11 months

[MissuDad]

Hi,

 

I haven´t started na topic for quite a while now, but today, as I need to let something out, I decided to share some of my feelings with you.

 

The 18th of March,2014 marked the 11th month that my dad has left this earth. These last few weeks have been hard on me, the hardest time of my life started a year ago when my dad went to the hospital and never came back, it seems I´ve been reliving these moments and been more emotional than usual. When it happened I did not know how I´d be able to keep living without my "rock" by my side, although ´his health was deteriorating and he barely remembered the normal things, he was still here, living in the same house as me and I had to someone I needed to take care and cared for me.

 

In a month and half my life completely changed, for as long as I live, I´ll never forget that day when I asked: "Dad died?"

 

Until then I did not know what pain was, all the problems I bitched about in the past were nothing compared to what I was about to feel in the months to come...

 

There were days when I felt so alone, so anxious, the sleepless nights, the fear of going crazy, all a torment for us who lose someone we love.

 

Not a day goes by that I don´t think about my daddy and how much I miss him and how so unreal this last year was. I think of the things he used to do, the food he cooked, where he used to sit on the park and the things he´ll never see...

 

Some days are better, some are not. Even today, I woke up feeling so "heavy" inside, I felt alone and abandoned, people move on with their lives and part of ours is still missing... I spent the entire day at home, but then after forcing myself to get up and go to the gym, I finally went out.

 

There´s always a cloud above our heads, sometimes the sun can shine others there´s only rain, it´s indeed a hard journey that makes you question everything, your friends, family, sanity, feelings, emotions, job, life, etc... sometimes I can not even believe how much time has passed by abd I´m still here, it´s like you grow up, learn to walk and all of the sudden you lose the ability to walk and start to crawl again before you re-learn to walk again.

 

There are things I regret not saying and doing, I can only find solace in the fact that the last words I said to him were: "I love you", I´ll never forget the look in his eyes and the his tears building up. Today, here in Portugal. is father´s day and for the first time in my life I have no one to wish a happy day, I was never the type of son to pay much attention to this day, but it´s hard knowing I won´t have anyone to cal or wish in person a good day.

 

Thanks for reading and all the help provided here for this last year

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

I seriously cried reading this.

I relate to you a lot.

I think of march 15th ..when my dad became sick.

May 8th when he went to the hospital and never came home.

The last time he said anything to me was that he loved me.

June 27th I was told there was nothing more they could do.

June 29th I took the longest ambulance ride of my life transporting him from hospital to hospice.

June 30th he was gone..and i was left questioning everything.

And I hate to think anyone went through the same things I felt.

I'm so sorry, missu.

Hugs.

[Trish91]

Dear MissuDad,

 

I have read all your posts since I joined this forum, at the beginning of Jan/14, and you seem like a really sensitive, caring and intelligent person, so thank you for all your words over the last nearly three months, they have helped me quite a lot.

 

I am really sorry for your loss, and for you have relived the pain of your dad's illness and passing in recent weeks, given that it was almost a year and father's day in your country yesterday.

 

My mom's third month-anniversary occurred on Monday, and I have had a terrible week. In fact, I've been very sad since last Friday. It is as if I'd just lost her yesterday. I feel so empty, demotivated, angry and sad. It's as if I were suffering from PTSD.

 

I have been through so much in such a short time, and I've had to deal with so many things that I feel really tired and in shock, as if all my energy had been drained and there wasn't much point in anything, for work and life in general seem insignificant compared to the pain that I l feel and the impotence to fix things, for there is no fixing for death, except one's own death.

 

I am still in shock, to be completely honest, I just cannot believe this happened, for my mom was always super healthy and her demise came totally out of nowhere and in a very short time, and from the most unlikely illness, lung cancer (she was never a smoker or obese or sedentary, she was the opposite, the picture of health and what the right things to do are supposed to be).

 

Anyway, I also exercise, meditate, pray, write here and vent as much as I can, even though people must be sick and tired of me and my rambling by now, and I will eventually find a therapist or grief counselor. For now, I just cannot do much. I barely manage to do my work and get on with my life. Even my husband, who is loving and supportive, and who I trust and love very much, cannot help me the way that he used to, and none of my friends, cousins, etc, has lost any of their parents, so I feel very much alone.

 

I am dreading mother's day, my mom's birthday and Christmas, and I can barely look at her pictures or videos without breaking down completely.

 

I don't know whether I will feel true joy again, it seems unbearable, this pain is true torture, and like you, my life was super easy, perfect almost, before. No problem was big or significant enough compared to not having my mom physically with me today.

 

I am here for you too, thank you for your words, take care, and I think you are really strong, you love yourself, you look after yourself, you take care of yourself. You've addressed your anxiety and force yourself to exercise even when you are at your lowest. Your dad, in the spiritual world, must be very proud of you.

 

Warm regards

[MissuDad]

Chelsea and Trish,

 

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and reply to my post. As I said before, I´m really sorry for your losses and Chelsea, as you are in your early 20´s and have to endure this passage without one of your parents. I still had my dad until I was 29, so I was able to enjoy him for a little more time, but it was truly painful celebrating my 30th anniversary and not having him around

 

Chelsea,

 

I also cried while writing this, I had to go deep down and remember his face when I said the last "I love you". I really can relate to the going to the hospital, never coming back and the bad news, one after the other, it´s like being slapped on the face over and over and then instead of another slap, you´re simply thrown to to the floor

 

Trish,

 

You´re still early in your grieving journey, it´s normal to have those mixed feelings and fears. The anticipation of xmas, for me, was worse than the day itself, his birthday I still don´t know, it will be in 7 days. I know at some point we can actually feel bad about bringing the subject up to our friends, but a true friend is a friend who loves at your best and at your worst, so if they really love you, you should talk about it. Feeling that you´re being understood and supported by people who care for you is extremely important and yo´llu feel more protected, so don´t be afraid of letting them know how you feel.

 

Once again thank you for the kind words and for the support. A big hug

[sarah1681]

my mom passed 9 days ago her birthday was 4 days ago it was the hardest thing not being able to give her a cake or a card or just to be able to tell her i love her my mom was so young and we still dont know what took her young life away i miss her very much