Multiple Losses

[MoonGoddess]

I feel like my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and it's tearing me apart with it.

 

My 32-year-old son has had a chronic, terminal illness for 14 years. Most patients don't live that long. He refuses to go to a doctor or have any tests or take any medications. He doesn't trust doctors or the medical profession or pharmaceutical corporations. It's hard for me to know how much longer he has to live. He lives with me and his deterioration is clear. He's an adult so I can't make him do what *I* think is best. I'm a single parent. My ex is a deadbeat loser (a lawyer who could make 10 times what I make, but he prefers to life off women and not work at all) who has not been in contact with his son for years. I am my son's sole support and he treats me like ****. I have to take it because what consequences could I use? I'm not going to kick him out of my home! He needs a warm safe place to sleep and nutritious food.

 

Last May my 89-year-old mother (she was 88 then) got a urinary tract infection that led to hallucinations and sudden onset dementia. She cannot live alone and she has lived with me since then. She has aged a decade in the past year. So have I, it feels like. Early last summer I took all of the hateful things she said to me personally. Now I sort of understand that she doesn't really mean it, but sometimes it still hurts.

 

My 11-year-old dog, who was my constant companion, who went everywhere with me, who slept by my bed every night, got sick at the end of February. I had to make the decision to euthanize her on March 13. I had a vet come to my home so she would be calm and peaceful. She hated the vet's office and it made her extremely anxious. My son (mentioned above) decided that she just had a broken paw and if it was set she would be fine (she was dying and suffering and her paw was fine). He refused to be here and stormed out before the vet came. Four of us were here with her, besides the vet, and we all tried to be strong until it was over. Then we all broke down and bawled like little children.

 

Then it was spring break (I'm a teacher) and I had to go to my mom's house to pack, fix things, and try to get it ready for sale. Hard work for someone with chronic back pain. Now I'm teaching again, every day hoping I won't break down into tears in front of my students.

 

I'm just crying all the time, watching my family die. So many people depend on me and I am stretched too thin. Probably I am just feeling sorry for myself and should just get over it.

 

There wasn't a topic for "pet died, mom and son dying" so I started my own.

[wooglin905]

I'm sorry for the cycle of loss you are anticipating being caught in.  The minute you feel like you have gain some peace you start waiting for the next.

 

My 93 year old aunt has been in a dementia ward for the last decade.  There are days that are good and days when you wonder who she thinks you really are.  It can be incredibly frustrating hearing such vicious things from your loving mother, but remember all those good things she used to say to you, all of the times that she was the woman you so fondly remember.  I'll make the leap that she has been getting the best medical treatments available to her.  You are providing her with a loving home, sheltering her in her time of need, that makes you a wonderful person.

 

I couldn't begin to give you sound advice about your son.  It seems like he might best be served by having Adult Protective Services called in to help you gain a handle on what is best for him.  If he is disabled in some form, emotionally or physically, they will be able to best provide guidance and services for your entire family on how best to approach his life.  

 

I'm caught in a similar watershed series of events myself - death of a daughter due to miscarriage, my longtime girlfriend walked out this past weekend to "find herself", and work is now talking to me about moving 500 miles away.  This after having broken down on my office about all of the above just 4 days ago.  It's horrible feeling like you are in the ring being punched every time you pick up your head.  What I can offer you is this - reach out to a friend you can just come over and have dinner with you some night.  Doesn't need be anything elaborate, just someone to talk to.  You are surrounded by the very people you are concerned about.  While you can't take a break from life, you need to take a break for an evening.  

 

You've got a road ahead of you filled with some uncertainty and you need to find something to anchor yourself.  [i'm trying to learn this myself, it is very hard.  I won't deny that.]

 

good luck and let me know if you want to talk/write about any of this.  Can't promise good answers, but I'd like to.