The unbearable pain of living

[Smitha]

On May 4th, like on any other Sunday, I was relaxing, seeing mindless soaps on the telly and waiting for my husband to call from Saudi Arabia, where he was working. My 5 year old was at her grand parents place enjoying her summer holidays. I got a call at 1 pm that my husband Suresh was in a horrible accident and was charred to death. How can a 30 sec call change your life so much?

I have been breathing in and out from that moment. Existing, not living.

He had got a job in India and was supposed to come back in a month. We had just taken the best vacation of our life at Bali in april.

Now to know I will never see the love of my life again?

We had strugled for 6 years to get our parents consent to marry as it was alove match. And we got to live together for so less time. Me, a widow at 35, with my entire life in front of me.

What is the point of going on when I feel my soul has been sucked out?

No one understands my pain. My soul mate, my only friend, my lover is gone and I have to continue on to fulfill my duty to our child and both sets of parents.

I feel crushed by the weight on my heaet and every breath in and out is a struggle. Will it ever get better?

[Gen]

Smitha i feel your struggle,since it has only been 1/12/14 my loved one passed away.I also wonder if life will get any easier.I've been togather with my love one 14 yrs.In time i hope we can get throuh our losses.My memories will last a lifetime.

[sim-law]

Smitha, my heart goes out to you, I too feel as you do, we must carry on and hope that life will get better. We who are left without our soul mates belong to the worse club in the world but at least being part of this community will let you know that you are not alone in your grief and I sincerely hope that this may give you some shred of comfort.

Feel free to write and vent your anger and grief it can help to let out your feelings and let others know what you are going through.

[Smitha]

Thanks for the kind words. I really want the support of people who get what I am going through. I don't think people around me get my sorrow at all. People are so uncomfortable with grief! The confused glances, stopping conversations when I come in, the comments, the advice on what I should do! I just want to talk about him, it helps me. But people get ao uncomfortable.

[MissingDaniel]

Yes, Smitha, unfortunately people tend to discourage your grieving and sadness, when what you really need is to express it.  That was something that frustrated me very much.  It seemed like after the first few weeks, everyone just went back to their lives and expected me to be able to do the same - but when your whole world has been rocked and you've lost your love and best friend, there's no way that is possible.  I remember how much I wanted to talk about him and keep talking about him because talking about him kept him alive in some way - and it became obvious that most people were not comfortable talking about him with me.  This group really helped give me an outlet to talk about my grief, where others understood what I was going through.  I hope it will do that for you as well.  I am very sorry for your loss!

[HeyJude]

Hi Smitha, it's very nice to meet you.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My gosh, a call like that certainly would be mind boggling!!

 

There is absolutely no way for someone who has NOT lost their partner to understand exactly what it is we are going through.  We not only lost our partner but our entire life is changed in the blink of an eye and we were not expecting that at all.  So many of us go from two income earner families to one who can barely make ends meet.  We not only lose our partner but a lot of us have lost their side of the family as well.  All our plans for our future are crushed.  We don't experience this kind of change in our lives when we lose a family member or friend.  This is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life.  I am constantly looking for his comfort when I come up against something that intimidates me.  But I have found out in the past year that I am not as scared as I thought I would be and that he really did teach me a lot.

 

So, with that said, you definitely have come to the right place.  We have people here who are at all stages of grief who are more than happy to talk with you.  Again, my condolences to you and your daughter.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Dr. Pat]

Hello Smitha - 

 

How my heart hurts for you! The sudden and unexpected grief is so very hard to wrap your mind around. How can it be? And for brief moments you think, no - it didn't happen - but hen your mind refocuses and you realize it's true. 

 

I have lost two precious husbands and am just 18 months away from the loss of my second wonderful husband. I'm a mental health counselor so helping people with grief has been part of my work.

 

Part of this journey for me was being "led" to create something tangible to help others grieving a loss of their loved one. Hence I created a website - Thriving Despite Grief.com. Their are services offered for a fee, but I just want you to know about an hour long talk (webinar) I give on how to help yourself through these early months of loss. It's free, even though you need to "sign in" so I can send you the link to the webinar. At the end there is a sales pitch - but you can just by-pass that. I hope the ideas will help you. You are just the person I had in mind when I created this!

 

With love and care for your journey,

 

Dr. Pat

[JennyC23]

It will get better. It has to. God (What ever God you prey to) Is very smart. Love must be nurtured for it to grow and flourish and when the one you love is taken from you it will fade in time. In a year or two or ten the deep sadness you feel will be replaced with warm memories of happy times but the black void you are currently drowning in will lighten, and become more buoyant. You will always love him, you will always miss him BUT in time it will fade to a memory.

