there's no one like your parents

[tuxkeeper]

So it's been four weeks now since the sudden death of my dad.  My sister, brother and I have been grieving deeply.  This has been the worst month of our lives.  Mom died 15 years ago, and now that Dad is gone too, we are having a hard time coping.  It's like, I'm not only grieving for the fresh loss of Dad, but grieving all over again for Mom.  I may be 32 years old, but that's not too old to need and want your parents.  I am trying to take joy and comfort in the other important people in my life...certainly my daughter, who is almost a year and a half old, gives me joy.  My boyfriend, my family, my friends, my cat...of course I can take comfort in them and love them, but it still doesn't erase that deep sorrow I have over the losses of my parents.  It's like there is this huge, gaping void in my life now, and nothing can fill that particular void.  There is no one else in my life who took such interest in me as my dad did, and it's so absolutely stunning to think that I will never get to talk to him, share a story with him or have a laugh with him again.  Your parents are the two people who care about every aspect of YOU, they take an interest and a delight in everything to do with YOU, they care more than most people do about YOU, and when they are gone, it's such an enormous loss in one's life.  There's just no one quite like your parents, even when you are a grown adult.  No matter how many other people of importance there are in your life, your parents fill this vital and crucial role in your life.  Sometimes I don't know how to cope, thinking that I will never get a chance to spend any more time with either of them.  There have been several things in the past month that I have heard, or read, or seen on TV that I thought to myself, for a split second, "I gotta tell Dad about that" and then it all floods back to me that I can't do that ever again.  Maybe it will get easier with time, but I think that I will always feel a deep sense of loss.  I think that eventually it will just become a part of me, a part that I don't much care for because I would much rather have just been allowed to watch my parents grow old, instead of dying at young ages.  It's very hard to make sense out of any of this.

 

[DianeS]

I know exactly what you mean.  My dad died a year ago this past week and my mom died about 18 years ago, when I was 35.  When my dad died it opened up the old wounds of my mom's death, as well as that of my youngest brother, who died just nine months before my mom.  I didn't expect it to happen and was caught off guard by it.  In retrospect I it makes sense that his death would trigger memories and emotions from those other very difficult losses.  I'm not in my 50s and I still need my parents.  I don't think that need ever ends, regardless of our age.  It is like suddenly our anchors are gone.  I have two remaining brothers and we are close, but we all feel the void very deeply.  Time does help, as you know from your mom's death, but the longing to have our parents never goes away completely.  There are so many things I still want to share with them. 

Take care,  DianeS

[melanier]

Hello to you both. I lost both my parents to a freak accident on 31st May this year, and it just leaves such a gaping hole. It is so hard to believe that I am never going to see either of them again, that I cant just pick up the phone and chat with my mum when i get in from work or want her advice or just a chat. I miss them both enormously, but I am finding it difficult to cry. I have just become a sad and serious person. It-s wonderful to find people who understand what I-m going through, as you have all been through the same thing. I look forward to chatting to you and getting to know you, to sharing stories and supporting one another.

Melanie

[DianeS]

Melanie,

My deepest sympathy to you in the loss of both parents.  Bless your heart.  I can only imagine what that must be like.  I lost my youngest brother (age 29) in an Air Force plane crash just nine months to the day before my mom died after a 5 week battle with lung cancer (non-smoker).  Losing both of them so close together was devastating.  I cannot even guess what it must have been like to lose both parents on the same day.  You know, there was a time after my mom and brother's deaths where I just shut down emotionally.  I think I was afraid that if I let myself cry I'd never stop.  Also, the grief was so intense that I just felt like I couldn't do it.  I remember my brother saying he did the same thing and he also said it was like he was so emotionally and physically tired from the grief that he just couldn't do it anymore.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Over time we've grieved greatly, but I think with my mom it was in bits and pieces because it just felt so big to go through it again after the first loss of my brother.  Our mind sometimes does what it has to do just to get us through the days when the loss is so recent and raw.  We are changed forever when we experience great loss.  But...the one thing that I learned from my mother in her last year of life was that even in the midst of terrible grief we can still find joy in life and in those we love.  She grieved so deeply for my brother, but still found the strength to live life and take joy where she could find it, even while she was battling for her own life.  I feel like it is a gift that she gave each of us.  

Memories are so precious, yet they hurt so much at first...and often for quite awhile.  I pray that you'll find the peace and comfort you need to continue to move ahead, one day at a time. 

DianeS 

[tuxkeeper]

Melanie, I'm sorry that you lost both parents at the same time.  Even though I too have lost both parents, at least there was a 15 year gap.  I can't imagine what you must be feeling.  This site, and others like it, are great for support and understanding.  I have a book that I bought last weekend, it's called "Always Too Soon" and it's by a woman named Allison Gilbert.  It is a compilation of stories told by people who have lost both parents.  Each story in this book is a little different, and in a lot of ways, it is helpful and comforting to read.  It doesn't take away the pain by any means, but I guess in an odd way it helps to know that others understand your pain and confusion and sorrow.  Thanks for sharing your story with us, I know how hard it must be. 

