My mom left me last month

[cheerz456]

I will start from the beginning and tell you that I grew up in a very Christian home with my mom, dad, and sister.  When I was 6 years old my sister passed away from complications of diabetes.  Later on when I was 20 years old and in nursing school my father passed away unexpectedly from a heart condition.  I felt as though my father and I were close and it still is taking me time to cope with his loss even though it has been 5 years.  Over those past 5 years my mother became very lonely and turned to alcohol to help her sleep at night.  The more alcohol she consumed, the more stress it put on our relationship.  She insisted that she was okay and that I needed to move out and get married to my boyfriend whom I had been dating for 10 years.  Since my mom and I fault most of the time we were together (over her problem with alcohol) I found this to be the best solution.  I had stayed with her for 4 years to try to comfort her but I was only making matters worse.  I ended up buying a house and getting married.  I felt as though we got a long much better after that.  We talked on the phone throughout the day and we seen each other at church on Sundays and some throughout the week. Although our relationship seemed to be better, she became more and more isolated but insisted that she was okay.  Last year she started seeing a therapist and became even more depressed.  I could tell she was getting worse and I insisted she move in with me and my husband.  Of course she refused and said it was a phase and that I worry too much.  She eventually committed herself into the hospital for treatment.  In the middle of all of this I became pregnant.  I knew that this granchild would change everything and would give her a reason to be happy. Last month, we were talking on the phone (like everyday) and I kept asking her what was wrong because she sounded upset.  After the 5th time of me asking she finally said "I dont want to live anymore".  She had said this several times before and like all of the rest, I felt as though she was just having a bad day. When this happened my husband and I would go check on her to talk to her and calm her down, but we were an hour away at the time.  Mom kept telling me to "hold on" and when I questioned her she said "Im trying to figure out this gun".  I became hysterical and my husband and I began passing the phone back and forth screaming, crying, and trying to rationalize with her.  While he was on the phone with her, I was on his phone trying to call people who lived closer to go check on her and when I was on the phone with her he did the same.  I remember screaming to the top of my lungs for her to quit acting like this and saying "you cant do this to me, Im pregnant." I was screaming and cussing just trying to get her to snap out of it.  After I calmed down enough to hear her response, there was no answer.  I called for her over and over and she never responded. I hung up and dialed her number over 30 times but never picked the phone up. By this time we had called the police, a co worker of hers, and all of her siblings to go check on her while we were on the way.  We finally heard from her co worker who had found her along with my uncle and he confirmed what I had feared.  We then took our time going to her house because I did not want to see her.  I didnt want that image to haunt me forever. She had shot herself while sitting on her couch...her cell phone still in her hand.  The last words she heard was me screaming...not telling her how much I loved her.  I just read her suicide note which added more to my confusion.  She explained how she had worked hard for everything that I had and because of that she didnt have much money left.  She went on to say that my father had told her that he thought that I hated him.  He said "She wouldnt care if I died".  In her note my mom said " You hated your father when he was alive so I dont know why you pretend to love him now that he is dead".  This was the first I have ever heard of my mom talking like this.  She never had this conversation with me when she was here. I dont know where this came from because I loved both of my parents. I dont know why she felt the need to put a guilt trip on me knowing what she was about to do. She did tell me once in the note that she loved me but she spent more time addressing people that she barely talked to.  I was the one who checked on her everyday.  I was the one who loved her.  I was the one who has died along with her.  Needless to say, Im lost, hurt, and confused.  I am about to bring a baby into this world and I am a mess.

[Webb2010]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can't imagine the pain and confusion you feel, but know IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Grieving Will take time but right now try and focus on your child who will need you, who will love you. Find a counsellor or someone to talk to.

Again my thoughts and prayers are with your and your child as well

God Bless

[waterfall]

Hi Cheerz

 

       I am so sorry you had to go through this. I can not imagine how painful it would be to have lost my mom in that way. I realize that you may feel like you should have been able to do something to change what happened, but one thing I have learned recently is that we have much less control over the things that happen in our lives than we would like to believe. I realize that any response I may give is likely to be inadequate under these circumstances, but I wanted to reach out to you because it is so important that you take good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. You need to do it for you as well as to be able to make sure you can be there for your baby. I realize that is easier said than done.

 

It is clear to me from what you have written that your mother was not well. From what you wrote, it sounds like she was not fully in touch with reality. I have no idea if she was drinking at the time or if there were mental health issues beyond that but her account of the events surrounding your relationship with your father seem so different than yours that it sounds like she was also struggling with some mental health issues. I think it is important that you not take the things she wrote in that letter too personally. She was obviously in a great deal of pain and sometimes when people are in pain, for whatever reason, they lash out at others, even those that they love. The mere fact that you are the one person she called in her darkest hour tells me that you were a central and important person in her life and I am certain when she said that she loved you in her letter, she meant it. 