[manilagirl]

My husband died 2 months ago. We were together 25 yrs. So hard to think I'm alone. I'm always sad. Friends try to comfort but I feel I'm intruding in their lives. I'm currently looking for a bereavement group.

[sim-law]

Manilagirl,

I hope you can find a group close to you, I want to join one also but cannot find anything close enough for me to go to. I think having the opportunity to talk to people who understand would be very therapeutic.

I don't like imposing on friends either, I feel that they have their own lives and agendas that do not include me.

I am sad all the time and it takes very little to make me fall apart.

I read a post the other day that mentioned about not being married, it was the first time I really thought of that, until then I still considered myself to be married but of course I am not. Do any of us really think of those words we say "until death do us part"? I certainly didn't, I thought we would live together forever or at least until we were so old we would go at the same time. Life never goes to plan.

[HeyJude]

Sim -

 

For now, I consider myself still married.  Just because he isn't here anymore doesn't diminish the dedication and commitment that I feel towards him.  I know society considers us single.  I'm 57 1/2.  I really don't see meeting another man who would even compare in the slightest to my husband.  He was my "once in a lifetime love".  I've said from the beginning that if God means for me to love another man He is going to have to hand deliver him to me.  Otherwise, I'm not lookin and I've decided that I will just make the most out of the time I have left.  I remember my Grandma, she never remarried after my Grandpa died and that was fine.  It was almost like it was suppose to be that way.

 

It is really weird and I can't explain it at all but I feel like my Jerry is living through me.  We were twin flames.  We became so much a part of each other that he is still alive through me.  I have done a few things so far since he's gone that I would have never attempted and I can hear him in my psyche telling me what to do.  Example:  I ordered a fairly expensive paper shredder at work.  Don't ask how I managed to do this but when I was unpacking it I cut the power cord  in two.  I thought for a minute and then next thing I knew I was peeling the coating off the wires, twisting them together and wrapping in electrical tape.  I was like "Good Lord...where did this come from???"  It was my Jerry.  It had to have been because that was the kind of man he was.  He could fix anything. 

 

Okay - I've babbled enough.  Now I am going to go attempt to put together a NordicTrack Elliptical Trainer.  I will be depending on my Jerry for help.

[Yasmin.Ali]

53 Days ago... I lost my husband 

 

My precious husband, No-one can replace him.
My partner for 24 years died at th2 age of 72, it's 53 days since he left me. The pain doesnt subside, the pain and tears keep coming more everyday. Everything i see reminds me of him. Everything i eat reminds me of him. His memory is everywhere in this home. He was so active and healthy, then he suddenly died of heart failure and liver failure. He was my comfort when i lost my first husband to liver cirrhosis. Then in 1993 we lost our first child, he was my comfort. Now that he is gone, who is my comfort. Two hours before i saw him, even though his feet were cold and he stood still, i still believed in my heart and in God that he would return home from the hospital. I told him I made his bed and cleaned the room and the children and I would be waiting for him. He gave me and the children so many years of happiness. The only comfort i have is knowing that he knew how much i loved him and how much his children loved him because we showed him and told him all the time. While he was in the hospital i would sing for him "happy journey" by Hank Locklin, now every night i still sing for him...Happy journey happy journey don't forget the one who love you so, I'll be lonely waiting just for you I'll be patient and forever true, Happy journey happy journey darling till that day,When you'll be coming back to stay...
I keep questioning God, Why couldnt he stay with me just a little longer. 
Nothing in this world can replace the happiness he gave me.

He was always so contented, he never complained.

Yesterday i went into the store room where he kept his clothes he would use to cut the lawn, his scent and presence was so strong, my grief started all over again.

I played a song he liked by Everly Brothers, dream dream dream... anything to feel his presence

I cant face the supermarkets or church, i cant watch movies or cook things i knew he loved.

The grief feels like it has no end. None of my friends or sisters can understand how i feel because they never lost a husband.

Everyday i question God, why , my two husbands, my son, then my mother and my father.

I still have my children, Sometimes they try to tell me jokes to make me laugh but all my humor is gone.

He kept devoted to Jesus till his last breath and he died a christian and with all of our prayers... this is my only comfort, this is all i have,

I want to say thanks to all the women who shared their stories, it helps me so much.

I appreciate any words of advise and encouragement 

Thank you all.
God Bless you !