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I lost my husband and the will to live


tishagun

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From the bottom of my heart, thank you to the both of you. It means a lot to read from people who cares enough. And maybe that's something I could hold on to... taking one day at a time. Because when I think about the future and how I'm going to be spending the rest of my life alone, it's so overwhelming, I just can't take it. The future is a long time to go... but a day at a time, maybe I can take it.

At the end of this week, one month would have gone by since my husband died. I've gone back to stay with my parents as our home is no longer home. Just a house with plenty of memories that rips my heart apart every time. I can't even think about the good times we've shared together because it's soooooo painful. I can't think about my husband at all. The memories are very hard to bear. Thinking of the good times we've shared makes me realise that I will never be happy again and every day it's becoming clearer and clearer that my husband is NEVER coming back.

My life was so perfect with my husband. We had it all... our home, jobs we like and just the two of us doing the things we like together. We were so happy that I couldn't have wished for anything more. He was my soulmate. I remember when I was stressed out at work, I would think that it doesn't matter if I lose my job cause I had my husband, so I had it all. I was so happy and my life was so perfect. We didn't take much space in this world, we were like two kids in a small corner of the world. But death still managed to find us. The Gods took everything from me. I grew up putting all my faith in God. My dad used to say when things don't go well, say a little prayer and God will help me. Every time that I ever prayed in my life, I asked for only one thing- happiness and long life of my husband. Now it feels like I got a good kick in the face from God. All my prayers were for nothing... empty wishes, a waste of time. I am alone today and for the rest of my life. And I know for sure that when I die I won't be with my husband. I don't believe that my husband is with the angels or watching over me. I know for sure that when you die, there is NOTHING. When you die, you turn into energy and light, evaporates into thin air and then there's nothing. Makes you think how pointless everything is in life. You work so hard to achieve something.... but death will take it all in one go. So what's the point? Why is it that people who wish to die never can. And those who had wanted to live, die young? I wish I was never born.

It's become like a mantra to me now- every morning I wake up I think "Another day WITHOUT YOU". And when night comes I find relief in know that there's one day lesser in my life. Soon there will be no days left to count... but how soon? And what kind of life is it... living like a corpse. It's really not worth it. Love is such a curse, brings you fleeting moments of bliss then a lifetime of pain. Why, why, why did it have to be me!

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MissingDaniel

Tisha, I know what you are going through right now seems unbearable.  You mentioned it being a month since you lost him.  I remember that milestone, and remember feeling pretty hopeless at that moment.  I couldn't even think about him, talk about him, see anything that reminded me of him without crying.  But this Saturday will mark a year since I lost my husband, and I'm still here.  I talked to someone about him the other day and I smiled.  I honestly never thought I'd be able to do that.  Having said that, I know that nothing I say, or anyone says, right now is really going to make you feel better.  But if I can give you even a little bit of hope for the future, that's something. 

 

For now, like others have said, just hang in there from moment to moment, hour to hour.  Eventually you will find that another month has passed.  And another.  And eventually I would bet that you don't find yourself counting as much.  And another day, you'll surprise yourself when you laugh or you smile at something - and then will probably feel immediately guilty for doing it.  But he'd want you to find your way back to happiness.  I know that probably seems very far away.  Until then, sending you hugs and hope for comfort.  I know it's so hard right now!\

 

Andrea

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Tisha, I know exactly how you feel. I lost the love of my life suddenly 2 months ago. I can understand everything you are feeling!! We were so happy together. We did everything together because we really enjoyed just being with one another. We were like two kids who never grew up. But that didn't matter, we were happy. I also say why, why!! Why did this happen!!!. Just take one minute at a time. That's what I have to do sometimes. Just keep your chin up. Sending hugs to you!

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tish - sweetie.  I lost my husband, my soul mate, the love of my life too.  15 months ago.  I know how you feel, I really do.  My future disappeared right before my eyes.  My husband got very sick with a fungal pneumonia.  He was a transplant patient so having no immune system this pneumonia kicked his ass.  He was in the hospital for 4 months.  During his time in the hospital we had some really scary things happen.  One was that he started bleeding internally and they couldn't stop it.  All they could do was push blood in as fact as is was coming out.  I panicked and talked to a friend of mine and asked him if his Pastor could go pray for my husband.  Before the pastor went he called me on the phone.  He asked me if I was prepared to accept the answer God had.  He said that prayers don't always get answered the way that we want them to.  I told him "yes sir, I'm prepared for whatever God has planned for my husband".  The pastor and a group from his church went to the hospital and prayed over my husband.  And he recovered.  He died the second night he was in physical rehab getting ready to come home.  I know your angry at God sweetie and it is okay that you are right now.  But keep in mind that God isn't a magic genie in a bottle who gives us our wishes.  Having faith is believing that everything you give to God is going to be handled in His perfect plan.

 

Do I miss my husband...hell yeah I do.  Am I sad...yep.  Do I cry...all the time.  I did wish I was dead but I can hear my husband's voice in my head saying "don't be an ass".  That isn't what he wants.  So I'll go on, one day at a time.  Which is what we should do anyway.  You can't live in the past nor in the future, only today.  It does get easier sweetie, it just takes time.  You'll know your there when you can look at pictures or talk to someone about good times and feel a glow inside your heart.  I truly believe that they are with us, I've had so many signs from my husband and I truly believe there is an afterlife.  I know it isn't for everyone but it helps me to hang on.  You have a long road ahead of you sweetheart and it seems it is all uphill.  Just know there are a lot of really nice people here on this forum who are ready and willing to help you out.  Take care sweet girl...

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The first few days after I'd lost my husband, I truly thought that I was the only one in the world who was suffering so much. I was convinced that nobody else could possibly know the utter agony I was going through. I honestly never imagined that there would be others like me who could have loved their husband as deeply and powerfully as I love my precious husband. That's because I honestly believe there's no one in this world more perfect, more kind and more loving than my husband. He would go out of his way to help people, perfect strangers even, without expecting anything in return. And he moved heaven and earth to keep me happy all the time. And we were so close he and I that every breath we took was for the sake of the other.

 

Knowing that there are other people like me... that I'm not alone in my torment and that others have survived this unsurvival agony.... maybe there's some tiny speck of hope for me too. The members of this website have helped me in ways I would never be able to thank deeply enough... through their messages and support. There's been times in my life that I thought I was losing my mind, that I could take it no more. I would fall down on my knees and wept and wept and wept until I was sick. But now when I'm feeling depressed, I try to go over the messages you all have sent me and I feel a similarity of hope. Not hope itself because my husband was hope, the light in my life. But I am so grateful to you all for giving me the courage to take in another breath, to open my mouth and put some food in, to go one living, though there is no reason left to live anymore. THANK YOU for caring and for being there for me.

