I lost my husband and the will to live

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Thanks Eagle-96 and KMB for your words, I never thought I would write these types of words here. When I was with my husband I never knew there are sites like this and now I am part of this site. When I was with my husband I used to tell him everything about my day , he used to call me at lunch time for asking about my meal and now there is no call in my phone, no one asked me have i take my meals or not or what I have taken. I am so lonely now, we were so close and  he called me 2-3 times over the phone and talked with me, we just dont want stay away from each other. Every Evening he reached home and I welcomed him by kiss and then we start preparing for dinner, he always there with me in kitchen and tell me about his day and I also tell him about my day in office but now all these things are gone, I am just dying without him.

We were together for 8.5 years including 3 years of marriage, I can not describe him in words. He was type of person every girl wants, even I did not knew I loved him this much but he is gone and now I realized how much I love him. I dont believe in God now, because he used to pray every morning and evening in front of god and look what god did with him. We had so many plans, we were planning to buy home and then next year we are going to start our family but within 4 days my complete life changed and I still dont believe he is gone due to chickenpox complications.  God can not be so cruel to those who worshiped him so now for me there is no God and I dont believe these type of things now. I only know that one day my day will come and I just want that, I dont have to wait too long and hope I will meet my Goli  (I used to call him) very soon. 

I too never thought I would be in this position(I guess none of us really did). Sure I could envision being here 30-40 years from now. I just never imagined I would be speaking of Lori in the past tense at the age of 45. At 45 we were just hitting our stride. We were planning to retire in 14-15 years. We were finally financially sound and could do the things we wanted. We had plans. We had things to do. But like the saying goes, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans". I don't plan too far out into the future anymore. I sit and think about Lori working so hard at her job to help provide for a retirement that she won't get to enjoy now. It's difficult to save for that rainy day now knowing that things change in the blink of an eye. 

[KayC]

LoveGoli,

I am so sorry, it's especially unfair for someone so young to be going through this.  I guess I don't look at it as God doing it to us but things happen in life that we don't foresee, however we can get through this with any degree of comfort that is what we have to try.  It's good to have family that cares, but that doesn't mean they understand what we're going through, someone has to experience this to understand and we don't wish it on anyone.  I pray all of us find reasons to smile, however small, no matter how long it takes.

[LoveGoli]

Yesterday, strange thing happened with me and I want to share with you all. Yesterday once I reached home after work, I was missing my husband , around 8:30 pm my sister reached home after work. She put her phone on charging and sit besides me. I was crying that time and missing my husband so badly, suddenly a song started to playing and we were so confused where this sound coming from, we checked my phone, my husband phone and tv and lastly we found that this song playing in my sister's phone. We were so amazed that without touching her phone , how music started playing online, and that song was so meaningful because that song was also related to death and life.

I am sure that my Goli played that song for me to give me some kind of comfort,  I read multiple post online that deceased person gives us sign and I thinks this is his way to give me sign, what you guys think, am I right or I am just missing him so badly & now believing these things.

Please do reply on this if anyone ever faced the same.

[KayC]

I have heard of things like this happening, not sure if you are reading the other threads or not but you might want to...here is one current topic along these lines:

 

[KMB]

LoveGoli, During my first couple of months, whenever I had to drive somewhere, an old Conway Twitty song kept coming on the radio. ( I only listen to classic country). The song was "Crazy In Love". I didn't take it as a coincidence, since it happened quite often and my driving was at different times. I feel it was my husband's way of letting me know to remember back on our early years when he was healthy and we went places and had fun. I heard the song again last month. I was feeling really low and spontaneously decided to go for a drive to get out of my own head for a bit. I do not listen to music at home here. I cannot handle that yet. But, I do have it at low volume when I am driving.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KMB said:

I do not listen to music at home here.

Me too.  I made myself listen to ALL of George's CDs after he died, he had eclectic taste and quite a collection.  Some really were not my taste and I gave them away but not until after I listened to them all the way through to see if I could see what he saw in it, I didn't want to miss anything about him!  But I reached the place where it's too hard, way too hard, we had so many "our songs", my son made us a wedding CD with most of our songs on it, I still have it, of course, but rarely listen to it.  Even after 12 years it's too painful.

[KMB]

47 minutes ago, KayC said:

.  Even after 12 years it's too painful.

I don't know if it will change for me either. I use to have music on while house cleaning. My husband thought it was cute if he walked in while I was singing away. Music used to enhance my THEN happiness. I'm not happy, so no music in the house.

A new rule should be made with this life and death stuff. When it comes to soul mates, they should be allowed to leave this earth together. This is pure hell.

