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Loss due to stillbirth


cameronsmom1

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I found out i was pregnant 6 months into my relationship with my husband. We weren't married at the time but had talked about it. I already had a 3 year old son, Cameron, who is 4 now from a past relationship. We really weren't planning on having any kids so it was just a surprise and I was so nervous about telling him thinking he would feel like I trapped him since we weren't together very long.  When I told him about it he was so excited that he was gonna be a dad which shocked me but made me feel so much better.

So we started making plans to move in together and get everything prepared for having a new baby. We found out I was having another boy which made my husband happy because he did not want a girl at all! We decide on naming him Brayden Jeremiah. The pregnancy was going great. I had no morning sickness, which I didn't with my first either, I wasn't gaining a whole lot of weight like I did with my first just the normal weight gain, and all the tests and ultrasounds looked great.

I started having moments when my heart rate would go up and I could feel palpitations. I wasn't too worried because I had that with my first too and had to wear a heart monitor but never had any other problems with it. They said I just have an irregular heartbeat and my heart rate stays pretty high. So they put me on a monitor and still found nothing to worry about. At 35 weeks I stopped working because I was getting so big and miserable I couldn't take it anymore. That week my ankles started swelling which they did with my first son too so I didn't make a big deal out of it until I noticed they weren't going down even when I had them propped up all night.

So I went to the doctor on that friday, now 36 weeks, and he said my blood pressure was great and was a little worried about the swelling since it was all the way up to my knees so he sent me to the hospital to get lab work and do a 24 hour urinalysis. So I got up saturday morning and took a shower getting ready to take my tests back to the hospital and go grocery shopping. I kept feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom, lots of pressure, I thought it was just a real bad gas pain.  So as we were there I decided to go ahead and get checked since I hadn't been checked yet to see if I was dilating.

Come to find out I was fully thinned out, dilated to a 3, and having contractions every 2 minutes. No grocery shopping today! The heart rate was showing to be around 135. They tried to give me the shot to stop it since I was only 36 weeks but it didn't work. So I made the call to everyone and they were on their way!! We were so excited it's finally time. We couldn't stop smiling.

Then the doctor came in and broke my water. The fluid was kind of a tea color which worried him. The nurse came back in and was having trouble finding the heart rate. No longer smiling. They tried the other monitor on his head and still nothing. They brought in an ultrasound machine and thats when I saw, no movement, no flickering, nothing. He was gone.  I felt like my heart stopped too. I then had to make another phone call to everyone and break the news.

They brought in the ultrasound specialist and found that there was fluid around his heart which they estimated him being gone for at least a week. I was in shock, there was a heartbeat when I got here, how is that possible? Come to find out with my heart rate being so high they were picking up my heart rate through the water and it was high enough to be a normal baby heart rate and once they broke my water they couldn't pick it up anymore.

I still had to go through the whole labor like normal and was so mad. How could they do this to me? How can they tell me my baby is dead and then make me deliver? I just wanted to go home. I didn't want him to come out because I didn't want to let him go. I asked for everything possible because I didn't want to feel a thing. Got demerol, didn't work just made me feel high, got the epidural, didn't work, could feel everything and by then it was too late.

It was time to push and they allowed me to have whoever I wanted in there for support. My husband was right by my side the whole time. It seemed like I was pushing forever. He started crowning and it was burning so bad. I started thinking back when I delivered my first son, Cameron,  the crowning was the moment i realized I was really having a baby come out of me because I felt his head start moving around trying to wiggle out. But this baby, Brayden, he couldn't help himself, it was all left up to me.

Finally the head was out. Then the shoulders. But his abdomen was so swollen from being in those fluids for so long it was a struggle. I was pushing so hard, I wanted it to be over. The doctor was pulling and I could feel myself being pulled off the table. One of the nurses was on top of me pushing my stomach trying to get him out. It was so scary and so painful I was screaming but was too mad to cry. Finally he was out. Birth and death date, April 5, 2008. I felt so much relief but at the same time so empty.

They cleaned him up and handed him to my mom. I couldn't hold him. I was too scared of what might happen. I knew I wouldn't ever be able to let go. I reached out and touched his face but that's all I could do. They layed him in one of the bassinets and allowed everyone to come see him. He looked just like Cameron. He was 9lbs, 7oz. Only 7oz lighter then my first. I had to stay the night at the hospital that night and went home that sunday.