Tish

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"But I am so grateful to you all for giving me the courage to take in another breath, to open my mouth and put some food in, to go on living..." Tish...This is about all you can do right now and I am so glad that you've felt some sense of support from those who have already replied. At one month, I found that if I'd brushed my teeth that morning, then I'd accomplished a lot. All I did was cry. Everything reduced me to tears, or screaming. We had been married 48 years, four months and four days. We had been retired for almost four years and he had fought and won a battle with kidney cancer. We decided we were going to travel. We went on a car trip, 3,000 miles, visiting family and friends, finishing up with a glorious week on the beach. We came home and learned one week later that he had pancreatic cancer. He was gone in 8 months... I felt and still feel lost, so very alone, and have wondered why so many times. I do have children (3, 2 daughters and a son who died of brain cancer on '04) and 7 grandkids. And a letter from my husband telling me that just as my son told me before he died, "you can't die because I do, mom," my husband wanted to tell me that same thing. He wanted me to promise him I would live my life and that is what I try to do...stand where they no longer can, honor them by living my life...just as they asked. It is now almost 20 months...I still cry but I also have learned to laugh again...it took a long time. You said that your sweetie was a good man and would do anything for anyone, even strangers. Perhaps when you are feeling stronger (and you will...I promise) you can think about doing something along those lines in memory of your love...standing where he no longer can, doing what he did. He is with you...I hope you are able to know that eventually. I see signs from our son and my husband all the time...many of which have helped me to believe they are together. My hubby always told me that if he died first, he would "stop and wait for you, darlin', just beyond the moon." (An old country western song) I have to believe we will be together again...meantime I can only do what I can do, and some days, that is just breathing. My heart to you, Tish...

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For fleeting moments I once felt like I could just go on. But here I am again today down in the pit. I feel like I've lost my sanity. Before I could be "ok" if I tried to block my husband's thoughts from my head. Now it seems even this doesn't work. This morning I was so down, I bumped the car into a wall by accident. I was lost in thought about him and didn't even realise what was happening until I got out of the car and saw I'd crushed the damn car. Another day I nearly hit a bus that was starting to move from the bus lane. I think I've lost it. I've tried everything - I started pretending my husband wasn't really gone. When I'm at work, I pretend that after work my husband will be picking me up like he used to do. When I'm at home, I pretend my husband has gone out - to a football match or to the shop and that he would be back soon. And then even these pretences are not enough. So i've started talking to him out loud, pretending he is here (like an imaginary friend). And then I stopped cause that got too painful. The emptiness is here and I feel it all too well. Nothing works!  Tried to forget him/block him out of my head- doesn't work. Tried to pretend he was still alive and that he had just gone out for a little while- didn't work.  Tried to pretend that he was right next to me - doesn't work either. I'm going crazy. I really am. All the messages people have sent me - like take it one day at a time - worked for a day. But I can't take it anymore. Not even one hour at a time. Deep down it's hard to ignore that he's not coming back- not today, not tomorrow, not ever, ever again. I go to bed with the certainty that I would be waking up alive tomorrow. He's not coming back. So I take it one day at a time- but for how long can I fool myself this way? Nothing is working. I can't sleep. I've cried so much that even tears don't fall. But my heads hurts. This is all too hard. It's a month today since he's been gone. And time hasn't done anythign for me. How do all you people go on?  Am I so weak? What's wrong with me? I wish I could get some electric shock treatment that would erase my memory. Take me back to the time before I met my husband. I want to forget. I'm living the life of a corpse - alive and breathing but not living. Even death is not a comfort because it feels like I'm comdemned to live a long time before I finally die. I've been logging in on his Skype account and facebook account trying to find...something that would comfort me. Yet all our souvenirs are here. He hasn't left me any goodbye letters that would tell me what to do. We didn't get a chance to say one last goodbye or worst, a few words before he died. I've been readings things like How to forget someone, How to get over an obsession, how to shut your heart out. They all tell you the first rule is to really want it. And I do. I want to FORGET EVERYTHING. I WANT SOME BLOODY PEACE IN MY HEAD. AND I WANT THIS PAIN TO STOP. Tried everything, but nothing works. Nothing works at all. And yet I've read stories of ll the people who's lost dear ones on this website... and you all seem to be coping. How?  Why can't I be like you all?  Why do I have to suffer? 

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Tish you are not going crazy. I have all the same feelings that you have and its been 2 months since I lost the love of my life. All the emotions that you feel are normal and it truly does stink, I know. Just take it day by day. I know I cant look ahead at all right now. We just bought a house in December and I cant even stay there yet. I don't want to stay anywhere without him!! My heart goes out to you and remember, you are not weak for feeling like this. I feel the exact same way you do.  I truly understand. Cry when you need to , scream if you have to. Remember, one day at a time. I am here for you if you need to talk. Hugs to you!

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seven months went by with such agonising slowness. AT 32, every day I wonder how much longer I have to live. Why is life such a punishment? All I did was love. To love and to have lost and now to live with such pain till I too die one day. I think it's best not to have loved at all. Then I wouldn't hurt. Seven months and I still haven't found a reason to live. Then why am I still alive? When I look around me, everyone else I've known in my life is still alive. Except for my husband! I feel so angry. But at whom? You all said that with time things would be better. Huh, things are worse. I live in the past, with only memories to keep me company. And I think about the future and I see nothing. Why am I being punished for falling in love?

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Tish...reading your posts here was like you had read my mind. Everything you have said is the same for me. I lost Michael just over 7 months ago. 4 months before our wedding day. He was such an amazing man. Kind considerate giving. He loved me unconditionally despite all of my faults. He was taken in an instant so unexpectedly. I am so devastated....lost.....destroyed. My life is meaningless now. So many people want so much. All I ever wanted was one man, a true love. Finally there he was. Everything I had ever wished for.....hoped for....prayed for. We were so happy. Then he was ripped away. My life was shattered. I too am angry. I feel no one really understands. Their lives havent changed. They still have their loves...mine is gone. I see people in my life differently now. Many that I thought would always be there for me are not. I know I will live the rest of this pathetic life alone and it is so overwhelming. I wish pray and beg for death every day since Michael died. The only reason Im still here is a fear that there is God and He would punish me for eternity and would never allow me to be with my love my soulmate again. If there is any possibility that there is something after this life I cant screw up that chance that I may see him again so I wait. I too count days....one more day closer to death.....I just wish each day is the last. I have no words of wisdom for you. I cant help myself. I just wanted you to know that I hear you, I understand you and you are not alone. Thank you for listening.

