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I hate this feeling!


Tryingtohavehope

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Tryingtohavehope

The other day I redownloaded an app on my phone that I had before I met Keith. I thought I was missing companionship, friends, someone to talk to, and after talking to a few guys I realized...I will never be able to find what Keith and I had! :( What Im really missing in reality is him! I want love but I want his love! I want to hear his voice again see his smile again! I just want him back...I dont like him being gone this long!!! :( But I know he wont ever be coming back! I just wish wish wish...seems like its all I can do to keep myself going! I want my life back but with him!!!

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Ouch and confused

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your Keith.  That is all part of the grieving process.  You know what and who you had and it will never be the same.  It can be different after time I would guess, but I still see my Mom reject man after man because they weren't my dad.  There won't be that person just like that again,  But hopefully if you keep your heart open you can find some one different and appreciate and love them for their differences.  That person will be different, but they are never going to be him.

 

I'm going to try to make an analogy, and I hope it does sound silly or ever callous but...Imagine you had a car that you loved.  You had finally found THE one that you wanted and waited your whole life for. You had scrimped and saved and test drove car after car until you found THAT ONE perfect car.  And some dummy steals it.  You can and will get another car, but it won't be the same and you'll hate it in a lot of ways, but after a while if you give the new one a chance you will come to appreciate it and maybe even love it for its own ways. 

 

Again, sorry if that seemed to trivialize your loss.

 

All the best, and hang in there.  :) 

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I feel the same way Trying...I want to have a companion but I don't think there is a man alive who could even begin to compare to my late husband.  I just want him back and sometimes I even barter with God, if He would just bring him back to me. My husband has been gone for almost 15 months now and I'm finally to a point where I know he isn't going to be coming back.  I'm also a whole lot older than you and don't really have to have a man in my life from here on out.  I have pretty much just given it to God.  I told God that if it is meant to be that I have a man in my life again then He (God) is going to have to hand deliver him to me.  And so I will wait patiently.  But you are so young.  You will find love again sweetheart but like the other poster said, it will not be the same.  Give it a chance though.  At least you know what you want at this point.  Don't settle for anything less than what you had.

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Tryingtohavehope

Thanks! I just get so mad at God sometimes because I put it in his hands and he allowed me to fall in love with Keith knowing that he was going to take him! Its just not fair! I would like to fall in love again but I really dont want to go through all the trouble of finding someone! Im tired of sharing my life and what all happens in my life just to be let down! I feel like Im not a positive person anymore and that sometimes I cant even remember what he sounds like or looks like...i dont like the person ive become over this! :( But i just cant seem to let him go! I love that people on here are not judgemental and can understand how i feel or can relate in someway! Thank you for everything everyone! :)

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Ouch and confused

Thanks! I just get so mad at God sometimes because I put it in his hands and he allowed me to fall in love with Keith knowing that he was going to take him! Its just not fair! I would like to fall in love again but I really dont want to go through all the trouble of finding someone! Im tired of sharing my life and what all happens in my life just to be let down! I feel like Im not a positive person anymore and that sometimes I cant even remember what he sounds like or looks like...i dont like the person ive become over this! :( But i just cant seem to let him go! I love that people on here are not judgemental and can understand how i feel or can relate in someway! Thank you for everything everyone! :)

 

 

Angry with God is exactly it.  Not wanting to try is also exactly it.  Forgetting that voice or that person is exactly it.  Not liking the person you've become is exactly it.  What if you find someone else and they are taken away too?  That is exactly it. You won't ever let him go, but you can live and have a life. This is all part of grief.

 

Lord knows, I have sabotaged everything in my life, every opportunity, every good thing for 27 years because I know it can be taken away in a second like my father.  It sucks and I've finally gotten to the point to where this has to change in my life.  My best advice is to try to address these feelings now before they get worse.  There is help out there.  I still don't know how I'm going to get passed all of that stuff but I'm finally ready to try because I am sick of seeing others have while I am too afraid to lose.

