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In May 2013 my father was killed in a road traffic accident while out on his motorbike, aged 47. He left a wife, my sister, my brother and I. 

We had to deal with a criminal court case against the woman that killed him. I have no anger towards the woman (yet). In fact I don't really feel anything unless I'm asleep and then I feel like I'm crying hysterically in my dreams/nightmares, when I wake up I just feel empty. 

 

As well as the trauma of my father being killed only 6 weeks after, my nana also passed away in June 2013 leaving me without any grandparents. 

 

So after two funerals in less than two months, both were people I was very close to, I have been left with this empty feeling. 

 

This was intensified when my mother found a new partner in November 2013, basically leaving my and my siblings to accept it or not have her in our lives. As we didn't approve for various reasons (he was 14 years younger than her with a criminal record) I hardly speak to my mother anymore and when I do there is a lot of tension, anger and hurt. 

 

So now there is my sister (24), my brother (17) and I (20), we have pretty much no extended family apart from one cousin and auntie who we aren't very close to. 

 

I struggled with anxiety initially. I'm finding it very difficult to cope with the stress and demands of my university course as I can't seem to get motivated or concentrate for long enough to keep up with my work. We still haven't decided on a headstone and have the civil case to go through, as well as sorting through my nana's house. All of which will be especially difficult with whats left of my very deteriorated relationship with my mother.

 

I have been left feeling very alone and very empty, and just wondering when this shedload of hurt is going to come crashing down on me when the numbness wears off. 

 
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Amy,

I am very sorry about your losses. Have you perhaps considered professional counseling either alone or with your siblings? Many people who lose a long term spouse jump into another relationship because it's so very difficult for them to be alone. That's what it sounds like your mother has done. Let's hope your relationship with your mother can in the future be repaired when all of you have had time to deal with all of this.

 

In the meantime, talking with your siblings about your losses and your feelings is the best way to process what you all have experienced. The shedload of hurt doesn't have to crash down on you; while the enormity of all of this has been profound, you are continuing to deal with it little by little. Just take care of yourself. Perhaps you should consider lessening your load at the university? Can you take half of the courses or even one less? What are you studying?

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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I have been seeing a bereavement counsellor for about 6 months now but I have so much stress from the relationship with my mother that I find myself using up my sessions talking about that.

 

It's difficult to talk to my siblings about emotions because we were never raised like that. My mother suffered with depression when we were younger so I think we've all put up this wall not to show emotion in case someone sees it as a sign of weakness. That's the main reason I have been trying to find good bereavement forums.

 

I'm in my second year of a Law degree, and only studying 3/6 modules as they are the ones I failed as my exams were immediately after my dad was killed. 

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Amy,

Second year of law--wow! That in itself must be stressful. Do you do anything to have fun? Do you have friends? I know this may not sound all that helpful--but walking or exercise is a great way to deal with stress, lift mood and sort through problems.

 

While you may be using the bereavement counselor to talk about your mother--at least you are talking about it. Has she/he given you any helpful tips?

 

Our forums have tons of people on them who have experienced very similar problems. Many families absolutely are rocked and fall apart under the stress and strain of loss; however, in time, they usually can find ways to come back together.

 

Look around and read the posts from others; you may find some helpful advice. Also don't be shy about joining right in a conversation because most people welcome it.

 

ModKonnie

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I try to get to the gym as much as possible but I'm so snowed under with uni I hardly have any time at the moment! I do have a couple of close friends but I've got to the point where I feel like I'm always bringing them down by telling them how I feel. I've even reached that point with my boyfriend. 

 

The counsellor was useful at first, but as with everyone I speak to, after a while I put up a wall and stop opening up to them as much. 

 

I feel like I've tried everything, journals, meditation, etc, I just can't seem to find something that suits me and makes me feel able to open up enough. 

 

I'm constantly having to put my grief on hold because something comes up and consumes all my time. First it was sorting through all of the insurance, then the court case, christmas, uni work, more uni work, and now I need to start revising for my exams in May. Although I'm trying to put everything aside to concentrate it is extremely difficult. Grief is so intrusive. 

