My Dad Died at 49, Cause Unknown

[lovelylulu83]

My Dad died this past Saturday, April 26th. He was 49 years old (I'm 30). He was working in the backyard of a friend's house.... Stories are conflicting so much, I question what has happened. #1- I was told he was working in the yard, started to feel dizzy, went to lay down, and never woke up. #2- He said he was feeling dizzy and fell to the ground. Either way, paramedics were unable to bring him back. I am in shock. He was my best friend. He taught me everything about baseball, although he was a Dodgers fan and I am a Cardinals fan. He said I know more about baseball than most men lol. I just, I can't get over this. I can't function. He wasn't married so it's up to me and my younger sister to take care of things. I'm planning his memorial service. I have boxed his belongings, and moved them into my house. He was cremated. But I STILL THINK he will come back. I keep waiting. Maybe my brain is defending my heart from absolute total shock; I don't know. But this is too hard. I can't sleep, I can't eat... When I do eat, I get sick. A piece of me left when he died. I don't know how to cope. I don't even know that I'm ready. His service is on Tuesday and I plan to speak... I'm okay talking to people, as long as I give myself breaks to cry, then I can move on to the next person offering their condolences. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but it honestly becomes a routine and you quit crying during those conversations because they're all the same.

When does the pain go away?

[cindyjane]

Hi Cortney ... I am so sorry for your recent loss.  "Recent" is a key word here.  You loved your dear dad so of course this is affecting your sleep, your eating, and your feelings.  For me, when I lost my mom I think I was in shock for the first week and then went through a whole range of emotions.  Sadness, anger, emptiness, loneliness.  It took a couple of months to accept that I wouldn't be seeing my mom again in this life-time.  We can't put a time limit on grieving and I don't believe that we will ever stop missing our loved ones who pass on.  That being said, I do believe that time heals and the pain will lighten.  The thing that made it easier for me in the time following my mom's death was when I looked for things to be grateful for.  I was truly blessed to have her as my mom.  Although I felt the time I had with her was too short, I am grateful for the time that I did have.  Take care and just go with your feelings because feelings are neither right or wrong .... they just are.  Take care.

Cindy

[meganreineke]

Hi Cortney,

 

My Mom passed away at 56.  I was 28.  I'm not 30 and the 2 year anniversary is on May 16th.  I know how you feel.  My Mom and Dad were no longer married and it was just my sister and I.  I was the one who did everything being the oldest.  It is a lot of work and very overwhelming.  I hate to say this, but I don't know if the acutallly pain of losing your Dad will ever just go away.  It's been almost two years for me and it still hurts.  My Mom and I were best friends like you and your Dad.  A part of me went with her that day and I don't know if I can fill that hole in.  It does get easier to deal with as time goes, meaning talking about him and thinking about him.  But I still have bad days.  It sucks...doesn't seem fair.  You assume your parent will be there for all the big moments in your life.  My Mom missed my wedding by 14 months and now my husband and I are trying to get pregnant and I don't have a Mom to talk to about these exciting things.  Let alone a women for advice and support.  I'm here if you have questions or would like to talk considering we're dealing with the same thing pretty much.  Just try to keep your mind busy...that helps.  Take care and I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Megan

[LadyV]

I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs*. It sounds to me like your on autopilot. As you say, our brains are protecting our hearts, but our body is doing the things that need to be done - like the service, arrangements ect.

I never understood how people could loose someone and dress up, put make up on, and then offer their support to others, but not letting their own grief out themselves. Then I lost my dad (he was 64) three years ago, and I had to step up and take care of everything. I would put my wig on, do the make up, dress up and say "show time" before gonig out to deal with the rest of the family.

Everyone once in awhile, I'd crack a bit, cry, but not let it all out....I'd bottle it back up, to deal with it later, because I had to take care of things.

Your loss is so recent, it does get better somewhat.....and later, you will be able to think of your loved one with smiles, and love, and remember the good times, instead of crying <3

[Brokenhearted2014]

My father passed away on 4/22 unexpectedly at my parents home. He was 67. He was in good health and very active for his age. They believe he died of a pulmonary embolism. He had symptoms a week prior (pain in his leg, shortness of breath) but was stubborn and thought it would "just go away". If he had medical attention he would still be with us. I live an hour and a half away - I can't get the picture of his dead body lying covered by a blanket in the living room floor out of my mind. The last two weeks have been so surreal. He was cremated but I'm in denial. I still can't believe he's gone and I'll never see him again. On top of this I'm now the primary caretaker for my mother who was dependent on my father for EVERYTHING. She will likely be moving in with my husband and I once we get the estate cleaned out. And my husband who was also very close to my father lost his mother (76 end stage liver disease) only 15 months ago. Where do we go from here? How do we keep it all together? How do I grieve the loss of my father when I have to help my mother & husband? I'm deeply saddened and feel like my whole world fell apart....

[Jenni]

My dad died unexpectedly earlier this year (January 6). Ironically, he and my mom were visiting family friends who were having health problems (heart-related), but it was my father who died of a heart attack.  I think it was sudden cardiac arrest, because apparently he died within minutes - was gone before the paramedics arrived. He was 67, I just turned 31, and he had a clean bill of health: the death was completely shocking and out of nowhere.

