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I lost my mom at 17 and my dad at 18, I have such a huge void and I don't have any family while raising small kids. I feel so alone.


DASF

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I'm a 25 year old college student, and have been a Certified Nursing Assistant for over 7 years. On the outside I look like the average person my age, but I'm not. I am also the single mother of two beautiful boys and they are my world. Even that is somewhat normal these days, but most people I have come in contact with has no clue of how abnormal I feel. I'm the youngest of 7 children that comes from a pretty dysfunctional family. I didn't have the best childhood and I never had a sense of security. After my toddler years I never ever felt that I was nurtured or even felt important. Growing up my siblings were very mean and selfish, and I almost never felt like I belonged. My sibling closest in age to me is 4 years older and my oldest sibling is about 15 years older than I am. My parents had me when they were in their 30's, neither of them graduated high school, and my older siblings started having babies in their teens. My parents were always working to make ends meet I never had a close relationship with them because they were not involved. They also lived unhealthy lifestyles, and abused alcohol on a very regular basis. I hated seeing my parents drunk, it was like a different side of them, lots of fighting, arguing, and just embarrassment. I kind of got used to it over the years but I never thought it was acceptable. After years and years of this dysfunction, things somewhat got better. There was a little less fighting but lots of stress as my siblings never did anything with their lives and had many children which my parents were now helping financially raise, even though I was the only child of theirs under the age of 18. As I started to feel there was a glimpse of hope of my parents changing for the better I was completely caught off guard with what happened next. At the age of 17, during a time that I was scrambling trying to fill out college applications and gearing up for my high school graduation, one Saturday morning my mom was discovered unresponsive. After going to the hospital, it was discovered that she had a stroke in her sleep, and passed away three days later, the day before my high school graduation. Just a few months later, my father was diagnosed with cancer. After over a year and a half of treatment, and surgery to remove the tumor, things were looking up, until he started to refuse treatments and passed away, less than two years after my mom. These series of events were very traumatizing to me. I held off on college because I wasn't emotionally ready, I stayed to help financially and sometimes physically care for my dad when he was sick, then he just gives up. I was only 18 and both of my parents are gone. Now, I'm 25 and I still find myself longing to have that bond that I never had with my parents. I'm fearful that this will affect me for the rest of my life. I feel like I have this huge void. All of my grandparents were deceased by the time I was born except for one, my paternal grandfather, he was a fairly well off and uneducated man who disowned his kids to make his new wife happy. I saw this man every weekend and had no idea he was my grandfather because his wife wouldn't allow him to be involved in our lives. I also feel I'm a great mother and others do as well, but I have never seen how a healthy family unit function. I feel like I've not been properly guided and have no positive examples to refer to, which gives me anxiety. I recently got into a program that matched me with a mentor mom and I think it's a good program but my mentors example of getting to know each other is meeting once a month for an hour at the mall. I've been matched with her almost 7 months, we've seen each other only three times, and  I really don't know her on a personal level. As someone being mentored my needs and wants from the program isn't met. I'd like to do regular things like healthy cooking, doing some light exercise, crafts, activities that would help us bond and also teach me a thing or two. I really don't know if this void will ever go away...

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JustPrincess

I'm really sorry for your loss, I'm even sorrier that I know exactly how you feel in regards to losing both your parents so young. I'm 23 years old, my beautiful mother passed away very suddenly only 13 weeks ago and she was my world, my father died when I was 13 but he was never in my life, which was why my mum was always my everything. I'm 23 and have no parents... I still can't wrap my head around this being my reality, I would do anything to have back for just 5minutes. I also like you have no living grandparents. I know you said you weren't that close to your parents but that void you talked about I can definitely relate to. I can also tell you that my life was extremely dysfunctional in various ways before my mum passed away too, but I can't tell you how blessed you are to have your 2 sons, I can imagine it doesn't fill the void but to have that unconditional love and also to give it... That's part of what I'm missing so desperately. I understand that feeling of being so alone, because so few people lost both parents before their 25th birthday... please message me whenever you just want to talk or vent, I don't know anybody going through the same thing as me so it'd actually also be really helpful for me too as I feel alone in how I feel and what I'm going through all the time.

*big hug*

Princess

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Tossed-into-the-Sea

I too, grew up in a very dysfunctional home and went through the foster system numerous times. I am nineteen with no parents--my father passed when I was ten, my mother just eighteen days ago. After nine years, I can't fully accept my father's death. And I can't seem to talk about my mother in past tense. 

 

My brothers followed the paths that my parents put out. Drugs, violence, gangs, alcohol, selfishness, carelessness, greed, and all things related. Still, I have partial custody for the two younger ones. I am attempting to get two jobs so that I can do my best to give them a good life although they live in a bad area with my aunt. My home is too small and my landlord will not allow them to be here and I do not have the money to move so they can't be with me. But I'm not like them.

 

I've been self motivated. I am turning more and more like my mother in terms of being self destructive and angry. . . Still, I cannot allow myself to be her. I fear having children because I am terrified that my child would suffer the way I did. I understand your fears. 

 

Just make sure your boys smile. Teach them respect and kindness. Feed them and care for them and be a part of their lives. The fact that you worry you aren't being the best you can be means that you're a good parent. Do not fret, I feel that your boys are in good hands. 

 

As of right now, I am unsure how to fill the void. I receive no support from my friends or family--my roommates couldn't care less and my family doesn't acknowledge me unless giving them money is involved. I would like to think that a good friend could help, but I'm not sure. 

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