Does anyone else have anxiety?

[kaijajanestaley]

My daughter passed away from lymphocytic myocarditis (a virus attacked her heart) on May 22, 2013.  It was completely unexpected and there was nothing we could do to prevent it or save her.  Needless to say, I am lost without her and miss her horribly.  She was our only child.  I am able to deal with the sadness as best as I can but the anxiety I feel everyday, especially in the morning, is unbearable.  I wake up every morning and realize that Katie isn't here and never will be with me again.  Heaven seems so far away.  I get panicky, can't think straight, get confused, etc.  I make myself run every morning which seems to lessen the anxiety and I am also on Celexa to help.  I quit my job as a preschool teacher, but my husband works full time so I spend a lot of time alone.  Alone time is when the anxiety is at its height.  I try to fill my days with praying, volunteering, coffee chats with friends and walking my dog.  Does anyone else feel this anxiety?  What did you do about it?  Does it last forever?  Thanks so much.  

[justinlsmom]

Hi newbie, Anxiety attacks are all part and parcel of losing one of the most important people in our lives. I suffered from huge anxiety attacks for the first couple of months, I thought I was dying, I was so scared, when they came I couldn't control them, they overwhelmed my entire body, over time the became less and less and now a year & half into this, I rarely get them and when I do I am able to talk myself out of them for the most part. I find keeping busy helps, I hate being alone inside my head, I need to be constantly doing something, I cannot sit quietly and think, the night times are the worst, I alway read till I fall asleep and if I wake up, I pick up my book and read again until I fall asleep, it can be incredibly exhausting, some nights I break down and take a sleeping aid just so I can get a proper nights sleep. Take care and I am sorry for your loss. xo

[Matt1313]

HI Newbie,

Like Justinlsmom, I too try to keep busy to control my anxiety attacks .Being alone in the house is the worst. Your mind starts going in overdrive  then you go into this dark place in your head which makes it so hard to get out. Personally, night times are the worst  for me . It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up every 2 to 3 hours struggling to get back to sleep. I think of Matt, his life, what could of been, what SHOULD of been. I think of his beautiful smile, his warmth and his charm. How funny he was and how proud I was of him. Sometimes I relive his last few months, how sad and terrified he must of been. How I wish I would of told him more often how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. Matt died March 20th,2012,exactly 1 month to the day of the birth of his son Markus. Matt's birthday was last week, March 13th.He would of been 30. There is not 1 single day I don't think about him, part of me died the day he died.I am broken now. I have had many losses in my life, but to loose a child is the very worst. Grief never ends, it only comes in waves now...

 

Someone once told me to always ride the wave, you don't have a choice. Don't try to block it off otherwise it will only get worse. Ride it....let it go through. The waves will eventually come farther and farther apart and you will be able to feel the warmth of the sun...again...and begin the other half of your life.

 

Take good care of yourself,

from one heartbroken mom to another,

God bless x

[shellykut]

Hello Newbie - I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my 29 year old daughter in August of 2010 to leukemia. Anxiety wasn't part of my grief journey until last year. You and the others are right, it takes over your life. It can be debilitating. I found a website where people can post called anxietynomore. It was started by a man who wrote a book called At Last A Life but I can't remember his name. If you google it you will find it. I hope this will help you. My prayers to you.

[credwi88]

I really need to vent. I hope God puts the right person to read this post. i'm 49 Christian mother of three boys, oldest son in heaven, middle is 28, youngest is 24. i'm a grandmother of 2 precious babies.

Married. for 30 years. My oldest son, Halston, was born with heart defects ( although was completely normal lead a normal active life until about age 17)- he died at age 21, after a long horrible battle with heart failure and many surgeries and was up for a transplant but did not get one.

it's been almost 8 years now. 

it is very VER VERY hard! I hope only the right person reads this I don't want to scare anyone. the things my son went through I wouldn't wish on any worst enemy. it was awful.

it was years and years of awful. and I was right along there with him. sometimes I just need to vent and I hardly ever talk about him but lately I need to talk.

i'm not saying it will be like this for everyone but going through all that has taken it's toll on me. and no one understands but another person who had gone through the same thing.

