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This is. . . Difficult.


Tossed-into-the-Sea

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Tossed-into-the-Sea

I've never done anything like this. . . 

 

. . . By "this", I mean talk about stuff. I'm not sure where I should begin. 

 

Uh, I am nineteen. I have two younger teenage brothers. My older brother is. . . well, he's useless. In the worse way possible. . . Our father died March 23, 2005. 

 

Crap. This is where it gets hard for me. In the nine years since his passing, I've talked about him to one person. Ever. I'll mention him in passing, of course. And when asked about him, I acknowledge his death. But that's it. I don't talk about what I went through or what shattered inside of me the day, I--my father's angel--learned of his death. I thought that hiding behind the anonymity of a faceless poster would allow me to talk, but thus far, it has come to no good. I can't handle that pain. 

 

My mother died March 23, 2014. I didn't even get to say goodbye. To either of them. In fact, it takes everything in me to not blame myself for both their deaths. And I'm angry. 

 

Oh, I am angry. When Daddy died, I suppressed it out of a 10 year old's confusion. It slowly poisoned everything. When my grandmother died (January 17, 2010) it started stinging so bad that I turned numb inside. I smiled. I did nothing but smile. That potentially hurt me more than anything. I couldn't allow anyone to see the pain that I was going through. Now, with my mother's death on the same day of my father's. . . Not to mention that she died four days after my beloved boxer was murdered. . . I think I'm broken. It's been 18 days. And I hate everyone. I am so very angry. And I don't know why. I don't know what's happening. My boyfriend has his entire family intact and didn't grow up with any of the turmoil and destitution that I had to. My roommate has both of her parents and sisters and rolls her eyes when I randomly cry. 

 

I don't have anyone to talk to because no one wants to hear what is going on, even when they say they do. I'm not handling this how I should. According to my friends, I'm a drama queen and I'm needy and fake and doing it for attention. I've left my room four times in eighteen days. Everytime I go out people either look at me like I'm insane or with eyes so full of pity it makes me sick. It doesn't help that I live in a two horse town and everyone KNOWS that I learned of my mother's death from being tagged in a Facebook post and that I wasn't there for or with her. 

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Oh my dear, dear girl,

 

The first thing I'm going to say might not be easy to do: please stop listening to your friends.

 

This is horrific, horrendous... that you have to experience this, that you have no one to support you, that you found out the way you did, that you feel all eyes upon you.

 

You don't need the added pain of wondering whether you are normal or a drama queen.

 

I know it makes you feel uncomfortable when people look at you a certain way but maybe you can keep in mind, no one who has not experienced this for themselves will have any idea what you are going through.  And even the most well-intentioned people sometimes create great anger within us because they have no understanding and say things that are not helpful.

 

In all this, maybe try to let go of what those people outside of yourself are thinking and feeling.  They only just don't understand, and will never until they experience it themselves.

 

You have a great deal to feel angry about.  You have had horrible losses.  It is so easy and so natural to hate everything, to be in rage, or to experience any other level of anger or sadness or depression.

 

Or even fear... fear about the future or feelings of "how on earth can I survive this?"

 

It is the most confusing, difficult and painful time so everything you are feeling is exactly what you should be feeling.

 

There is so much going on inside of you.  You really do deserve to take all the time you need to help yourself through this.

 

I'm going to give you some examples of why you are normal:

 

When my sister died, one of her daughters didn't come out of her room for 6 months.  She had three children and a husband depending on her and yet she could not move.  Because she could do nothing, she started to feel guilty on top of everything else.  She also had what she considered irrational anger... she hated old people, because they were old.  Because her mother would never get a chance to be an old person.

 

So when you tell me about not leaving your room and when you express how these people in your life still have their parents, I understand why these things are important to you and you need to know that it is natural that they are.

 

I am glad you've taken this step.  You have such pain inside you and you deserve to have that pain acknowledged.  It is not going to be an easy journey and your mom died just a few days ago so I can imagine that everything you had bottled inside you has been amplified on top of the new horrible trauma of your mom dying.

 

But making a small gesture like this, coming here and expressing your feelings, will help you to understand that even though you live in a two-horse town, you are part of a three hundred thousand (and more) horse town, with each one of us knowing that life kicks us in the pit of our stomach, rips our heart out and turns our world upside down.

 

I am so very sorry you have to endure this pain.  I am so very sorry that it isn't going to get any better quickly.  But I am very proud of you for finally wanting to help yourself.

