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Finding the strength to move on...


NO WILL TO GO ON

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NO WILL TO GO ON

My finance passed away in the night. I woke up one morning and he had been gone for several hours. I feel like I am still in the first stages of grief and it has been 5 1/2 months since he passed. I still cry every day just about. I took 3 months off of work but had to go back. I am very lonely but can't imagine moving on with someone else. His presence is every where in our home. All I have wanted is to be with him but don't want to hurt my family. Counseling didn't help. It actually made it worse for me for several days afterward. I have no desire to get out of bed, interact with my family, go to school (I teach), or pay my bills...nothing. I really don't care about anything except my thoughts of him. I know this is selfish but I can't seem to get past it. I see a Dr. tomorrow to try to get my depression meds adjusted. If anyone has any suggestions, any would be welcomed. 

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Hello.

I know how you feel. I'm almost a month in to losing my fiancé in a terrible truck accident. I wish more then anything that I was with him when it happened. I also have no desire to do anything except sit and think. Hours could pass and im still going over that days events and how I could have stopped it. Nothing helps. Only talking to other people who have lost a partner seems to make me feel not so alone. My other friends are basically useless (as terrible as that sounds). I would love to share stories if you like.

Sky.

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I'm so sorry.  I know those feelings.  I lost my husband to a horrible motorcycle accident about a week after you lost yours.  I too can't seem to get a grip on the depression.  Constantly thinking about him and what happened.  I'm a prisoner in this home that we shared.  I can't work.  Heck I can't really even drive unless I have no other choice.  So when the memories become overwhelming, I've got no where to go to get away from it.  No one to talk to except here.  Of course to be honest, part of me wants to be abandoned here.  For some reason, I feel like I deserve this punishment.  Getting away from it would be like I was leaving him somehow.  It is the last remnants left of what we had.  Our life together.  So I torture myself constantly, trying to hold on to those remnants and memories as if somehow they will transform me back in time, to that happy place..... with him.

 

Instead, it has become a prison of pain.  My own personal hell.  Where the memories are just amplifying what I have lost.  But it's all that is left.  It's all I have to hold on to.  It is the closest that I'll ever be able to be to him again.  So I sit here and endure the agony.  It's killing me.  I know that it is.  I feel the little bit of life in me, being sucked out ever so slowly with each day that passes.  Part of me wants it to stop.  A very small part.  The rest of me wants it to speed up and just go ahead and take me.  Get it over with.  This life, if anyone could really call it life, isn't worth it.  Something has to give.  

 

I've been fighting change.  I can't prevent what has already happened, so I hold on to every thing I can that still symbolizes what used to be.  I'm trying to hold on to what is left of my old "normal".  It's a loosing battle.  I lost before I even started fighting to keep it.  Even knowing that, the battle between my head and my heart still rages on.

 

I've thought about this a lot and I've come to my own conclusion.  I'm living in the past.  I'm stuck there.  I don't want new memories because I fear the old ones will fade.  My grip on them will loosen and Jerry will truly be lost to me.  New, is not welcome.  Different is not welcome.  I just want that safe cocoon of being wrapped in Jerry's arms.  Safe, Happy and Content.  Those things have been stolen from me.  Accepting that I will never have them with Jerry again is still more painful than living in this hell of what could have been, what should have been and what isn't.

 

With all of that said, I don't have a lot of advice on how to change it.  I can tell you the small things that have helped me just a little bit.  I've started changing my routine.  Just little things mind you, like where I sit.  Jerry and I never were much for watching TV.  So we hardly ever sat in our living room unless we had company.  We were always in the computer room at our separate desks, doing our own thing together.   I have changed that habit.  I now sit on our couch.  I even try to watch movies.  I got a laptop so that I don't even have to go in "that room" at all.  It is my safe space, my new "normal" routine. It is something that I can do that doesn't bring back memories of doing it with him.  I know it isn't much, but it helps.  It is my baby steps to change and acceptance.  That is all that I can handle right now, baby steps.

 

My heart goes out to you.  I'm sorry that any of us are facing this.

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I can relate to what you are  saying and feeling. I too lost the love of my life  suddenly in Feb. Just 3 months have past and it seems like it has been forever. My whole world has been turned upside down. I just want to be with him, where he is. I miss all the things we did together. Memories are all that are left now.  We had just bought a house and I can't even stay alone there at night. It is filled with constant reminders of us and what happened in there the day I found him upstairs unconscious. I can't get those images out of my mind and I am filled with so much guilt even though everyone says there was no more I could have done to save him. But he was my life, the reason I loved living in this crazy world. Now, its gone, our wonderful world together.

