Hello, This is my first time here.

[laura97]

I was told about this site by my step-daughter and she thought it would be a good place for me to come and talk about my situation with my wife. I don't really know what to say. My wife passed away in Nov. of 2007. She was flown from our town down to St. Lukes in Houston  where she could recieve better care. Although the doctors kept telling me she was slowly improving, on Nov.12 they suggested the best thing we could do for her was to turn her machines off. She was flown down on Sept.11. There are so many things I wished I would have done differently. Although it has almost been a year it seems like yesterday that this all happened.  She was 47.

 

[armaiti]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved.  This is still really early for you, not even a year.  My beloved partner passed on July 28, 2006 and I still miss him every day. 

When Ishaq passed, my spiritual teacher told me to try not to make any major changes for one full year, for one full walk around the sun.  And another friend, who is Native American told me in their tradition the mourning period is seven years.  It is a walk that each of us must do in our own way.  I did things very differently, and still do.  I have what I call and "ancestor altar" that has Ishaq's ashes on it, a box with a lock of his hair, a rock from the river where he passed (he died of a blood clot - his heart stopped while he was laughing in the river.  He literally died laughing, which fits him really well.  And his name, Ishaq, means "divine laughter".)

Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve, or that you need to "move on".  This isn't helpful and no one but you knows what you need to do.  Watch for signs, dreams...Ishaq has visited me a lot over these last 25+ months, mainly in dreams, but he has left me signs as well.  The signs may only have meaning for you. 

This is a hard road to walk.  You have found a good place to come and share.  There's a lot of good folks here, from all stages of loss and all walks of life and all different beliefs.  I'm sorry you have had this loss that brought you to us, but we are here to help if we can.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[laura97]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I have had friends tell me I need to move on, but I can't even take her pillows off the bed. I sit around sometimes just thinking of little isolated incidents of times I came home from work and walked up to her and put my arms around her or times that didn't mean anything at the time but mean so much now. I feel as if I could have pointed out to the doctors certain things about her health she might still be with us. She had an artificial heart valve split which she had about 7 years. But we were focused on the cancer she had developed over the spring and summer. Her heart rate would be around 110 and when I questioned a nurse about it she gave some reason I don't even remember. Now I wish I would have pressed them on it. These next few months are going to be hard for me and her family to get through. She was in a Houston hospital from Sept 11 till  she passed on Nov 14. Her family and I are planning a trip down there on that day. I don't know if that is a good idea but I feel real close to her there.

[trishinca]

I am also a newcomer to this site.  I lost my Tom January of 07.  His cancer was in remission, but complications from his chemotherapy set in, and them it was one thing after another.  I also thought from time to time I should have questioned the Doctors more, especially towards the end.

During Tom's treatment, he was sent to a larger Medical Center, Stanford, that is about 100 miles away from us.  I have thought about visiting the area again.  I have fond memories of being there.  He had a bone marrow transplant, so much time was spent there.  We were hopeful then.  Anyway, I would like to here how your visit back goes.

Also, Anna, your posting is helpful.  Tom didn't die laughing, but he didn't know he was dying when it happened.  I know he wasn't scared at the time, he just wanted to sleep.

Trish

[aprilmoonflower]

hi there!  so glad to see you here. I was the one who referred your stepdaughter here through another board we belong to. I know all of us here can relate to what you are going through. I hope you will keep posting as it really does help. we have a great support forum under "I miss him so", it's mostly women with the occasional man, but you would be very welcome to post there if you wanted. (it's a little more active than the widowers thread I think)support is so vital during this time. it's so difficult, I know.

I'm glad to see you reaching out and if you ever want to chat please don't hesitate to message me. you can also message me on yahoo with the same username (aprilmoonflower) if you need an ear.

~April

[aprilmoonflower]

I also wanted to post this poem. it helped me alot during those early days and months.

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.

I told you I wouldn't leave.

My memories, my thoughts are embedded deep in your heart.

I still love you.

Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.

I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~

these are the places I stay with you.

My spirit rises every time you pray for me,

but my energy comes closer to you.

Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard,

the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,

I place our memories for you to see.

We lived in our special way,

a way that now has its focus changed.

I still crave your understanding

and long for the many words of prayer

and good fortune for my soul.

I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,

I watch silently.

Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world

to make you notice me.

Impressed by your grief,

I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.

You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.

My soul is now healthy.

Your love sends me new found energy.

I am adjusting to this new world.

I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.

I am with you wherever you go.

I protect you,

just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.

Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.

Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.

Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~

I see you with my new eyes.

I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.

This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.

My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had

when we were together in the physical sense.

You owe this to me, but more importantly,

you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.

I am with you because I love you

and I am in the Light.

- Unknown

[rodless]

I love that poem. It helped me a lot in the first few months...still does!

[laura97]

Thanks for shareing that poem. It was really nice.

[bdzack]

Thank you so much for posting this poem.  Of course I cried, but they were good tears.  I am also new. My husband passed away February 11, 2008, 7 months ago.  He gave me a "big hug and kiss" and got in his truck to go to work.  I found him about 20 minutes later as I was leaving for work. Keys in the ignition, but truck not started. They said the heart attack was sudden and over in seconds. The hug and kiss are significant because it wasn't a quick peck that often times happens when you are married for nearly 13 years as we were (are). I cried alot in the beginning, and still do mostly on the weekends.  I read the postings on this site often. Thank all of you for sharing from your heart, I know all of you are going (or have gone) through the same grief I am.  I am encouraged with your poems and postings they have given me strength to believe I will get through this.  I will share more later.  I just wanted to say hello and thanks to all of you for your messages from the heart. 

Bdzack

[ruby1983christine]

I understand well about looseing the one u loved to cancer.

I lost my Harrison on the 6th of march of 2008 he was 54 years old he had a bad fight with his cancer, it won he lived 7 months from the date he was told he was dyeing.

i was with him to the end and it took a tole on me mentally i never dealed with someone dyeing before, it messed me up for a long while. I miss him still but u never really get over it.

he was my bestfriend, companion .

this a cool place to be on these are cool people that understand where u are coming from, will help u with ur situations to make things better.

just take one step @ time with ur loss

sincerely, melissa

[ruby1983christine]

I am sorry about ur loss that is a scarey feeling i am sure? to walk out and find ur "love" gone to the "lord" that way he may knew something and he may not? did he have health problems?

mine i lost the 6th of march of 08 and he knew something was wrong before he told me, then when i found out it was too late to deal the cancer had made it through his body, then we didn't have insurance either so he couldn't get medical treatment @ first.

@ least ur husband wasn't on the road he was still parked that saved a lot of lives, problems.

i feel he died loveing u a lot.

mine died he knew for a while i was in the room

until he slipped into a coma, then he was gone

i had to have mental health treatment for a while because i couldn't deal with his death.

we will carry our loves with us for the rest of our lives.

if u wish to talk just  send me a message , we will chat a bit. melissa

[bdzack]

Hi

 

 

Saturday was 8 months.  No, he was not ill before he passed away.  He had high blood pressure and was a borderline diabetic, which he was controlling by his diet and he was on medication for the blood pressure.  This had gone on for several years.   If he had any pain or sign before hand I am sure he would have mentioned it that morning.  I believe the Lord just called him home.  Before I was ready for him to go, but he absolutely did not want to be disabled, going quickly was the way he wanted to go.  So God answered his prayer, I know God is looking out for me and guiding me in handling so many things. 

 

Bdzack

[susanbruce]

Hi, your husband's story sounds very much like my husbands.

He had not been ill, only high blood pressure, which they were controlling with medication. Then one afternoon, major chest pains, nausea, sweating and thirst. He had a heart attack on the way to the ER to get checked out. Just like that.

Cause of death was atherelocis. I know I'm not spelling it right. It's build up that goes on in your arteris for years and you don't know it. It's often called the Widows disease. First sympton is usually death.

Friends and paramedics tried to revive him but he didn't respond at all. He didn't have oxygen to the brain for so long, even if they had revived him, he would not have been the same. He definately would not have wanted to live anything less than what he was.

It's been 2 1/2 years. Today is our 29th wedding anniversary. I stopped at the cemetary on the way home and left him a card.  He lets me know now and then that he's around, he gives me signs that he knows that I'll recognize them as him. That is very comforting.

You've come to the right place. So many people, so many broken hearts. We all know where  you are at. It's hard, worst thing that you'll probably ever go thru but you have to live, you have to go on and not give up.

Susan