Unfaithfullness

[passionflower69]

I am just a recent victim of unfaithfullness in the marriage. i am heartbroken and confused. I need some advice from you previous experience. It is sad we come together for this reason. My husband had an affair that produced a child. Now they are living together and I am going through divorce.

[angelgirl63]

I am ssooo sorry to read about your husband's infidelity and betrayal. He's stupid and acted out his lust for a homewrecker. I'm assuming you're not going to reconcile  because of the circumstances. It's hard to do, when a child is conceived as a consequence of the adultery. I wish there was some consolation for you, knowing he will regret his choices some day, especially if there are children involved from your own marriage to him.

I can only speak from my own experiences, so here's my advice to you...  when my first husband did the same thing, I wish I would have been more diligent in finding a good divorce lawyer from the get-go.  That's REALLY important! Don't compromise yourself or your worth. Stand your ground. He's ruined your life, so let him pay for it... especially if you've been married for at least 10 years.  Try to separate your emotions from the business of divorce. Make sure you know all the assets at stake... get a copy of a current credit report on him. Look up your IRS tax returns to find all the accounts. Make sure you're left with at least one credit card in your name. Are there children involved? Spell out the child support ~ make him pay for their medical/dental/eye insurance on top of the support. Have him contribute to a 529 savings account for college. Have him pay for half of any medical expenses and medications out of your pocket... include braces. Stipulate for child support up to the age of 21, not 18. Have it spelled out that he will pay for car insurance, under his policy, for the kids, when the time comes. Get half his pension, if you can. If you have to move out of the house, have him pay for the expense of doing so.  Have him pay for any work training you may have to get, if you've been a stay at home mom.

And if there are children from the marriage, you can apply through the state for health insurance, that is, if the bum won't pay for it himself. Ask about free lunches at their school if money will be tight. It's usually based on income, not assets.  The school will supply the application to you. Oh, and you may consider taking a lump sum in alimony  ~ you won't have to pay taxes on it. Note that child support is not taxable income for you, but make sure you spell out that you get the tax benefit of them being your dependents for tax purposes. You should always submit your federal tax income, even if your income is less than 16K... you will still get a refund. But check with an accountant... also, there are places that will do your taxes for you for free, if your income is under a certain amount... for instance, if you earn less than 36K, they will do it for free in Florida. Call your local municipality for details. I believe it is funded by the United Way - at least in Florida it is.

Take care of your physical health. Exercise your anger and frustrations away and avoid self-destruction. Don't take up drinking to get to sleep or to drown your sorrows. Take an over the counter sleeping pill if you get too exhausted from insomnia, but try not to get dependent on them or take them after 8:30PM. Get a manicure and pedicure to make yourself feel good. Spoil yourself, if you can afford it. Go to the salon and get your hair done real cute and sexy. It'll at least make you feel better about your outward beauty. You'll have to pray to God to heal your heart though... that's the deep wound that no one sees. Don't rush into any relationships, either. Men see a vulnerable woman from a mile away and if he's a self-serving man, he'll take advantage of you. Try not to cohabitate with a man, either. It's wrong on so many levels and won't earn you the respect you'll want and deserve. It's what God calls fornication ~ and that will only get you an eternal death sentence, just like adultery, if you die unrepentent of that sin, one day. In a nutshell, you should learn to take care of yourself overall - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You'll make for a better woman, to a better man, who deserves you, down the road some day.

And most of all ~ don't get suckered into feeling sorry for your dumb husband. But, if he sincerely wants to come back, on his hands and knees, you may want to give him at least a second chance... this way you won't second guess yourself, in the future. You'll know you did everything you could to reconcile. Only you will know if he's feeling true remorse and contrition from this huge discretion. I just hope the homewrecker isn't giving him bad advice... but they usually do, especially since they don't know your side of the story.  I realize what I'm suggesting may be irrelevent and besides the point, on this topic.

Anyway, don't count on his family coming to your rescue. Blood is thicker than water. Just don't take it out on the baby. It's a victim of circumstances, just as much as you are.  Don't allow yourself to feel guilty, or second guess that you were the sole problem or a bad wife. Don't get absorbed with regret.  Remember, hindsight is 20/20. Just learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. If you have weight to lose because you've been eating like a mad woman, now is the best time to do it. Don't head for the refrigerator every time you get mad at him or yourself, okay! And if you're starving yourself ~ that's no good either.

Hope this helps.

[passionflower69]

Thank you so much for your advice. My situation is a little bit different because we have no children in common, and he is not the legal guardian of my son. I was the breadwinner of the house, the house was bought when I was single and we have no credit cards together. He has significant debts and I will not help him pay for it. When he was spending money like a maniac I advised to stop. I am doing the divorce myself and as of today he has not contested yet. The deadline for that is Friday so luckily he will do nothing. He knows about the law and his rights are weak at this point. He cannot give alimony because I make more twice as much as him, so it will be ridiculous to ask.

All I want is that he goes his way and I will go mine. He will live with his misery for a long time and hopefully this is his final stop since he has been married four times (I should have known better!).

As far as the emotional part, I am devastated but recovering very quick. He left on July 26 and I found out about the affair on August 10, since I called him to talk about us and he confessed. I was in shock because he was never late or went out by himself other than work and school, so I have nothing to suspect. However, I have a traveling job and I assume that when I was gone, he would go see her. What bothers me the most is that he kept the secret for so many years and did not have the balls to face it. Now I understand his mood and loneliness. he would see to read for hours and did not move. Sometimes cranky and very distracted lately.

I have had two jobs since 2004 and went through a master program at the same time. I know I am vauable as a person, have a nice job and take care of myself. I am a sales consultant for nutrition products and am in shape. Also I have to dress professional at all times and that does not allow me to be sloppy.

I getting professional therapy as well as taking antidepressants, but my son is my main worry because the had a very good relationship. He is grieving too, but I explain him that it is not his fault, that everything is between me and my exhusband. He does not about the affair and the child, because it will be traumatic for him. he is only 9.

I confident that God will help me heal and I am excercising my faith. We all go through difficult times at a given point and this has been one of the most severe ones. But God is testing my faith and he chose me because I am strong enough to take it. If it would be my sister she would have been destroyed because her selesteem  is low. I know that he lost more that me and he regrets it but there is no way back. It was our 5th anniverasry last weekend and this child will be 3 in January. That indicates that at a year and seven month she got pregnant. Sorry, bu too early in the marriage. That is inconceivable. He has zero opportunities with me and I want to forgive him for my sanity, but I will not go back with him.  There is no way I will trust this particular person and I know he regrets his actions, but too late.

I pray for him and his own forgiveness and the future will say what will happen with his new relationship. In the meantime, I take it easy and go through my mourning and grieving and hope to recover from the effects of his loss.

 

Thank you so much. 

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

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[immissingyou]

We have good friends that are going through something similar. He was the one that cheated and in my eyes wanted to get caught. She made the decision to let him stay and after two months, things have completely dissolved. There were significant issues before the infidelity that were never resolved. What's happened now is it has rolled out to the rest of us - the friendship. We knew the husband for years and were friends with the wife through the husband. Our loyalty is with him and for obvious reasons it has not gone over well with his wife. It's a sucky situation and there is no easy way around it for anyone involved. I am sorry for what they're going through and hate to choose sides per se but it's at the point where she is so uncomfortable to be around everyone is avoiding her.