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backyarder1

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backyarder1

I haven't been on here for awhile but I'm back in one of my low pits today. It's been about 5 1/2 months since I lost my sweet Tommy. A lot of the time, I feel like I am doing pretty good now. And then the depression just really hits me again. And when it does, it hits me HARD!! Almost harder than it did at the beginning. I was talking to another widow friend and we were commenting that it seems to hit us worse than it does some of our other widow friends. And we realized that it is probably because we don't work---don't have kids who depend on us---don't have much family support. So we are pretty isolated, which makes the loneliness really, really bad. Unbearable sometimes.

 

Since Tom died, I have been trying really hard to get out and do things. Sometimes that just makes things worse. I meet all kinds of people but none of them compare to my Tom. Or, I go out and have a good time with friends and then come home to this empty, quiet house.

 

I haven't quite figured out yet what makes the moods go up and down -- why I seem fine and even happy some days and then I'm back into this deep, deep depression.

 

This sucks so bad. Of course, everyone says that time heals all wounds, etc. But really? I mean, how do you even make it through the deepest darkest saddest times by just telling yourself to keep waiting for it to go away.

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I feel for you, I remember when I was approaching the 6 month mark it was like day 1 all over again. I'm almost 15 months in & lately I've been feeling like it's day 1 for me. It comes in waves but yes it's hard to understand the highs & lows. I've taken a sabbatical from work because I very much needed a break but go back soon and am feeling very afraid. I think it might make a difference if there are kids around - I don't know for sure but I often think at least having someone to get out of bed for could help. I'm glad I have my dog because he makes me go out. I think in time the pain will lessen but it will always be there, it's like a living, breathing thing grief, always changing. Be good to yourself, I'm sure a less dark day is around the corner. We can hope anyways. Hugs to you.

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PS: the quiet is the worst. It's an unbearable feeling of emptiness & for me it's like all my thoughts are louder or something. Sigh.

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Hey Betsy!!  Good to see you here!!  I think you and your friend are right.  Working has helped me tremendously.  If I didn't work I think I would have gone crazy by now.  But also, you are still so knew in this  grief crap.  I think you are doing quite well for 5 1/2 months.  Seriously.  You are right where you are suppose to be.  Shoot, I'm in a group on FB and there are women there who are years into this and still are basket cases.  But then grief is as individual as we are.  No two people are the same.  Heck, I'm almost at my 16 month mark.  I still have my days.  I always will.  It gets softer though, it really does.  It isn't as sharp and there are more smiles than tears.  I even went to the cemetery yesterday and didn't cry!!!  That is a first!!  Just hang in there.  Better days are coming...I hope.

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backyarder1

Thanks Jude. Its just that its so bad that it scares me. When it gets this bad, I just don't want to go on. And I don't know how other people get through it. Hug their dog? Come on. I don't know how many people have told me that the only way they have made it through is because of their pets. I don't have any pets right now but I have never been that attached to them. I mean, if I wanted to "exit" this life, I would just take the pets down to the animal shelter first. I'm not saying that I am going to do anything to myself. I'm just saying that I don't like feeling like I WANT to.

 

And how does anyone go out and find a job when they are this depressed? Or sign up to volunteer somewhere? Or do anything else to help get themselves out of it.

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MissingDaniel

Good to see you back, Betsy!  I am sorry it is hitting you so hard today.  I do think the nature of grief is very unpredictable and it fluctuates.  I got through the 1 year mark last weekend and actually did pretty well, I think because I took the girls on a trip and we were busy.  But this week, I have thought about him so much and cried so much, because I have been alone more going to and from work, sitting in my office at work, etc.  I think being alone and quiet definitely exacerbates it. 

 

Sending you hugs and hoping that you start feeling better and maybe a little brighter.  Take care of yourself!

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backyarder1

Hi Andrea. I am glad you are doing better. And I can't believe it has been a year for you!! I can't seem to pull myself out of this funk this time. My sister wants me to go to her house for Easter and I can't even stand the thought of that. I just want to be alone and feel sorry for myself. LOL. I mean, that's not really what I WANT but its all that I feel like I can handle. I KNOW that the answer is to get out and do something but I can't seem to make myself.

