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Marriage Issues


el-john

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Billysmom and Momsbabygirl – How can we have a perfect marriage when we lost someone that is so important to us? Billysmom, you are correct, many marriages do not survive the loss of a child. I think that it takes a strong marriage and a lot of understanding to survive this. We (in my marriage anyway) think the other isn’t grieving correctly, or working too much or not enough, doesn’t pick up enough, sleeps too much…many things that you would have put up with prior to the loss now irritate. After the loss of our daughter my husband had to travel a lot. He would be gone almost 2 months and then home for a week or two then gone again. This went on for more than a year…I don’t know if this helped or hurt our marriage…but it seemed to work. I was resentful at the time, thinking we needed to be together during our grieving…now I think that maybe it was the best thing to happen.

Momsbabygirl-I think that it is pretty normal to feel ‘disinterest’ in your husband at this point. The good thing is that you recognize it right now and can work on it.

Tiger – each of us needs to do the best for ourselves. I am not in your shoes and can only give my thoughts as I best see a situation. Obviously there is more to your situation than you can right in a paragraph. My only thought is that a marriage takes a lot of work from both sides. You both need to give and take…not just you.

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Hi,

I lost my best friend in the entire world to The Station Nightclub Fire.

It will be 3 years this Feb 20th. Here it is..... I talk about my best friend so much that it is starting to affect my relationship and friendships.

What should I do?

-Annie

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I think I know what is wrong with my husband I don't think he has any feelings any remorse for how other people feel he is a very mean and hurtful person. He wasn't always this way but the last 4 years he has been. he said some things so mean to me that I can't belive he didn't think how it was going to make me feel. He is so mean and even to my children we were gettting along until he started being mean to my son cause he hit my nefew i agree he should of been punished but he is only 3 and the way my husband punishes is so wrong so i got in the middle of it cause what mother wouldn't well then he came after me he didn't hit me but i thought he was going to well ever since then we haven't benn getting along and he say it is because i always have somethning to say every time he disaplines the kids well who wouldn't i believe you can puinish a chils without leaving a mark spank them but only on there butts he don't he picks them up by there clothing and smaks them in the face when he bites someone that is so wrong they are only babys and i don't belive that is right we are from up north but live down south now and people down here believe in the whole smanking thing well i was punished when i was a kid but not like that and he is not going to do it to my kids does anyone agree with me it is wrong. well i am writing today for areason it is about my kids they are 3 and 4 well this morning they got out the house when i wa getting sick in the bath room i had to call off work because i am sick well i looked for an hour for them and had everyone in the whole nieborhood looking for them i almost called the police well come to find out the were right around the corner with some older boy they are not suppose to be with and herd everyone calling them but didn't answer well i don't know how i am going to punish them they are in thier rooms and will stay there the rest of the day well i don't know if i want to tell my husband because i am worried what he will do well someone is going to tell him any ways so i need to tell him soon before they do i know what he is going to do he will blame it on me well it is my fault but this kid they were with came and got them and where they were my kids would of never known about the place but i don't care if he blames me i am worried what he will do to my daughter cause he is real hard on her. if anyone has any advise on what to do or even any advise on what to do to punish my kids for something like this please let me know.

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momsbabygirl

tigerz:

The only advice I can give you is to leave...it's not ever going to get any better with him and you've got to break the cycle of abuse. I know it's easier said than done, but you've got to think about your kids and how miserable their lives are going to be if they grow up with an abusive father-figure. I got spanked on the backside a couple of times as a child, but my parents would have never thought of hitting me anywhere else. The violence is going to get worse as they get older and bigger and chances are good, they will grow up to be abusers too. Very few abused kids grow up to be non-abusers. You and your children deserve better...no one deserves to feel worthless or to be afraid all of the time.....there really is no other advice that I can give you other than leaving him and making a better and safer life for you and your children...if not for you, then definitely for your children.