[Nay's Girl]

7 minutes ago, KMB said:

 

A new rule should be made with this life and death stuff. When it comes to soul mates, they should be allowed to leave this earth together. This is pure hell.

Long time lurker, going on a little over 3.5 mos since I lost my partner/husband (together 18yrs, not legally married but husband and wife all the same) and this is my sentiment exactly. We should be allowed to leave together. This pain is the absolute worst thing I've ever been through.

[KMB]

Nay's Girl, Deeply sorry for your loss. I know your pain all too well. There are no words adequate for expressing how we feel. No one minds if you lurk here. If our posts bring you comfort or giving you suggestions for coping, that is why we are here. Read away and express yourself when you feel the need. It hurts when I see new members, because I know what they are going through. I never thought for myself, that I would need this kind of support for many years yet. i am thankful this forum exists. It has become my life line.  (HUGS)

[LoveGoli]

Today is 50th day when I lost the love of life, I miss him more and more, I can't focus on work, all I do is to read post here and feel the pain which other people feeling.

I cry all the time, if some one call me or talk to me. I can't bear this pain anymore and dont know how long I have to take this. I am dying inside and dont want to live anymore.

I just want to sleep and never wake up, I dont find any meaning of my life its so meaningless now, why this happened with me in such young age. At least if we spend 20 more years together then he can fulfill our few dreams, at least he become father so that  his legacy go on but he left me in such young age and I am just lost.

Hope death find me soon and I will meet my goli.

 

 

 

 

[Eagle-96]

7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Today is 50th day when I lost the love of life, I miss him more and more, I can't focus on work, all I do is to read post here and feel the pain which other people feeling.

I cry all the time, if some one call me or talk to me. I can't bear this pain anymore and dont know how long I have to take this. I am dying inside and dont want to live anymore.

I just want to sleep and never wake up, I dont find any meaning of my life its so meaningless now, why this happened with me in such young age. At least if we spend 20 more years together then he can fulfill our few dreams, at least he become father so that  his legacy go on but he left me in such young age and I am just lost.

Hope death find me soon and I will meet my goli.

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. Sometimes the pain seems unbearable. As if it will never end with no hope in sight. There are times when I think it would be easier if I just died. Maybe a heart attack or terminal diagnosis. I would be with Lori and everything would be right again. I think many of us think this way sometimes. Especially when the weight of grief seems to heavy. I have never actively thought of taking my life though and if you are considering it I would encourage you to seek help. I am not sure where you live so here is a link to an international suicide network:

 http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

[KayC]

13 hours ago, KMB said:

A new rule should be made with this life and death stuff. When it comes to soul mates, they should be allowed to leave this earth together.

I like this new rule!

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Nay's Girl said:

Long time lurker, going on a little over 3.5 mos since I lost my partner/husband (together 18yrs, not legally married but husband and wife all the same) and this is my sentiment exactly. We should be allowed to leave together. This pain is the absolute worst thing I've ever been through.

I am sorry you lost your husband, I don't know of anything harder.  I'm glad you've decided to join us here, although I'm sorry for the reason.  It does help to express yourself, and we're listening.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

I dont find any meaning of my life its so meaningless now

I think we all felt that way in the early days/months.  It does take a long time to find purpose and build a life for ourselves we can live.  Try not to focus on how long it takes and just keep plugging away, one day at a time.  The one thing we have to hold onto is hope.

[KayC]

How outrageous that you would direct us to someone to "save our marriage" when we have lost our beloved spouse to death!  Your post has been reported for the spam it is.

[Patti14]

I completely understand. I am 38 Years old and just lost my husband on 09/23/17. I don't know how I am going to do it without him. I lost my whole world. I don't feel like it will ever get better. I know exactly how you feel.

[KayC]

It looks like the spammer was removed so you can ignore my retort to it.

[Cucciola]

I am sorry to be joining this forum.
I lost the love of my life almost 4 months ago, in a sudden death on our bed, while the ambulance was arriving, cardiac arrest.
I can't get that terrible moment out of my mind, I can't believe it happend to Carlo, my love, at the age of 34.
We were only 7 years together, due to other losses in his life we haven't been officialy married or started a family yet.
This fall we should have started 'living' finally, after dark few years, he used to tell me that I will see that our life will get better, he promised me, we would have all we planned and worked so hard for.
We never managed to do that.

I relate to the lack of will to live, I have no future, we have no future. 
I do understand one thing  though, and that is what I try to tell myself, there is no time in life to waste.
We wasted our time building a future that now is gone. Struggling instead of living.
We were so happy together, even through the hardest of times, we found love and joy just by being together.
I don't know where to go from here, on top of my grief I lost my job because I couldn't go to work the first couple of months.
Also, I live abroad, away from my family, I don't know what am I suppose to do next, Carlo was my home and my family. 
Everyone assume I will move back to my country, but I can't imagine leaving behind all our life, our memories, leaving our home.