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Dear Shattered 14, I sure hope you get my message. I just wanted to thank you so much for writing to me. Everybody else who's written to me have been so supportive. but if they can say to live one day at a time and that I will see that the pain would lessen with time- then they don't know me. Because if they can say that that means they are all very strong people because they are able to carry on. But I am weak. I was with my husband for 16 years and all these 16 years I've told him so many times that I can't live without him and meant it. And now that he is gone, my words were true. I can't live without him. I've conditioned myself to be like that for 16 years, I guess. I can't even focus on one hour at a time. I cry all the time and each minute that goes by feels like an eternity. Time has slowed down for me. I've tried to lessen the pain with alcohol, but as I am not a drinker I can't bear the taste of it at all. Makes me want to throw up. So I have to face this raw pain sober. I'm so scared of the days to come. Even being in this very, very dark place where I am, I still can't end my life cause I am scared of ending up alive but in a worst condition. I've searching a thousand websites by now looking for something that someone could say that would make me want to live again... at least a little while. The words you wrote... absolutely resonate with me. Everything you feel about your husband, I could say the same things about mine. And I know you understand. So, please tell me. How have you gone on facing all these days? What do you do to keep yourself breathing? Are you able to focus on anything? Cause I can't. On the outside if anyone look at me, I would appear "normal". But all this time inside my head, I am crying and all I am thinking is of him. But I've come to realise that the people around me don't understand and would only laugh if I voice out my pain. I told one of my colleagues one day that when I go to "sleep" I hold one of my husband's shirt. Even though his scent is long gone, I'm still trying to hold on to him by holding on to whatever he owned. And behind my back she went to tell other colleagues that I was losing my mind because of the way I was acting. That hurt so much. And from that day I learned to conceal my pain from others because they don;t understand. They haven't lost their very life itself like I lost mine. Now I literally feel like a walking corpse. I look around me and without my husband the world has lost all its beauty. I used to enjoy little things that the birds singing, s beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, the wind on my face, the scenery around me. Now when I open my eyes everything reminds me of my husband. Because really for these 16 years there was just me and him together in our little world. We never let other come into our world. I have no friends cause I was content just being with him. And we did everything together. We were even together when I would go shopping for my clothes (and I loved shopping for clothes). I know so many men find it boring. But not him cause he was just happy to be with me. I miss him and so many times I've wished for 5 last mins with him.... just to say everything I need to say to him. And hear him say everything he needs to say to me. And then maybe somewhere I would have found peace. But he died so abruptly we didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. We never saw death coming. He was in perfect health!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least relatives of people who've died from a long term disease have had time to prepare themselves emotionally, mentally... But we were so in love and so happy. And I honestly thought love could conquer it all, even death. I thought NOTHING COULD COME BETWEEN US, that in love as we were nothing could separate us. We swore to each other that we would be together forever. Oh, those words are so familiar. Said one too many times. But how naive we were. Please tell me, what do you do to go on. Please, I know that you are suffering the same intense agony as I am. And if you reply to me, I feel maybe you hold this magical solution that would help me cope... Please do reply. Tish

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Oh gosh Tish - you are not alone.  You sound exactly like me and my Jerry.  He was my only friend.  It was just he and I.  And we did everything together.  We were together for 34 years.  And I told him so many times that if something happened to him I wouldn't be able to go on.  He would always say "nothing is going to happen to me.  I'm going to live to be 99".  Well, that didn't happen!!  And I feel like I've been dealt the cruelest hand in the world.  I am scared shitless to be alone.  I don't have any kids of my own, I do have one stepson who I am very close to but he lives far far away with his family.

 

I prayed every single day that I would die too because I just can't do this.  I have stopped going to the doctor because if I were to get cancer or something I wouldn't fight it, I'd let it take me.  I can't wait until it is my time to go.  I know my husband will be waiting for me at the gate because I always told him that "if you go first wait for me at the gate".

 

How do I go on?  Sometimes I don't.  But for the most part I'm feeling better.  It took a medium and me studying everything about life after death that I could get my hands on to bring me out of my funk.  I am convinced now that there is more to life than here in the physical world.  I also believe that my husband can see me and if I'm acting all sad and upset and crying it sure doesn't make him happy.  I try my hardest to just go about my daily routine as if he were still here.  Going to work, coming home, watching tv, playing with my dogs, none of that changed, I still have to do that and if I just keep that thought that he is with me it makes it somehow easier.

 

I have almost two years under my belt and it has taken every single second of every single day to get to where I am today.  You only have seven months?  You need to cut yourself some slack.  I think the first 4 months are just pure numbness, disbelief, denial.  Now the reality of it all is hitting you and what your going through is totally normal.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't either.  Each one of us does "grief" in our own way, at our own pace for as long as we have to.

 

I wish you just a tiny bit of happiness, a tiny bit of peace.  I'm so sorry your dealing with this, it is exactly what my life is like now...

 

Judy

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Hey Jude,

 

I read your posts so very often.  You have such insight and your words have provided comfort to me.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  You help more than you know.

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Thank you Shattered.  It makes me happy to know that I can help someone if even a tiny bit.

 

I really think my advancement has come as a result of reading everything I can find about life after death and applying it to my Christian beliefs because it really does intertwine.  Some people would say that I'm going to hell for even believing in spirits, let alone talking with a Medium.  But I don't see how anything that can give people so much comfort and promote love could be evil...it doesn't make any sense.  Now some of the stuff is a little "out there" if you know what I mean.  Sylvia Brown, the psychic medium...she is a little bit over my head.  I mean, I would never think that there would be a "scanning machine" up in heaven that shows us our life while on earth.  But that is also just her interpretation and the only way she could describe it.  But her books did make me laugh a little and shake my head...lol!!  One thing I have noticed about the authors of the books I've read is that they are all very intelligent people.  Way smarter than me and they are not crazy.

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So much of what you say is exactly how i feel reading your post and many others makes me cry because i know the pain you feel and ive realized nothing anyone says will take the pain away or bring the person we loved so much back i don't believe in the saying time heals all broken wounds because to me each day that passes by i hurt more and more i count my days to i say almost everyday please take me away but as hard as it is we all need to try our best to be strong and surround yourself with the people who love u especially when your at your weakest point and know that even tho you can not see your husband he is still with you everyday

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Myangelnm143....i am sorry for your loss. It is so hard each day. Those around me dont really understand. They think they do but they dont. When they are done talking to me, they get to go back to their lives. Nothing has changed for them. They still have their husbands....their loves. When I am with them, I find myself very overwhelmed.....so lost. All the couples and then there is me. It is so uncomfortable and it hurts. I try to believe that he is still with me somehow but it is still so very empty.

hey Jude......i too have been searching the internet......reading books......watching shows to try to find something that would provide some hope. I have even gone to 2 mediums. I cant tell my family and friends in my life. Some would say I was a fool and losing my mind. Others believe it is evil. I found that it helped me in a small way. It has made me start to believe there is something more and the possibility of a remaining connection. Maybe that does make me a fool....I dont know. I dont believe it is evil. Both that I went to explained it was all based on and made possible through God. Nothing said was evil in any way. I need to believe there is more than just this life in order to maintain any level of sanity. If you have read any good books on the issue, seen any shows or anything, I would really appreciate it if you would share the names so I could try to find them.

thank you for listening and sharing.