Even my husband and my closest sisters can't understand, it's taken it's toll on my health my personality; I many medical problems; anxiety depression; sometimes it is so horribly hard!!!!

I guess that's all I have to say. 

God bless. please email me back if you can & please say a prayer for me.

love, Chrissy R.

credwi882002@hotmail.com

[wooglin905]

Hi Newbie,

 

I just started down this path myself, so bad that the darkness has been taking over.  It's only been 6 weeks since my daughter died and I never had a chance to see her grow.  Her mother miscarried in her 7th month for reason we still aren't sure about and might never know.  This was my first child and just the thought of what she might have been...The days have been the hardest since her mother left.  My heart pounds through my chest, my ears are ringing even as I type this.  My path has started by letting people know I am hurting, grieving, sometimes to the point of paralysis.  Mornings are the worst for me, but the rest of the day is coming in a very close second.

Tonight will be the first time I have been alone in weeks.  It scares me.  The thoughts in my head are just overwhelming at times.  My doctor has told me to talk to people, any people.  Let a friend know you are this hurt and might need someone in the middle of the night to just talk you through it.  I asked a friend who lost a daughter in 1995 and it took her a couple of years to find her place.

 

Good luck to everyone trying to find that place of solace and comfort!  Hopefully I will find that someday.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I really need to vent. I hope God puts the right person to read this post. i'm 49 Christian mother of three boys, oldest son in heaven, middle is 28, youngest is 24. i'm a grandmother of 2 precious babies.

Married. for 30 years. My oldest son, Halston, was born with heart defects ( although was completely normal lead a normal active life until about age 17)- he died at age 21, after a long horrible battle with heart failure and many surgeries and was up for a transplant but did not get one.

it's been almost 8 years now. 

it is very VER VERY hard! I hope only the right person reads this I don't want to scare anyone. the things my son went through I wouldn't wish on any worst enemy. it was awful.

it was years and years of awful. and I was right along there with him. sometimes I just need to vent and I hardly ever talk about him but lately I need to talk.

i'm not saying it will be like this for everyone but going through all that has taken it's toll on me. and no one understands but another person who had gone through the same thing.

Even my husband and my closest sisters can't understand, it's taken it's toll on my health my personality; I many medical problems; anxiety depression; sometimes it is so horribly hard!!!!

I guess that's all I have to say. 

God bless. please email me back if you can & please say a prayer for me.

love, Chrissy R.

credwi882002@hotmail.com

I am sorry for the loss of your precious son. I have read many people's stories about grief...some seem to be able to push forward better than others...

You are welcome to our thread Loss of an Adult Child, some people on it are longer than 10 years...

Another author I can think of is Dennis Apple, he and his wife do grief counseling, he was a pastor when his son suddenly died...

His book is:

Life after the Death of my Son

Sending prayers and hugs...

[trentsmom]

Im so sorry for your loss. I have depression and anxiety....had them before trent passed on june 11 2013....since then I have been thru many many panic attacks....sometimes ten a day. .....I see a dr and a therapist and things have got some better.....I hope you find some peace.

Kristy

[mwruby1]

Hello Kaujajanestaley,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.

 

I am actually on this site because I am finding it difficult to cope with my mother's death, so I find this site helpful to vent about how you feel without being judged. Your topic caught my eye because I am suffering from anxiety. You are so right about it getting to you the most, when you are alone....at night before I go to sleep is also awful for me... All I had was my mother, so it is extremely rough for me. I have a sister who I am not close to, my dad died 3 years ago, and I do not know my dad's or mother's family. It was always just us....  I am currently on medication to keep me calm, but when it wear off, it becomes so diffcult for me, so I wonder what my life will be like without the medication... I don't want to be medicated forever. It's like the medication somehow numb my feelings... I do find myself praying more as well, which seems to help until I feel the pain again. Have you thought about therapy? 