[melanier]

Thankyou both for your kind words. it does help to know there are others out there who understand. I dont have a home pc at the moment so am doing this from work, hence I must be brief. I am having a good day today, there are good days and bad days for all pof us. It is difficult being in a different country to the rest of my family, but I do have a good network of friends here who support me. Thankyou for sharing with me.

 

melanie x

[debra1212]

I am missing my parents everyday. My Mom passed away seven years ago, and my Dad just passed away ten months ago. I also lost my brother six years ago. I am handling all of this alone, and although I have some family members scattered about, and close friends that try to support me, it is not like having my life anchors around. I am now in my early 50's and feel like an orphan. I knew this would be difficult, but I never understood how difficult it would really be when both parents were gone.

I am now planning their interments and memorial service, and it is so hard, because I don't want to let go of them. I just want to let go of the grief, and want to keep the memory of my parents close to my heart and in the forefront of my mind as long as I remain on this earth. They meant the world to me, and now my world is shattered. I sometimes feel like this little insignificant dot who is lost in a sea of people, and cannot find her way back to a secure and happy existance.

[socal2010]

[user=35160]debra1212[/user] wrote:

I sometimes feel like this little insignificant dot who is lost in a sea of people, and cannot find her way back to a secure and happy existance.

I feel that way too. The two people who loved me more than anything are gone. I really don't matter in the world anymore. For my Mom I was practically her whole world. It's so hard living without parents. I used to feel safe and secure and I felt that life would be okay. The future seemed safe. Now I feel none of that.

Both my parents died suddenly so to have to adjust to that is so hard. It's like a punch in the stomach. My Mom has only been gone 1 month. It's been the longest and most painful month of my life. I need her so much. I'm so devastated that I won't ever get to see her or talk to her again. I got involved in a church group and they keep saying I will see her again, but I want to see her HERE ON EARTH. I need to talk to her. I just feel so lost without her.

People tell me I'm relatively young and I could still have a family if I wanted to, or get really involved in work or traveling, but I feel that anything I do in the future will always seem empty without my parents here. It won't matter as much because they wouldn't be here for me to share it with.

[angel44]

social me to why bother having a family now is how i see it

[butterfly13]

I feel the same,I too have lost both my parents,they both died relatively young-in their 50's.It is the loneliest feeling ever!The year before my mom died,I decided I would try to have a baby(as a single woman),my clock was ticking.My mom was soo supportive,she was so happy that she might become a grandma,but things never worked out,and than she wasn't feeling well,and quite suddenly died.I put all plans of having a baby out of my mind,I just can't imagine doing it now without my biggest support system-my mom.It has been a year now since my mom died,and I haven't changed my mind,it would just kill me to have a baby now,knowing that not only will my dad never see it,but now my mom would never see it either.:X

[debra1212]

Butterfly,

I know how hard it is to be without your parents. But, I wish that I had a child. My Mom used to tell me to have kids. She would say that she didn't want me to end up alone in the world, and now I am alone. Oh, I have some family and great friends, but the closeness and pure love that I had with my parents seems to be gone forever.

I'll bet your parents would want you to have a family, if that is what you want.

[debra1212]

Socal,

I understand that you need your Mom here in the flesh. I hate it when people say things like "you'll see them someday," or they are with you. Sometimes I think others don't know what to say, or how to say it. I think most people are uncomfortable with the subject of death. Sometimes I do feel the presence of my parents, but there is nothing like hugging them and telling them how much you love them. I understand how you feel.

[angel44]

so true

[tanmanmymagicman]

wow; that really caught my eye; you are so right; no one to love you, have your best interest; always there for you....Your parents; I can't believe they are both gone.....I never thought they would ever die; I never thought about it until it happened........Today has been a hard day for me.........But its called Living among people and life........I lost a son 2 years ago.......and now its just get through each day and find something to be happy about......

Missing my Tanner; Cindy; and my Mama;

[debra1212]

So sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult to lose a child. I cannot imagine. Grief is certainly a strange animal. Sometimes you want to hide and be away from people, and other times you want to be around others and get involved in life.

I think it is true that when we lose someone, the empty hole remains forever, but at least the pain from the grief does ease up as time goes on.

Take care of yourself! And, know that you are not alone in your grief.

Cheers,

Debra

[tanmanmymagicman]

thank you very much.....for caring......

cindy; Tanner's mom;

[debra1212]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I just lost mine as well. My Mom passed away  7 years ago, and it feels like yesterday. My Mom and I were very close and I was also close to my Dad. I don't think that the emptiness in my heart will ever dimish. It is sometimes difficult to handle life without the two people who REALLY CARED about me. Sometimes I feel like a lost puppy.

I know that I will always miss them and that hole willl remain, but over time I think the intense pain of grief gets a bit easier. I find comfort with my close friends and my cat Milo. Milo loves me unconditionally just like my Mom and Dad.

I must say, losing loved ones is the hardest thing in life. It certainly puts things in perspective. Hang in there, and please know that you are not alone.

Cheers,

Debra