Monday morning we went up and planned the funeral. I have never done this and never thought I would ever do it for one of my kids. The funeral was beautiful and he looked so peaceful. This definitely was the hardest thing i've ever been through. Coming home to an empty nursery is not at all what I had planned. I would have never dreamed of this happening to me but I have learned so much from it. I have learned not to take anything for granted because it could be gone tomorrow. Thank you for reading my story, sorry its so long.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

http://www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

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Amanda,

Thanks for sharing your story. It's so very hard and I hope people/family are helping you with your loss. So many times people can say the wrong things not meaning to hurt you they are trying to encourage you and help.

Sonya

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Sonya,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I do have a lot of support. I have to say my son, Cameron, is my strength and my husband is my backbone. There were so many people there for me and I don't know where i would be without them. I have definitely experienced people saying the wrong things but mostly people just not knowing what to say and just not saying anything. I have came a long way since it happened and am dealing with it a lot better. But like I said I had a lot of support. I couldn't imagine having to go through this alone and feel so sorry for anyone that has to.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your story? And how have you been making it through.

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Amanda,

Danielle was my first born, my best friend, we grew up together. She was 21 years, 21 days old and was killed in a single car accident. It will be a year the 11 of October. We just celebrated her 22nd birthday on the 20 of September with a balloon release with just our family. Her Daddy, James (18) her brother and Mattie (6) her sister and her pride and joy. I do OK most days but I miss her so much. Thanks for asking.

Sonya

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Sonya,

I'm so sorry to hear that. I couldn't imagine what that is like. My situation is so much different because in 21 years of having your child with you it's not as easy to accept that they're gone. My son is only 4 and I dread the day he starts going and doing things without me because I will worry nonstop. I know that's normal for a parent but when you have already lost a child you're a little more protective.

How have your other children dealt with it? It's hard to see your other children hurting from a loss too. I'm sure James understands but how is Mattie dealing with it? My son kind of understands to a point but it doesn't really fully make sense quite yet and he's been going through a phase lately which I think is just his way of grieving. He is fixing to start therapy so he can get help with understanding and dealing with everything thats going on.

My sister is living with us now too and is having her baby friday and he tells me that he wants to keep this one so I pray everything goes ok for her and for us because I don't think we could handle another loss quite yet. Cameron has been dealing with all the confusion of babies and also trying to adapt with starting school and not being the only kid around getting all the attention which he doesn't like and he just recently started seeing his real dad so he is definitely having a lot go on in his life right now. 

I love the way you celebrated her birthday. Does everything kinda come back to you when you celebrate her birthday? I know it's hard to do it without her here I was just wondering because I know i'm doing better now but will I start all over next April 5? I will be thinking of you next month and wish you strength to handle all that may come with it.

Amanda

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Amanda,

James started college in August and he is adjusting to that. It's hard on him and he tries very hard to be strong for me and his Daddy. Mattie misses and talks about Danielle a lot they spent a lot of time together and Danielle was a lot like a second/fun Mama. About a month after lossing Danielle, Mattie asked me when are we going to laugh and play like before Mama. It broke my heart. We are moving along just slow but I do try very hard to laugh and play with Mattie because I know that's what Danielle would have wanted. As far as April the 5th goes it will bring everything back to the day but the days leading up to that day may be harder than the day it self.

Sonya

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Sonya,

I know what you mean by it breaking your heart when Mattie said that. Cameron has said a few things that just tear me up but I try to be strong for him. I know that when we were at the hospital he had come in and asked, "momma where's Brayden?" And I just broke down and my husband took him into the hall to tell him and he came back in and was so heartbroken and just hugged me telling me how much he wanted Brayden and missed him. He even told me on his birthday that he wished for Brayden to come home. So it is really hard to see him hurt by this but he has helped me so much. He is always wiping my tears and reminding me we are gonna be ok. It's great to have family with you to help keep you going. I'm just hoping we will be strong enough next april to not let it bring us back down or at least to help us get right back up again. Oh and by the way, Danielle was beautiful.

Amanda

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Jess,

I'm so sorry to hear that. If you don't mind me asking what caused it? They weren't really sure with mine and just said most likely it had to do with the chromosomes but the test for down syndrome was normal so I still am not sure. I'm glad to hear time helps. How long ago did this happen to you?