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Well I haven't wrote in about a week well looks like noone has. I want to thank momsbabygirl for her advise and I haven't left yet but things has changes I quit my job to be with my kids more and my husband is working alot more so less time for him to be with us so his attitude is better and alot has to do because he got this job its a big one and will keep him pretty bizzy so that is a start. I know we have more to work with but me being with my kids and now with me having more time I can do more with them and beable to take better care of my house witch also makes my husband happy because when I was working I wasn't able to do alot because I worked alot now it will be better and I promise if this isn't the answer and things don't get better then me and my kids will leave just please stick with me and I will keep you posted. Thank you, Tonia

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Tonia,

I'm still worried for you. This seems like a very temporary fix to your problems. It sounds to me, and this is just my opinion from what I've read, but it sounds like your husband really wants a maid and chef, not a family. If being home with you and the kids gets him upset, what will happen if he loses his job and he is forced to spend more time at home? Won't the angre and abuse issues resurface? You say you left your job. Will less money coming into the household cause him to be angry because he can't buy things he wants when he wants or if bills can't be paid on time, will he get angry? What will you do on weekends when he is home? Just put up with his abuse and outbursts?

I have to say, that you leaving your job saddens me. For most women in abusive relationships, the only way for them to get out with their kids is to make money from their own job. I feel that by leaving your job, you may be backing yourself and your kids into a corner that you may never be able to get out of. Please keep in touch Tonia....my thoughts are with you....

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Dear Tonia,

What a sad, sad situation to be in! I'm from Tennessee, and let me assure you, his type of discipline is not a southern tradition nor do most normal people from the south (or anywhere else) condone, endorse, or agree with him, to say the least. NO ONE should have to go through what you're describing. I understand you're saying the situation is better now with him being gone a lot, but please stop to think about the bigger picture. I couldn't have expressed it any better than momsbabygirl has. I hope you will seriously consider everything she's said. Please get out of the situation you and your children are in now so all of you will have the opportunity to live a normal, happy life. At the very least, get a plan together so you can leave quickly with your children when that need arises (and I think it will). There are probably shelters close to you that could help. The chances of him changing his behavior are so slim, and life is just too short to have to live like you are.

Sometimes, we get complacent in situations, and after awhile, they even feel "normal." I remember when I first moved to this house, I used to hear the trains at the tracks nearby every night. It was a new sound to me. Now, I sleep through it but not because the noise is any less. Just because I'm now used to it. Please don't ever get used to this abuse. You deserve so much more!

Please let us know how you and the children are coping. Take care...

DeeAnn

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Dear Tonia,

My advice to you is the same as everyone else's -- get another job, then GET OUT of there. As a child of an abusive father, who never even hit ME, but beat my late Mother, even until they were elderly, I can't tell you how that background has ruined so much of my life. I will always carry the many scars this created. Verbal abuse is even worse, frankly, and your husband does both. I asked my Mother when I was only about 9 why she never would leave with us kids, and she told me because my father said he'd hunt her down and kill her. Do you know what this kind of household DOES to a child? I still wish she'd left him. I hate that man to this day and as he lays dying himself now in a home, not one of his remaining children ever visits him -- there's no love lost there. His abusive ways just got worse as the years went on, and he ended up ruining my dear Mother's death, just as he ruined all of our lives. Both of my brothers ended up capable of violence, too -- I was smarter and luckier and have had to base my life on doing the OPPOSITE of everything my father did, and stood for.

For the sake of your dear children, if not for yourself, get out as soon as you have another job and a plan in place as to where to live. There are, I'm sure, state agencies that can help you with a plan, if you look for them and tell them of your situation. Don't let yourself or your precious kids become yet more statistics. Your children, and you, deserve MUCH better than this! Don't ever give in to any feelings of worthlessness -- that's just a trick men like this use to keep you where they want you...under THEIR control.