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Shattered14 i know exactly how you feel thats why i don't talk about it with anyone i know because noone really knows what to say especially when they haven't gone threw losing the love of there life ive been told u know eventually you have to move on or you know someday those pictures need to come down if you meet someone else i couldn't believe it made me even more upset because i almost feel like my feelings are being dismissed and i said im sorry my pictures will never come down and im not even thinking of being with anyone else i feel like im going crazy i google these crazy things like where do you go when you die is there really a heaven im driving myself crazy wondering where he is or if he is ok is this normal i just don't know u mentioned you went and saw a medium how was your experience i have been looking into going to one to find some sort of peace i watch the long island medium all the time im very much into that stuff and i know what you mean when people say its wrong or evil your not supposed to do that i truly believe that mediums are angels on earth who bring people peace from a passed loved one and if it made you feel better going to one that is all that matters it does not matter what anyone else thinks or says

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Myangelnm143.....I too have googled everything you can think of trying to figure out where we go, what happens.  As if anyone else really knows.  The problem is that no one really knows.  We all have our basis of beliefs.  It comes down to faith.  Mine has been shaken if not completely destroyed by the loss of Michael,  I am very angry at God.  Now some people would hear that and tell me what a terrible person I am to feel that way but I do.  There is no point in lying about that.  If God really exists then He already knows my thoughts without me having to say so.  thereby no point in lying.  I did talk to my Pastor about it, and he tried to help. He was one of those that says God loves us all and that He did what was best for everyone.  He also told me to try to think of this life as a small point in time in comparison to eternity and that I will spend eternity with Michael.

 

I have been through many difficult things in my life as had Michael.  We finally found each other and were so very happy.  I know he was my soul mate.  Of that I am sure.  I knew right away that he was special, and our connection was so strong, so complete, so unconditional.  We had so many plans.  We were going to grow old together.  God chose to take it all away in an instant.  I don't understand why.  I have those who tell me that God was merciful and did what was best.  When I am being rational, I guess I can see that it was best for Michael if he wasn't going to get well but the question remains as to why he didn't just heal him.  As for this being best for me, that is completely untrue.  I see no good in this.  I now have lost the person who means the most to me.  My love.  What now?  What am I supposed to do now?  My life is destroyed.  There is no future..no hope.  Unless you have experienced such a loss, a person cannot understand how destructive it is....how painful it is.   I too have been told I need to keep moving forward.  My question is to do what?  For what purpose?  I don't have one.   We just wanted to be together enjoying simple things.  God decided we couldn't have that.   I can't figure out why.  I too am told that I will find another love and move on.  My heart doesn't work that way.  I guess none of us ever really know what the future holds but for me I have already had the best for me....my Michael....so what is the point?  I am completely in love with Michael.  Death did not change that.  So I find my life to be meaningless now.  Just wasting time until it is over.  It feels like a punishment to me only I don't know what I did to deserve such punishment.  I am a sinner just like every other human being.  But I have never set out to intentionally hurt anyone.  I just don't get it.  Why?

 

As for the mediums, for me they have been somewhat helpful.   I can't tell the people in my life that I have gone because they would be so angry with me and perhaps would not forgive me.  In their minds, it is evil and against God's word.  I don't really agree.  I believe some people have a gift and that gift helps bring comfort to many.  I know there are scams out there but there are some that I feel truly have an ability that we don't have.   The ones that I went to told me things about Michael and my parents who are all deceased that they could not possibly have known.  The mediums were strangers to me.  Knew nothing about my life.  Yet told me specific things that just shocked me that they knew.  Not general things but very specific completely random things.  How could they know?  Since then I have been trying to be more aware of possible signs and have been quite surprised at some that I now have seen.  It is helping me to believe that there is more to us than just this life...that we go on and that our loved ones are still with us in some way that we don't completely understand.  I need to believe that I will be reunited with Michael some day.  If I don't...if I allow myself to believe that he is just gone and that's it, I truly believe I will lose my sanity. 

 

Despite holding on to that belief, I am so very sad, lonely, overwhelmed and lost.  The thought of never seeing his face, kissing him, holding him, hearing his voice, holding his hand and so much more is devastating.  I go to work, to grief counseling and to the cemetery.  That is now my life.  Other than that, just getting through the day each day is so hard.  I do keep coming back to this site because there are people here who get it....who know...who understand...who let me vent....they offer some words of understanding that sometimes are truly a lifeline for me.  I am so very sorry for each person who is on this site because I know how deep their pain is as it is like mine.  I am here too to listen and share my experience with the hope that it helps in some small way to let you know that you are not alone.

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Here are some excellent books to read regarding life after death and Heaven -

 

 "Heaven is Real" and "90 Minutes In Heaven" both by Don Piper (I'm not sure which one is first...check the dates.)

"Hello From Heaven!" by Bill Guggenheim

"There's More To Life Than This" by Teresa Caputo

"Flight to Heaven" by Dale Black

"My Journey To Heaven" by Marvin Besterman

 

I have read about near death experiences, ghosts and spirits, everything I could get my hands on.  The ones having to do with Heaven are especially good though.  John Edward, Sylvia Brown, James Van Praagh, Alison Dubios and Teresa Caputo are all psychic mediums.  Make sure when you do go to see a medium that they are a "Psychic Medium".  It was explained to me that a surgeon can't be a surgeon unless he was a doctor first, the same with mediums.  They have to be psychic as well.  I have read 35 books on the subject so far.

 

It is my understanding that it is very hard for our loved ones in heaven to lower their frequency in order to contact us.  A medium raises their frequency and the soul of our loved one has to lower theirs to communicate.  It takes a lot of energy for both sides.  There has been a lot of studies done in quantum physics lately regarding this energy and it is fascinating. 

 

Sylvia Brown, of course has departed, but she is a little "out there" if you know what I mean.  Not so much in her content as in how she expresses herself.

 

I guess what I want to say is I have done a lot of study.  And I have decided that this is what I want to believe.  It has helped me.  I truly believe it is true with all my heart.  I'm going on 58, I could care less if I meet another man.  Jokingly I say I did my time.  Of course people say to me "oh you'll meet someone, don't worry".  Heck, I'm not worried.  As far as I'm concerned I am still my husband's wife.  I know I will see him again, in fact I know that we have known each other since the beginning of time.  We have done this more than once.  When my grandpa died my grandma never hooked up with anybody again.  You just have to decide what you want to believe and make it your truth, ya know?

 

Our beloveds are there...right on the other side of the veil, I know they are.  They watch over us.  I know that my husband can do a much better job watching over me from where he is now than if he were still here with me.  He was so sickly, there wasn't much he could have done to protect me.  I always told him that if he dies first to wait for me at the gate.  I know when I cross over that bridge he is going to be the first face I see...standing there waiting for me.  What a wonderful day that is going to be!!  To us it seems like an eternity until that day but to them it is just a few minutes.  At this stage of my life 90% of my family is on the other side.  I know they are having a great time!!  A really great time!!  AND....everybody is perfect, healthy and beautiful!!  And our pets are there too!!