Amanda

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So my sister just had her baby this past thursday. I was there for the whole thing. Of course I was holding my breath the whole time so nervous of what could happen since my experience was so unexpected. She used the same doctor that I had with my two sons and he was very good to her and was always making sure I was doing ok with everything. When he broke her water he went ahead and put one the heart monitors on the babies head for me that way I can look over and see his heart beating and know for sure it was his and he was alive. It helped me a lot. Finally he was out. Everyone was so worried with how I would react with everything because it's only been almost 6 months since my son was stillborn, and honestly I was a little worried too. But when I saw him and heard him cry and held him in my arms I was so happy. I held back the tears because I knew if I started crying I wouldn't stop, but it wasn't sad tears it was happy tears. I was so relieved to hold my nephew and hear him breathing and feel him moving. I stayed at the hospital with her because I did not want to leave his side. I'm not feeling like this is a replacement for what I lost because I know this is not my son. I'm not feeling jealous either because I would never want my sister to have to go through that. I just know that it was love at first sight and this baby is so lucky because he will be so loved and will basically have two moms since they live with me. It's so cute to see my son holding him and kissing him. I think it has helped me so much and gave me hope and who knows maybe within a year I might have the courage to try again. Hope everyone is doing well.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

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I lost my child at 39 weeks.  She was due the next day.   I went into labor and had no idea until they attached the monitor.   There was no heartbeat.  How do you cope?   It has been 7 weeks.  I thought I was doing ok,  but now I don't even want to get up in the morning.   I was doing well the last few weeks,  but now I feel like I need someone to hold and nurture.   Has anything been helpful for you? 

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My experience was very much like yours.  I was due on August 10th.   On the 7th I went to the doctor and had a non-stress test, an ultrasound and an exam.  Everything was fine.    The next day she was quiet, but I felt movement.   Early in the morning,  I had the same feeling as you.  I thought I had to go to the bathroom,  then the pain increased.    After a while I called the doctor and went to the hospital.   I knew immediately something was wrong because the monitor didn't pick up anything.  Then the doctor came in and did the ultrasound.  I could see the heart and no movement.   It really is the worst moment of your life.

Then they gave me the choice of c-section or delivery.   I didn't want to have surgery and have to stay in the maternity ward, so i delivered her.    It took 9 hours from there,  with the same painful pushing down you experienced.  Finally she came out and was 8 lbs. 9 oz.    She was beautiful and perfectly healthy.   The doctors have not been able to figure out what happened.  That is probably the most frustrating part.   Not being about to explain it or to know if it might happen again.  

I'm glad for you that you have your son.   His questions must be tough, but he must also be a comfort to you.    This was my first child and I'm hoping I'll be able to have another,  but anxious about  what could happen. 

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cameronsmom1

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Don't worry i'm not gonna say you're still young you can try again because me being 23 i've heard enough of that. It's hard for others to know what to say when they've never been in this situation. So this is why i've started coming on here because you can relate a lot better and don't have to worry about what others will think or say because they've been there. I also have a myspace page that you might enjoy looking at. It's for our angel babies. www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

I don't believe they really gave me the option of a c-section. It would have been hard to decide because I was so ready to just get it over with and go home but at the same time never wanted to leave without my baby. They really can't tell me what happened either and I will always wonder. I'm kinda stuck between wanting to know and not knowing because if I found out it was something I did or something that could have been stopped it would just kill me but at the same time it would give me hope that if I was to ever try again it most likely wouldn't happen.

That is what makes the acceptance part so hard because you can't just accept that they just didn't make it. You know something happened, something caused it, a baby can't just die because it was his time to go, thats way too early. I know that it has to be hard when it's your first child because my son is what keeps me going. I have to live for him and be strong for him and if he wasn't there I'm sure I would never be this strong. It was my husbands first child and I think it has caused him to believe it's not possible for him to have a baby, that it's not meant to be. He's lost hope. With me I know that I have a healthy 4 year old and it is possible so I'm taking it a little easier then him.

I hope that you don't lose hope. I've read that once you have a stillbirth your chances to have another stillbirth are 5 times higher BUT if the cause is UNKNOWN you are less likely to have another stillbirth. That has helped me but at the same time I still worry. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

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I am 38.   I just got married last year and got pregnant right away,  mostly because of my age.   I had hoped to have 2 babies, and my age was always a concern for me.  Now I'm hoping to try again, but another whole  year has passed, and with age comes even more risks.   it's so hard not to have that baby here with you when you waited so long, and she was with me for 9 months.  

