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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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I lost my father and grander father in that plane crash in Cerritos in 86>  I also kind of lost my whole famiily after that.  And this is hard to say as a man, I was sexually abused by a stranger less that a year before that.  I needed dad so I could tell.  And I have been dated raped by two women and lets make that three because the ex did and was not going to not have me in that relationship and she was mean.  A lot of death too.  So many friends.  

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I recently lost my across the street neighboor and we we not besties, he was a big brother.   I also lost that other friend who was just cool and funny.   In highschool a friend was on LSD and fell of a cliff.  That was after the car crash that killed another friend. 


People do keep dying though, and it is hard.  If you're listening try to explain how I can better deal with loss. 


Thank you. 

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And the ex stalked me down so many times and threatend suicide and do OD to where I did like her but not like that.   That is why I got caught up.   I did eventtually did fall in love.   She was having surgeries just about as much that she was ODing.  She got really crazy.  Wrapped my necktie around my neck.  Hit me way too much.  Bit me and I bit back.  Came home one night out of her mind and pulling out the screen and was hitting me with her purse.  She was blocking the door, and I bit her hand because she wouldn't stop and was blocking the door.  I knew that if I did try and yank it, she was going to go flying.  I ended up going to jail for domestic.  Charges were not filed though because attourney, he letter, and the fact the DA did get that biting of hand is a defensive thing.



She is also very ill right now.   She started smoking because of me, and has COPD and she doesn't have a year left I don't think and she won't let me be there.   Always told me that though to.  If she were dying, I could not be there.  But I also understand that I made a lot of mistakes and hurt her too. 

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I do have a very smart mouth and I will say some really mean stuff if someone is saying it to me.  I can and did get personal with some of the mean things she was saying because she was already being mean, and I was just trying to let her know about the drug use.  

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Hi OaC,


I'm not sure if you're still listening to this thread, it's kind of empty and deserted down these corridors :)


I just wanted to say that, for all that you have gone through, I think you are showing you have an amazing strength.  Having had much pain and confusion as a child, it is completely understandable to be drawn into abusive and destructive relationships.


I'm also finding that most people in this society who have any sensitivity in them don't know how to be anything but co-dependent.  This interferes much of the time with having the tools to deal with a relationship like you've spoken of.


What co-dependence is, is taking responsibility for other people's feelings.  Some people are taught this by parents who use guilt over us and some people just have a great deal of empathy and sympathy and, add to that a layer of insecurity and we find ourselves automatically adjusting our behavior for the sake of someone else's emotions.


And there are people who will take advantage of that, because of their own insecurity or because they are shrewd manipulators.


I mention this because it is sometimes good to look at our own behavior in relation to our reactions to others to determine different points where we could, with practice, stop the craziness.


But I've read your posts across the site and you are very helpful and supportive and it is revealing this inner strength that I'm seeing within you.  It would be very beneficial if you turn it inward.


As you know, dealing with loss is a very painful thing.  And even though it was a long time ago for losing your father and grandfather, I'm sure that it has affected your whole life, especially when you needed him so much.  You have great courage to first survive and second want to feel better and, by coming here, taking the steps towards that.


I suffer pre-grief at the knowledge that my mother will die some day.  Even though she is still here, sometimes I feel more desperate at that impending loss than I do having lost both my sister and my father.  The ripping of someone from us, no matter if they were ripped or gently walked, by us, to the grave, is the worst thing in this life.  And the knowledge that I'm going to have to do it again makes me crazy.  It is because of this, and the loss of my sister and father, that I have decided to be true to my grief, be true to the fact that death is part of life, open myself to all the understanding possible... because it is something that we cannot escape.


But helping others can help us reach that part within us that also needs to hear our words.



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