[bethree5]

>>after a long horrible battle with heart failure and many surgeries and was up for a transplant but did not get one.
it's been almost 8 years now. 
it is very VER VERY hard! I hope only the right person reads this I don't want to scare anyone. the things my son went through I wouldn't wish on any worst enemy. it was awful.
it was years and years of awful. and I was right along there with him. sometimes I just need to vent and I hardly ever talk about him but lately I need to talk.<<

Dear newbie 3/2014,

I so can relate to what you are saying. In fact it makes me wonder if maybe the reason I am so stuck in depression, 3.5 yrs out from my eldest son's death, is for lack of anyone to talk to about the illness that killed him. You must be an incredibly strong person to have gone through 8 yrs of it... my Georgie's final illness, w/all the emergencies & hospitalizations, was only 2.5 yrs. He had a rare autoimmune illness that made itself known briefly at 9mos, then louder at 3y.o., then a diagnosis at 10y.o., but we were always assured it was a mild version & wouldn't get worse. It flared like the devil when he was 20 & killed him by 23. But that was not his only illness-- he had 2 episodes of manic psychosis in his teens, requiring psych hosp, & much of his travails were caused/ aggravated by what the drs call being 'brittle'-- which basically means he could tolerate few medications (even OTC), & the ones they trialed him on caused extreme side effects (e.g., med-induced parkinsonism). In retrospect it's easy to see that each of the 2 psychoses caused a big flare-up of the autoimmune disease (Reiter's Syndrome)...  Perhaps the worst part of it, as a parent, was that little was known or understood about either illness; drs could hold out hope that maybe it's 'just bipolar' & 'just arthritis'--  but meanwhile you see your kid spiraling down, down, & no matter what they say you have this helpless feeling of dread.

 

RE:  YOUR ANXIETY.  Of course I had tremendous anxiety during the yrs of my son's illness, but they are gone since he died. But I have some insight into this. I went thro a trauma much earlier due to a serious auto accident. During the following yr I experienced symptoms which seemed like a combination of ADHD & anxiety, & gp sent me to a shrink. Testing showed me to be experiencing clinical depression.  It turns out anxiety is just another symptom of this. In  my case it was physically caused (I had internal damage from the accident which caused a clot-thrown in a major artery, similar to a stroke; 90%+ stroke victims have depressed brain function, i.e. clinical depression).  I suspect that 8 yrs of emergency-level anxiety, followed by the trauma of losing your eldest, might have a very similar result.  I have had much help over these yrs from a combination of grief counseling (talk therapy) & an anti-depressant [what works best for me is the type which boosts both serotonin & dopamine].

 

God bless you & best wishes. 

[bethree5]

 I get panicky, can't think straight, get confused, etc.  I make myself run every morning which seems to lessen the anxiety and I am also on Celexa to help.  I quit my job as a preschool teacher, but my husband works full time so I spend a lot of time alone.  Alone time is when the anxiety is at its height.  I try to fill my days with praying, volunteering, coffee chats with friends and walking my dog.  Does anyone else feel this anxiety?  What did you do about it? 

 

 

Oh my gosh Newbie (I am a newbie too, started forum today).  I am so SO sorry for your loss. I am a preschool teacher too-- but I have always been free-lance enrichment (I teach foreign language to small children)-- & also different in that my eldest suffered illness for 2.5 yrs before he died, so I pared back my assnts & eventually left teaching for a full year, but have been able to build my business back up in the 3 yrs since he died. My husband is away for most of the week so it has been a real challenge. I have 2 other boys, but George died just as the nest was emptying (the other 2 away at college).

 

If it weren't for the wonderful feedback from little ones [teaching] I don't think I would be here today. Every minute I am not with them is down (except of course when the remaining family is together, but that's only once every couple of months)-- & every minute I'm not teaching (except on wkends w/hubby) I am a depressed mess-- I don't take care of my house or myself, although after 3.5 yrs since George's death I'm starting to surface a bit...  I do not even run as you do & am only beginning after all this time to try to connect to friends w/whom I ran/walked etc.

 

One thing I have done to stay sane-- I am a singer, & 6 mos after George died I added another choral group commitment to 2 I already had, so that too has kept me going...

 

Is there any way you can get back to being involved with preschool kids?