Miss My Mom, Two Years After

[k.damir]

I am a motherless son. March is especially hard month for me because it was the month when my mom passed away. My mom passed away two years ago and I still miss her. I do not think on her all the time, but her presence and my sorrow because I lost her is always somewhere in my mind.

I would like to talk with other guys, to try to diminish my hard feelings...

[MissuDad]

Hi K.damir,

 

First of all let me say that I´m really sorry for your loss, having a parent dying is awful, it really shakes you to the core

 

It´s been almost a year for me and like you I don´t think of him all the time, but there´s always something lurking inside my mind, I don´t know if the same happens to you, but there are days I just feel bad and don´t relate that to his passing, but most of the times, if I dig deeper, I feel that part of it, it´s that

 

You´re on this journey for longer than I am, so I can´t really give you big advice, I thing all we can do is cling to hope so that someday we´ll feel normal again.

 

Feel free to text me

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

hey k,

I'm sorry for your loss.

It said you only wanted to talk to guys, so ill keep it short.

What you feel is completely normal. She shouldn't ever leave you. You'll always want to remember her, so hold on to that image that stays in the back of your mind.

I hope you find the peace and comfort you seek.

Chelsea.

[k.damir]

MissuDad and best wishes, thank you a lot. At the beginning, I have to emphasize that I am not a native speaker of English so excuse me for any grammar mistake.

 

My mother was the cancer survivor for five years. Doctors detected her cervical cancer in 3c stage. She went through the radiation therapy and chemotherapy (the cancer was inoperable). After three years, doctors detected malignant changes on one of her lymph node and she went through the new round of radiation and chemo. The chronic neuropathic pain was the result of these aggressive therapies. During the summer 2011 the cancer in the right lobe of her lungs was discovered. The doctor told me that cancer was inoperable and incurable. She underwent the radiation therapy and the first results were excellent: there were no malignant changes. Unfortunately, three months later both lobes of the lung were affected with cancer. She started to receive chemo, but her body was full of toxins from previous chemotherapy. Her heart could not endure this treatment. Her sudden death was the result of massive infiltration of malignant cells in her bloodstream.

 

Her death was shock for me. I was broken both in the physical and the emotional sense. She died in the hospital and that was happened during the night. I was not with her.

 

My mother was full of positive spirit. We really talked about all aspects of her disease but we made many cancer jokes too. My mom was so full of life and positive thoughts. She was really fantastic mother and I know that all people affected with cancer are fantastic. She is my hero but all cancer patients are heroes too!

 

I and my dad were her care givers. I commute to my job, because I want to be with her and to help her in any possible way. I still commute because I want to be the support to my dad. He is 66. I do not feel that I endanger my freedom in any way because I still live in my parental home. I have a successful career and a long term and stable romantic relationship. So, I live normal life, but very often I feel the emptiness and very often I fill that some holes in my sole cannot be filled. I know that I will deal with this situation as long as I am alive. I go very often to the cemetery. Visiting my mom’s grave eases my burden.

 

best wishes, I appreciate very much every kind of support here. When I mentioned guys, I did it because very often the process of grieving of men is different because of “social chains”: men should not cry, they have to be strong, etc. If I talk about my mom and our close relationship, some would say: oh, the example of Oedipal complex. Or some other stigma crosses their minds. I know that very well because I am a psychologist and know the whole repertoire of interpretation of other psychological statuses. But, I stand by a principle that every person has its own unique psychology and that is not so easy to generalize everything.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

I understand, k.

I was just offering words of comfort and but didn't want you to feel uncomfortable doing so since I was female and you prefer to talk with men. That's how I am..I want to comfort everyone. I'm currently looking for a new grieving site cause I feel I have trouble connecting with people here because I am more of a comforter than a listener and I understand how it can get in the way of others grieving. I wish you the best in your journey though good luck to you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

[k.damir]

best wishes, since I like your words of comfort, I hope that you will be active here whether you find some other web site or not.