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Hi TONIA:

My eyes couldn't help but fill with tears as I read your posts. Honey, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. YOUR BABIES ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. This man is NOT a man. His emotional and physical abuse he displays are NOT LOVE. I'm not condemning you for staying as you have, because I have witnessed much of the same actions in some of my family members, you feel trapped. Just think of it from this point of view. IF he hurts one of your children, he may let you take the blame for it, if the authorities become involved. Three and four year old children should NEVER be handled as you have described. NO CHILD should. The only way you will have a better life is without him. PLEASE Listen to what SWEDE shared with you. She knows because of her own personal experience. She told you she carries the scars. Don't allow that for your children. There are agencies and programs that can help you get out of that situation. If you're afraid of his actions if you leave, be more afraid of his actions if you stay. You have to take a stand. I'm very concerned for you. Also, is there a local church, a minister, priest or pastor that you can turn to, to help you find these agencies, if you don't know how to find them? My heart breaks for this life you trying make it through. There is a better way of life and you ARE worthy of having that for you and your kids.

You're in my prayers Tonia.... Please don't wait too long.

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I got a question.

Three years ago on Feb 20, I lost my best friend in the entire world in

The Station Nightclub Fire. I feel so lost.

My question is this...

My fiancee tells me all of the time to move on and live my life and

stop the crying.

How do I do this when I don't feel ready?

How do I keep myself for building up resentment over this?

It's rather hard to see an 18 year old friendship and bond being

lost by a fire.

-Annie

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Annietina220,

I am single - so I just want you to know I am not married-I probably am not one to respond to this, but I do know grief. I have lost a lot of people in my life, suicide, cancer, age. Some people have been there for me, and some have not. Your fiance needs to be told (sometimes from another family member works) that everyone grieves in their own way, and on their own timeline. It is good you are crying, and not bottling it up if crying is how you deal with it, that is OKAY.

You should have a calm discussion with him, and explain to him that you need his support right now, and that will HELP you get through this horrible time and the heartache you feel. I know it\'s hard but even if you reach out to others, that may be more supportive - that may be another avenue to try. Or print out some info. from this site on grief and how people grieve and ask him to read it with you so that you don\'t end up resenting him.

I do hope this helps, and remember it is okay to cry!!!

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Hi Tonia;

I am new here and been doing a little reading here and there. I came across your letter here and my heart goes deeply out to you and your family. Tonia you need to get strong and pack up and go home to YOUR family. They are your backbone and your strength right now. Your husband will not change til he gets good help and realize he is a danger to you and himself. Go home Tonia and let the stars lead you to the wisdom and independence you deserve. Be glad you have your health to make choices.

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Hello this is Christine. I have written here a couple of times. Its been almost a year since my husband and I have had a miscarriage. Thingswere going well for a while but now are back the same. I came off sick leave in October and took until about after christmas to feel normal. I have a question. I have been back a work for a while and give my husband money every week to help out with bills and car insurance and stuff. But he won't put the other car in my name until i buy it off him. Today we were supposed to go to a funeral and he went without me just like he went to his familys for xmas alone. Its seems as soon as he gets the money hes' rude and changes to a different person. I stayed with my sister before xmas for 3 weeks because of the emotional tension we were going through and started 2 jobs at the end of January. But now the job isn't going to well and im thinking of looking for another one. Im tired working 2 jobs. But as soon as i mention quiting he gets really rude and says im lazy (in so many words.) I need some advice. Im thinking of leaving permanently this time. Is your relationship based on whether you have moneyor not!

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kayleym,

I'm sorry to hear things are so rocky for your marriage right now. I can't really give any advice other than to say that life is way to short to go through it in a relationship that shouldn't be. Is there a way you might could get some professional marriage counseling? Let us know how you're doing...

DeeAnn

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Guest Guest

Im new here I dont know how to start a new thread . So forgive me if Im doing this outa turn . I'm on my 2nd marriage .I dont know what is the matter with me this is the 2nd time I have gotten a man who likes to drink ( to much ) This one went to rehab got out early said he had a bad feeling about me thats why he did it . I guess he was right . Iv never been what you would say " HAPPY " . I tryed killing myself , ya I failed at that to . I am going to Docs for that & My other pains from being hurt at work . I was just wanting to know if I am just being dumb or if there are any other people out there having the same troubles as me please dont think I;m looking for a pitty party . Just needing help with my thoughts

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ribitsmom

Guest: The first step to a healthy marriage is being OK with yourself. You need to think that you are the best person in the world, you need to love yourself. Re-read what you wrote and see if you read what I read...that you are not ok with you. You need to take whatever steps you need to be happy with you, then you need to work on the marriage. If there is abuse, get out now, and work on it from a distance.

