Lost both parents in May

[melanier]

Hello everyone. I,m new to this but reading all your messages it seems like this is the perfect place to come to for help, support, advice, and a friendly ear. I lost both my parents to a freak accident on May 31st this year. They were crushed by their own car that rolled down the driveway of my sister,s new house that they were helping her move into. My dad died about an hour after the accident, and my mum about 20 minutes later. I am grateful that they went together, as they had been married for 47 years, and for one to have gone without the other, the one who was left behind would have been a completely lost soul. But it,s hard for those of us left behind to come to terms with. I live in Spain, my sister in france where the accident happened, and my brother in England, and I feel so isolated and aloe. I am a single mother and so dont have another adult in the house to talk to about it or to just have a hug from if the day has been bad. I am coping by keeping busy and getting on with life, work, etc, but I have little motivation to do anything I dont need to, my house is a pigsty, I dont take any exercise, and I am someone who used to run daily, and I am feeling very lethargic generally, but I guess thats just my body,s way of coping, seeing as I dont seem able to cry very much. Would love to hear from some of you and just share some experiences.

Melanie

[solemate]

hello from Australia - my situation is so very close to yours - I too lost both parents on the one day hours apart from a car accident.  My Dad died instantly at the accident and my Mum was taken to a hospital and then flown to another hospital and put on life support.  We turned off her life support which would have been several hours after the accident.  My parents died on the 24th March 2007 and I am still very emotional about the situation.  I was lucky to have support of my husband and two adult children but lost contact with my only sibling sister.  There are times when I am just OK and there are times that I am in a dark and lonely place that I have trouble getting away from.  I did find that grief counselling and now medication has helped me to survive the trauma and depression that we can all go through.  I saw my parents only one hour earlier on that terrible day and I blame myself for not encouraging them more not to go for that fatal drive that day (it was very heavy with rain) I hear the pain that you have and offer you my sincerest warm wishes to you and your family.  Your journey has just begun and you must learn to accept that things will never be the same again.  Without the medication I was in a terrible state and I am just starting to feel that I am surviving the haze of grief.  You will probably go through what all of us on the boards go through - that is some good days and some bad days - we all grieve differently and most people understand but there can be some people who are unkind.  I have just started to collect all the wonderful memories of my parents If I forget about the unique stories of my parents and dont save the many treasures, then their history will die with them.  Since their deaths it has brought home to me the importance of keeping treasures as a means to remember those that we have loved and are now gone.  Yes I have the memories but when I go the memories will be gone unless there are stories written down and treasures to pass on in the families.  Dont be hard on yourself during these early days, let your feelings come to a head and seek professional help as you also have had a double tragedy. Beyond Indigo has helped me to realise that we are not alone and its a great place to just vent your feelings or just read other postings -  take care and if you would like to contact me I would be happy to reply - warm wishes Gayle

[melanier]

Hello Gayle,

Thank you so much for your warm and supportive reply. I am so sorry to hear of your tragis loss too. All around me people seem to be having tragedies; a close friend has just  heard her dad has been diagnosed with spinal & prostrate cance, another close freind''s father has just had a heart attack, my uncle has bowel cance...it just goes on and on. I wonder if that is now because I am more tuned in to other people's grief now than I was, and that there have always been these major traumas going on around me, or if there genuinely have been more this summer?

I have been having a good week, i am feeling pretty string at the moment. I dont feel too upset on a daily basis, it's more like a dull ache that is just always there.

My daughter and I were going through a big box of photos that we've just never got round to putting into albums last night, and there were lots of lovely ones of my parents, which were lovely to see, made me really happy to relive those memories.

I have had a few sessions of bereavement counselling with the English vicar here, and they helped a little bit, I am not having any more for now as I dont feel I have any more to gain from him at the moment, but i have an open door to go back. I really want a support group, in English so that I can express myself fully, but there dont seem to be any here despite the huge amount of ex pats that live here. It may be that whenb I feel strong enought I will set one up, but right now I need to concentrate on me. I am also taking some mild anti depressants wghich help.

I guess being that your parents accident was also so sudden and unexpected, that you still have moments of utter disbelief taht it could have happened? I do from time to time, it's just so incredible to realise that I wont ever see them again.

 

I find my patience with my (14 yr old) daughter is at an all time low, and I just dont have much patience in general for anything trivial. Did you experience this at all?

Bye for now.

 

melanie x

 

[solemate]

Dear Melanie - I to lost my patience with some people and yes my own daughter (24 years) During our grief cycles - anger is one of the steps we must all endure - this unfortunately is part of the journey that we will all take.  I have just started to take anti depression tablets and I find that they have dried up my tears - I am a little concerned that I seem to have lost my feeling of emotion. - before when I looked at my parents photos - I cried, now I dont - I am worried that when I come off these tablets that I will go backwards - I simply dont want to be on them forever.  I was happy for you that you have some photos of your family - perhaps you and your daughter could start a scrapbook of memories of them and have her include a journal of writing on the things that she remembers - this may help the both of you. On another note I am very worried now as my husband has just started to have some tests for cancer - this cant be happening to us - if its not one thing its another. I hope Melanie you take care of yourself and be kind to yourself as your journey is not over yet. hugs from australia - gayle