[KMB]

Cucciola,   I am sorry for your loss and having that terrible reason for joining this forum. I never knew these types of forums existed, until I found myself on the internet looking for grief help.My husband passed of sudden cardiac arrest too. It happened during the night. He must have gotten up for the bathroom and I wasn't aware until I got up in the morning and discovered him in the bathroom doorway. I was in shock for a very long time. I also had my share of guilt because I had been sleeping and not aware. I would have done anything to save him. The ME reassured me that it was instant and nothing would have helped him even if I had been there when it happened. It took me a very long time to work through my guilt feelings and forgive myself.

It must be so hard being away from your family and their loving support. Do you have friends that are being there for you? Carlo's family?  Have you given any thought to grief support groups or a grief therapist? I am only asking because it is so difficult going through grieving with no help at all. Grieving is a lonely road as it is and it helps in reaching out to others for comfort and support.

With our loss, it is not only losing our special person, we lose our way of life as we knew it, dreams and plans. We also lose ourselves.  Don't worry about the future. It is an unknown. Just getting through the current day is more than enough to handle.

Please keep coming here. Just reading posts can bring a little comfort and encouragement. There is no judging or criticizing, so feel free to vent, cry or whatever you need to express. We will be your grief family. There isn't anything we haven't felt or thought with this agony of losing the most important person we gave all our love to.

Sending prayers for strength, comfort and peace.

[KayC]

Cucciola,

I am so sorry for your loss, and then to lose your job on top of that, you must be feeling overwhelmed.  I wish you could go home to your family where they could support you through this.  This has to be very hard.  Whatever you decide, I wish for all to work out for you.  Do you have friends with you to help you through this?

I lost my husband five days after he turned 51, I didn't expect it, heart attack also.   My friends disappeared on me and then I lost my job, so I can relate, but I wasn't in another country.  We were together 6 1/2 years, married just 3 years 8 months.  All too short.  We thought we had a lifetime.

I hope you'll keep coming here and posting, it helps to know you're heard by people who get it and there are other young people with losses here too.

(((hugs)))

[Cucciola]

Thanks so much KMB and KayC for responding, I am so sorry for you losses. It is heartbreaking to see how many of us lost our love so soon. I envy old couples that had their love thrive for so many years. It should have been us..

I can't forgive myself, I feel so much guilt, in that moment there wasn't much I could do, but we should have checked is heart earlier, his dad had bad heart, and we just missed it, so busy with the day-to-day life and post loss troubles (he lost his mom 3 years ago), he was sure he has plenty of time before he would have to worry about that. And I didn't insist. I love him so much, I don't know why I didn't insist. I tried to give him time to solve each problem at a time, but I was wrong. so so wrong.

I've been home over the summer, for a month and a half, but I didn't feel that much comfort, I felt so much distant from our lives, our home, it felt like a different reality. My family tries to be there for me, but they don't know what to say and how to help me, they just keep thinking about me all the time, but I think about him, not me. He is the one that will not enjoy this great sunny day, or would not have a chance to fulfill his dreams, and would never have the joy to be a father. I eventually, hopefully, will have all of these, I am here, he is the one that is not.   They can't realize that because they are too worried about me. 

Here I can feel much closer to him, meeting with his family from time to time, hearing our language on the street, sleeping in our bed. 

I have a very good friend here, and his sister. With his sister I have a difficult relationship, but we try, at least on the surface, to make it work. We have a lot of differences, so different way of life, but I try my best to keep her close. I know that we share the loss of Carlo, for her her only family left, for me my future and love of my life. I just don't think she understands me so much, she as well thinks I should move on and one day continue to another relationship. I guess she had never loved someone that much, never shared her future and dreams with someone, never had a family and home in a partner's heart. Otherwise she would have understand that he is my life, and will ever be. 

 

Thanks again for being there, I send hugs too all of you.

 

 

 

 

[Patti14]

On 10/8/2017 at 8:02 AM, Cucciola said:

I am sorry to be joining this forum.
I lost the love of my life almost 4 months ago, in a sudden death on our bed, while the ambulance was arriving, cardiac arrest.
I can't get that terrible moment out of my mind, I can't believe it happend to Carlo, my love, at the age of 34.
We were only 7 years together, due to other losses in his life we haven't been officialy married or started a family yet.
This fall we should have started 'living' finally, after dark few years, he used to tell me that I will see that our life will get better, he promised me, we would have all we planned and worked so hard for.
We never managed to do that.