I have had tons of tests, and nothing was wrong with me or the baby.   You want to know because you want an explanation,  but you dread hearing that it was something you did.   THey have told me it was nothing i did, because she was fine and had no signs of any trauma or illness.    that makes you feel only a little better, because now it seems like there was no reason for it to happen.   damned if you do, damned if you don't.   they did a lot of tests to make sure i didn't have some problem that would cause this to happen again, and they were all negative.  now i have to decide if i'm ready to get pregnant again so soon.   i would wait a while , but i'm getting closer to 40 every day. 

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cameronsmom1

That was the hardest part for me. At first when I got pregnant it was a shock, I wasn't planning it and wasn't sure if I wanted another one. But 9 months pass and it was so close and we were so prepared and so excited and ready for him. Then we find out we don't get to keep him.

Yeah it does get a lot riskier with age. My mother in law had my husband when she was 35 and my sister in law when she was 37. It happens all the time. But I understand what you mean. All the tests are coming back negative but you can' t help but wonder well if nothing caused this then who's to say nothing will cause it again. They also told me it was nothing I did and ruled out any foul play and just said it was a natural cause. Well if it's so natural why's it so hard to see what it was.

We haven't really decided if we want to try again or not but I know if we do I want to do all the genetic testing possible because if I had to go through that again, I don't think I could handle it. Did your husband also take the tests?

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He didn't take any genetic tests because they did an autopsy and determined there was nothing genetically wrong with the baby.  the pathologist said there were clots in the placenta, so she must have been chronically deprived during the pregnancy.  my doctor said he sees clots all of the time, and the baby was 8 pounds, 9 ounces,  so she wasn't deprived of too much.  he believes something happened with the cord, but it was not wrapped around her neck.  she may have laid on it.  that happened to a patient of his the other day,  but luckily she was in the hospital and the monitor picked it up.  otherwise, she would have had no idea.   they had to a csection right away because the baby did not move to release the cord.  

You do have time to decide if you want to have another baby.  i already made up my mind.   i just saw the doctor today and he asked me if I'm pregnant yet.   probably not,  but hopefully soon.   he says it will be stressful for both of us if i go through another pregnancy,  but it will be worth it.  like you said,  the chances of another unexplained stillbirth are even less than they are for someone who has not gone through it. 

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cameronsmom1

That's great, I'm so excited for you. Good luck!

We had the option of doing an autopsy but didn't want to drag it on any longer then we had to. I've been wondering if it may had something to do with his cord. I know that when he was born they tried to draw blood from the cord and couldn't get any out since he had died almost a week ago and the placenta shut down so nothing was flowing through the cord. But at least you have comfort in knowing that cord accidents don't happen very often and it will be watched a lot closer.

Like I said good luck with everything and please keep me updated. I would be glad to be here for you through this.

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cameronsmom1

[user=22915]claudette[/user] wrote:

I lost my child at 39 weeks.  She was due the next day.   I went into labor and had no idea until they attached the monitor.   There was no heartbeat.  How do you cope?   It has been 7 weeks.  I thought I was doing ok,  but now I don't even want to get up in the morning.   I was doing well the last few weeks,  but now I feel like I need someone to hold and nurture.   Has anything been helpful for you? 

I just realized this was here and wanted to reply to it. It took me almost 3 months to finally break down with my son. Mainly because it happened so fast and seemed so unreal, like a dream, so i avoided it like it never happened. Then reality hit and knocked me to my knees. I have found comfort of course from my friends and family, mostly my husband and son, and with my myspace page and this website. Being able to have somewhere to go to express myself and relate to others who have gone through this has been the best thing I think. You never want to hold it in. Let it out, cry about it, yell about it, write about it, and more then anything talk about it.

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i feel like people don't want to bring it up,  and if i do talk about it,  i don't want them to get sick of hearing me talk about it.   it's nice to talk to other people who feel the same things.  i don't feel so much like i'm drawing attention to myself this way.   it's hard to explain,  but i don't want people to think i'm fishing for sympathy, like fishing for compliments.   and a lot of people just feel really uncomfortable talking to you about it. 

 

i'll keep you updated.  

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cameronsmom1

I know exactly what you mean. Here is one of the blogs that I have on my Myspace that pretty much sums up all the feelings I have. I thought you might like it.

I WISH

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't

think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The

truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my

baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that

you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The

truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or

if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I

should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to

act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my

baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasnt't really a baby

and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and

a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real

person - and he was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and

sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or

by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him.

Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone

thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me

something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was

perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

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that is all so true.  i'm going to print it so that people can read it.  there are so many different things you are thinking and feeling and you can't express them all to people.  this does that.