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yesterday was my 2 year mark and part of this is so difficult and part of it is ok.    I feel guilty when I say I am fine and I feel guilty if I say it sucks. My life goes on  even if his stopped.    I when to   the cemetery yesterday  showed him my newer car and talked about how things are in my life.   He did not have much to say but I felt better after being there for a while.        Hope you all can get the point of peace.   All we can do is the best we can do - somedays it is good and somedays it is not- just the way it is.

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I have found that having music on in the house helps with the emptiness and loneliness. I even leave it on when I exit the home, so that when I return it is not so quiet and empty feeling. 

 

I've also discovered that there are two ways to look at these letters: "alone" vs "all one". We are all just one now, but that doesn't mean we have to be lonely. The meaning can be different. It's learning something new to be alone, and that means learning how to be "all one". 

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Hi Betsy, 

 

It's nice to see you again. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help. For me, leaving the radio on helps with the quiet in the house. It's not a perfect solution but it helps. I forced myself to go out and join different groups until I found the right fit. Right now I do tai chi and yoga twice a week and volunteer with "The Road Back to Life", a non-profit foundation aimed at helping people with kidney failure. Along with that, I go out dancing with a friend of mine nearly every Friday night. 

Right now, I feel the best I can hope for is for the ache to fade to bearable over time.

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backyarder1

Hi Karen.Lyn. I've been going out doing a lot, too. I've joined a woodworking group and a sit and stitch group. Also gone to several gardening meetings and to some Meetup groups. I'm still looking for the right fit. I still haven't made any real friends, other than a few other widows who I call sometimes, but I try to be careful not to overwhelm any of them, because I know they have their own grief they are dealing with. Plus, to me, going out and doing all of that stuff just makes the house that much lonelier. So many of the activities are things that Tom would have enjoyed. Or I wish he was just here to tell him about everything. So its almost like going out and doing things has a boomerang effect.

 

I commend you for feeling like going out dancing. There have been some days when I have danced here at home, but I don't think I could go out to dance yet.

 

I think when I start to feel good for a few days, then I quit looking for the friends/support system that I really need. And then I get back to THIS mood. Which just seems to get worse every time it comes.

 

Here is an interesting thing (although its not really helping my sadness). I joined a new, free dating website the other day. Since its free, there are a LOT of members and I have gotten a lot of responses. And some of those guys seem genuinely concerned about my depressed mood. I mean, guys I have never met before and don't know me from Adam . It just makes ME sad because they aren't Tom, you know? And maybe a little sad to think that there might be nice guys out there and I'm not sure I will ever be ready to meet any of them.

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 I also haven't been here for a while (at least to post) and your comments kinda hit home. It is so different for everyone.... for me the volunteer work has helped a lot, put my focus away from my pain to help alleviate someone else's. Also as a matter of fact I do give my pets a hug when the sledgehammer hits my chest. Er.. more like they give me a hug. They know when I am having a bad moment and immediately come over and get in my lap to let me know that things are ok. The little dog is no issue but when a 50lb lab puppy joins in it can be interesting and generally amusing. But it helps, at least for me.

 Don't misunderstand, I miss Shari and think about her every day. I still have days when the lethargy and depression are so bad I can hardly get out of bed. But those days are getting farther and farther apart. Yes, time does heal, but you have to be proactive and find something of value to you to do to make your life worthwhile again. (my opinion)

 I think about everyone here and wish there was something I could do or say that would help. Especially for those having the hardest time.  

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backyarder1

I think that is definitely the answer. Finding something productive to do. I've always been a bit of a homebody and worked and saved my whole life so I could retire early. But that was always to retire early WITH someone, not by myself. So now I have to find something to do to keep my mind busy so I will just quit feeling sorry for myself. I need to find a good fit for someplace to volunteer. where do you volunteer, Dave?

 

Or does anyone have any suggestions for where they volunteer?