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Hi Amy,

 

First of all, let me say I´m really sorry for your loss :(

 

Your dad passed away a month after mine has :( I also struggle with emotions expression, so I understand what you mean by putting it "on hold", but that does not work with grief, it always finds a way to get out...

 

10 years ago when I was your age, I developed anxiety and panic attacks, all fruit of my bottling emotions, like you, my mom had mental issues since my brother passed away (before I was born) and having seen that, it made me think that getting out of control was sign of madness, so I tend to control myself hence the bottling up...

 

Instead of a grief counsellor have you tried a therapist? Therapy might help you with both grief and other unsolved issues. Don´t feel bad when you take your time talking about your mother, it always works that way, I always bring to the session my "latest problem", it´s normal, you feel hurt and lonely.

 

Instead of putting your grief on hold, you can try and let some of it out for sometime everyday, at first, before sleeping, I used to write to my dad while listening to some songs and cry my heart out for a while and then stop, I don´t know if it was the right thing to do, as I´m still on this journey, but at least part of it came out.

 

Hang in there and if you need something, text me. A big hug

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This might seem like a silly question but can someone tell me the difference between a bereavment counsellor and a therapist? I think mine may be qualified as both. 

 

I find it difficult to let out my emotions because I'm living in student accomodation, in a tiny two bedroom flat. I share my room with boyfriend who stays with me most nights, and my friend has the other room. When I say tiny, I really mean tiny, you can reach the bathroom door from the sofa. So I feel like if I need a good cry I'll be disturbing someone or making them feel uncomfortable. 

 

I haven't been sleeping well because the anxiety has me on high alert at all times, I hear every noise in the night so I never sleep right through. Also I have been experiencing strange dreams/nightmares where I feel like I'm crying uncontrollably and as if I can feel the physical pain of my grief. Has anyone else experienced this? Usually when I wake up from one of these dreams it totally spoils the following day with my feeling sad or angry.

 

Thanks for the support so far everyone, and I'm sorry for your losses too.

 

 

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Amy,

 

If you like to cry alone like me, it´s really hard on a tiny flat :(

 

Do you have a car or can drive to some place where you can be alone? I know we´re not supposed to force grief, but if you´re feeling you need to let something out, it´s best if you do it on a safe place as people that have a hard time expressing emotion don´t like to do it out on the open, I speak for myself, I always cry in the same place.

 

Your nightmares seem to me that you´re needing to let something out.

 

A bereavment counsellor doesn´t necessary have to be a psychologist, their focus is more on grief while the other has a more wide knowledge of the human behaviour in general, they deal with grief, anxiety, depression, panic, etc...

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I think that is why I'm struggling to let out my emotions. I don't have a car so I can't even go to the church where my dad is buried on my own. I don't have anywhere that is my own and that I can feel completely comfortable in. I can't even go back to my family home as I just feel anger towards my mother there. 

 

I kind of feel guilty that I have to almost force some emotion out of myself by listening to sad songs or watching sad movies etc, surely it should come naturally.

 

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with the social aspect of grief? I haven't told the people I work with what happened to my dad so as to not make them feel uncomfortable, but I just think that at some point it will come up and I will have to tell them. Also I feel like a lot of my friends feel awkward around me now, as if they're scared to say certain things for fear of upsetting me. Like I said before, I tend not to talk about my dad as much now because I feel like I'm bringing people down, I don't want to be 'the girl who always goes on about her dead dad'. 

 

My counsellor is a psychologist as well, I did some research and found out that she does both! 

 

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Amy,

 

I also do that of the sad songs and movies. With therapy you´re supposed to find out why you hold so much inside and become more emotional... But that takes time, so in the meantime you should do what suits you to bring your emotions to the surface.

 

Have any of your friends lost someone close?

 

A garden where you could be alone with some music could also become you´re "sacred place", try and find somewhere you feel comfortable if you needed to cry.

 

 

 

 

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