 

What you are feeling is normal for what you went through.  Things can change, I've seen it for some, and I truly believe that possible for all of us who have these feelings to move past them and live again.  It may take some time, some anger and tears but unless we try it will be that way.. 

 

And I know you are angry with God, I still am too in a lot of ways, but we also need to understand that we don't know God's plan.  Tomorrow that person, or opportunity could just be right there in front of you and slap you in your face - but you have to not be afraid to take it. 

 

All the best. 

 

Edit:  And oh yeah, every loss you do see only will make you say "See, told you so."  but that isn't the way you want to live.  I promise.  :)

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Tryingtofindhope.-

I can relate to a lot of what you said and I get so anxious and sad about the future! I can't even think about it!! I understand what you say about Keith because I feel it too about Francisco he is the man I love and I won't find anyone like him and part of me wants to eventually love again but other part of me know how special our relationship was that I won't ever have something like that and that makes me want to give up on love . I know is very soon becase its been 48 days but i just miss him SO BAD.

On the other hand I even think that if I ever love again and meet someone this person has to understand that Francisco (and his family) will forever be a part of my life and that I think it's not easy to understand...

When my dad died 3 years ago and my mom was so sad I always thought I am not her husband but im her daughter and i am a reason for her to keep living but now that i am experiencing the lost of the love of my live I dont have any children, I wish I had a baby with him and it was in our plans but in like 2 years, we were going to move to nyc to study next year, we were talking about getting married, we had all this plans together as a couple....25 years old is so young to die

 

Like I always say: I am grieving because of Francisco but I am also grieving my future with him..well now im crying...

But what i want to say is that I relate with you and Hey Jude when she talks about her husband and how she feels.

 

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Tryingtohavehope

Thanks everyone! Erip...I feel like Im litterally going crazy! One minute I feel like yeah I got this I know he wants me to be happy! And the next minute Im crying cause I feel guilty for being happy without him or for looking at another guy and thinking they are cute! Now for some reason any guy I talk to if I think hes good looking I think to myself am I supposed to daye him did Keith put him in my path? Then I have to take a step back and realize Im not ready for a relationship yet...I just want that companionship back...that love we had! :( Im trying and I guess thats all I can do at this point! I hate going to work now, Im always in a downer mood and cant help it I feel so crabby all the time and I work with kids so then I feel bad for being like this but I cant control it!!! UGH!!!

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Kurtybearhugs

Dear Trying, It has been over four years for me, and I remember all of the feelings you have mentioned, and then some. I know well how much of a shock it is to lose the most important person in your life, and have to go on without them. It is the worst thing a person could ever go through, and I feel deeply for anyone who is, or has experienced profound grief. I wanted to write you because, as much as I hurt when my wife died, (suicide seemed a pretty reasonable choice for a while) I was lucky enough to find the support I so desperately needed, and after more than four years, I can still cry for my Laura, and grieve the future we never had together, but for the most part, I am at least content with my life again, and I spend much of my time helping others find their way through their grief. This is not the life I had planned for myself, but it is a good life, and it is worth living, and at times, I am even happy and joyful, with the sacred memories of my beloved, and all the laughter we used to share. At some point, the painful memories you have now, will begin to change into memories that will comfort you. I am sorry to say that you have a long way to go, but I also know that you will get there. I know it seems impossible to you right now, but I promise it will happen... One day and one tear at a time. I wish you strength and patience. You will need both... Yours With Loving Kindness,  Kurt

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MissingDaniel

Kurt -

 

You seem like a very kind man.  I have a lot of respect for your choice to turn your grief around into an opportunity to help people through this difficult process.  I know that reading your words has been a comfort to me many times in giving me hope that it does get better, and I'm sure this is true for many on this site.  I am glad that time has brought you comfort, and I look forward to the time that these memories that make me cry now can instead make me smile.  I'm getting there.  Blessings to you for caring and giving back!

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