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Shattered14 i feel the exact same way its unbelievable everything you write on how you feel is exactly what i feel every single day and what kinda helps is i actually write to my nick in a journal every single day i know that may sound kinda crazy but it helps me feel ok to let all my emotions out i almost feel like im talking to him.have you ever thought about starting a journal to him or do u already have one? If not it might help you and the books hey jen suggested are great ones i have the theresa caputo one and its a great book i plan on going back to the book store and buying more thank you for that list ! I just started talking with a mentor / therapist im hoping it helps me with day to day life i do look forward to coming onto this site and talking with you all it helps so thank u and what also may help because it helps me talk about michael tell his stories of all your wonderful memories with him even if u tell them over and over who cares if you ever want to talk about your memories im here to listen

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Hey jude thank you for the information on mediums and psychic mediums and those other books i can't wait to go back to the book store now and im very sorry for your loss as well its never easy im just glad i know have people i can relate to and talk to and listen and try and help as well

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Hey Jude - thank you so much for these book titles.  I will look for them.  I'm trying to find something that will give me some sort of answer.  Help me to believe in something.  I need to know as much as I can so thank you for sharing.

 

MyAngelnm143 - I am going to start a journal.  Last week in grief counseling, my counselor actually gave me a journal and suggested I start writing.  So I am going to give it a try.  I do talk out loud to Michael.  I don't know if he hears me but I talk anyway.  Of course, I don't get too far before falling apart and crying to the point where he probably can't understand a word I'm saying even if he can hear me.  Then I wonder if I'm just crazy and talking to myself.  I do talk about him but only to those that I feel understand.  Some people don't want to talk to me about him.  I'm not sure why.  Either its because they know I will cry and they can't handle that.  Or, they can't handle what has happened at all so they try to pretend it didn't.  I don't know and I don't care to try to figure them out.  I'm living in a hell on earth right now where just getting through the moment is all I can manage.  I do like talking to you and others on this site because I feel you understand me more than some people in my life.  I'm going to go to the book store tomorrow and see if I can find some of the books suggested.  I will tell you that both of the mediums I went to not only told me things that they couldn't possibly have known but also told me some similar things to each other.  The mediums don't know each other.  I purposely went to two that are far apart in different states.  Both told me that Michael was still with me and watching over me and so many other things particular to him and our life together.  It is so very hard for me to understand that I can't see him, hear him, feel him and yet I so desperately want to believe he is here somehow.  It is all so very confusing and I'm just miserable.  But I need to keep trying to understand...try to become more receptive to what may be signs.  I need to because other than memories there is nothing else to hold on to.

 

If you get to read some of the books, maybe we can compare our thoughts on them.  Thanks.

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Shattered14 im glad you are going to start a journal i hope it helps and i like talking to you as well ill always be here to listen because i know the pain you feel i just woke up crying because i had a dream of my love and now i can't sleep and decided to come on here i know what you mean i always talk out loud and break down sometimes i go out and drive and literary scream on the top of my lungs because i feel so lost and alone and i want to so badly believe that they can hear us to. what books did you end up getting? I definitely gotta get back to the bookstore and yes i would love to share thoughts on the books we read!

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Myangelnm143 - I went and bought all of the books.  I know that sounds a little crazy but I need to find something that helps so much so I figured I would get them all.  I have started 90 minutes in Heaven.  I will let you know when I get to the end.  How about you?   I had a dream about Michael recently also.  It was so very real.  We were in the car, and he was holding my hand.  He always did that, and it is one of the things I miss so very much.  I miss everything about him.  I remember saying to him in the dream to "please don't make me wake up and realize this isn't true".  Just at that moment I woke up.  Of course, it wasn't true and I started another day in a very dark place.  I'm hoping these books offer some insight...some hope.  We'll see.  Please let me know if you get a chance to read any.

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OMG I totally understand everything your feeling I loss my husband 9/25/14 he was in the hospital and pass the next day I got their from cardiacgentic shock I was right by his side though it all while holding his hand. I cried so hard it felt like my life has ended we were like love birds we did everything together we have been married for 14yers. He was only 47yers I'm 43 but the only thing that has stopped me from takin my life is our 3yer old son he looks just like his dad so I decided to live on and just start my life over and raise my son. And I know if I could talk to him for 5mins I know that is what he would want me to do. So sweetie ur not alone.

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Frenchie's Doris

Hi Tish... First, I am so sorry for your loss... and yes we are all on the same journey in some way; some have been enduring this longer than other, and have more insight to give us.

 

I've been away from this forum for a few months ... thought I could do things on my own... but it seems I get drawn back to this place where I know others are going through or have gone through what I have gone through.   Tish I feel your pain.... you lost your beloved around the same time as I lost my other half.  So we are both on this horrible journey at the same time.   My partner passed 9 months ago,  Sudden - like you - and no time to say goodbye. 

 

I have tried this "one day at a time" thing..... it just makes another day pass,.... and another day....and nothing changes. Each day is just one day further from the time we were together, and another day further from the future that we had and which is now lost forever.  One thing that helped me was writing a journal - for the first few months.... to write down my pain... write poetry... write down my anger, upset, frustration... things I needed to get out but couldn't share the horrors of my mind with my family.    That helped a bit.  I didn't do it every day... just when I felt the need.  When I didn't want to talk to anyone. Talking meant saying things outloud, which made it more real and then my voice would break.  somehow it seems writing things down doesn't make it feel so real.  I haven't yet found the strength to read it all... from the time it all happened.  My memories of that time are now more hazy and I know if I read my journal it will be pure raw pain and I can't face that... but maybe some time down the line, I can revisit my journal ... but not yet.

 

I feel that after about 6 months people thing you should "get over it" and "move on", so I don't talk about it to anyone.    I have a job which shuts my brain off from thinking about it all, but as soon as I get home, everything comes out and I can't sleep til 3am and then have to be up at 6am so I am exhausted but don't care about how I look, my job, my flat....  The only thing I care about is my monthly visits up to Scotland to visit my bonny lad where he rests.  It is the only time I feel alive and excited. Otherwise I'm a shadow. A nothing.  I AM nothing without him and I can't cope with it.   So... Tish... you are NOT alone. I have definitely no words of wisom, but Shattered and Hey Jude seem to have pearls of wisdom to share that they have learned on their harrowing journeys ... and I do feel the warmth of their words.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

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Dear Rex

If you could come back to life for 5 mins, i would tell you thank you asshole for taking my youth and everything I could give you. you promised me forever. hmm. now i know forever doesn't last long. why did you take my hand only to leave me barely half way? you couldn't have hurt me more had you stabbed me with a knife or ripped my heart out from my chest with your bare hands. And yes, thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson in life.. that love only brings complete destruction. you took everything away from me, and left me to live this rotten life. and yet i'd give ANYTHING just to turn back time and live it all again WITH YOU. Guess you'll never know how much i love you, how badly i need you and what i wouldn't do just to be with you forever, no matter how short forever is.  Please come back to me. Or take me along with you. I beg you on my knees. I miss you. Your Tish xx

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Oh Tish, I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could take away your pain somehow. You must know that your husband wouldn't have left if he'd had a choice. I lost my husband a few months after you did. I've never felt pain like it. I'm not sure if it's the age we're at that makes us feel even more cheated, but I feel like my husband didn't complete our promise to grow old together. Do you have children? I don't and I feel like my pain has been completely dismissed because I don't have. I'm sure you understand the feelings of abandonment and feeling impossibly alone. It's difficult to take in that the one person in the world who we can fully rely on and trust isn't here to help us when we really need it the most.

