Time seems to make it worse, not better...

[daddys_little_girl]

In July of 2012, my dad was rushed to hospital by ambulance after he started to throw up buckets of blood. After 3 weeks of being in the hospital, my dad was sent home with a diagnosis of hereditary cirrhosis of the liver. On too of that, he was also told he had a very rare disease called Hepato Pulmonary Syndrome. This disease is a rare form of cirrhosis where the lungs start to get micro-tears in them as well as the deterioration of the liver. Not only was my dad in that tiny group of people, but he discovered he was even more rare. His form of the disease also caused his oxygen saturation levels to drop to about 75-85% (the normal is 98-100%).

What we had discovered very quickly is that cirrhosis causes the veins in your esophagus to enlarge. Picture blowing up a balloon. It stretches, but only so far before it pops. That is essentially what happened with the veins in my dad's esophagus. When the veins ruptured, the blood dripped into his stomach, causing him to feel bloated and throw up. The veins were banded to stop the bleeding and slow the process of enlargement down. Luckily this worked!

Unfortunately, my dad had to live with oxygen 24/7 until about a year after he was able to have a liver transplant. Close to a year after his first trip to the hospital, my dad went back to see a doctor to check the bands and see if any new ones needed to be put on. A few more were places around veins and he was sent home that day. We figured this meant we were clear if any issues for a while.

A week later, my dad was rushed back to the hospital after another bleed. This time, the bleed was worse than the first. My dad didn't even have the energy to walk to the front door, the paramedics had to,carry him from the bathroom. Early the next morning, my dad was transferred to a different hospital where his liver transplant team was. This way, if they felt he was able to be operated on, they would be able to do it. My dad was in a ventilator for 2 days. They then put more bands in his esophagus and was woken up. After a few days, he was moved out of ICU to the normal in-patient floor. A few days later, he was told he was allowed to go home. But my dad wanted to stay one more night just to be on the safe side.

The next morning he woke up and was feeling great! He couldn't wait to go home! But not long after, my dad felt like he was going to be sick. He was then rushed back up to ICU after having such a huge bleed that they almost lost him between the 5th and the 8th floor... A week went by with him being on a ventilator. Then his kidneys started to shut down... Late Saturday night we were told to call the family to the hospital because things didn't look good for him. A few hours later, my mom, brother, I, and all of the family on both my parents sides (mothers, brothers/sisters, nieces/nephews) were told that once again, my dad was bleeding inside. At that time my mom, brother, and I had to make the decision to take away all meds except for sedative and pain meds and turn down the ventilator to almost nothing. A couple hours went by and we all stood in the hospital room to watch my dad take his last breath.

I stood in the room telling my dad "one more minute daddy, one more minute" and he did it. For you see, my brother was born at 12:40, I was born at 5:40 and it was 6:39... My dad managed to hold on for that last minute and he died at 6:40 am on August 18, 2014.

8 months later and the shock is just starting to wear off... I find I am in more pain and more upset about the whole thing now than I was as I watched my father die. Everyone keeps telling me it gets better with time, but it really doesn't.

My dad never made it to a transplant, he was never given the gift of life. But luckily, he was able to help make 2 people's lives better. Both of his corneas were donated that morning. One to a young adult make and the other to a young adult female. And I am so proud to tell the world that my dad's legacy will be able to live on through other people and that he was able to make something positive out of this horrible tragedy.

I love you dad and miss you terribly! <3

[daddys_little_girl]

Correction: August 18, 2013

[MissuDad]

Hi D´sLG,

 

First of all, I´m so sorry for the loss of your dad.

 

I also thnk the time frame only makes us feel more of a freak, each one of us will deal with a death in a very personal level, time will lessen some things and bring others. Missing your dad won´t just go away like that, it´s normal to have bad months and others not so bad, grief is really a rollercoaster, it takes something away then it brings it back.

 

On the worse times I try to remember that they will come and go, nothing lasts forever, so even the worst feeling will eventually disappear.

 

Day by day somehow we get through and we must hope that someday we´ll be able to remember our dads with a smile and not deep sadness.

 

Hang in there. A big hug to you