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My brother died and I found himI


ksmith20

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I'm only 18. I was home for Winter break from college. I'm one of three and the youngest. I have two older brothers, 31 and 29. On January 9, 2014, I woke up after calling out sick the day before and was going to drag myself to work. I didn't say bye to my brother that morning which was unusual. My 29 year old brother lived with me for about a year and a half now and was only a room away from the living room. I went to work after seeing my brother that morning. When my day was over, I drove home and pulled in the driveway the same time as my mother which never happened. I asked her if I could go hang out with my friends after I got dressed after a long day at work. It was 5:30. My mom said of course, just take the dog outside. The dog resided in my brother's room everyday so he wouldn't pee everywhere. My brother was the one to sleep all day and stay up at night. When I walked in to get the dog, the lights were off but I didn't think anything of it. I got the dog and brought him outside. My mom then went into his room to ask how his doctor appointment went that day. My brother had really bad hip problems. He wasn't responding. She kept yelling his name, then turned the light on and I heard a scream like I had never heard before. My mother fell to her knees and I ran in, only to find my brother dead laying in bed with foam coming out of his mouth and chewing tobacco on his lips. My dad was a cop and working at the time. I immediately called 911 and I can't believe how calm I was. I thought they would bring him back to life. I only hoped. My mom was a mess, screaming. The only thing I texted my friends and boyfriend was "My brother is dead." Cops started to show up at my house and the paramedic. He had been dead for 5 hours. There was no taking it back.

 

For the wake and funeral, I was the strongest one of my family. I wrote the obituary, picked out the prayer card, wrote and said the eulogy, and I did the picture boards. I wanted my brother to know how much I loved him. He was my best friend.

 

It's now been a little over two months and every time I wake up and go to sleep, I think of him. When I'm alone, I think of him. In class when I get bored, I think of him. I think about how I did not say I loved him that day and I didn't say goodbye. I think about his smiling face and every time I want to talk to him, I try to text him but then I remember he's no going to respond. It's the worst feeling in the world. I've tried counselors but they don't work. And my friends never know what to say. My bestfriend and brother died, what could they say? Nothing. Nothing makes someone feel better unless they have a time machine.

 

We still haven't found out what really happened to him. i need closure. I don't know when or how I'll ever get that.

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My heart is breaking for you, I am so so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my only brother suddenly in January to a heroin overdose. My sister found him. I understand the immense grief you must be feeling now, the confusion and shock of it all. I truly feel for you.

Honour your brother whatever way you can, keep him alive in your memories and talk about him as much as you feel like. I like telling people stories about my brother and how funny and sweet and truly amazing he was. I talk to him when I am feeling so devestated. I feel like he is with me in whatever I do. Your brother is watching over you and wanting to take your pain away.

I'm here if you ever want to talk. Take care xoxo

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I am sorry for your loss. I too lost a brother on Feb 17. We were very close and talked often. I am still in shock, still can't believe he's gone and that  I have to spend the rest of my life without him.. We have no answers yet as to do his death other than he had "undiagnosed medical condition". Suicide has been ruled out by medical examiner & toxicology reports. We are all at a huge loss and still coping with our loss. 

 

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my sister on Jan 1, 2014 and my husband and I found her.  We had a fun New Years Eve celebration at my house, very chill, just dinner, wine and movies.   Went to sleep around 12:30am.   When my husband got up for water around 4am something was wrong.  We tried to revive her and called 911, but we were not able to save her.  We are still waiting on toxicology to find out what happened.  We have no clue.  So I understand what it is like to find someone you love so much... I can't express the guilt and anger and sadness... Know you are not alone.  

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I am so sorry for your loss. Can only send warm thoughs and lot of strength to you and your family. I lost my brother a bit over 2 years ago. He had been taking overdose with some pills and me and my mom found him dead. It seems so far away now but I still remember the awful cold feeling and what happened. It was like a bad dream but I couldnt get out of it. I miss him a lot. There is nothing what can heal your broken heart right now, and everyone keeps saying "time helps". It helps to carry the grieving and you can learn to live with what happened but there are moments when the sadness overcomes everything else. Sometimes its hard to find anyone to talk about it. A lot of people around want to help but it gets awkward for thm to talk about someone who´s dead. But you you should cherish his memory, think about the good moments. He knows you love him and that he is your best friend. He is your guardian angel now. You always carry him in your heart. Im so sorry. Spend time with your family. They understand our feeling. You dont have to explain anything for them. It is easier together.