I understand the occasional frustration and anger at your husband. I do the same but deep down I know he would still be by my side of he'd had a choice. We had plans for the future that he was excited about. But it still crosses my mind as to why on earth he would do this to me. Just leave me like this with not only the grieving, but all the other stressful stuff that has come with it. I have very little support and I feel so so lonely and sometimes I just think it's all his fault. Where is he now? Why isn't he trying to do something to make this easier for me?

I've already had the line about being young enough to find someone else. Really?? Why do so few people understand or even attempt to? Why is it acceptable to the rest of the work that we are alone? Why does the world move on so quickly when our worlds have stopped completely?

What gets me through each day is the hope that just maybe tomorrow will be my day to go. I keep telling myself that I just need to get through one more day then it will be the end. Even if it's not, it's one day closer.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Nobody should have to ever feel this level of pain.

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Where should I begin? I don't even know where I am right now...  been in this very, very, very dark, stale and so terribly lonely place for 11 months now. In a few days, we should have been celebrating his birthday. But instead in a couple of months it would be his one year death anniversary. You only feel a woman, complete and blossomed, because of your husband... the man by your side who makes you feel special and beautiful just by the look in his eyes. But I no longer have him. We fought the world to be together. What for? I've never felt so alone in all my life. My husband is my first love. Everything I know about life is through him. Honestly, he was so wise. I learned everything from him. And I believe that you only fall in love once. You only live once, you only marry once and there can never be another Him. I'm 33 this year. Was 32 when I lost him after 16 short years together. Because of our busy work schedules, we talked about having kids. Only talked about it. Busy with work - what a pathetic excuse!!!! I should have started a family sooner... but then I was not ready. Truth is I honestly believed that, strong as our love is, he would be by my side until he turned at least 100 years. He died so unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. Even when he was in hospital, I never thought I would lose him. I was that confident in our love. Little did I know that love is just a word. It doesn't make miracle. Love doesn't save lives, no matter how powerful you love someone. I blame him for his death. I blame him that he didn't bother doing medical check ups, instead preferred to save the money he would have spent on doctors' fees. And i never asked him either cause he was so healthy. I blame him for working so hard which I believe is what killed him. He was born dirt poor. He worked very, very hard every single day of his life to get out of poverty. And even when we got a bit of money, he just couldn't stop himself from working hard all the time. I believe that's what killed him.

 

What I am right now ( a shattered and lonely woman), what I am feeling (never ending agony)... this is me for the rest of my life. What kind of a life is that? I know my life is in my hand. In one minute I could make all this end (no, I'm too much of a coward to take my own life)... but I could marry some guy and live a pretend life... but it would be just that.. a pretend life. And I never ever could be with another man, ever. So this is me now. His family (I don't keep in touch with them but I saw their facebook pictures that they are all having happy times. They've all moved on. They are enjoying their lives. These same people who "cried" at his funeral. Now they are as happy as can be. And when I look around me, I see proud fathers holding their newborns in their arms to go shopping, or a friend saying she'll have to find some recipe because her husband asked her to prepare a dish for him, or my cousin's invitation to her wedding, or another friend asking what gift she should buy her husband... all these simple joys in life that I took for granted will never be mine. I'll grow old alone and lonely... I know I will become a bitter old woman because of this blow life has dealt me. He was my raison d'etre. Now I live but without living. I want to feel special again. I want to lay my head on his shoulder and feel his arms around me so I could bury my face in his chest and let these never ending tears flow. I want to feel like a woman again, to know the joy of being a mother. I WANT ONLY HIM. I don't know what to do. Don't know how I'm going to face the rest of my life all by myself. I watch movies to keep my mind busy so I don't conpletely lose my head. I can only watch horror movies. It's the only thing that won't remind me of him. But there aren't enough horror movies in this world to occupy the rest of my life. What should I do? I've thought of taking a break.... going somewhere. But everything feels so pointless. EVERYTHING IS SO POINTLESS. The world around me has moved on. I think my husband exists only in my mind. His family have all moved on. They are organising parties and enjoying their life. Those traitors. Why is no one sad that my husband is no longer in this world. Why did it have to happen to me? My right to be happy was snatched away from me. It's going to be a year soon and .... yeah, this is me for the rest of my life. Thanks Rex, you couldn't have hurt me more, had you tried harder.


 

 

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Tish - you are in the exact same place that I'm in.  Sucks don't it?  I have no answers other than just try to ride it out.

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Again Tish, I fully relate to what you're saying. I too wasn't ready for children even though we'd been together so long, but in the few weeks before his death, I finally felt ready and he was ecstatic. I feel that not only have I lost my husband but I've lost the chance of every having a family. I've lost my in-laws and I've lost a lot of "friends".

I've never felt so alone and abandoned in my life and I feel really angry at my husband for leaving me like this and putting me through this. But the anger is only hurting me. It's difficult to overcome and view things from a rational perspective because it hurts immensely and doesn't make any sense.

I see the same things on Facebook, everyone enjoying themselves. It hurts. Are these people lying when they say they miss him too? How can they move on so quickly? Because they are on a different spiritual level to us. Your frustration makes me think that you are caring and considerate of other people's feelings, and you can't understand why all these other people's lives aren't stopping too. So, why can't these people be considerate to the amount of pain you are in? Sadly, people often don't take notice of what is happening round them if it doesn't affect them directly. You're in the middle of this. Everyone else, even his relatives, have a life outside.

Your love with him is strong. You're showing us all here by what you write. He might not be here physically anymore, but he wouldn't have left you completely alone. You might not be getting the support you need or want from those who you did expect to be there for you, but he will put strangers in your path who WILL help you.

I'm not religious at all, but I do believe there is more out there. Often I look at the stars to remind myself that we can't see everything. There is far more beyond the stars that we can see in the sky and it goes further than we can imagine, and so do our souls. Your husband has another purpose to fulfil and once you are finished your purpose here, you'll move on too and join him. But only when it is time.

Do you have support from your family? When I say support, I mean unconditional support? Are you receiving counselling and help with day to day things? Are you getting out and managing to "live"?

I know what you're going through. Mine is a different man, but the same intensity of pain. A pain I never imagined could ever exist. I can't imagine ever feeling "normal" again. You're not alone, so don't think that you are.

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Thank you for these precious words Plimsole. I feel so bad that everyone here has always tried to console me and yet everything I ever have to say is always so depressing. Kind of hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where I stand. I live in Mauritius -over here we don't have grief support groups. That's why I've made this website my home. Everyone here is so strong, people I look up to. But me I just break down and cry all the time. I gave up all hope the day my husband left me. And no, I'll never let myself hold on to any hope again cause it hurts so bad when you fall from your clouds. I'd rather remain at the bottom of this dark pit and know that I couldn't fall lower. You know, the day we got married my husband promised me he would always be by my side. I remember his words only too clearly. He promised he would never leave me. All these empty promises you make to the other one only to give them false hope. HE PROMISED NEVER TO LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I get through the days by not thinking about life, especially not my husband. But ironically, the more I try to forget him, the more I see things that remind me of him. It was his birthday 2 days ago. I remember exactly what we did last year for his birthday. The gift I gave him, the dress I wore. The decorations I had put around the house. The way he smiled when he opened his gift - like a child. He always looks like a child ... so vulnerable and innocent. And I always thought I must protect him. I remember everything. Only got memories now... Oh how I wish I was never born.