This particular thread I believe is meant for couples that are having trouble in ther marriage due to a loss of a loved one or child, if that is not the case for you, I am sure you will get much support here, but there may also be other places that you could look for help.

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Hello,

We have had requests on the suggestion board for something that people can wear to show they are grieivng. We created a pin and a braclet to let people know that we are remembering the ones we have loved. You can see them at http://www.redjetmedia.com/pins/special.htm. In the future we can make a pin that might say remember my mate or honor my memory. This is the first in the series to see if these items appeal to people in helping them honor the memories of their loved ones.

Kelly

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It has been over over a year since I have checked in on this site, mostly because life has been rebuilt. This site helped me out so much during the early weeks & months of my grief journey. My loss took place in Oct. 2003 when my wife died due to complications from leukemia. I have two young children (boy, 5 and girl, 8). My question today is about the problems faced in considering a new relationship, specifically in my case a relationship where the woman already has a child. The problem, which has now become a deal breaker type problem, is that her daughter, who is just about the same age as my daughter, does not like the idea that she will lose so much of the closeness she has with her mother. Their special love for each other is becoming ripped apart by the three of us newcomers. It seems to be the only issue that will prevent our friendship from blossoming. But, it is a huge issue. All else is completely in place, and our love for each other is immense. I was wondering if anyone else has gone down this road or can offer some advice. - Russell (in GA)

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Russell - I can't speak from experience but also can't let you put that question out without acknowledging it. It sounds as though you have met a woman that you would like to have in your life. I wonder, if things progress slowly, will her daughter come around to loving you and your children also? And of course, how do your children feel about her and her daughter? It sounds as though you watch DR. Phil too (deal breaker was a tip), and when I have watched his program I have seen that the children are the MOST important in your lives and you can't disrupt her daughters life in a bad way...but it is also not fair that the two of you can't have a relationship due to this...my suggestion is to win the little girl over...time is probably all you need.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Russell, because children think differently, she may be feeling rejected and abandoned by her mom because of her love for you. If I may be so bold to offer this suggestion, try taking her out, say shopping (a girl's favorite thing) at the mall, and let her be a girl. This is the most difficult part of being dad, letting girls be girls in our presence, and fussing over them in the "dad" roll. I came from a family with "steps", which is why I have a feeling she'll grow to love you and accept you as you spend time with her one on one, in the father roll. I'm happy to hear you have met someone so special, and that you both love each other and are so happy. May God bless you with happiness for the rest of your lives.

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forbetterorworse

I have a similar yet opposite situtation. The man I am dating is a widower whose wife died 4 years ago. He has a 12 year old girl and 8 year old boy. The boy has completely embraced me, but the girl seems very reluctant to let me get close to her or her father, as if I am breaking up their unique friendship, and stealing away his time and affection. They have had a very close relationship since her mother died, with the girl almost being a psuedo-mom in some cases.

I feel like I'm being cast in the evil stepmother role. I have been very patient with this, trying to develop a relationship with the girl, but it doesn't seem to be working. And it is certainly not the case that I am taking up her father's time--I seem once every 2 weeks at best, though we do talk a lot. I think it is the father's role to make clear his love for her, while also setting some boundaries by kindly and gently asserting that he chooses to spend time with me, which does not diminish his affection for her. The father dismisses my concerns, which I think is a bad sign. His anxiety about their relationship--not wanting to disappoint his daughter at any cost-- makes me think that he is not yet ready to be involved with another woman. Any ideas?