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Betsy - I don't remember if you take any antidepressants or not??  I take Zoloft and Wellbutrin, I have for years because is suffer from PTSD.  They really seem to help.

 

I know that I didn't start to make a turn around until I got my pit puppy.  She has been the best medicine ever.  If your not an animal person I wouldn't bother with a pet though.  How about a canary?  The males sing so pretty!!  Music does help ALOT.  Music is happiness, it can turn a bad day totally around.

 

As for volunteering...have you ever watched that show "Secret Millionaire"?  Someone with a lot of money goes to an area that is very needy and walks the streets looking for places to volunteer at.  They find a few, volunteer and then end up giving huge donations.  Now, I'm not saying you have to donate but I'm sure in your area there are many places that could use a volunteer, you just have to get out there and find them. How...heck, I don't know!!  But they are out there.  Places that feed the homeless, places that teach music to under-privileged youth, hey...how about teaching photography to under-privileged youth?  You are a fantastic photographer, I'm sure there are many people who would love to learn from you!  Volunteer for hospice.  Heck, the absolute most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life was taking care of my terminal mother-in-law and helping her to pass with dignity.  I never in a million years thought that I would be the type of person who could care for a dying person let alone be with them as they passed but it was an honor for me and I am so grateful that I was able to do that.  Google "Volunteering ideas" and see what you get. 

 

So what is this free website???  lol!!!

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backyarder1

Thanks for all the suggestions, Judy. As soon as I can get enough energy to get moving (thyroid problems) I'll think more about a pet or volunteer gig.

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 I volunteer one day a week at the local animal shelter walking and playing with the dogs for a couple of hours. Which is fun and rewarding for me. But the volunteer work I love the most is with the local Good Will who have the only facility in the country that trains service dogs for people who are disabled. This is their face book page https://www.facebook.com/Goodwilldogs check it out. :) it is awesome what these people do. The dogs are donated to disabled people in the area. It takes about 2 years to fully train each dog at a cost of about $25,000 each. (and the help of numerous volunteer handlers/trainers/puppy raisers) Right now I am only getting one day a week while I learn the commands but I hope to be able to get to the point that I can spend 3 or 4 days a week there. (maybe a job (as in paid) if their funding ever reaches that point) 

 My therapist at the VA recommended this program to me and I am so grateful that I lucked into it. It is what started me looking forward to getting up and being anxious for the week to pass so I could get to the next training class. lol

 After all this rambling my point is to find something you really like to do then check google to see if there is any volunteer opportunities ... :)

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backyarder1

Dave, that is so, SO cool. And yes, that is what we all need. Something to be excited about again. Something to make us want to spring out of bed in the mornings. I am so glad that you have found that for yourself.

 

By the way, there are several websites for volunteer opportunities and I check them often. But so far, I haven't found anything that I am excited about. But I will keep looking.

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No kidding Dave!!  That is just awesome!!!  I would love to do something like that but I don't have much time to volunteer...bummer!!

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backyarder1

Man, I'm still having an awful time getting myself out of this funk. I don't really know what to do. I mean for now. For immediate relief. I just can't seem to get myself to stop crying. Really hate it.

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How are you doing today Betsy?  You need to go to your sisters!!

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Good!!!  Now tell me all about how it went.  I had a very quiet Easter.  I have been having the worst fibro flare-up and have been just miserable.  I hate this crap.

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backyarder1

It was nice. I felt weird in the morning, which I am blaming on the new thyroid med. But I went anyway. I felt kind of out of it most of the day but it was a beautiful day and it was nice to be around family. Only had a couple of rough times. Sorry about your fibro pains. I am out cleaning my front porch ceiling with a sponge and a toothbrush (for the little grooves) and I'm just crying like a baby again.

 

But I'm okay. Still hanging on.

