Missing my Mom so much...

[mercurybebe]

My Mom passed away in her sleep on either Feb 3rd or the wee hours of Feb 4th.  She was found by my Aunt in Texas with whom she was visiting, at 9:30am on Tuesday the 4th...she died from dilated cardiomyopathy (heart just stopped) and I am told she looked very peaceful.  She was 68 years old and we had no idea she was sick with anything so it was out of nowhere.

 

My Mom was my best friend and I have been lost for the past 12 weeks.  My younger sister and brother seem to be handling things well...but I am a mess.  I don't understand how they are coping so well when I cry everyday and just miss her with every fiber of my soul.

 

To make things worse, my Mom was one of 13 children and had been in Texas and California (rather than NY) caring for two of her brothers who were dying of cancer.  My Uncle Phil died Oct 2nd, Mom Feb 4th and my Uncle Don just died March 30th.  My one remaining Uncle, Shane, is the baby and at 54 his body is being overcome with melanoma.  I have 2 remaining Aunts, the eldest (who somehow has stayed strong losing almost all of her siblings) is Janet who helped raise me and will be 76 next week and Mary who just turned 70.

 

In any case, the autopsy showed my Mom had no cancer anywhere (she is the only one of the siblings not to have it at some point, except my Aunt Kim who died at 47 when her heart stopped) and she was a smoker so that was shocking.  I was actually hoping they'd find cancer so I could be glad she was at least spared that horror....but nope, it was her heart and if she had been one to actually go to the doctor, perhaps we could have had more time.

 

My 14.5yr old daughter (1st grandchild) was very close to my Mom and we traveled to Austin together to get things in order.  I wanted to (and did) sleep in the bed my Mom died in, pack up her things and just be where she last was.  In doing so, I found a Thank You card she had just written and made out to me but obviously didn't have time to mail.  She had been staying with me in NY (originally to cat-sit while we went on a cruise at the end of Oct, but we talked her into staying through the holidays) and left on Jan 16th...our last exchange was me telling her not to go...I had such a STRONG feeling I was never going to see her again.  My daughter felt the same and cried for her not to leave...but she did.  In any case, the card was a letter telling me how much she loved me and it was such a gift.

 

I know I am rambling but there is just so much I need to get out.  I've been having such a difficult time....Had a hard day yesterday missing my Mom so bad I felt like I could split wide open. Kept hearing "All of Me" by John Legend on the radio, once on the way to work, twice on the way to counseling and I left the radio off going home! And of course once this morning on the way in, just for good measure. 

Crying in the car usually helps but last night I couldn't sleep and poor Jo got the brunt of my grief. Ugly crying, sobbing and just pain. Read the texts Mom sent me right before she died and having so many regrets that I logically know I need to let go of, but my heart just can't. If one more person (looking at you Ms. Grief Counselor) tells me that my Mom wouldn't want me feeling like this, or it won't be this bad forever, etc. I am going to lose my mind. 
Maybe my whole body won't ache with grief so strongly in time, maybe I won't cry out of nowhere in time, maybe I won't just want to lay in bed all day in time....but in time I am going to forget what my Mom smelled like. In time I am not going to remember the texture of her hair, the exact color brown of her eyes, or the timbre of her voice.
In time I am going to forget. And apparently that is what makes it better.

Please call, visit and love your mother if she is alive and you just read this. Please tell her you love her even if your relationship isn't perfect. Hug her. For me ok? Maybe my Mom will feel it through yours...

 

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[Heartlight]

Hi mercurybebe, I'm very sorry about your mom

 

I was really touched by your concern and wanted to give you the knowledge of a different experience... I still remember what my sister's hair feels like, I still remember what she sounds like.  Maybe some people forget those things and that's why it gets easier for them, but it wasn't like that for me so maybe it won't be like that for you, either.

