My brother committed suicide, reaching out for someone who won't judge

[Bradyf56]

My brother committed suicide, October 18th, 2013.

I was in school when they told me the news. It's still devastating to me. I feel like I should be getting over this, but it seems just as raw as before. The town I live in isn't a very nice town. A lot of people knew my brother, but for bad reasons. Hearing your neighbor say "I'm glad it wasn't someone important" strikes a nerve.

What I'm having difficulty with is, moving on. It's hard to let him go. I realize he's dead. But, it's so surreal. We had gotten in a fight before he committed suicide, and I was never given the opportunity to forgive him. At first, I have up all faith in god. I shook my fist, and questioned my faith. Why would the "great almighty" take my brother, and not even help? Then I remembered (free will). God gave people a choice. But, this story isn't about god.

My brother was one of a kind. He's 6 years older than I am. I feel like I'm being punished for not making more of an effort with my contact towards him. I realize now, if do anything to have him back. I have so much guilt, and anger towards myself, and him. People say "it's not your fault" but what do they know? Nobody knows the true story. Nobody is in my position. The last time I saw my brother was in 2012, during the summer. It had been over a year, with no contact. My heart hurts so deeply. I can't even talk to my family about this, because it seems as if they're moving on. I don't want to "rip open" the wound. It sucks being "on an island" by myself. I'd really like someone to talk to, because I've fallen in a depression. This is the first attempt I've made to talk to someone. Everyone else is so quick to judge. So please, humanity- don't prove me right, thinking everyone is judge mental, and non-caring.

[Kellie86]

Bradyf56,

My heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry for your loss. It shocks me how cruel and callous some people can be. Those people have obviously never lost a brother or lost someone they loved to suicide.

I lost my only brother three months ago to an accidental heroin overdose. There are people who judge others suffering with addictions but thankfully no one has had the audacity to say anything to me. I would end up in jail if they did.

I'm sorry that you feel you have no one to turn to. This forum is so helpful in my opinion. If you can, try to go to a grief counsellor, or even a group grief counselling session. It has really helped my mother and sister. I haven't had the chance to go yet.

I have lost two family friends to suicide. The pain you feel in your heart is unlike anything else. You think back on every conversation, every fight, every opportunity that you feel like you could have done something but didn't. Please please believe me when I say, there was nothing you could have done. Do not feel guilty about your brother. It is clear that, even though you may have been fighting, you cared very deeply for him. Siblings fight, that's life. Don't beat yourself up about it. You will make amends in heaven when it is your time (hopefully not for a long time though!)

Take care of yourself. Writing your feelings in a journal might be helpful. Make sure to eat regularly and exercise and do nice things for yourself to help relax. You've been through hell to say the least. You deserve to be happy.

[Bradyf56]

Thank you, Kellie.

It really means a lot. His birthday is coming up, and I don't know how to act, or feel. My life has been hectic these past few months: my brother died, my bestfriend died of cancer, and my cousin was murdered. It just feels like my life is slipping away from my control, you know?

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, it's definitely a pain that I wish upon no one. I just feel lost, and confused. I have so many questions that can't be answered. I ask god every night to give me a sign, or something. I rifle through all of my old pictures, trying not to forget any moments in time. It just isn't fair. I've been in such a haze, I don't even know how to "be happy" or anything. It just sucks.

[MissuDad]

Hi Brady,

 

I couldn´t not reply to your post. I´m really sorry for your loss, even though I haven´t lost a sibling, I have my own share of loss and the guilt that comes along with it...

 

Sometimes people can really be mean and cold It´s only been 6 months, you can´t ever digest a big loss in six months, you need time to grieve and be understood.

 

Grief can be really confusing at times and those other losses won´t help the cause, it´s only natural you feel overwhelmed and with your life out of control... I feel the same way, since my dad died, my mom also got sick and will have to remove a kidney, I lost my finantial stability, got problems at work which made my finances even worse, got a cist that could´ve been bad, so I can really relate to your last post.

 

We have to look for strength somewhere so we can keep going.

 

Hang in there and feel free to text me

[Bradyf56]

Thanks. It truly means a lot.

I'd love to talk to you, and hear your story as well. (The full story, if you're up for talking. If not, I understand.) I feel like we could benefit from each other. Heck, we could make a hall mark card, haha

[LucaLoo]

Hey Brady,

I also lost my brother to suicide. He was 4 years older than I. My family dynamics are pretty screwed up and I have been estranged from them for several years. Within the last year, I have moved to South America. Imagine my feelings when I get a message via Facebook saying my brother shot himself.

My brother was beyond brilliant, but had absolutely no self confidence in part due to his upbringing. I know it's not fair to blame anyone, but my parents did nothing to instill value or self confidence in us. I have been unable to reach out to my parents. I have heard my mother is in total denial....no obituary in the paper, no memorial service . I truly believe she will do whatever she can not to tell anyone...

I am struggling more than I imagined. My husband isn't a compassionate person by nature. He just doesn't understand what I'm going through, I have surprised myself by having such a hard time with this considering I haven't talked to my brother in several years.

I would love to correspond with you further, as our journeys are similar.

Be well.

[Mermaid Tears]

Brady....I lost my son in 2012.....and his sister and brothers lost him....John David....

they are certainly having a hard time digesting this huge loss in their lives...and his many nephews and nieces and friends..

if you would....please post your story in the site called..'Loss of Adult Child'.....there are many on that site that can reach out to you...and relate...many have lost loved ones to suicide....many have been on that site for 10 years....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'....they have been on the grief journey for years....and they help us...and wave to us....letting us know we can survive...one day at a time...one step at a time....and I will tell you that this grief will be one of the hardest paths you will ever walk....I do believe that guilt is a very normal emotion to have....after losing a loved one...it is simply how to let it work its way through the journey....without harming you. Grief is a very physical and heavy thing....so please....take care of yourself...we call it 'self care'....you don't get over it....but you do learn to get through it. I never post in any site but the 'Loss of Adult Child'...but I saw your message and had to respond. He is near you and knows your heart.

[Mermaid Tears]

Brady....I lost my son in 2012.....and his sister and brothers lost him....John David....

they are certainly having a hard time digesting this huge loss in their lives...and his many nephews and nieces and friends..

if you would....please post your story in the site called..'Loss of Adult Child'.....there are many on that site that can reach out to you...and relate...many have lost loved ones to suicide....many have been on that site for 10 years....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'....they have been on the grief journey for years....and they help us...and wave to us....letting us know we can survive...one day at a time...one step at a time....and I will tell you that this grief will be one of the hardest paths you will ever walk....I do believe that guilt is a very normal emotion to have....after losing a loved one...it is simply how to let it work its way through the journey....without harming you. Grief is a very physical and heavy thing....so please....take care of yourself...we call it 'self care'....you don't get over it....but you do learn to get through it. I never post in any site but the 'Loss of Adult Child'...but I saw your message and had to respond. He is near you and knows your heart.

[Bradyf56]

Thank you both. You've both been a great help