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It is so weird how there is so much truth to the words "two shall become one" isn't there?  I've read a lot of posts women have posted about feeling alone in a crowd or not part of the family anymore since their husbands are gone.  We got robbed of our identities.  My Jerry and I were inseparable, joined at the hip, I don't know who I am without him.  And being forced to find out is making me have these temper tantrums.  And I feel sorry for myself a lot.  I just want my old life back but that isn't going to happen.  I don't want to build a new life but I don't think I have much choice in the matter.  One thing that is so hard for me is that I truly believed that Jerry was "my purpose in life".  Taking care of his health was why I was here.  Now he is gone and I have no purpose anymore.  It is just getting through each day and each day that passes brings me that much closer to him.

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backyarder1

Judy, I can relate to you exactly. I think my purpose in life was being Tom's wife. We used to even kid about it. Since he has passed away, I have had several people say that to me. That I "saved" him when he was so upset when his first wife left him. And that my "purpose" was just to be his wife and take care of him. I think even from when I was a child, I felt like my purpose was to find a good man and take care of him. And Tom was that man. So now I am just lost and floundering around trying to find a purpose. I never really wanted any other purpose.

 

When he first died I told myself that my purpose was still to be his wife and to keep his memory alive. But that is so hard to do. Everyone else just wants to move on and not even talk about him any more.

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Tryingtohavehope

Im feeling the same way exactly right now! Im deeper into depression then I was before and I cant think about him without crying its like day 1 all over again! I miss the crap out of him!!! I used to be able to text some of my "friends" and feel better but now i dont even care to text them at all!

My mom and I are going to try acupuncture soon to see if it will help with our depression and anxiety! Somethings got to give and id rather not medicate myself all my life if i dont have too!

Ive also been having this overwhelming feeling to head to Texas where my Keith is burried, but i cant just up and leave my job! I just feel so lost and all alone I dont know what to do? Im not quite 4 months into this and I was okay up until last week...been bawling everyday since! :( I try to have hope but its diminishing fast! :(

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backyarder1

Hi Ashley. I know how much I hate it when someone says to me, "Oh, you are so early into the process. It may still get worse"......But, I know I was a lot better BEFORE the 4 month mark. Four months hit me pretty hard. Then I got okay again. Then five months hit me pretty hard. Now I'm almost up to 6 months and, again, I feel more depressed than I have since all of this started.

 

At one time I said to myself "I miss Tom more than anything" and I realized that I will keep missing him this much until something else comes along in my life that takes up MORE of my mental energy. Some hobby. Some person. Some purpose. But so far, I haven't found anything that I am interested enough in that it takes up more of my heart and mind and energy than the MISSING TOM takes up, if that makes sense. So I think until all of us can find something else that has more power in our life than the MISSING our loved ones has, we are going to keep feeling this way.

 

People who have kids can direct their energy towards their kids. People with careers can direct their energy towards that. But those of us that don't have those things have to find something that we care about so much that it overpowers the feeling of loss. Otherwise, the loss is always going to be the strongest thing in our life.

 

That's what I think, anyway. So far I haven't found it.

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One weepy night when I was missing my husband so desperately, I found myself writing a letter to him. I didn't plan what I was going to write. I just wrote my heart out. It led to a second task a few days later. I wrote the probable letter back to me from him. I knew him so well, I could predict what he would tell me. It was amazingly powerful. I felt so connected to him; a feeling I hadn't had in a year or more. Every now and then I get those two letters out and re-read them. It helps. 

 

Check out this book, it has this and many other helping ideas as I progressed from shock back and forth through depression and healing. http://www.amazon.com/dp/1494780011.

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Tryingtohavehope

Betsy...I work and I work with kids, and even though its not as bad some days to get through, others are so hard! The first week Keith died I cried all day long and the kids were so caring! I felt so bad I was always crying but I couldnt help it then. I try not to cry in front of them now but its hard...they ask why im crying and i now just tell them im sad and they understand! I kind of wish i wouldve had a child with him because id have something of his to hold onto! But in the long run I think it would be even harder for me to explain that they will never be able to meet their dad unless they die too! Idk? Life in general is just so hard now! I was okay for about a month and now its hard again but I forgot how much this site can bring comfort!