 

I'm going to be grieving for my sister and my father, and for anyone else that I will lose, for my lifetime, because I am never going to stop wishing they were here, so I, personally, am never expecting the sudden crying to completely stop.  Even six years later and I can have the sudden, unexpected crying about my sister.

 

The only thing that I know that is the least bit helpful - and sometimes not at all - is to be soft and gentle with myself when I am feeling anything within my grief.  It is sometimes not at all helpful because when you're in the middle of soul-wrenching pain, there is nothing else.  But when that's lessened, I try to soothe myself as I would a poor, wounded and confused animal who's been run-over and doesn't understand waking up in this brightly-lit world that has all these strange people around.  Really.  When I understand it like that I feel great sympathy and care for myself and I don't try to change how I feel and I just allow it all to happen.

 

Because it's going to happen.  Being a friend to ourselves during it is the only thing I have ever found that can make even a bit of difference.  And sometimes it doesn't.

 

I will hug my mom for you, and for me.  Thank you.

 

<3

[meganreineke]

Your story got me teary eyed because like I mentioned, it's been almost 2 years since I lost my Mom and I have somewhat forgot how my Mom smelled, her voice and how it felt to be hugged by her.  Do you have home videos or anything? 

[mwruby1]

Mercurybebe,

 

I am sorry to hear about your mom. She looks so beautiful...Thanks for sharing photos of her.

 

I know exactly how you feel, for I loss my mother as well. I wonder the exact same things as you do in regards to forgetting my mother's scent, voice, her green eyes, her beautiful hair, and her touch. I don't ever want to forget about my mother. Also, I don't think I will ever be OK with her not being with me. Basically, I am responding because you are not alone. I totally agree with you about how all those who still have there mother and father to cherish every moment, for you never know what tomorrow may bring..... I will keep you in my prayers. 

[BaileyB]

Hello,

I just wanted to say, I'm not sure that it's fair to say "your mom wouldn't want you to feel like this." I wonder, if your mom was here now, if she wouldn't just wrap you in her arms and tell you how sorry she is that you are so sad and hurting so badly. I think she would offer comfort, and I think you need to try to do that for yourself, in her memory, for as long as you need. In time, you will be able to say (as I do often), what would my mom want for me/what should I do... But for now, you are in the very early stages of this grief and I think you need to allow yourself the time to mourn her loss. However long that may take.

I would also urge you not to worry too much about how your family are grieving (as it relates to he grief you are feeling). I know, in my family, my father and my brother grieve my mom, but neither really show it. Grief is a very personal journey, and as much as we may want to share it, people feel it and show it in very different ways. Just because they may not show their grief, doesn't mean that they don't feel as sad as you are feeling. Be kind to each other. Take care.

[mercurybebe]

Thank you guys so much.  I am so sorry you all can relate, but I am glad to know I am not alone or crazy for worrying about forgetting things about her....

 

I don't have video of her as far as I know (she hated cameras, etc.) but I do have a digital voice recorder with about 6hrs of her talking to people on the phone or just into the recorder.  A lot of it is hard to listen to because she was recording in 2011 around the time her sister and niece died so she is upset, angry, etc.  But there are bits of her laughing and it just makes me CRY to both be able to hear it and know I will never hear it again...makes no sense!

 

My mom understood that death has always taken a very hard toll on me...there is even a phone conversation with someone on the recording where she talks about how hard my Aunt's passing is on me and how I've been like that since I was little...

 

So I know she knew this is how I would react...she is the one person who KNEW me.  And she wouldn't of told me to pull myself together, I think she would've just hugged me and let me cry, rage, whatever...my wife does do that for me and its nice, but its just not the same.

 

Another thing I miss is just saying "mom" or "ma" to someone.  I know its random and stupid I guess...but its usually a baby's first word and then, at some point, you never get to say it again....and its bittersweet that my daughter calls me "Ma" in exactly the way I used to say it...

 

Thank you also for complimenting my mom's beauty...she always thought she was SO UGLY and I never understood that...