When we lose a person close to us it reminds us of the true fragility of this life. This body you occupy is the greatest miracle that ever existed. Your senses giving you the deeper experience of life. When we lose a person close to us the deeper the connection, the deeper the feeling of loss. The harder we loved the more emotion we feel. What if the pain you are feeling is actually your greatest growth you will experience on this planet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.