 

Just for the record: I am not uncomfortable talking with women, I just wanted to motivate guys to talk and share their experience. Your words are welcome in any topic I open or discuss.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

I know some people do .. but i also know some don't. I've had three different people that I've talked to on here in the year and a half course of joining the site who clash with my personality because I am too comforting, encouraging, nice. Ect. And I can completely see how it can irritate people, especially with some of their losses being so recent. I'm four years out and I am as content and happy with life as I can be. I do have my days dont get me wrong, and I do not have a perfect life, no one does..but I am happy. And I want to make others happy .. so what helps me most is comforting people. Its just who I am. Sometimes its a good thing, sometimes it can be over the top. Lol I'm just chelsea. But the more I hear it the more I feel like a bother..and I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Especially when most I meet are so new to all this cause I remember how I was in the beginning. I wouldn't have wanted to talk to a happy-go-lucky do-gooder at the time either. I'm torn because I enjoy this site. And because a lot of other places require adobe flash player lol and my cell phone isn't that tech savvy. A lot of people think I go MIA for months, but I actually mostly come here to read others thoughts and expressions and I just sign in anonymously cause I don't feel need to talk much I don't tell people cause then I feel creepy lol i 'm always around I I just don't make it known..and I've noticed when I do make it known I become more of an annoyance. its okay. Thank you, k though. I appreciate your kindness. I'm only here anyway cause I'm asking someone about new sites ect

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

See ..lol over the top comforting. I'm reassuring you that its alright for absolutely no reason cause I just feel need to constantly reassure. Point made.

[k.damir]

See ..lol over the top comforting. I'm reassuring you that its alright for absolutely no reason cause I just feel need to constantly reassure. Point made.

[MissuDad]

Hi,

 

I think both positive and negative input is needed here, negative helps us know we´re not alone and positive gives us hope that one day we can get there,,,

 

I think at times like these, hope is the only thing that keeps us going, at least I speak for myself, I´m not religious, I don´t have a long-term partner, I still have problems sleeping, no family support system, I only have a few friends and some hope that eventually I might regain some joy in life.

 

I drag myself to the gym, to yoga, to work, to go out, to redecorate the house, to be with friends, to therapy, etc... I only find pure relief while listening to music or watching a good movie.

 

This all just to say that having someone here who found happiness after hitting rock bottom is encouraging

[k.damir]

Dear MissuDad, I agree with you about negative and positive inputs.

 

Yes, the hope is very important (not just in a religious sense, because I am not religious too). It helps me in my everyday struggle with life. We all have to handle not only our grief but also everyday challenges. Sometimes I have impression that I cannot bear all problems that life brings. Like you, MissuDad, I try to find escape in some good movie, TV show or book. I try to lead a normal life, although it is not easy. One day I function OK and the other day I fall into a bad mood. Two years after I still miss the quality of the relation I had with my mom. It is easier now then two or one years ago, but still it is not easy.

 

Reading your posts, I find comfort. Although we are strangers, our experiences bring us together. It helps me. It strengthens me.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

Missu,

I do yoga too. Mostly restorative...but I haven't in a week because I'm waiting for my new mat to come in. My wonderful feline of terror used my last mat as a scratching post.

I'm not happy about it.

Fun fact of the day

[k.damir]

Maybe I should start doing yoga too.

[ChelseaRaeMiller]

Its very relaxing, k.

[Ravenstar]

Hi k,

 

Another woman commenting; I hope you won't mind..

 

That must have been h*ll for you to go through with your mother. My own mother's passing was very quick in comparison; but it was very hard on me too.

 

Something I heard in a grieving workshop:

How long does grieving last?

Answer: 2 years and the rest of your life.

 

This is true for me. It'll be 2 years in July for my mother; but with all the work I've done on grieving, I have hardly begun. I can see that now.

 

I hope you can meet some guys who aren't fixated on the Oedipus Complex. Those guys are idiots, in my opinion. I honour your love for your mother.

 

[k.damir]

Thank you, ForRavenstar. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Yes, I agree: grieving lasts 2 years and the rest of your life.

[MissuDad]

Yoga is indeed very helpful, it won´t make you feel brilliant, but it gets your mind off death for a while.

 

Chelsea, when I have no mat, I use a towel  I´ve been doing it everyday for the last 6 months, only had 2 days off when I got a cold. I do diferente kinds of exercises depending on my mood, if anxious, for anxiety, if sad, for sadness and always to help me sleep...

 

If you need some exercises, let me know