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cameronsmom1

Yeah it was definitely what I wanted everyone to know. Like I said I put it on my blogs on myspace because most of my friends are on there and I meant to but never got around to sending out thank you cards to everyone that helped with the funeral and sent flowers, etc... and was going to put a copy of that in it. I know how it is when a friend of your's loses a child and you have no idea what to say to them. You think that saying things like you can have more or he's in a better place will make them feel better or encourage them but you are doing exactly the opposite.

I don't know if you've had the chance to look on my myspace or not but there are a lot of other blogs on there like poems and other peoples stories, etc... There are two poems on there that I wrote, one for the funeral and one just for a letter to my baby. My husband also wrote a poem for the funeral and stood up and read it. I could never have done that. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself and it helps me say what needs to be said without needing a response from someone. I just get to let it all out on paper.

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that's what i've been doing.  not writing, but typing.  it seems to be very therapeutic.  wish i would have started doing it sooner.   it's making me cry more, but i feel like i'm getting a lot out of my system.

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cameronsmom1

Jess, that is so good to hear. I can definitely tell that it is easier now then it was a few months ago. How long ago did this happen to you and what caused it if you don't mind me asking.

Amanda

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thanks for asking.  it happened 7 weeks ago.   i was due on sunday, august 10th.  early in the morning on the 9th i started feeling pain and after a few hours called the doctor.    I thought i was starting labor, which I was.   when i went to the hospital they put on a monitor, but could not find a heartbeat.  they tried the ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat.   i delivered her about 11 hours later.

they have not figured out what went wrong.  she and i were perfectly healthy, and had been to the doctor on thursday.   They think she must have laid on her cord and her blood supply was cut off.  there is no other explanation that anyone can see.  she was 8 lbs., 9 ounces,  so she wasn't deprived of anything for very long.  

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cameronsmom1

Yeah it was hard for me at first to write and not cry. But thats the good part about writing. If it starts getting to you, you can stop and go back to it later. But i'm glad it is helping you get it out. It does get easier. The first time I put my story on here it was only like a paragraph but now, well you saw the story! It was so much more detailed and I was able to write it and it wasn't as hard.

Amanda

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Claudette,

I just wanted to write and check on you to see how things were going. I have been pretty good. Being able to hold my new baby nephew has been great and has helped so much but at the same time has made me think alot of my angel baby, Brayden. I think of what he would look like now and how different things would be with him here.

We went yesterday and finally got everything set up for his head stone. We had it already done but they lost our file or something. Then we went to hobby lobby and made a new flower arrangement for him and took it to his grave site. My 4 yr old, Cameron keeps asking when he's coming out of the ground and saying that he misses him and wishes he would come home. It hurts so much to hear him say that because I have to be the one to tell him he's never coming home.

I have been so up and down lately. Sometimes i'm fine and smiling and the next its like I don't want to talk to anyone and just want to be alone. I start to wonder if i'm bipolar. I got another prescription to get back on my antidepressants and hopefully it will help. Well hope to hear from you soon.

Amanda

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Hello.   It's nice to hear from you.  Actually i've been feeling better for the last week.  Two and a half weeks ago,  my dog was hit by a care.    She was with me through most of my pregnancy and my constant companion after Myah died.   She was home with me when my husband had to go to work, and she was a great comfort to me.  It sounds silly, but I never had to say anything to her,  she just knew when I needed to cuddle up to her and cry.  

For 2 weeks I was feeling really awful and it seemed like my heart just broke again.  Normally I don't think it would have had that effect on me, but under the circumstances I was devestated.    I finally talked my husband into getting a new dog last sunday.  she is the same breed and also a sweetheart.   It seems  a little neurotic,  but I guess I needed someone around to take care of.   And she keeps me company,  makes me get out of the bed in the morning, and gets me to take walks.  I just went back to work,  and it's nice to come home to her.   My husband is thrilled, too.    It's really amazing how much better she has made me feel.   I still miss my other puppy,  but now I have something else to focus on.   And of course I miss Myah every day,  but it helps to have something to keep you busy when I could be sitting on the couch feeling sad.   

I hope you are feeling better.   I can honestly say I know how you feel, and I've found that finding things to do has helped.  I went back to work and started going back to the gym too.   Of course my body hurts like hell, but hopefully that will go away.  Getting back into shape will be nice.    I  haven't had a positive pregnancy test yet,  but  keep your fingers crossed.   Please write whenever you like.