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backyarder1

I understand, Ashley. I have gone through weeks where I felt really good. But just for some reason, I'm really sad again right now. I can't really explain it. One of my grief counselors may just think it is the change of the seasons. Tom and I did like to work out in the yard together so maybe that is it. But it has been AWFUL. And yes, this site is the place that I come to when I really need support because I always know I can find it here. I have some widow friends in the area but I hate to call them all the time when I'm not doing well. I want to be able to support them when they need it. Not whine to them when I need it. :rolleyes:  

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Dr. Pat - I am going to get your book, it sounds really good!  I have just become an avid audio book listener. I have a long commute everyday and it is so wonderful to listen to a book during that time.

 

I can't imagine having to deal with the loss of two husbands!!  One is horrid, two must be all consuming.  Heck, one is all consuming!

 

Why do we flip flop so much?  Back and forth. 

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Betsy and Ashley - I've been living this nightmare for almost 16 months now.  It is like being in prison!!  I feel like I've been dealt a life sentence.  And it sucks!!!  I think it is always going to be this way.  I was talking to a "widower" lately.  I asked him how he dealt with all of it and he said you just have to put the pictures away and stop thinking about them.  Really???  Really????  I'm not going to talk to him anymore.  How can you just forget the mother of your 4 children, your wife of over 30 years??  So I feel like my love was more true than this idiot.  My love was stronger, more real.  So maybe it is okay to hurt so bad for now.  I mean, to just be able to shrug it off like it was nothing is just so damn shallow!! 

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backyarder1

Hi Judy. I recently had one of my grief counselors tell me that I will keep feeling this depressed until I am ready to "let Tom go", which I think is what your widower friend is talking about. And I not only do NOT want to do that, but I wouldn't even know how if I did want to. I just don't even know what that means. How do you let someone go when you have built your whole life around them?

 

I was talking to a widow in my neighborhood this morning while I was riding my bike. She told me that the first 4 years were rough for her. And she also told me that if anyone had TOLD her that the first four years were going to be that rough, she would have blown her brains out at the beginning. LOL . But, she made it through. And she even seems pretty happy most of the time although she says she really isn't.

 

I have absolutely no idea why my sadness has come back so much and I have no idea how to get rid of it. Its too bad that some of the people who have made it past their grief and have left this website don't come back sometimes and tell the rest of us how they did it.

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Brandystarr

It's been 2 years this April, I have found myself thinking about him every morning taking our chidren to school...So much has changed in two years...After Lee died I didn't even want to see the sun, but now I want to make sure my babies are happy...I realize he gave me the best gift....OUR kids! I see my husband every day in our son...my daughter growing up knowing her daddy loved her with all his heart....I would give anything to have him back, but with all the changes...ie new school, new town,...etc....we are a family again...They are the reason I can keep going....does it make the pain less?? NO...but I know one day, because of my faith, I will see him again! It's hard being a singl mother, but I am learning I am stronger than I ever thought...This won't defeat me!

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MissingDaniel

Brandystarr - What you say really rings true for me as well.  I just hit a year and I can't say that I have come quite as far as you, but I can relate to much of what you say.  I have progressed to the point where I can talk to the girls about their daddy without falling apart every time.  I can say that I am proud of how far my little family has come considering we lost such a huge part of it.  I believe that much of the progress I have made as far as my mental attitude and motivation to move foward comes from wanting to make sure that I give my kids a good and happy life - I'm all they have now.  I hope your post will encourage some who may not yet see the light at the end of the tunnel.  As for myself, it's just a little ray, but it's a start!

 

Betsy/Ashley - I am keeping you in my thoughts.  I am sorry you both are having such a difficult time.  I do realize that the grief experience for you is probably different than for those of us who still have children to take care of.  I'm not sure what the last year would have been like had I not had the girls to keep me going.  I really hope for you both to find something that can fulfill you and make you really want to get out of bed in the morning.  Hang in there :)

 

Judy - I sympathize with your coping tactic.  I spent the first 6 months pretending that Daniel was just gone on a trip.  Sometimes I still think that there is an element of that for me - because I don't want to accept that he is actually gone for good.  I think if it helps you, then go right ahead.  But I'm with you - I cannot ever see myself "putting away the pictures and just not thinking about him."  I couldn't do it if I wanted to.  If you get the book Dr. Pat mentioned, let us know what you think about it. :)  Hugs.

