Loss my mother, now struggling with father dating again

[allykat812]

Hi, 

 

I loss my mother in September 2013 after a long battle with breast cancer that metastasized to her brain. She was only 54. In January my dad started having a new 'friend' hanging around and while I want him to be happy and be able to have a life and move on since he is only 53 years old, it is very difficult for me to be around him when she is there. I am just learning how to deal without my mother and now I feel like I am losing my father to this new woman. I am 28 years old and an only child, so until now the 3 of us were very close and now I feel very alone. Any suggestions on how to best deal with accepting your surviving parent who is moving on? 

[amy30893]

I lost my father in May 2013 in an RTC.

 

My whole family went on holiday in October 2013 and my mother had become permanently attached to her phone, constantly on facebook messenger talking to a man she had met online. When we got back from the holiday she went to meet up with him without telling anyone, me and my sister found out but didn't mention anything to her as we thought it was innocent enough. A couple of weeks later she went to meet him again, without telling anyone where she was going, we were on the verge of calling the police to report her missing as she had not been answering her phone all evening and noone had heard from her for almost 9 hours (strange considering her new found attachment to it). Our worries were justified given that her new man has a criminal record.

 

After all this the relationship my siblings and I had with my mother began to deteriorate. She started keeping secrets from us when previously she had been completely open and honest about her every move. My sister and I are both adults and live in our own homes, however my brother is 17 and still lives in the family home. This only became an issue when my mother started staying over at her new boyfriends house, now it has got to the point where she is out 6 nights a week, leaving my teenage brother to fend for himself. 

 

We discovered that my mother had lied to us about a lot of things, she had sent messages online cheapening herself, making her look desperate and with a complete lack of self respect. After this it was difficult to see my mother in the same light. 

 

This situation gradually got worse, during the first Christmas without my father, my mother was more concerned with getting out of the house to see her new man than spending time with her family and supporting them.

 

The point of all this is that now I rarely speak to my mother. In the 10 months since my father's death, our relationship has been destroyed. 

 

It is extremely difficult to deal with as it is almost like grieving for two parents instead of just one. However the difference with our situations is that you want your father to be happy whereas none of my family approve of my mothers new relationship. 

I asked my mother to keep both aspects of her life, her boyfriend and her family, separate. As that was the only way I could see myself growing to accept it eventually.

 

My bereavement counsellor always says that I don't have to 'accept' the relationship, I just have to 'tolerate' it. For me I cannot tolerate it, but that may be just because I have been raised in a way where I am not afraid to stick to my opinion. 

 

What I am trying to say is I believe what has happened to my family is probably the worst possible outcome of a parent moving on. You are at a stage where you can prevent that from happening! 

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

I do not have a parent that had moved on myself ally, but I would also be very annoyed and wary, and my father passed 4 years ago. Its hard to accept change..that's a contributing factor to death. The loss and change is scary and a huge burden to hold.

I believe, although we are all here for the same reason, we each cope in a different way. Including your father. I stand by a belief that if its meant to happen, it will happen. Your dad could really like this woman or it could just be him yearning for the affection that he had for his wife. Its easy to instantly turn your head from it, I probably would too.

but try to have an open mind. That lady could be the best thing for you guys or the worst. But you won't know unless you keep an open mind.

After all, you also yearn for what your dad does again too. So maybe being on the same page as him as this will be better for you mentally, than against. Cause it could turn out to be a wonderful thing.

Its a long road to hall.. a long confusing bumpy road. All we can do is try to make it a little more bearable for ourselves.

Good luck and best wishes ally!