I relate to the lack of will to live, I have no future, we have no future. 
I do understand one thing  though, and that is what I try to tell myself, there is no time in life to waste.
We wasted our time building a future that now is gone. Struggling instead of living.
We were so happy together, even through the hardest of times, we found love and joy just by being together.
I don't know where to go from here, on top of my grief I lost my job because I couldn't go to work the first couple of months.
Also, I live abroad, away from my family, I don't know what am I suppose to do next, Carlo was my home and my family. 
Everyone assume I will move back to my country, but I can't imagine leaving behind all our life, our memories, leaving our home.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband the same way almost 3 weeks ago. It is painful and hard. There definitely is no time to waste but time is not enjoyable anymore without him. 

[Cucciola]

Patty, I am so so sorry for your loss. 

I understand you, time is meaningless without your love, I feel the same. Time has stopped in that second.

But I do know, from our experience, that time does't really stops, even if it feels like. It is so soon for you to have any clear thought at this moment, so for now just try to go in small steps, destination is unknown, but just one step at a time.

I am here for you if you want to share, I can relate so deeply to your pain. 

sending a hug

[KayC]

On 10/12/2017 at 3:54 AM, Cucciola said:

Thanks so much KMB and KayC for responding, I am so sorry for you losses. It is heartbreaking to see how many of us lost our love so soon. I envy old couples that had their love thrive for so many years. It should have been us..

I can't forgive myself, I feel so much guilt, in that moment there wasn't much I could do, but we should have checked is heart earlier, his dad had bad heart, and we just missed it, so busy with the day-to-day life and post loss troubles (he lost his mom 3 years ago), he was sure he has plenty of time before he would have to worry about that. And I didn't insist. I love him so much, I don't know why I didn't insist. I tried to give him time to solve each problem at a time, but I was wrong. so so wrong.

I've been home over the summer, for a month and a half, but I didn't feel that much comfort, I felt so much distant from our lives, our home, it felt like a different reality. My family tries to be there for me, but they don't know what to say and how to help me, they just keep thinking about me all the time, but I think about him, not me. He is the one that will not enjoy this great sunny day, or would not have a chance to fulfill his dreams, and would never have the joy to be a father. I eventually, hopefully, will have all of these, I am here, he is the one that is not.   They can't realize that because they are too worried about me. 

Here I can feel much closer to him, meeting with his family from time to time, hearing our language on the street, sleeping in our bed. 

I have a very good friend here, and his sister. With his sister I have a difficult relationship, but we try, at least on the surface, to make it work. We have a lot of differences, so different way of life, but I try my best to keep her close. I know that we share the loss of Carlo, for her her only family left, for me my future and love of my life. I just don't think she understands me so much, she as well thinks I should move on and one day continue to another relationship. I guess she had never loved someone that much, never shared her future and dreams with someone, never had a family and home in a partner's heart. Otherwise she would have understand that he is my life, and will ever be. 

Thanks again for being there, I send hugs too all of you.

I went through the same feelings as my husband also died of a heart attack and we hadn't known before that weekend.  I feel much of the blame lied with the doctor, because George did complain of symptoms.  But if they don't know, how can we be expected to know?  I did encourage him to see another doctor but he didn't do it.  I thought he was a grown man who could decide what was best for him, now I wish I'd been more insistent.  But we are not to blame, we did not know this would happen.  This is common grief response.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

I'm glad you have his sister,  my husband's family disappeared as did our friends.  I have only my sisters and kids and they don't live nearby. 

People who have not lost their loved one like this can't know that it's not as easy as just finding someone else.  No one replaces them and our hearts aren't in it anyway.  To have the one you love ripped away from you against your will is the hardest thing to go through.

One day at a time.

[TeddTodd]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

People who have not lost their loved one like this can't know that it's not as easy as just finding someone else.  No one replaces them and our hearts aren't in it anyway.  To have the one you love ripped away from you against your will is the hardest thing to go through.

Yes that is so true. Today, I was talking to a friend and about to mention about Todd, I have not even actually said his name. The friend quickly cut the conversation "change topic". People around us think that the best way for us to end our grief is "get over him" and "don't talk abt him" . Sometime I wish I can just response back to them "wait until is your turn and you can come and look for me because I will be the one of the few friends to who how to be a friend in needs" but of coz I cannt do that. That's will be so nasty. 

I feel so sad that as day goes by, people will be talking less and less about him and even avoid mentioning his name just as if he did not exist. "Out of sight, out of mind." I will still be talking to him in my head, in my heart and in my dream. 