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Tish - of course you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel!!  You aren't even one year into this crap.  You have a ways to go baby...in ways it is going to get worse before it gets better.

 

I'm reading a book right now that was written by a young lady in a Facebook forum that I'm in.  It is a closed support group just for women, if your interested PM me.  Anyway, this morning I read this:  "I feel like we are two people merged into one.  Like our paths joined when he died and I get to continue on the new path (ours).  Everything he was in now on me.  It's like a brain hug because I get to have all this, all of him, to cherish." 

 

This paragraph hit me so profoundly that I did something I haven't done in quite a while.  I wailed like a brand new widow.  I cried so damn hard.  But then the reality of the words she wrote sunk in.  I was married for over 32 years.  For the longest time I was really getting this feeling that my husband's soul was in me.  IT IS!!!!!!  We truly had become one and now it is my responsibility to live for the both of us.  To let the best parts of his and my beings shine for all the world to see.

 

I didn't have any biological children either.  I have a stepson who I've claimed as mine.  Had him since he was three.  They two of them were a packaged deal.  And now that little 3 yr old is 38 and thousands of miles away from me.  So I'm all alone.  I get mad at my hubby for leaving me too but Tish.,..they didn't choose this.  I know that without a doubt, if my husband were given the option of coming back or staying "over there" he would come back to me.  I believe that with all my heart.  But unfortunately, once our soul leaves our physical body then things of a physical nature just don't entice us anymore.  You really do need to read up on what happens after we die.  Don't blame your husband, it wasn't his fault.  It is just the way life is.  And to think that we actually choose to come down here!!!

 

Chin up lady...if I can do this so can you!!!

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Don't feel bad about coming here to release your thoughts and feelings. That's what this site is for and we all get it. It's times like this, you soon get to know who is there for you, and sadly some people in the real world just won't live up to what you need. Some people can try to place themselves in our position and offer compassion. Others can't and won't even try. They simply won't get it until they experience it for themselves.

Those memories you talk of are yours and yours forever Tish. Nobody can take those away from you. There's only one other person who shares that with you and that's your husband - what a bond! These are the things that help you in meeting again (that's what I believe).

I understand what HeyJude is saying too. Once we leave our physical earthly bodies, we have no desire for physical things. We lose any negative emotions we have and are in a place engulfed with love and peace but I believe we can only go there when it's our time. I fear that if I try to go before my time, I may somehow mess something up and risk not ever seeing my husband again, so I'm trying to be patient, but by goodness, it's hard.

Do you have any beliefs of your own? I'm very concerned about your emotional state because you're 10 months on and I see a lot of loneliness, anger, frustration and pain in you. Although there aren't any support groups in Mauritius, is there anyone you can talk to? I mean face to face? Or someone who can just sit with you and say nothing? A friend or counsellor?

What do you feel you need in the way of support?

It crosses my mind too that it would be too difficult to get close to people in case they leave too. Try to be your own best friend. Learn to really love yourself. Stop for a second and look inside. Watch your breath and place your attention on different areas of your body and really feel what those areas are feeling. Are your fingers tingling? Does your back ache? Do you have any pains, itchiness? If so, what happens to it if you don't move or scratch it? While you're doing this, you're in the now - in this moment. You're not looking to the future or to the past and for the few moments that you're directing your attention to theses things, you're not thinking about the emotional pain you're in. For a moment, your mind has had the chance to "switch off". You desperately need some time off from the pain you're in.

Take what you want from anything anyone writes. You might think what I write is a load of old rubbish, but if there's even just one little sentence that helps you, then it's worth it.

I do understand the pain you're in. I just don't have the courage that you have to write it down, because it makes it even more real and I'm in a lot of denial.

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It's been 17 months 1 week and 1 day since my beloved husband passed. I've had grief counselling, anti depressants, I've read dozens of books, having yet another therapy. I have kind loving friends, children, grandchildren, a nice home, enough to get by, a nice job. All of this makes no difference whatsoever to my constant wish which is to die to be with my love, and to leave this suffering and loneliness. I've been told to cherish my memories and although I try, that doesn't shift this longing.

This was never me - I cherished our love and our life together, and like many of you have said, there will only be my husband for me. I couldn't even think about being with anyone else. He was and will always be my heart, my soulmate.

He is always close - even now as I'm writing this. He promised he would stay with me and he does. But I'm so lonely without him and there isn't anything or anyone, other than him, who can stop this.

I've lived in the moment since he passed - only as a way to get through. I'm so tired of this now - everything has been pointless and heartbreaking since the moment he passed. I promised him I wouldn't take my own life, but I don't think I can keep resisting this for much longer - It's taking every ounce of the little energy I have. I truly wish to die and I pray for that every waking minute. I don't care how it happens or if there's physical pain - because nothing could be worse than this and at least then, I'd be with him.

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Maria23allan

I recently lost my husband. He was murdered a month ago. I'm really lost. I miss him everyday. I dont want to live without him. He was my rock. He was the reason I want to live.

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Jeff In Denver

Tish, your post really hit me.  I am so sorry.  Please note that time is not always a healer in this awful situation. You have to get help, work at it, etc.  It doesn't help you, but most of us are in a similar situation as you are.

Please check this out.

 

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On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2014 at 10:19 AM, tishagun said:

Lost my husband and I'm only 32. Got all my life in front of me and all I want to do is kill myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is worth it without him. Been trying to desperately find some miracle cure by talking to people. People talk to me.. say things to me. But they are just words that give you false hope for a second or two and then leaves you down in the bottomless darkness again. I'm going crazy. Been trying to stay mad at anything and everything because anger numbs the pain. But the pain just haunts me. What I need is 5 more minutes with my husband to make peace. Just 5 minutes to say all that's in my heart and to hear him tell me what to do. That he loves me, the he will wait for me somehow... tell me, how do you go on breathing when the life has gone out of me? Do you honestly think it's worth living a life without the one person that gave meaning to life?

I've been going on a million websites trying to find some kind of solution. All people ever say... time will heal things. But what about now? Some days I'm so deparate I could just kill myself. I think of death all the time. I've never stopped counting the days till I die- ever since that fatal day. And I don't believe in God - never will. The day my husband was in hospital, I knelt down and prayed and begged and begged and begged for his life. But prayers are ****. I can see that now. I am all alone and I'm too scared to kill myself. But one thing I know, I want to stop breathing NOW. My husnand was my life. He was my essence, my raison d'etre, my EVERYTHING. I WANT HIM BACK

 

I WISH SOMENODY COULD HELP ME. PLEASE

Tish

Tish, this is me writing!  My husband died 2 years ago from kidney cancer, and all that you're saying.....I felt 100% the same, on every account.  For me, it didn't get easier, it became bearable.  But you know what I do when I still feel this way....I talk to him and ask him to help me.  I beg him for a sign and he has given them to me just like I know your husband will.  It's a horrible hand we have to deal with, but truly know that you're not going crazy, but grieving.  It's a lengthy and horrible process, but somehow ALL of us here will get adjusted to our new life.  Like I tell my friends all the time, I hope you all are still around when I say...remember how I thought I'd never be happy again".  So many people have lost their best friend, confidant, lover, partner in crime, comedian, soul mate, and yet they somehow manage to live again.  Let's both of us give it a try.