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ermai93 -

My only experience with this is a college friend who after her parents divorced, she and her siblings wanted nothing to do with the new woman in their father's life. Their father sent them to therapy when it was decided that he was going to marry this woman. Twenty-some years later, they still dispise this woman. There was no changing their minds that this woman, her kids and the new relationships being formed within the family were not what they wanted.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to deal with a situation like the one you are facing. After losing her dad, she may feel that her mom is all she has left in this World and if she lets go of even one moment of time with her, she might lose her forever too. Maybe you and the woman could see a therapist together...if you think this relationship is worth it, it might be worth a visit or two....good luck!

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I got a question.

Three years ago on Feb 20, I lost my best friend in the entire world in

The Station Nightclub Fire. I feel so lost.

My question is this...

My fiancee tells me all of the time to move on and live my life and

stop the crying.

How do I do this when I don't feel ready?

How do I keep myself for building up resentment over this?

It's rather hard to see an 18 year old friendship and bond being

lost by a fire.

-Annie

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Hi,

I lost my best friend in the entire world to The Station Nightclub Fire.

It will be 3 years this Feb 20th. Here it is..... I talk about my best friend so much that it is starting to affect my relationship and friendships.

What should I do?

-Annie

I know it is hard to lose a friend and so young. The fact that it has been 3 years and you are still grieving so hard marks a problem. My suggestion is to some greiving counseling and maybe other counseling as well. This should not be the center of life and if it is that is a sign there is a problem.

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staystrongsomehow

Hi. I am new to this forum and I want to begin by saying my heart goes out to all of you. I have lost many people in my life, but this has been the hardest. My father passed away September 8 in my arms. I cared for my father for 4 years before he passed. I am 32 and just found out that my husband of 3 years has been cheating since about 2 months before my dad passed. He claims I wasn't there for him and was too busy with my dad. I feel terrible. I just lost my dad, who was my best friend, and now I'm losing my husband to some one who HAD more time. This is the second time my husband has cheated. Should I try to save my marriage, or just give up like so many people do? I should mention I have a 5 year old little girl from another relationship, but he passed away when she was 2 months old, due to an accident. I'm worried about her...I don't want her to think men don't stay around in life, whether they die or leave. What should I do? Thank you.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Staystrongsomehow, I'm so very sorry your dad has passed over. The issues you write about are so deeply heartbreaking. My marriage almost ended in divorce, for much the same, but we had no idea how difficult it would be to rebuild our marriage. I have said this to many people who are separated, and trying to reconcile, to love is one thing, to trust completely another. Give yourself time by yourself to think this through, every aspect of it. Your little girl doesn't need to see this pattern in men, but she also needs to see that men don't show you disrepect. Caring for your dad for so long wasn't what separated you, it is what shows the great love you have for your dad and your husband. I don't want to tell you to turn to the left or right. This choice is yours alone to make. I'm willing to tell you more of what happened during my separation if it helps you in your quest for wisdom. For now, please feel free to write, to ask, to complain all you want or need to. This is why we're here. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Hi everyone I am new here. SO I will tell a little about how my marriage began falling apart:

My husband and I got married on 27 Oct 04. A happy day. My sister died on 10 Nov 04. A sad day. I was devastated, I had no idea how to deal with this. My husband was comforting, and yet somehow he managed to tell me, that same day, that I have to move on now. Im thinking, what, are you crazy?! Because of how my hubby was raised, he doesnt see death as sadness just a way of life and u cant be sad beause of it. Yes death is in the cycle, but how can anyone expect an individual to just move on that same day that my sister died??? Its insane. He may have not meant that I must move on starting from that day. But I found it highly inappropriate to say. My sister's death was so unexpected that I was stunned with pain and even more so with betrayal when my husband considered his words a comfort. Since that day I cannot trust him. I have never been able to open my heart and emotions to him, esp about how I feel regarding my sister. He says I shouldve let it go, he says it was long ago why am I still holding grudge about wut he said? Im not holding grudge, but I have a great and strong fear that if I open up to him be will betray me again.