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I'm 18. My cousin died on the 25th of February. I'm an only child and she only had a brother so we were like sisters. We lived together for a while. I told her everything. We were best friends.

She committed suicide, which was a shock to the entire family. Everyone was convinced she had gotten over her depression.

After not crying, being by far the strongest i have ever been and writing a eulogy, speaking in front of the 200 people who came to the funeral, I'm now struggling to keep it together.

I'm lonely all the time despite having tons of people with me practically 24/7. I'm scared of dying myself, of death in general more than ever. I'm paranoid about losing friends. I stay away from things that remind me of her. Unfortunately that's everything. I think about her most of the time. I look for her in everyone else. Look for someone to be that close to. I look for her in strangers. Hoping to see her face in person again. Not like a lunatic, just like someone hopelessly nostalgic and lonely I guess. I dream about her every night too. My focus is wavering. Yet I have to get through my exams as my university in September depends on it.

It is ridiculously hard to even let yourself grieve at this age let alone do it once you do. This probably isn't helpful to anyone, but if there is anything helpful I can say it will be: this is so hard, so so hard - you should give yourself a pat on the back for every hour, day and week you get through and manage to keep it together.

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Dear ksmith, Kellie, renee, ctranch, nenni and Msrm;

 

I'm so sorry for all of us.  My sister dying was a shock to all of us too.  We didn't know anything for 6 months and still the report was sketchy.  She was everything to me, she was part of me.  My whole life I thought of her every day.  At some point during the day I would catalog what was happening or something interesting I read or heard or saw and put it in my "next time I talk to Traci" corner of my brain.  Every day.

 

When she died, I was the strong one.  I had my tears and I had a good friend who made me eat but I didn't let myself grieve in front of my family.  After I went home and was alone again, I lost myself in despair for a year and a half.  I felt like my connection to this life was gone.  My connection to my family was gone.  It was the very first time in my life that I experienced loneliness.

 

It is so hard.

 

I searched the internet like a frantic person because I was desperate to find something, anything to make sense of things - of course, I know now that it's not possible.  But I did find something that I'd like to share with you all.

 

In relation to losing a parent or losing a child or spouse, there is not a lot of support information on the internet about losing a brother or sister.  I wasn't able to find much of anything that related to my loss.  And then I found one person who wrote about it.  They wrote very sensitively and said, "The grief experienced from the loss of a sibling is often overlooked.  But what many people don't realize is that our belief that our siblings are going to be with us into old-age is ingrained.  It is taken-for-granted and we don't even know that we have the belief until we experience the loss of one of them."

 

The loss of any person is horrible and the loss of someone that you were supposed to be travelling through life with is unbearable.

 

Msrm, this is beautiful advice: "...if there is anything helpful I can say it will be: this is so hard, so so hard - you should give yourself a pat on the back for every hour, day and week you get through and manage to keep it together."

 

And sometimes it is that moment to moment.

 

The feelings of grief are the feelings of conscious insanity. 

 

Msrm, I also want you to know that myself and each of the rest of my sisters plus my sister's daughters went through a period of being afraid of dying.  Like really prevalent in our psyche's afraid.  I had to phone one of my nieces every morning so that she felt ok going to sleep at night.  One of my sisters had a freak out on a trip driving on the highway, I had a freak out and cried for an hour, in terror, on a plane.  In time, that intense fear went away.

 

ksmith, I also had that terrible feeling for the longest time of what I didn't do.  I made a conscious choice not to phone her the night before she died.  I had made a decision about a new path in my life and thought, I should phone Traci to tell her but then I didn't.  The next morning I found out she died in the night.

 

Everything that we are and everything that we have done and not done and everything we know or believe can come into question.  It's a terrible, messy, painful, mean, rude, really strong word thing we have to go through and it's not fair.

 

And we just have to try to get through each day.

And the only thing that I have found that helps, and only very basically, is to not being hard on ourselves for anything that we're feeling.

 

Just for the hope that one day we can feel nourished for having had our dear, dearest loved one in our lives instead of the pain of them no longer walking beside us.

 

But if it helps, we can imagine them walking beside us still.  Giving us a hand-up when we are our most desperate.  Wanting only for us to feel their love.

 

I like to imagine that sometimes.

