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5 years on - some advice needed


LalaRox

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Hi forum, 

 

I stumbled across this page in the hopes of getting some advice for my current situation, which I'm sure you all can relate to in some way or form.

 

We lost my younger brother 5 years ago this July, to an accidental heroin (with other drugs) overdose.

Matthew was 24 years old and at the time I was 25. It was such a shock to everyone, we all knew Matt was a little wild and had tried a lot of things to help him, which ultimately didn't. He wasn't known to use heroin either, which was another shock. 

 

At the time also, I was in a committed relationship for about 4 months and really, without my partner being there for me, I probably wouldn't have found the strength that I did to keep going. I did all the organising for his funeral, sitting up through all hours of the morning organising his photo slideshow, writing a eulogy, picking the music and speaking to the priest. I felt it was my duty as Matt's older sister to do this for him. I didn't even cry much during my eulogy - which I'm still surprised at today.

 

Basically, 5 years on, my partner believes that I haven't dealt with his death 'properly'. We are going through some dramas and I believe this might be stemming from holding a lot of hurt in. I feel at this point in my life that I am at a crossroads - and I am really unsure of how to deal with this. I feel I have gone through some major changes as a person and now my partner is the one copping the brunt of these. As the eldest, I have always been the 'good' one so this might have some reason as to why I am feeling the way I am.

 

Also, I have another younger brother who is just getting worse and worse since Matt's death. Constantly getting in trouble, unemployed, doing drugs, stealing from EVERYONE (even our from grandparents) and has a young daughter who he never sees. It is taking toll on our Dad as he says hurtful things like 'If you don't give me money, I'm just going to kill myself' things like that to make Dad feel guilty. 

 

Does anyone relate to these feelings? I have never spoken to a therapist or counsellor, which is maybe something I need to do. It feels like I am going through a 1/4 life crisis of some sorts?

 

I would love ANY info/advice from you guys, as I feel no one really understands where I am coming from. 

Please help!

 

Lala

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Hi Lala,

 

I'm very sorry about your brother :(

 

You've said a lot in your post but something that I wasn't able to discern...

 

How are you feeling?

 

You mention that your partner doesn't think you've dealt with Matthew's death properly but how do you feel about that?  Do YOU think you've dealt with it properly?

 

You mention another brother and how he's behavior is taking a toll on your father, but what is it doing to you?

 

I'm specifically pointing these out because you asked the specific question: does anyone relate to these feelings?  I don't want to put my own supposition of how you're feeling in there.

 

If I were, I could assume very difficult feelings.  If it were me, I would be feeling very difficult feelings: confused, angry, sad.  Feeling like I don't know what to do about any of the situations I've (you've) described.

 

You mention in your post that you think maybe the dramas current in your personal life may be because of holding hurt in.  From the way you wrote your message, I would say this is something that you may want to look at.

 

Losing anyone is terribly hard.  As you say, it does change a person.  If you feel that your crossroads is due to the fact that you've become a different person, after experiencing this loss, you may want to explore that, as well.

 

What I would recommend though, is to do your honest exploration first, before you make any 1/4 life changes.  You may end up making changes, but you have expressed enough here that I would encourage you to find a counsellor to talk about the process that you've gone through: to help you understand in the face of everything else that's going on, what is important TO YOU.

 

Hopefully this has been of some help.  Please hug your Dad and tell him that it's not his fault.

 

<3

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Oh Heartlight, your reply made me tear up! You definitely have a way with words! Thank you so much for your reply (and in the other post).

 

You are actually spot on. I re-read my post and I did not touch on my own feelings at all. And, from these realisations, I've FINALLY made the commitment to see a psychologist. My appointment is tomorrow actually and I feel like it's a positive step in the right direction.

 

I guess one of my weaknesses (or strengths?) is putting everyone before myself. I constantly think 'How are they feeling?' 'What would they think of me?' etc. I think is time for me to stop! 

 

Currently,  I have been feeling like something is missing from my life - not in the way of losing my brother, but I feel like I should be doing more with my life and now is the time I have only realised this. I think I have been floating these past few years and letting life just 'happen'. Which is why I need to make changes. 

 

I'll post my experience with the psychologist tomorrow - I have high hopes :-)

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I'm very happy that your experience in the forum has helped you touch something inside yourself.  Good luck with your session and remember to be gentle with yourself during this process of rediscovering yourself :)

 

<3

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