 

You need to know that just because your dad died, you remain his special angel.  You always will be.  He would always want you to feel that special.  In your deepest, darkest times, remember that is still who you are.

 

And it is so soon after your mom died, it is very important right now that you really don't judge yourself for what you are feeling.  If you don't have people that you trust in your life that you can open up your feelings to, maybe you can find a support group in your town.  Not everyone who lives there will be so un-understanding, I promise you that.

 

I see that you have mentioned writing as an interest.  I really recommend journalling, if you can, to help yourself understand your pain.  Sometimes it is helpful, sometimes not, but you deserve to be heard.

 

But the person who most needs to hear you, is you.

 

You need to be gentle with yourself.  You need to love yourself during all this pain and anger.

 

And when you feel the need to share that pain and anger, even if you don't understand it yet, you can try talking to a friend or even write more here.

 

You have two little brothers.  They are, I'm sure, feeling their own suffering.  One thing that you can do for yourself, and eventually for them, is to allow yourself to be honest - gentle but honest - about your own feelings, to them and with them.  Encourage them to share with you how they're feeling, encourage them to understand that it is natural.  For them to see that you are feeling that loss will help them understand that it is ok that they feel the loss too.  If, when you were 10, if someone had been gentle and cried with you, would that have been helpful?  I know it's not easy.  Sharing with the people we love can be very difficult.  But it may be helpful to you.

 

It is not bad to be feeling how you are.  It is important that you allow yourself to feel what you do feel.  As you do this, you will be able to understand more and more about what you need and how you can help yourself more.

 

Please take care of yourself during these times.  Sometimes just feeding ourselves is the most love we can give to ourselves, but when you feel that love from yourself to yourself, you will sometimes be able to feel it from your mother and father too.

 

<3

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Tossed-into-the-Sea

Oh, Heartlight. . . I'm crying now. And not the tears of misery and pain wrought from wretched sobs. You gave me something no one else has. Hope and support and hope for future support and inner strength. Thank you.

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I am glad that I have been able to help you give yourself some peace and some love.  This is a difficult enough time without having our own love and support to help us through it.

 

<3

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I'm so very to hear about the loss of your parents and your dog.  I fully agree with everything that Heartlight has said, I think she gave you some very good advice.  Have you thought about counseling where you can talk to someone without feeling judged?  I haven't sought counseling specifically for grief and loss, but I did before for some other personal issues and it did help to at least talk to a professional who really is there to listen rather than judge and give bad advice.  I, too, feel very alone and unsupported by friends and family but they really don't get it.  Until they go it through it themselves, they have no idea, NO IDEA what it's like.  We had tremendous losses in our lives and it takes a long time to grieve and make such an enormous transition in our lives.  I just want you to know you're not alone in the way you feel and I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this pain and sadness.  I'm glad you decided to post here...I feel very supported here and people here really do understand.  I hope you keep posting...we are here for you!

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Tossed-into-the-Sea

Thank you, Keiko  :biggrin:   ^_^

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Ouch and confused

Very well said Heartlight.

 

I am very sorry to hear all you've been through Tossed.  I can't imagine having the same "anniversary" for both of my parents (Mom is still with us).  I know that date, for me, is still hard and I hate the month of August. 

 

You sound a lot like me Tossed.  Just go on as business as usual, but it still keeps coming back.  Ugh.  Those pity eyes.  I so hate them, especially when they come from someone who doesn't even have a clue.  I get it, and thank you, but don't pity me - it only makes me feel worse.  Yep, and that anger will build and it will poison everything as long as you keep everything bottled up.  Like a tea pot on the stove that steam will come out at times; whether it is during a loss of another person or some other stressful situation. 

 

Trying to address these things is hard, but in the long run it is worth it.   Not only are you working toward accepting their loss, but you also end up dealing with and working on you and how you addressed these issues.  It is not your fault, and you should not feel guilty, but I understand how easy it is to feel that way. 

 

Talking about it does help, and that is what this board is for.  We are hear to listen, and share so don't be afraid to express yourself.  You are safe here without any judgements.

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Sandra in Chile

Greetings

I lost my Dad in October and because he raised me when my mom died when I was two it has brought all of this up and oh I feel soo sad. So want to say I understand your grief. I know the situation is different but I do know how sad it is to have those things combined. I have a few normal days and a lot of, I am sorry to admit, a lot of passive aggressive days. Today I was so mad. And because I live abroad it is hard for me to vent. So thanks for being there and know you are not alone

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