 

<3

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ksmith20. I am sorry for your loss and I hear it is still very raw for you.  I found my niece dead in her flat 2 years ago but she was like my sister.  It is just such a shock and it seems very surreal when you go through something like that.  It seems you was the strong one that kept things going especially for your mom, she must be so broken hearted.  What you are going through is intense grief but it will get easier with time so find someone who will listen to you and who wants to hear your cries inside.  Crying is not a sign of weakness or a negative thing to do, its part of grief and is healthy even though it feels painful at the time, its healthy and normal.

 

Come here and type your thoughts, that is what you can do to help yourself.  Your brother know's you love him as he loves you i am sure and he would want you to work through this in the best possible way for you to.

 

When my mum died 20 years ago now, i remember trying to stop crying because i felt that if she could see me cry, then that would hurt her so i found myself trying to stop crying when i caught myself doing so. Instinctively i knew it was wrong to stop myself so one night in the early hours, i came downstairs into the living room and i said out loud as if i were talking to her for real and said "mom, if you see me cry, just know that i need to right now ok?  And from then on i felt ok to cry when i wanted to.

 

Let us know how you are getting on.  Grief is a hard and long road, don't walk it alone x

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By the way Ksmith20, I would talk to my doctor if i were you and tell the doc how you feel about not know what happened, they might be able to shed light.  My doctor did for me when i was really bothered over how my niece died and how she might have felt before hand. My doctor put me at rest with what she said.

 

sogovia x

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ksmith20

 

You say your friends dont' know what to say, all they need to do is listen.  Grief is a normal healthy part of life even if it doesn't' feel that way x

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@ksmith20. I had a very similar story to yours where you are the strongest and feel like tour holding everyone together. I lived with my brother. I also found him dead. Little did I know he was lying on the couch near me for hours when I thought he was taking his normal nap. This happened only 3 months ago. Every day is a new wave emotions it seems. I find keeping myself busy keeps my mind from wondering. He loved watching me play hockey, I finally stepped back on the ice for the first time. It was emotional but I felt amazing after. If you have that one thing you do where nothing is on your mind. Do it. Also feel free to msg me or anything. Similar stories and things can help eachother out

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I am in a similar situation! My brother passed two weeks ago, the day before New Year's eve. I found him dead in the bathtub in the bathroom of the apartment we shared together. He was alive and half-sleeping before I went to the store. I went to a nearby supermarket to buy us food and when I returned, I heard the water running. I thought that he was running his bath water like he usually does. I got suspicious when I heard the water running too long and he was in the bathtub laying on his stomach. He wasn't submerged in the water, but there was some water near his head but I don't know whether he drowned or was dead upon impact after falling.  It appears that he fell. He had a history of seizures and very violent ones. I instantly knew he was gone. I felt no signs of life. I had gone to the store for no more than 30 minutes. Cops came and coroner came and ordered an autopsy. Now, I am dealing with the torture of not knowing what he died of although I'm pretty sure it was of natural causes. I likely won't know for a few more weeks or even months. He took his medicine religiously and went to his scheduled doctor's appointments rain or shine. He very much wanted to get his seizures in control because he wanted to live more of  a normal life.  

Ever since this happened, I've felt my spirit broken. We were pretty close. I was almost like a second mother to him after we lost our mother to heart failure 13 years ago.  I just feel so lost. For the first few days, I cried off and on. Now, the tears won't come but the energy is not there. I feel defeated and my mind keeps saying 'what if". If I would have known that he was feeling bad, God knows that I wouldn't have went anyone and called 911 immediately. I just thought that he was sleepy from staying up all night. I dealt with severe depression before this happened, and now, it's like my depression is so much worse but I can't afford to take a break from work but I feel like a breakdown is coming on.

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Losing your sibling honestly feels like a lifetime of heartbreak. You’ve grown up together sharing priceless moments only for them to be gone on a random day. It’s something I’m still having trouble coping being that it hasn’t been a year since my brother’s suicide. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia during the pandemic and it was something I was ignorant about. I was unsure exactly what that illness entailed but I could see him slowly dying before my eyes. It made it hard for me to socialize and I gained so much weight after his passing. I booked a consoling session for next week hoping it will give me the tools I need to redirect my sadness into something more beneficial. It’s an internal battle but I try to honor him as much as I can because he was such a beautiful person. Holding everyone on the discussion board close to my heart. I pray our hearts to become more at ease. 

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