 

I don't know when the pain goes away, but for me, it ebbs and flows.  I have days where all is great.  I have days where I break-down, cry and have panic attacks.  

 

This is a bit of a tangent: I don't know if some of you on this post saw those NYTimes / The Atlantic stories around Mother's Day / December about how difficult it was to care for elderly parents / the grieving process (or lack thereof) when they pass.  The article was so hard to read because it was written by authors in their 50s / 60s about caring for parents in their 80s / 90s.  Both authors discussed the long, slow, inevitable decline of the parent. And I get that that is their story, but I just want to yell: how lucky and you don't even know it.  To see your parent hit 90? My dad just died before even hitting 70 with no advance warning.  I'm 30 years old and my grieving story does not fit the cultural narrative of how you lose your parent and how old you / your parent is when you those him/her.  I find that really tough.

 

My heart breaks for the other 20 and 30-something year olds who lost one or both parents.  I feel like it's way too young to experience this loss.

[Nch]

We lost Dad 6 weeks ago Sunday, June 8, 2014. He died of a pulmonary embolism at 55. I'm 27, with a 20 week pregnant wife, our first. It's hard to relate to anything that was before dad died. Mom is a wreck, they were married 30 years, and the morning he died she was on her way back from a fishing trip in remote canada. The last time I talked to him was on my 1 year wedding aniversery, two days before his death. We're getting pretty tired of people asking us how we are... Were doing pretty bad... Obviously. I had a lady at work tell me she knows how I feel because she had lost her dog earlier this year... Seriously? My boss has been comparing my situation to hers, her father (80 years old) was just diagnosed with treatable from of cancer. Now I would never downplay cancer, but it's not the same. Not even close. I woke up one day and my dad was gone... Only those of us who know this feeling can relate....

You never said “I’m leaving”

You never said “goodbye”

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why.

There are no words to tell you

Just what I feel inside

The shock, the hurt, the anger

Might gradually subside

A million times I’ll need you

A million times I’ll cry

If Love alone could have saved you

You never would have died

In Life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place

That no one could ever fill

It broke my heart to lose you

But you didn’t go alone

For part of me went with you

The day God took you home

Things will never be the same

And all though it hurts so bad

I will smile whenever I hear your name

And be proud you were my Dad.

[Tatalkt]

Sorry for your loss. I feel your pain because I too lost my dad on Wednesday, June 11th 2014 from a sudden massive heart attack. We never got to say our goodbyes. He was 57, active and seemingly very healthy. He had no signs of anything wrong. My mom is also a wreck, they were married 37 years and I've been trying to comfort her. Last I saw him was that Tuesday on the way to work. I honked my horn at him and waved, but was in a hurry and didn't make the time to stop and chat. He was my best friend. I was so numb for the first month, but in the past several weeks it has hit me hard. I think to myself, am I really never going to see him again? I miss him stoping by, his phone calls, just everything about him. He always brighten my day with his kindness. He had a heart of gold and I miss him so much! I'm 30 and don't have any children, but now I question, do I want to have children and they never know my sweet daddy. It hurts me for them to never get that chance of having him in their lives. The only words of comfort I can give is, just take one day at a time. Some moments will be fine and others not. I do believe I will see him one day in Heaven, but I just don't understand how someone so full of life could be here one day and gone the next

[sap_09]

I understand so many of these voices. Sudden death and the shock and numbness that comes from it. My dad was my world, my purpose. That smile he would give each time I achieved something is what I lived for. I cannot believe he is gone. Sometimes when I wake up I feel it is all so unreal. He was my purpose for as long as I knew what having a purpose in life meant.

 

He was alright one day and the next day I get a call saying he is no more. A massive heart attack. He was one month away from turning 57. The last time I saw him, which was a month before he passed away, I had told him I will gift him a phone on his birthday. He never made it.

 

He was all healthy and fine. Why do people go away from us like this? He was my family. What do I live for now?

 

Sometimes I feel like giving it all up. But then I realize his children were his projects in life and something good needs to come off them.

That's the thought I live with. It is difficult. But there is little choice.

 

I can relate to the pain of all others who have written here. Lets make this life big for their sake, our dead parent's sake.

 

 

 

[cookiebeh12]

I'm very sorry for your loss. My mom actually passed away the day before your dad did. She was 40 (I was 16 at the time;now I'm 17) and I mean... She had cancer for 4 years so we knew she was gonna go soon, we just never got a date. It was very unexpected because she was literally up and partying, and then a week later she was gone. I never got to say bye to her... I had ACT testing during her last week on earth, and when I did get to see her, she was in that sleep mode and never woke up. I feel like, if you stress about feeling better then you're not gonna get better. Its ok to grieve. Even if it's every night. My mom won't be here to see me graduate highschool this year and that bums me out and I cry about her every night. Its not healthy to just hold everything in. It may seem safe to you because you don't want to be a burden to anyone else, but its good to just let it all out. Take care of yourself, I'm sure that's what your dad would want.

[saff]

So so sorry for your loss. I don't know if it's any easier to expect the loss of a loved one. My dad died suddenly 5 weeks ago. Sudden Cardiac Arrest, they call it. it's rough. There are ok days and not ok days and some days are just a rollercoaster of emotion. I guess we just need to go through these emotions and try to process them and not deny the feelings. My strategy is one day at a time. I really can't think any more ahead than that.

 

Hugs