[KMB]

2 hours ago, TeddTodd said:

I feel so sad that as day goes by, people will be talking less and less about him and even avoid mentioning his name just as if he did not exist. "Out of sight, out of mind." I will still be talking to him in my head, in my heart and in my dream

Same here.  Missing our loved one will keep going on for us, but not so with others.

[KayC]

It makes you want to hand them a sheet of paper that tells HOW to be a friend to someone who is grieving.  People really need educated about this in our culture and they're not getting it!  I always feel grateful when a celebrity brings something to light because people listen to them.

[Cucciola]

The truth is, we are keep looking for that warm hug of our loved one, the one person who knew us deeply and loved us eventhough our biggest flaws.. that person who knew perfectly how to cheer us up, to say the correct words, even hard if needed, but in the right amount.

Carlo's reaction is what I keep looking for when speaking with people, and they keep doing it wrong... He knew what I need now, warm hug, small joke to get me smiling, and some comforting words to let me know that he is here for me, and I am safe and loved.

 

 

 

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Cucciola said:

Carlo's reaction is what I keep looking for when speaking with people, and they keep doing it wrong... He knew what I need now, warm hug, small joke to get me smiling, and some comforting words to let me know that he is here for me, and I am safe and loved.

I know exactly what you mean. All we have left are beautiful memories. We are on our own now, trying to stand for ourselves.

[KayC]

They knew us through and through, so it stands to reason they'd know what we need.

[Jay W]

I know how you feel and I often wish I was with my wife again. Please do not tell anybody in the police or medical fields that you do not want to live. They will see that as a threat to yourself and take you away for psychiatric counselling. I know that for a fact as my wife and I were both taken away and I was grilled for 6 hours. Then spent 4 days trying to get my wife home. Its hell. And living without her is hell.

I don't know about prayer. I prayed every night and went to church each Sunday praying for her to get better. Didn't work. I believe that someone is out there watching us but don't know who. My only consolation now is knowing that when I die and am cremated our ashes will be placed together.

[KMB]

4 hours ago, Jay W said:

I don't know about prayer. I prayed every night and went to church each Sunday praying for her to get better. Didn't work. I believe that someone is out there watching us but don't know who

I did a lot of praying for my husband too. I would ask God to stop my husband's suffering and help him heal. God answered my prayers by taking him to Heaven. Not the answer I wanted, but God knows what He is doing.

[Jay W]

I often wonder what outsiders think when we lose someone. My best friend of 40 years just stopped communicating with me as did my sister. Some people think its because they do not know what to say. I don't know. To these outsiders life goes on and I guess they expect us to as well.

I prayed for my wife for 2 years and it made no difference. The night she died I prayed that God would take her so she would not suffer any longer. Ten minutes later she was gone. Coincidence? Again I don't know. Now I feel guilty that I did not cry at the time but they say grief hits people differently. I certainly am crying a lot these days and its not letting up. 

[KayC]

Maybe those prayers helped her through it.  This is but a blink of an eye compared to what is to come, we'll be together again never to part.  That is where my hope lies.

You didn't cry at the time because you were probably in shock.  I don't even remember if I cried, I know I was in shock. When I learned he died, I screamed out in anguish.  I remember being dazed, I couldn't sleep, I was frantic.

[Kevinx]

Tish and others who have lost their soulmate, best friend, life partner, the person that is their only family.

Don’t live in pain and suffering. I am 40 been with my husband for 20 years. We both have family we love, but everyone grows up and create their own family. And we were our own family with our two dogs. My husband suffers a disease and will be here long. It will soon take his life. He gets very angry when I tell him I can’t and won’t live without him. And I mean it. I grew up catholic and became atheist so I know once he is gone, is will no longer exist in any form, no place at the gate, no waiting in heaven. 

We only have one life to live. I am counting and making the most out of every day he is still here. Like you said Tish, I am one of the lucky ones that can make the most of the time that he has left here. But like you, I know I don’t have a reason to live without him. I have family that love me, but its a different love. Everyone has a different view of love and what they need in life and I need him to live. Once he goes. I will go. It won’t be painful. There are many ways to go painlessly. Sorry to be morbid, but I have never been afraid of death except when I was in fear of god and the afterlife. I know that doesn’t exist. 

When the only person that can make me live and love is gone, there is nothing left for me and i will go and not be afraid. I will disappear just as he will. He wants me to survive him. He loves me so much and wants me to be happy and have a long life. I rather have the same life span he has together. I tried telling him we can go together when its time. And he won’t have that. So I  have to pretend I will continue on when he is gone but my plan is to go right after he goes. Why suffer for the rest of my life counting the days. Why do I need to live to 100 by myself in misery for no reason. I can barely take the fact that one of my dogs will go soon. He is 17 years old and I love him so much almost as much as my husband. Some of us love too much and without that person to love we can’t live.