 

I am in no position to give advice but my hope for you and your new baby is that you and your husband somehow find a way to use this pain (I'm sure you are in a great deal of it) as motivation to make this fresh start with your new baby as positive and peaceful as possible. If your mother had been healthy, I'm sure that is what she would have wished for you. Again, I realize that this is much easier said than done, but please be kind to yourself, take very good care of yourself, don't judge yourself too harshly, no matter what you think you could have done differently, and love that baby. My hope for you is that you will be able to create the life of joy and peace with your child that you would have liked to have with your mom. 

[Heartlight]

Hi Cheerz,

 

(and warm wishes to Webb and waterfall)

 

I wanted to take a moment to echo what has been said so far - that what happened with your mom was not your fault.

 

I also would like to say that I know that you may have a very, very difficult time releasing the feeling and image that you've expressed about you screaming and not telling her you loved her.  I have a very simple memory of my dad when I had the time to tell him everything and still I have memories of that last night when I feel confused as to whether he knew the depth of my love, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

 

But it seems to me that your mother was in a state that she was only going to hear what she decided to hear.  And I don't mean that she blocked you out, but it's extremely possible that she actually heard you yelling how much you loved her.  You have described the note and your relationship with both of them in such a way that it does seem that your mother was imagining a different reality other than the one you both lived together.

 

I know that this may not be of much comfort, because no one can really know what was happening in those thoughts of your mom's, but I just hope that you can understand that it was, in fact, possible that she heard different than your words.  When you recognize the differences in your truth and her statements, perhaps this will be helpful someday.  Those first moments of fear and loss can be traumatic in even an expected loss so please, please be gentle with yourself as you review and re-live that time.  We all do so truly just hold on and allow the pain and confusion to pass through you each time without judgement, as best you can.

 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this during your pregnancy too.  It's hard any time but the trauma of this event and the hormones of pregnancy must have you just exhausted   Lean, as much as you can, on your family and friends right now.  It is going to be confusing for you and you will have questions and you will have pain but maybe the comfort of this little baby will help, this little baby could be your little savior and you can be a mom that the best parts of your mom would be proud of.  You can love the baby for both your mom and you.

 

But allow yourself to be gentle with yourself, this wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done.  Someone titled another thread "my husband lost his battle" and I believe those words are very appropriate for anyone who completes suicide.  The battle that they endure cannot be fought by us and it sounds like your mom was at least sometimes trying.

 

Be still and feel the love that you know you have for her.  Hold onto that in your times of confusion.  In time, your confusion will ebb and you will be able to clearly remember the love she had for you and you can pass that hope for love along to your new family.

 

<3

[Evenheroesfail]

I can relate to your story in some aspects and in others, I couldn't imagine trying to covince my mother not to pull the trigger. The last time I talked to my mom before she overdosed was through a text message- I never responded. I was mad at her for abandoning me as a child so I feel your pain that your last words weren't "I love you" or something like that.

I like to think my mom is in a better place with her predeceased husband. She was suffering on earth and it seems as though your mom was too. Suicide notes can be nasty and not what you were "expecting" but try to remember that your mom was in a bad place. Some people feel "better" if they "low blow" the ones they love. My mom would call me and try to make me feel bad that I didn't want to spend time with her. At the time, I didn't want to see her because of her nasty words but now I realize she was suffering and the words weren't a true reprenstation of herself.

I couldn't imagine being pregnant and going through it. I'm only 21 myself but the thought of me having kids without grandparents breaks my heart. I like to think that children see the deceased and the deceased watch over them. Maybe my mother passing away spared my future children heartache- maybe it's the same for yours.

I hope my words may help a little... Its only been a month since I lost my mom and I'm still picking up the pieces. I may not have all the answers but I do like to talk and listen.

[cheerz456]

Thank you guys for your kind words.  It is not getting easier and I don't suspect that it will anytime soon.  I'm just glad when I make it through the day.  I am learning to cope with the guilt and confusion as well as the normal everyday stresses of work and life.  It does help to be able to express my thoughts without fear of judgement from those around me.

[Jay W]

That was a horrible experience. As I was reading I put myself in your place (which sounds strange) and could feel your stress and fear. I am not a therapist nor a counsellor (frankly unless they have experienced the same that we have they can only go by what the book says and it lacks practical experience - maybe I am wrong) but do know that when people take their own lives it is not because of someone in theirs that made them do it. I worked in a funeral home for a few years and saw some suicide victims and when talking to the family they all said that the person had their own problems (which they could not work out) and nothing to do with other people. As I said I am no expert and hope that my words may comfort you even a little bit. You will feel guilty and people will say its not your fault but you won't believe them. We do accept guilt even though it is not our fault and maybe its the way we are "wired". Try to think of better times and your baby and hopefully it will help you cope. It won't happen over night but will work itself out.

I lost my wife a few months ago and I have terrible guilt feelings. She had cancer and I kept her home but it was a trying experience even with help. I keep thinking I could have done more for her or even had more patience and that makes me feel guilty. I miss her and cannot see myself living much longer. I don't want to and if I was hit by a bus I would not care. But I have 5 small loving animals who are my only family and they need me. Despite my feelings about life not living and seeing no future I do not have the guts to do anything about it but grieve.