Peace to you Trish.

Marty

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For now, like others have said, just hang in there from moment to moment, hour to hour.  Eventually you will find that another month has passed.  And another.  And eventually I would bet that you don't find yourself counting as much. 

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On Saturday, April 05, 2014 at 5:19 PM, tishagun said:

Lost my husband and I'm only 32. Got all my life in front of me and all I want to do is kill myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is worth it without him. Been trying to desperately find some miracle cure by talking to people. People talk to me.. say things to me. But they are just words that give you false hope for a second or two and then leaves you down in the bottomless darkness again. I'm going crazy. Been trying to stay mad at anything and everything because anger numbs the pain. But the pain just haunts me. What I need is 5 more minutes with my husband to make peace. Just 5 minutes to say all that's in my heart and to hear him tell me what to do. That he loves me, the he will wait for me somehow... tell me, how do you go on breathing when the life has gone out of me? Do you honestly think it's worth living a life without the one person that gave meaning to life?

I've been going on a million websites trying to find some kind of solution. All people ever say... time will heal things. But what about now? Some days I'm so deparate I could just kill myself. I think of death all the time. I've never stopped counting the days till I die- ever since that fatal day. And I don't believe in God - never will. The day my husband was in hospital, I knelt down and prayed and begged and begged and begged for his life. But prayers are ****. I can see that now. I am all alone and I'm too scared to kill myself. But one thing I know, I want to stop breathing NOW. My husnand was my life. He was my essence, my raison d'etre, my EVERYTHING. I WANT HIM BACK

 

I WISH SOMENODY COULD HELP ME. PLEASE

Tish

No one can help... I have four children and so have to function everyday. 

My husband was my world and my best friend.

I am hoping everyday that Ian my husband will give me the strength to get through the day.

There's basically at this point in our lives no where to go or be ...but live in a separate world of functionality. ..

Sorry for anyone else suffering this constant pain...

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On Tuesday, March 07, 2017 at 6:35 PM, uadialej said:

For now, like others have said, just hang in there from moment to moment, hour to hour.  Eventually you will find that another month has passed.  And another.  And eventually I would bet that you don't find yourself counting as much. 

I look forward to a time when living minute to minute becomes a distant but important memory...

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Clare,

I know it is the hardest thing in the world to go through but I pray it gets better for you eventually as it has for me.  The missing him part goes on and on forever but I have learned to adjust, it took more time than I care to say, but it did happen.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

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Hi Tisha,

I read your all posts and feeling the same way as you described. I lost my husband on 6th July 2017 and till now its killing me inside. I did not go to work for 1.5 months but after that my family forced me to go for work so that I can busy with other stuff but seriously its not working. I continuously missing him, every second I think about him. I just want to know, how are you feeling now because I think I am never gonna cope up with this pain.

I just miss him alot, he was my life. We fought very hard with our families for this relation and after 3 years of fighting we got married. And again after 3 years of marriage I just lost him due to stupid Sarcoidosis and chicken pox complications, I can't believe he is gone I miss him terribly. Every time I just asked god why this happened with me , why me , what i have done wrong but i only ended up crying without any answer. I am 29 and I don't know how i am gonna survive rest of my life without him. Please help me.

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3 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Hi Tisha,

I read your all posts and feeling the same way as you described. I lost my husband on 6th July 2017 and till now its killing me inside. I did not go to work for 1.5 months but after that my family forced me to go for work so that I can busy with other stuff but seriously its not working. I continuously missing him, every second I think about him. I just want to know, how are you feeling now because I think I am never gonna cope up with this pain.

I just miss him alot, he was my life. We fought very hard with our families for this relation and after 3 years of fighting we got married. And again after 3 years of marriage I just lost him due to stupid Sarcoidosis and chicken pox complications, I can't believe he is gone I miss him terribly. Every time I just asked god why this happened with me , why me , what i have done wrong but i only ended up crying without any answer. I am 29 and I don't know how i am gonna survive rest of my life without him. Please help me.

LoveGoli,

I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose the love of your life and then to have family and friends tell you what is best for you. If they only knew the pain we endure they wouldn't be so crass as to imagine they knew what was best. I am glad you found this site. We will listen and provide guidance whenever you need it and we will do so without preconceived notions or judgement. I wish you nothing but peace and comfort on your journey.

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LoveGoli, I wish there was something I could say to help you with your pain, but there is nothing, really. I am sorry for your loss. I know those words don't mean much, but the heart thoughts are behind them. It pretty much piles more hurt on us when others tell us what they think is best for us. They can't see the pain on the inside of us. They have no clue about it, unless they have been through it. You are 29, a young age, but people only see that young age. They don't understand that not only have you lost the love of your life, you lost your life and yourself. We are supposed to somehow, someway,start a life all over again, figure out who we are, which is certainly not the person we used to be, before our world exploded apart.

Please, do not blame yourself for anything. You did nothing wrong. Life just happens the way it does and sometimes bad things happen they we don't understand and we will never have the answers, try as we might to find them.  God sees our suffering, our pain, our loss. He is there to give us comfort, help guide us in this next journey. Just keep praying, keep your faith and trust in Him. Someday, when it is our turn for Heaven, the answers we kept searching for will be answered.    (HUGS)

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Thanks Eagle-96 and KMB for your words, I never thought I would write these types of words here. When I was with my husband I never knew there are sites like this and now I am part of this site. When I was with my husband I used to tell him everything about my day , he used to call me at lunch time for asking about my meal and now there is no call in my phone, no one asked me have i take my meals or not or what I have taken. I am so lonely now, we were so close and  he called me 2-3 times over the phone and talked with me, we just dont want stay away from each other. Every Evening he reached home and I welcomed him by kiss and then we start preparing for dinner, he always there with me in kitchen and tell me about his day and I also tell him about my day in office but now all these things are gone, I am just dying without him.

We were together for 8.5 years including 3 years of marriage, I can not describe him in words. He was type of person every girl wants, even I did not knew I loved him this much but he is gone and now I realized how much I love him. I dont believe in God now, because he used to pray every morning and evening in front of god and look what god did with him. We had so many plans, we were planning to buy home and then next year we are going to start our family but within 4 days my complete life changed and I still dont believe he is gone due to chickenpox complications.  God can not be so cruel to those who worshiped him so now for me there is no God and I dont believe these type of things now. I only know that one day my day will come and I just want that, I dont have to wait too long and hope I will meet my Goli  (I used to call him) very soon. 

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