[KayC]

Kevinx,

Please don't encourage anyone to suicide.  You don't know what life is like beyond the other side of grief, it's important to give yourself time to adjust to this.  We have pets, families, friends, that we would be passing the grief baton to.  

I wrote this article based on my 12 year grief journey and want to share it with you.  If you want to commit suicide I can't stop you but I urge you to contact someone for professional help, we can use all the wisdom and guidance we can get in going through this.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kevinx]

EDIT: Tish, Sorry I sound like I took over your post, I only meant to comment because your post really spoke to me and I only just discovered this forum. 

Hi KayC

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. Just knowing I will be losing my soul mate soon, I have been living as a full time caretaker and pre-grief every single day. The only thing keeping me going is having another day with him. I am tired of this fight. We spend every week at the emergency room, doctor or urgent care. 

I am so sad, so angry. We have done everything right. He was a social worker in child protective services and devoted his life to saving children and families. And yet we have to fight to live. We both have been to therapy and they cannot help us. Myself especially, I have a weak will to live.

In the moment now, we are just trying to do as much as possible, like a bucket list before he goes. We will do as much as our finances allows us. Again before reading in these forums, I felt worst, but I realize I am lucky to have preparation while others have had their love taken away without any notice. I can only imagine the grief, sadness and anger that those have to go through.

I know I can't survive this kind of grief. I am weak on my own. Many of us want to just die or disappear and no one will allow us to feel this way. And tell us to wait. It will get better. I know it won't get better. There seems to be no place or people to talk about the wanting and right to die. Oregon and Switzerland have legalized this for people and I think it is very humane. Extreme grief and depression are just as painful as any physical illness.

[KayC]

Anticipatory grief is very hard.  I went through that with my MIL, she was the mom I'd always wanted (I came from dysfunctional parents), my best friend in that time, I couldn't imagine losing her, not having her to talk to.  She was bedridden with cancer for three years, and I was her caregiver.  Funny, at the time I didn't think of myself as a caregiver, I just did what needed to be done, I cared for her, tried to make her comfortable where possible.  My kids were babies when we started out with it, so they literally lived with death, it was very hard for them.  

I just hope in your not wanting to live when he dies that you don't put that on him, because he has so much to deal with himself right now just facing it.  I know you don't want to live...not right now anyway, but sometimes that can change, you can't know until you're there.  Live each day in the moment, try to stay in the present and don't look ahead too far.  We have our hands full with this moment.  Besides, to look back or ahead too far we miss what IS.  It may not get "better" as compared to "before", that's not what I mean, but we adjust, little by little and as we hone our coping skills...and it's truly amazing how resilient our bodies and brains can be, we don't know until we're in it.  Kevinx, I've been there.  My husband DIED, I wanted to die!  I didn't see how I could possibly live without him!  But I have, it's been twelve years!  It takes us working out our grief, putting in effort.  That article I wrote, it was wrote with blood sweat and tears, it was my journey twelve years long, it's what I have learned on my journey, it's what has helped me make it through this, none of it was cavalier or easy but I've done it, so I know if I can, anyone can, because I know where I started, what my feelings were, the hopelessness I felt.

[Cucciola]

On 18/01/2018 at 1:59 AM, Kevinx said:

Tish and others who have lost their soulmate, best friend, life partner, the person that is their only family.

Don’t live in pain and suffering. I am 40 been with my husband for 20 years. We both have family we love, but everyone grows up and create their own family. And we were our own family with our two dogs. My husband suffers a disease and will be here long. It will soon take his life. He gets very angry when I tell him I can’t and won’t live without him. And I mean it. I grew up catholic and became atheist so I know once he is gone, is will no longer exist in any form, no place at the gate, no waiting in heaven. 

We only have one life to live. I am counting and making the most out of every day he is still here. Like you said Tish, I am one of the lucky ones that can make the most of the time that he has left here. But like you, I know I don’t have a reason to live without him. I have family that love me, but its a different love. Everyone has a different view of love and what they need in life and I need him to live. Once he goes. I will go. It won’t be painful. There are many ways to go painlessly. Sorry to be morbid, but I have never been afraid of death except when I was in fear of god and the afterlife. I know that doesn’t exist. 