Claudette

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I'm sorry to hear about your puppy. It's really wierd that this happened because about two months after I lost Brayden my puppy died from heart worms. I wasn't too attached to it because i hadn't had it very long but just the feeling of loss all came back as if I had just lost another baby. It was hard. I can see how you find comfort from having your dog aroung though because having someone there you have to take care of and someone to keep you company definitely helps to keep you going. Had I not had my son I would have probably been in bed for the past 5 months not caring about anything.

I have found that after going through losing Brayden I have a hard time with goodbyes. It is hard for me to leave someones house or say goodbye to someone that is leaving mine without tearing up. I guess because i've come to realize that you are not promised tomorrow and you never know if that will be the last time you see them.

I will keep my fingers crossed and will be praying for you! Hope to hear good news soon!

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I just wanted to write and check on everyone. I was wondering if you could write me and tell me one of the main things that have helped you cope with your loss. Maybe something you do, or something you've read, or maybe even a family member or friend that has done something for you. I was wanting to post a blog on my myspace with helpful advice on coping especially for those who are just experiencing a loss. So if you could please give me some ideas I would greatly appreciate it.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

www. myspace. com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

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Cameronsmom1

I wanted to thank you for posting those 20 "I Wish" statements.  I printed them of and sent them to my family.  It seems we have to teach people how to treat us.

Thank you for sharing, I added one more to your list:

#21  I wish friends and strangers would stop giving me advise unless they themselves have experienced the loss of a child.  Just talk about Brian, tell me you care, and listen.

If one more person tells me what I should or should not be doing, I am going to scream.  It is all I can do to get up in the morning, get dressed for work and actually go into work (several times I was dressed and ready, but could not go).

Thank you again Cameronsmom - you are the best.

Colleen, Brian's mom forever

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Colleen,

You are so welcome. I'm glad you could use it. It's almost like people who haven't gone through this need a manual for how to talk to us and act around us. Well there it is, it says it all. I can see people afraid to bring it up because they think we will get upset but they don't realize how acting as if it never happened and they were never here hurts even worse.

On my myspace page I had a girl get on and ask me questions about what she could do because her sister had just lost her baby a week ago. I showed her this blog and she also printed it off for her and all of her friends. She said that a lot of her sisters friends want to call her but wouldn't know what to say. I told her they don't have to say anything just be there, tell her you are there for her and really be there. It's probably best to not say anything if you haven't experienced this.

The ones that actually have children have a little better understanding of what it could be like but still yet don't fully understand. The best thing they can do is just let you do what you need to, say what you need to, and go through this at your own pace. I use to find myself so mad at some of the things people would say but I started thinking back before I lost my son what it was like when someone close to me lost a child/mother/father, etc.. I personally didn't say anything but the only thing you can think of to say is something you think is encouraging and supportive and trying to help them see some positive. Now that i've experienced loss i've realized that in the beginning your mind won't let you think positive. I can look back now at the things I was so mad at people for saying and know that they were only trying to help and I love them for that. I know it hurts but you will realize someday they were just trying to help.

Here is my myspace page for angel babies if you are interested in taking a look:

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies  

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My baby would have been 7 months tomorrow. I miss him so much. Please keep me in your thoughts as I struggle through tomorrow.

Amanda

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Well i've moved out of the house that I spent my whole pregnancy in and where my sons first room would have been. I have so many mixed emotions with it all. I am sad to leave the only place he was ever with me but also feel as though a weight has been lifted and I feel free. Should I feel guilty about having this feeling?

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Cameronsmom

You are more brave then I.  My husband and I have been considering moving, because Brian died 1/4 mile from where we live and I drive past every day saying "That is where Brian took his last breath.

Our other son is a freshman at the area High School and our kids do not want to move.  Scott and I, however; are considering selling after Aaron graduates.  My fear is after my surviving children leave they will not want to come back to the home, because it will be a constant reminder of what we lost.

No one should tell you that what you are feeling is wrong.  I completely understand why you moved and with time your decision will rest easier.

As long as both you and your husband are in agreement, that is really all that matters.  Enjoy your new surroundings.  You did the right thing for you.

Colleen  Brian's Mom Forever

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Since heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone;

And though we now are far apart

You hold a big piece of my heart

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that one fragment you would take

God lets this tender hole remain,

reminding me we'll meet again,

and one day all the pain will cease

When He restores this missing piece

He'll turn to joy my every tear

with thoughts of you I hold so dear,

and they'll become my special way

to treasure our Reunion Day.

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