Shouldn't I be over this by now?

[TaraMarie]

My father commited suicide December 23,1996. I was 13 when he died. I was a Daddy's girl and his princess. My mom and dad split up 8 months before my dad died and I chose to live with him. This happened 18 years ago. I bottled up everything after and just continued to shove it back. UNTIL NOW!! All of these emotions is coming back that I didnt deal with then and I have no idea how to deal with it. It has been so intense that its almost like I just lost him all over again. I've also realized that this one tragic event has completely shaped me as a person and how I live my life. Is this normal? Shouldnt this be mellowed in 18 yrs? Please any advice anyone could give me would really help

[ModKonnie]

TaraMarie,

Have you had any recent life experiences that would trigger all of these fresh emotions? Have you begun to simply reflect upon your  life and suddenly realized the impact your father's suicide had on you? I know that when I'm in a reflective period in my life, things that I hadn't dealt with in the past (trauma, etc...) rear their ugly heads and then the resulting emotions are new and confusing. (Does that make a bit of sense?)

 

I would suggest you may want to talk to a professional counselor and ask how you begin to sort through your emotional tangle after all of these years. I know that talking is the very best way to heal, so if you haven't talked much about your loss and the impact it had on your life, perhaps you need to start doing so. Self help groups are great ways to process your thoughts and feelings. They really do help.

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Ravenstar]

Dear TaraMarie,

When I was in my 30s, some very hurtful things that had happened to me between the ages of 10 and 12 came up to be dealt with. First there was my father's death when I was 10; and then other, equally traumatic, events followed from it. I believe I can empathize with you; for years I saw my father's death as a suicide, which in a sense it was. When all this came up again I didn't understand the intense anger that was hitting me either: why now and why did I have to go over all this again? I thought I'd dealt with it at the time, but all I'd done was make some very wrong choices about how to handle it - such as keeping the anger and hurt inside and hiding behind a façade of invulnerability. (Mind you, back when it happened there really was no one to turn to.)

Although I sought counselling when it hit, I didn't get to the bottom of it all. I didn't have the nerve - the trust in my counsellor or in myself that I could survive it. In retrospect I think I needed to open up (or be opened - because I attribute it to grace or the universe) in stages; all at once might have shattered me. Then, just after I turned 40, I was required to attend a grief workshop with my students (the staff took turns with these and it "happened" to be my turn), and I was the one who I believe felt the greatest impact from it. I spent that weekend grieving as I'd never done, and then I reconciled with someone I'd held an immense lot of anger toward since those early years. It took another few decades before I could truly reconcile with the other main characters in that set of incidents; again, that was triggered by something that "happened". And now there is reconciling with myself, which isn't over yet.

So I'm saying several things here which may or may not apply to you; please take what's useful and throw the rest out. I sometimes wish someone had explained the following to me, but I had to figure it out myself - or maybe we all do, in a way that makes sense to us.

One is that this healing could be a very long road, once you've taken the first step on it. It could be even longer if you don't dare to open the wounds very far, and that opening up is dreadfully scary and painful (but the relief afterwards is incredibly wonderful) - which is why we fear grieving. I'm still on that road, and I don't expect it to end in this lifetime. I don't believe we ever fully "resolve our issues", as some try to push us to; there are always too many ambiguities and twists to the plot emerging as we go.

Another is that it somehow takes grace, or synchronicity, or chance, to trigger the start of the healing process. Suddenly a door opens. When that happens, as it has now for you, there is the choice to go with it as far as you can or to back off - which means carrying the anger and hurt even longer. Either way, there is a price to be paid; but on reflection, I'd rather have paid it all at once and been done with it if that had been possible. Maybe it wasn't possible for me, but maybe it will be for you. I hope you will trust your choices, all along. Somehow mine have turned out to have been the right ones for me.

Two qualities that have been most useful - and required of me throughout - are courage and a searching, brutal honesty with myself. Without those early injuries, I might never have developed them. One encouragement is that these qualities grow with use; with every step taken in courage, more is available. Opening up is very hard work, so I hope you will be as gentle with yourself as you can be. The rewards are awesome!

I'm thankful for the opportunity your post has given me to revisit my own healing process. By now I am on to further challenges, but it was healing and inspiring for me to put this account together. I wish you the greatest success in your journey. I'll be glad to talk more about this with you or anyone else who reads this; just PM me..

With love and prayers,
Raven