When the only person that can make me live and love is gone, there is nothing left for me and i will go and not be afraid. I will disappear just as he will. He wants me to survive him. He loves me so much and wants me to be happy and have a long life. I rather have the same life span he has together. I tried telling him we can go together when its time. And he won’t have that. So I  have to pretend I will continue on when he is gone but my plan is to go right after he goes. Why suffer for the rest of my life counting the days. Why do I need to live to 100 by myself in misery for no reason. I can barely take the fact that one of my dogs will go soon. He is 17 years old and I love him so much almost as much as my husband. Some of us love too much and without that person to love we can’t live.

Kevinx, I don't know much about anticipatory grief, my man died of a cardiac arrest after a normal evening we spent together. 

What I do know is that I am still here alive because of him.
He is my soulmate, I am the closest person to him and my job is to let his light keep on shining.
If I go, our great love will go away from this world.

I want to cherish him and keep him alive, I don't know yet how, it has only been 7 months, but I keep on fighting every day to be stronger so I can do something big for him, for us.

He deserves to be loved and to be known and to be remembered, until the day I close my eyes for the last time.

Carlo is my responsibility, I am the only witness of our beautiful love, I cannot let it go away.
 

[KayC]

And I am going through that now with my sister, Donna.  Anticipatory grief is hard because it's easy to stay in denial.

[athina.sal]

I lost my beloved husband two years and three months ago.

My life stopped that night,the night of the accident.I can't describe the pain and the despair.All the first year i was crying my eyes out and screaming his name to the walls.Now,i cry less but i live like a zombie.I wake up every day,go to work,eat,speak,move,but i;m dead inside.I'm on medication since day one,i take 8 pills every day,but this changes nothing of the way i feel.I hoped it would get better but it doesn't.The only thought that calms me is when i think about dying and i think of it alot.All day long i think of ways to die and go to him,be with him again.Tisha i know exactly how you feel.Dear KayC,you have spoken to my heart and made me feel a little better for a while.Thank you for sharing.I pray to God to take me away,any way He likes,even with terminal cancer.I'm jealous of people with cancer.

I have a son,he is 23 years old and lives in another city.He is the only reason i don't commit suicide.And there is one more reason,I'm scared that i will fail and end up alive with more problems.How will i manage to go on?I just want to die.Nothing gives me any joy any more.my life is a living hell.Noone can understand,unless one's been there.I miss him so much,it drives me crazy.Please God,take me away!

 

[KayC]

@athina.sal  I am so sorry, I do know the pain and struggles.  Everything in your life is turned upside down.  It takes much time to build a life you can live, to find some purpose, both of which are essential to your survival.  It took me a full three years just to process my husband's death, and it took me many more years to find purpose and build a life I can live...nothing like it was "before", but doable.  I'm glad you have your son.  Suicidal feelings are common in grief but I'm glad you don't act on it and remove all hope, all chance of anything good that might otherwise come your way in life...grandchildren someday perhaps?  My son made me smile after George died because he told me he couldn't speak for his sister, but HE intended to have grandchildren for me someday...of course first he'd have to get a date.    Children can be a blessing.  (My son was 21 when my husband died, and in the Air Force.)  Today he has two children, one who is ten months and one who is 2 1/2 years old.  I only get to see them about once a month because I don't drive at night and they're 2 1/2 hours away in good weather, but they are a joy.

I don't know if you read the article I wrote, but I'll post it again here for you in case you didn't...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[athina.sal]

Dear KayC,thank you so much for your response.

Yes,i have read your tips and they seem very helpful.It's just that i can't find the courage to do anything for myself right now.I hate myself because i'm still alive and he  is not.I can't forgive myself for letting him go away that day.I blame myself for not going with him.I'm so glad for you that you have your grandchildren to give you joy.This thought can't give me a purpose to live,I'm afraid nothing can at the moment.

Maybe it is too early?I don't know,it's been two years and it still feels like it's yesterday.I isolate too much,i feel like being alone at home this is going to bring him closer to me,but it doesn't.My only wish is to die,God i hope i could die.

Thank you so much for being there for me..

[Kevinx]

Cuckoos,

That makes logical sense. To carry him on and keep him alive through your thoughts, memories, and love and not letting go. I can see that. But its a double edged sword, surviving to keep his love alive, but also the pain of not having him here. I am now having doubts of whether I can live without my husband.

This weekend, our little chihuahua/datson who beat cancer for four years, finally said he had to go. He was our baby, a member of our little family. The pain cuts so deep, I wouldn’t have the strength to go on without my husband. We are both greiving. The last year his health was gradually deteriorating and we kept going to the doctor to prolong his life. He died in my arms through Euthenasia. It was harder than when I lost my father, grandmother and grandfather, because we live in Missouri out of state and far from our family. But our dog named killer, like my husband are never apart. I correlate our dogs death to what will happen to my husband. When he says he can’t deal with the pain, and I will have to make the decision with him to take his life.

