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Frustrated with too much loss


canvasbreeze90

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canvasbreeze90

I don't know where to start but I do know that I need to get a lot off my chest. I need help. I am currently in grad school at the moment. Just last week I had to return to my hometown to say my goodbyes to my grandma who passed a week before that. Her and I became absolutely close during my years at college. The reason why? I had lost my mom (her daughter) during my senior year of high-school to lung cancer. My dad died during my senior year at my undergrad, and my brother one month after graduation.

I am utterly at lost here, being that these were the only people who I was really close to. I have older siblings, two sisters. But, I have never been able to get along with them as they are excessively jealous, dangerous, and angry all the time. My mom and my grandma trusted my sisters to do the right thing, to help them in their time of need...but they didn't want to. My oldest sister physically fought my mom and disrespected her all the time, made my mom pay her to take her to her chemo sessions or to the hospital. This sister did the same thing to my grandma as well. My other sister was granted power of attorney over my grandma, but she had never been concerned with my grandma's health until then. In fact, she always talked about how she couldn't wait for my gma to die so that she could move on with her life.

Now mind you, both sisters don't have any income...jobs or that matter, but they we're very successful in the past. I am the only one that has graduated from college and gone to graduate school. My sisters have been angry at me for this reason, because they feel that they had given their lives away to raise their kids and to help my mom and grandma out. They also grew very resentful of having to care for my disabled brother who passed. However, I just remember growing up....that my mom did all of the the work by herself...My siblings are much older than me by the way, by twenty...thirty years.

I could understand their anger in that regards, but I have been feeling quite alone in this journey through grief and loss. My sister who was granted POA blocked me from seeing my grandma while she was in the hospital, she didn't include me in making any of the funeral arrangements and so forth. A bunch of crazy, petty mess.

I decided to attend my grandma's viewing instead of the funeral, because I wanted my time to say goodbye to her to be special. I wrote her a very long letter about my favorite memories together, my frustrations with not getting a chance to see her, and all of these things. I left behind two rings and a handmade bracelet that she liked of mine.

I don't know....I'm just feeling angry and disappointed in this situation, feeling that it's not fair that I won't get the chance to talk with my parents, my brother, or my gma anymore. I feel hopeless, empty, and just emotionless? I am angry at my family for abusing my mom and my grandma (physically, mentally, and verbally) I am angry for having to watch this vicious cycle unfold for my entire life. I am angry that I could not do anything to help solve the situation, or to find the courage to speak up when things weren't right.

I will write more, but this is enough.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Danielle, I am so sorry for your losses...grief is a very difficult journey...It was so thoughtful that you were able to leave your grandmother some gifts of love behind...and that you wrote her that special letter...I was very close to my grandmother as well...she helped to raise me.

 

Perhaps it would be good to find a grief counselor in your area if you could...my own daughter is seeing one and it is helping her...it is important to find someone who has experienced loss firsthand, the counselor we see lost her husband, her infant son, and her mother and dad...

 

Sending you prayers for strength and healing...

 

Jesse David's Mom, Laurie

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canvasbreeze90

Thanks Laurie for your reply, I truly appreciate your kind words of encouragement and resources. I am checking out counselors and support groups in my area. It's kind of hard, I'm away at grad school for the moment...my schedule is so busy! But with this recent loss (my grandma)...I definitely realize that I need some major help. 

 

I hope all is well with you and your daughter. 

 

Sending love and warmth  :)

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Danielle.  You certainly have a plateful.  The anger isn't helping you feel any better about your grandmother passing.  I appreciate your sadness and difficulty.  The best thing you can do for your mother, grandmother and family is continue on your journey of self improvement.  That's exactly what your loved ones would want - and it will also be some come-uppins for those who didn't want to share.

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It sounds like you are so angry at your sisters. No one else. And you have every reason to feel that way. They stepped in your way. I would be just as angry, How dare someone prevent you from seeing your relative. I am sure your mom, brother and grandma knew that you loved them very much. They are proud of you. When you get angry at your sisters, think of how they feel. They are wasting all of their energy on being jealous of you, What a waste of life. You are so much more productive in life. And yours is a healthy  one. Yes, for sure talk to someone. It is a lifesaver. Your sisters, well, you dont need people like that in your life.. They suck the life right out of you. Your a smart cookie. 

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"Too much loss"  

 

I get that story.  I had three years in a row of heart wrenching grief and it was all around Christmas Season.  

 

2005 End of November, I lost a friend/coworker/supervisor.  He was not even a year older than I was (38) and he died of a brain timor.  Christmas that year really sucked for me. I think I grieved more of losing what could have been than what I actually lost. 

 

2006: Dec 30.  Lost my Oma (my Dad's mom) She was 97 and couldn't even remember me in the last year.  I grew up with her on the same farm and in the last years of her life, she lived with my parents so we got to be with each other a lot.  She was the only grandmother that I really had.  My other grandma died of lung cancer when I was 7... don't remember her much.  

 

2008 Jan 28:  The third strike.  Dad died.  Stomach Cancer.  I had moved back home in November 2007... just in time to be with him and Mom during the whole decline.  He was 75.  I was 39

 

There are no rules and regulations for grieving.  All I know now  that each journey is unique.  This forum is an awesome way for people to come and let out all those emotions.  

 

Feeling alone is always part of the journey.  I alienated myself from my sister when Dad died.  I was there doing all the things I was supposed to do.. but I couldn't cry with her.  

 

I think this forum is a blessing for people who feel alone.

 

My advise... keep writing and be honest with your feelings. It is safe here and It is healing.  And then one day you will find that you can reach out and put an arm around someone else... because you have an idea of how they feel.  That will be one less person that has to feel alone on this journey of grief.  

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