 

Just take one day at a time and do things at your own pace. I am sorry for your loss. If you ever want to talk I am here for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It has been 14 months since I lost my wife now and "moving on" is no easier than it was 14 days after she died. I still grieve every day. I've had counselling, taken anti-depressants and none of that helps. I'm not sure it's possible to actually "move on" as such - I think at best one just gets better at living with the pain. I try to imagine what my wife would be saying sometimes. She wouldn't want me miserable and I try to remember that, but of course that's much easier said than done.

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Shattered14

I too understand your pain as I am living in my own hell.  The what-ifs and what should have been consume me all day.   I miss him every second of every minute of every day.  I miss his voice, his face, his smell, his kiss, his hug, and the incredible feeling of warmth, contentment and love we shared together..  It has been 10 weeks and 3 days since I lost my love, and it hurts so much.  Mike was my home, my everything.  I have gone back to work only out of necessity.  I enjoy nothing.  I am interested in nothing.  So I go to work, I go to counseling, I go to the cemetery, and the rest of the time I sit alone staring at pictures of happy times as that is all that is left of that incredible life we shared.  I wish I had some moving words to tell you had to get through this but I don't.  I'm struggling just like you.  I just keep trying to get through each moment and I try very hard not to think forward because that I feel will truly be the end to my sanity.  When I think of spending the rest of my life without him, I get physically sick so I only think of today.  I pray for strength to endure this life alone and I long for the day when my time is done.  I pray then that I will be reunited with my love.  That is all I have to hold onto now.

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Ouch, I can feel the pain that has taken up your heart. I'll bet it actually, physically hurts. You mentioned it has been 5 1/2 months since your love died. Don't even think about "finding someone else" now. I was sorry to hear that counseling didn't work for you. They may have been going their "pace", not yours. Every grieving person is different. 

 

I'm a mental health counselor/grief counselor and have lost two husbands - one after 28 years and the second after 18 years. Can I offer a bit of advice for you? You're still crying almost every day. That's OK - you'll cry until you don't need to anymore. But try to allow it for just a short time (15 to 30 minutes)- Tell yourself at the start time that now is the time - it's ok to just give in to the sadness/fear/lonliness/anger/ whatever emotions are brewing. Then no matter what, when the appointed time is up - make yourself (pretend) to be better. Go to a mirror and smile at yourself - teary cheeks and all. It might even make you laugh.

 

You're not a failure if you find yourself breaking down at other times in the day. It takes a huge amount of energy to weep. So take good care of yourself. Take naps. Sip something soothing to you. Make these as a gift to you for the hard work you are doing.

 

Hoping this helps ease some of your pain.

 

Dr. Pat

Thriving Despite Grief

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Frenchie's Doris

oh boy oh boy.  i am reading all this and feeling every sharp painful word.

 

I lost my partner just over 3 months ago.... Ivery similar - I heard him breathing his last as I woke up next to him and tried giving him cpr and feeling him die.  

 

 know I am not coping... I have considered suicide on so many occasions..... anything to stop this agony.... and so I can be with him...... and then I find I am still living.... I don't like suicide it feels weak and selfish... but if something were to happen...somehow, where my heart stopped beating... or I got ill... I would feel I deserved this pain.  I deserve to feel terrible because I wasn't able to save him.... the amount of times I wish it had been me that died instead of him.

 

i thought that maybe just maybe I was starting to feel very slightly less distraught.... as the tears flow more freely and are less bottled up as it is just bursting out and I can't hold in the pain.

 

And then something happened today which made me feel I've lost him again.  He had a FB page with lots of photos... and we had a shared business page which had lots of photos on.  I had to pass admin of this page to someone else, who I just found out today, has deleted lots of the photo albums (there are legitimate reasons not this person being mean).  However, now I feel all these photos ... the meaning of our life for the past year.. can never be revisited by me when I feel better.  they are pictures and memories which have been erased.   like someone is erasing him from existence.  

 

It saddens me to suicidal levels once more.  I know nothing can bring him back and now I dont even have th esolace of the photos.  yes i should have them backed up, but I am not that good with IT.  so now.... all is gone.  and I feel even more alone than before.  Like he has left me again.  

 

I can't help you with your pain... but I can acknowledge that you are not alone in this misery, and sometimes just visiting this site and knowing you are not alone, and that everyone here suffers daily - and sometimes manages to find ways to cope to lessen the pain - gives me hope that maybe one day I will find a way to feel less crap... not to move on... but maybe, to feel less like knives in my brain and heart twisting and turning.

 

Good luck with your journey.  May you somehow find a way to feel less pain.

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