Our family is getting smaller after, and once my husband leaves, it will only be me and our other chihuahua. Already the loss of our dog has changed our household. It’s only been 3 days now and we are barely functional. And i can’t help but imagine what will happen next when my husband goes. How will i have the will to go on in pain. Why should I be in pain. I don’t believe in moving on and finding a new love. NOt for my dog nor my husband. My love is forever til the end. I am not putting my thoughts out clearly being in grief of our dog. I just know the next to go will be my husband. He is getting weaker and weaker as his pain keeps going up. 

[Diana Thomlinson]

I am 72 my husband died on 20 th November after 40 years together. We had few friends. My friends were twin women, one was closer to me than the other. The other now has made it impossible for me to meet up with her sister whom I was close with. So I have lost my husband and close  friend. Tonight has been too difficult. 

 

[athina.sal]

Dear Kevin X,i'm so sorry for your loss.A beloved pet is a member of the family,i know,I have a cat and i love her so much,she is always there for me when i cry and scream out the name of my husband.I can;t lose her.

You are in great pain i feel you,losing your love from an illness is worse than losing him from a sudden accident?I don't know.Both situations are un-human.The pain is un-human.Two years after and nothing is better from the first months.I wish i could be close to you at this difficult time,i feel you so much.

[athina.sal]

Dear Diana,i feel for you.I'm 54 and i lived with my husband since we were 18.All our life we've been together.There is no life without him.

[Cucciola]

Kevinx, I don't have answers, I have no idea how is possible that I live in a world he is not a part of anymore, it's unreal. Doesn't make any sense. 

I just know I am the only one that can keep him here with the huge love I feel for him. 

The pain is something I cannot describe in words.

I cannot imagine your situation and pain, as you cannot imagine mine, we all experience love loss and death so different. I just wish you could cherish and focus on the time you have now, it is priceless. I would give my life to have another moment together with my Carlo.

We are only 34, we were preparing to start a family, we were saying that this year we will start living, after a tough few years.. 

This should have been our time to shine. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, athina.sal said:

Dear KayC,thank you so much for your response.

Yes,i have read your tips and they seem very helpful.It's just that i can't find the courage to do anything for myself right now.I hate myself because i'm still alive and he  is not.I can't forgive myself for letting him go away that day.I blame myself for not going with him.I'm so glad for you that you have your grandchildren to give you joy.This thought can't give me a purpose to live,I'm afraid nothing can at the moment.

Maybe it is too early?I don't know,it's been two years and it still feels like it's yesterday.I isolate too much,i feel like being alone at home this is going to bring him closer to me,but it doesn't.My only wish is to die,God i hope i could die.

Thank you so much for being there for me..

A friend of mine commit suicide Monday morning.  His wife died three years ago (anv of death upcoming within 1 1/2 weeks) and four grandchildren have died since.  He couldn't handle the pain any longer.  It's left his son and other grandchildren in a lot of pain and I know that's not what he would have wanted...his son found his body and has that image deeply ingrained into his memory for the rest of his life.  His grandson (about ten) thinks it's his fault.]

I don't get to see my grandchildren very much.  Even so, I know they will grow up and live their own lives just as my kids did and that alone is not enough to build my life around.  So I have tried to build purpose and interaction into my life here where I am at.  

No, two years is not very long, not enough time to even fully process this and all it means to our lives, let alone figure out where to go from here.  OMG, it's taken me so long.  In the beginning I didn't have any idea how this journey would go, that it was an ever evolving journey that I'd be on the rest of my life.  The missing him part continues, it always will, I guess that's testimony to what a wonderful husband he was, a wonderful stepfather, a wonderful person.  

If you feel you isolate too much, try pushing past your comfort zone and go to a senior site or church group or arts and crafts guild or something, anything to get out and around people.  Maybe walk with a neighbor.  Find what feels right for you.  It's not about the thing you do, so much as entering the world of the living a bit.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, athina.sal said:

i feel you,losing your love from an illness is worse than losing him from a sudden accident?

I don't know that one is worse that another, but different.  With a long illness you have anticipatory grief, you are the caregiver, you feel that lack of purpose when that person is gone because you did so much for them when they were alive, yet even though you expected the death, you weren't prepared for it, how can you be?  You are hit with the finality when they're gone.

With sudden death, there is no preparation, the rug is pulled out from under you, like all the wind is knocked from you.  One morning you kiss them goodbye as they leave for work, only they never come home.  You go into shock.  Everything seems surreal.  There was no "last conversation", no planning, no preparedness.  Only harsh reality.