Our marriage was too quick, we were still are too young(got married at 19, only 21now) and along with many other issues, I know that since that day, our marriage has fallen apart.

We are separated now and I am planning on divorce. But we talk about the issues that has led us up to this point. One of the issues I need to talk about is the day my sister passed on. How can i have him understand that what he said to me that day did major damage?

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alwaysmyjennifer

nafina, I am so very sorry your sister died. You don't need to hurry your grief here. This is YOUR time, YOUR sorrow. Take your time here, and heal. We are all here because we've all lost someone we love, and we help each other in their journey because we care. I am also sorry that your marriage is failing and your husband chose to be insensitive to your feelings and needs while you grieve. Grief is deeply personal. We all grieve in our own way, and no other person has any right whatsoever to tell us how to grieve, or to infringe upon our grieving in any way. You must do what you believe is right concerning your marriage. I won't pretend to be an expert on marriages (I've been through my share of problems). I will tell you this, though. If you should choose to reconcile your marriage, you will find out quickly that regaining love is easy, but trust very difficult (a constant struggle in my life since reconciling with my wife). He may never want to hear what you need to say, want to say. He is on a lifepath, and you are on your own lifepath. He can't walk your's and you can't walk his. If he chooses to listen to you, then you've gained his confidence. If not, you already understand what lies before you. I hope you feel like you are safe and welcome here, and can come here and write anytime. We're here to listen, to help, to share our time with each other in the journey of healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you, for all you need, and peace. Mark

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Nafina - I'm no marriage expert either, but when I read your post and you said you married too young it caught my eye. I was not quite 18 and my husband only 20 when we married and we've been married 38 years now. I can't believe all you have gone thru, your wedding (a joyful time) followed so closely by your sister's death (a sorrowfultime) followed by not being able to connect/talk about your feelings with your husband. I hope the two of you are able to think back on what drew you together and then possibly find a third person that the two of you can talk in front of to moderate the conversation and that you'll be able to share exactly what you are feeling and hopefully be able to save your marriage. I'm so sorry for your loss of your sister and I hope that it is not followed by the loss of a marriage. Take care.

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Momsbabygirl,

I am not sure if others posted back to you, but I wanted to tell you that although my experience is not exactly the same, I think I know what you mean. I think I pushed my husband away after my dad died because I was scared of losing my husband. I was feeling dependent on him, when I used to be a very independent person. If I could lose my dad....then I could lose my husband too and that was overwhelming. It is a horrible experience to loose a parent. For some, they are what make us feel loved and secure. Without that there is a big gaping Hole. I was a daddy's girl.

I think your anger and irribility is part of the grief. How have you and your husband lately?

Mege73

I lost my mother this year. I kept myself so busy for the first few months that I can't even really remember them. Within the past couple of months however, have begun to feel angry and annoyed with everything about my husband. He is the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and loves me more than anything. It just seems that everything he says or does annoys me now. I was sitting at work one day when out of nowhere, a thought came into my head...."do I even love him anymore?" I was so shocked that I could even think that...there hasn't been a reason to not love him. We recently went on vacation and I can honestly say that I didn't have a good time. I spent a couple of days feeling so annoyed and being mean to him. I can't help but wonder if it's the grief that is making me feel this way or some underlying feelings that I never realized that are now coming out. He asked me a couple of weeks ago if WE were ok. I told him "I don't know". He asked if he did something wrong and I told him that he didn't. He's mentioned lately that I've been mean to him. I don't know why I'm pushing him away like this. I wonder if I just need a break to sort things out, but am so scared to even think of being on my own and can't imagine the pain it would cause him and our families. Is this some sort of normal part of the grieving process or is this a totally separate issue??????? Has anyone else here experienced anything similar to this?
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Sylviac - Just read your post and stopped short when you said your dad had Parkinson's. My dad had it as well and I lost him Feb 16, 2001, but more importantly, my husband was diagnosed with it 7 years ago (young onset PD) and I totally agree that no body seems to say you die from the disease...however, it claims a part of your body each and every day until you do die from the complications. But your here to ask advice on another issue, and I'm so sorry that you and your fiance are having a conflict. I just recently saw on tv that a study was done and it was shown that men and women process emotion differently (scientist have finally said what we women knew all along)...but it stated that men do not process emotion at a level anywhere near the way a women does. All I can advise it that you be trueful with him and let him know you are trying to move on as he's asked but you are also going to slip way back every once in a while...and you would like him to try to continue to be the rock is has been in the past even if he doesn't understand...and as far as getting to know the children, there will be time to do that when you feel better able to handle it, whenever that may be as there is no timetable for missing a loved one. I have to admit that what caught my eye was your remark about Parkinson's killing you....I've been there with my dad and now I'm enduring it with my husband and all this now without my mom. I've rambled on enough... please take care!

