Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Feeling numb...


DHall

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I lost my mom this last July and the pain hasn't stopped or even subsided. I feel hurt, lonely, angry and most of all drained. I feel like nothing is the same or ever will be. She was my best friend, we talked about everything, we did everything together and now I am alone. Yes, I have other family and most important my son, which keeps me going everyday but inside I'm broken. I watched her deteriorate slowly. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. To watch this person, your mom, your life, your best friend, your rock suffer and slowly slip away and become someone else did something to me, it changed me. I go through emotions of sadness and most of the time anger, why?? Why her?? I don't understand. The day she left us was the day after her 65th birthday. She was not responsive and having trouble breathing. Up until this point I always told her everything was going to be okay, I told her not to worry. I lied and told her everyday that her condition was temporary, that she only needed to get her strength back and then everything will be back to normal but after seeing her the way she was I knew I could no longer keep these lies going, I can no longer stay in denial myself and I needed to tell her. I told her that it was okay to go. I told her that I was okay. I told her that I would take care of my dad and my own health. I told her that I would make sure my son does everything she wanted him to do. I told her she can let go. Not even a half hour went by before she passed away right in my hands. I can still remember her eyes opening very wide and staring at me then my dad as she slipped away. I can't get that image out of my head. It haunts me. I knew that I wanted to be there with her till the end but I didn't know it would do this to me. I'm haunted by the images and sometimes its hard to get it out of my head. I go on everyday as she would have wanted me to but I am empty inside, there is a void in me that will never be filled. I don't know what I can do. Its going on a year and I still cry, hurt and miss her everyday. Will this ever get easier??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I still have my mom.  She is 85 and she is my best friend.  I can't even imagine life without her.  Reading your post, I realize that one day I am going to have to face it.  I lost my husband which is the hardest thing I have ever had to live through in my life.  So I know your grief.  I do want to tell you something though.

 

I took care of my MIL her final 6 months of her life.  I was with her when she passed.  For me it was an honor to be able to be with her as her spirit left her body.  I actually felt her go.  I can't explain it but I really did.  And it was a beautiful thing, not something to be feared or scared of.  It is a very natural part of life in this physical body.  You are lucky that you got to be with your mom and how you told her to go on, it was okay, was a beautiful thing to do.  But now you have to live it ok?  Because she really is with you.  You need to keep your promises to her.  Part of your mom is still alive in you.  Put all that she taught you in life to use now and make her proud.  She will be with you, your dad and your son for a long while, until you all meet up on the other side.

 

She is so proud of the woman that you have become.  Don't remember her looking at you with her last breath as something bad, she was saying goodbye the only way she could at that time.

 

It does get easier.  You will never stop missing her and for the rest of your life there will be times that the tears come. Just let them.  You loved your mom so much, that is so evident.  I still cry for my husband and its been a year and 5 months.  I miss him so much.  It is at those times that I have to really think about what I believe so strongly in and that is that there really is something beyond this life here.  I know my husband is with me.  He gives me signs.  Pay attention because I'm sure your mom is giving you certain signs, trying to comfort you.  Take care and God bless you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Heartlight

Hi DHall,

 

(and warm wishes HJ)

 

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time and for the loss of your mother, your best friend.

 

You should know that what you are experiencing is common.  I have a memory of my father that took quite a long time to leave the forefront of my mind and I have talked to many other people who also have a traumatic moment that haunt them for sometimes even years later.

 

What I have come to understand is that it is part of the trauma of death.  When a person is in a traumatic situation, they can have any sensory input set up this type of "feedback loop" that makes it difficult to get on with the 'normal' process of grieving because a person gets stuck in that one moment and re-lives it, and the horror and trauma that it represents, again and again.  The normal process of grieving is painful enough but it includes the entire gamut of emotions.  Having a moment that is trapped in a post-traumatic way determines your place in your grief and doesn't allow for you to process because it slams you back into that moment again and again.

 

You must be exhausted.

 

The way that I experienced a movement from this traumatic moment (and I had a really bad one with my sister that lasted a very long time) was to embrace it.  To allow myself, again and again, to brace myself and then allow myself to feel the horror of that moment for the express purpose of loving myself through it.  I finally came to realize that it was not going away on its own and I learned how to give myself permission to feel how I was feeling and not judge the image or the pain.  To allow the horrific image, the cry and pain, and hold myself and pick myself up as I would an injured child - because that is what it reduced me to.  In this way, it started to have less and less hold on me.

 

It doesn't matter how someone leaves this earth, it is a trauma for those left behind, even if it is expected, even if you give them permission to leave.  I gave my father permission to leave too, I told him I would look after my mom.  A piece of my soul wanted to beg him to stay but I didn't want to make it harder for him or to make him have guilt and part of my trauma was not being true to my emotions and falling at his feet and begging him to not leave me.

 

When you have intense, insane contradiction like that, when you must say goodbye to a dearest loved one forever, it is a wonder we're not all more messed up.

 

Don't judge where you're at, allow yourself to feel the terrible pain of it and be the most gentle with yourself that you have ever been and yes, your grief will change.  It will be there forever (in my opinion) but you will be able to experience the fullness of your emotions for your mom and not just the trauma.

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi DHall,

 

When I was 2 years old, my father died. I'm 27 years old now. Up until about a month ago (when I ran into some serious relationship problems), I repressed my emotions. Now, every day is a struggle for me. I feel utter despair. Like I'll never get better. Anger at the Universe for taking my father. Anger at my girlfriend for opening this wound.

 

I'll tell you what my therapist told me: It does get easier, but grieving takes a while.

 

To be honest, I f'ing hate it. I feel utter rage at the Universe one minute. Then deep anguish and longing the next. Shortly after, I feel totally disconnected and numb.

 

But I have seen glimpses of light, and the small bit I've realized is it's a process. Your grieving process is your grieving process and no one can tell you differently. Keep grieving as you need to.

 

If you haven't already, I recommend you look into a grief support group or a therapist. They can help direct you when you're feeling lost. And of course, we're here for you too. Think of us as your rock...you can post whatever you want and we'll support you.

 

Thinking of you,

 

-David

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.