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Beezinca

What is "normal"?

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Beezinca   

I buried my father a few weeks ago, my mother 7 years ago and a brother 11 years ago.

I lived 3000 miles away from my dad, but was the closest to him, calling at least a few times a week since mom passed to check on him. My sisters lived locally, one was estranged. He was survived by 10 grandchildren, including my daughter (the youngest) who was the joy of his life.

After flying back, handling all of the arrangements financially (no insurance, nothing), finding a home for his dog, selling what I could from the house and handling administrator duties, I am spent emotionally. Because my dad had a reverse mortgage on his house, we are also losing the house we grew up in. It seemed like the hardest thing ever to fax the mortgage company a letter saying we are walking away from the house. The finality was almost too much to bear. I am 40 and an orphan. I am also the youngest in my family and with everything I have handled, it's a huge weight to bear.

As I am sure is normal, I am having some anxiety issues, in particular with being away from my daughter, who is 8. She doesn't really comprehend what's happening. But the thought of her losing me or me losing her is weighing heavy on my heart. Normal? Probably. How is everyone coping with their grieving anxiety?

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my mom died suddenly 2 and 1/2 months ago at the age of 53 of a heart attack and we didnt even know she had any health problems i have to take anxiety medicine just to get through the days i dont know if i will ever feel normal again 

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Hi Beezinca,

 

(and warm wishes Jana's Daughter)

 

I'm sorry about your dad :(

 

The losses in our family have created a great deal of combined anxiety among us.  From great fear that stopped our actions to near-permanent anxious state, we've been working through various iterations of fear and anxiety that have come up.

 

When my sister died, my niece had severe anxiety about dying in her sleep and having her boys find her in the morning.  We made an arrangement that I would phone every morning and if she didn't answer, phone the police (we lived in different provinces).  This happened for a few weeks until she lost the anxiety.

 

After my sister died, both another sister and myself had anxiety over travel - her by car and myself by flying.  My sister who died, died peacefully in her sleep and had nothing to do with travel.  This just had to go away on its own.

 

I took myself to see a counsellor at one point because I was living in high-anxiety for days and couldn't calm down.  The counsellor and I determined that when I became truly engaged in something, this anxious state went away.  I then found things to do that engaged me, rather than just 'doing' thing.

 

After my dad died, both myself and another sister had extreme fear of dying... every moment of every day.  She still has it, though it is finally subsiding, I have worked through some of mine.  I remember the change that happened in me, I started to break down the thought patterns that led to the seeming-permanent state of fear.  This came naturally because I was trying to find meaning in this act of living anyway so I was able to find the fear thoughts and soothe them as I went.  I even had to investigate anatomy to show myself that the feeling in my chest was not my heart.

 

The first time my mother packed her suitcase to go somewhere after my dad died, she suffered terrible anxiousness.  This woman has traveled the world but her life and her confidence was shaken so badly that packing for a three week trip to my house left her panicked.  Unfortunately, the only thing for that one was to push through.

 

Just like grief, I am sure the many and varied ways that anxiety can hit are very individual but I did want you to know how normal I consider it to be.  The only thing that I have found for it is to face it in some manner, whether it be examining it or appeasing it in a healthy way.  For instance, with my niece, I found there was no reason to try to talk her out of her anxiety, instead, we determined a course of action for her to feel less anxious until the normalcy of life kicked back in again.

 

It is natural to feel anxiety.  Perhaps there is someone you can talk it through with to see if you can determine your best course to deal with it?  I notice that Jana's Daughter is taking medication to help her through and this is another route that you may decide on.

 

You've also had the scary and sad estate handling, this certainly doesn't help.

 

However you find to help yourself, and perhaps that will only be time, be gentle with yourself for feeling these things.  It is only natural.

 

<3

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Im sorry to hear about your loss. I have also been dealing with a sudden loss. The loss of a loved one can be a profoundly painful experience. I have noticed the grief that follows may permeate everything from making it hard to sleep, eat, or muster up interest in the life that is going on around you. the emotional stress can affect behavior and judgment. It's common, for example, to feel agitated or exhausted, to sob unexpectedly, or withdraw from the world around you. I found myself struggling with feelings of sorrow, anger, guilt, and anxiety. What I found that helped me cope was keeping active and changing my daily routine. By doing that I didn't run into those familiar triggers that made me lose it.

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lamp   

I'm not sure I have anxiety, unless you consider anxiety an urge to get everything accomplished on my bucket list. I now feel more than ever that I have to accomplish something before it's too late. We've lost three parents between us in the last 16 months, so I guess what I'm feeling is normal. 

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