 

Andrea

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Silvergirl61

 Hi again to all of you! I too find myself having to say.. I haven't been here for awhile. 20 months have somehow managed to go by, since I lost my Dennis. I went back to work, then quit that job, found another one, moved out of the last house we lived in together, moved from a small town back to a big city, packed up all the memories in boxes, then gradually unpacked some of them again. So many things in my life have changed, some for the better, some not so much.

   What hasn't changed is the missing him. Each and every single day.. I think of him. Sometimes I talk to him (inside my head, mostly) Sometimes I write to him. Sometimes..I write about him. I speak of him often. I too, had a counselor tell me that sometime I would have to let him go.

   Why?  Is there some unwritten rule that says so?  If there is..well, I guess it's one more rule to ignore. His body may not be here...but  I believe his spirit is somewhere..and  I don't think it's been forever yet, although some days I'm not so sure it hasn't been.

  I have decided that I will do what feels best for me. If some days, I choose to "wallow" in sorrow..then I will . If sometimes i feel melancholy and blue..then it's what I feel . If people don't want to hear me talk about him..they are free to not listen. What they aren't free to do..is tell me I'm wrong, that I need to forget him, or that I need to "move on" or "find someone else". He was MY husband, my soul-mate, my love...and this is MY life.

  Dennis was the one person I KNEW loved me..just as I am, flaws, quirks and all. I loved him with all my heart..and my heart refuses to stop feeling that love, no matter how often my brain tries to convince that stubborn heart, of the futility of loving a memory.

   I know he's gone. Who could know better than I do? We were inseparable, and complete together. I was there when he breathed his last..and I felt it, as I feel it now.

Still- he's here inside my heart, inside my mind..and I can no more let him go..than i can forget who I am. Maybe time will take that away..but only if it takes my identity with it.

  I can't change the past. I cannot bring him back. I cannot make him live again...but I can choose to let him live through me, and in me. If i feel like being happy doing something we would have loved to do together...then I will . If i choose to do something in memory of him..then I will. If i want to put up a picture, or buy him a flower, or wear his jacket..or hide all the things that remind me away...I can do any or all of those things. If I want to celebrate an anniversary, or a birthday..or ignore one- I have that right. I can only move through the days, the best way i know how..and when they are through..hope I find him again.

  Forget him and move on? NEVER.

Remember, and live on? As the days pass..it seems I might. One day at a time.

 

  May you find peaceful moments, and beautiful memories to carry you through another day.- Silverpost-300206-0-59376400-1398668546_thumb.

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Bravo Silver!!!!  I couldn't have said it any better myself!!!  Glad to see you!! You've been missed.

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backyarder1

Very well said, Silvergirl. I was thinking today how cool it would be to have a B&B or Inn or some other place where all of us could sit and visit with each other and talk as much as we want about those that we love that are no longer with us in body. But this website is almost as good sometimes. :)

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How funny Betsy!!  I was just thinking the same thing!!  We are not "alone" material...I mean, we were do emotionally dependent on our mates that now, being alone is a curse.  I was thinking that maybe we all need to get together.  I would!!  I would really go where-ever we all decided.  We need to be together, it would be so incredibly therapeutic.

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If someone ever wants to do that I would love to join. I dont live in the USA but i can always visit.

I started going to a support group and met some young widows with whom I can relate. We had lunch last week and we talk often.

Its nice because we can talk about our stories, how we feel, we know the names of our boyfriends/husbands, we have introduce them to the group by sharing our favorite pictures with them, we talk about how we feel, cry and laugh.

 

 

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Sammijo2424

I think we should start planning something. I would love nothing more than to meet some of the women and men who have helped me thru the worst time of my life. I would gladly facilitate

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Sammijo2424

I think we should start planning something. I would love nothing more than to meet some of the women and men who have helped me thru the worst time of my life. I would gladly facilitate

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