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mofirefly--I am sorry about your husbands diagnosis. I was my dad's primary caretaker esp. in terms of medical matters and decisions. I am, even now, very interested in Parkinson's diesease as my mom's friend was just diagnosed last month. So, please write to me if you want to discuss anything about it and how we handled it.

I am dealing with the relationshipe issues better. Thanks for your response.

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jackiewitter

Hello all.

I am struggling with a different issue. My husband was indirectly related to my brother's death. Even though I don't blame him, I still feel that he and I should see someone. Is there a way to convince him that he should go with me? It's been 5 months, but I don't feel any resolve. There are things I want to ask my husband but cannot. I now am at a point where I am starting to think of leaving because I know that I have to heal myself. We have 4 children ranging in age 18-26, it would crush them. There are additional issues surrounding my brother's death that are far too many to discuss, and they are all so tangled that it's gets hard to sort through. I just don't want to lose my marriage along with this. The loss of my brother was hard enough. Thanks for any advise you can give.

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ladyhitchhiker

My problem is that we rushed our wedding so that way my husband's father could maybe be at the wedding. He had stomach and lymphomic cancer. They gave him a year the month we got married. We had already lost my husband's daughter in February, and my mother wasn't doing that well with her heart so I pushed for he wedding so that way SOMETHING happy would happen that year. Wally's dad died three hours before we were married. I guess that's the only way he could be there, but how am I going to be able to ever make it a happy anniversary for him when it rolls around? He's quite grief-stricken whenever our anniversary rolls around. I try by making the anniversary of our getting together bigger - which is a month and 18 days later - but is this going to help him or make it worse?

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Ladyhitchhiker - I like your idea of celebrating the date the two of you got together. When you stop to think about dates, they are just numbers on a piece of paper..so picking a number that you feel will be less painful is terrific, and would show that you realize the date of the wedding has (for now at least) been overshadowed by the loss of a loved one. Sounds like you have quite a lot on your plate. Take care!

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Jackiewitter - It seems that when there are crises things can fall apart that shouldn't. Please try to find some support for yourself and the issues you are having even if your husband doesn't feel he needs to go with you. You need help in dealing with all the feelings you have so you can start mending. I myself don't feel you should leave your marriage because I don't feel you can be seeing/dealing with everything clearly enough just now. If you feel you can't ask your husband some things, you should try to find out why you feel you can't...and again that possibly means getting professional help. Please take time to heal from your loss before you do anything that would cause you anymore pain. Take Care.

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ladyhitchhiker
Ladyhitchhiker - I like your idea of celebrating the date the two of you got together. When you stop to think about dates, they are just numbers on a piece of paper..so picking a number that you feel will be less painful is terrific, and would show that you realize the date of the wedding has (for now at least) been overshadowed by the loss of a loved one. Sounds like you have quite a lot on your plate. Take care!

So when it comes to our wedding anniversary, should I just be like: "Happy anniversary," and then make a nice dinner for him? I don't want to lessen the importance of our wedding because it was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life, but I don't want to overwhelm him either. If you haven't figured out yet, I'm a worrier. &)

I also try to make all the other holidays - other than Valentine's day which is when we lost his daughter - really big because he really likes the whole holiday thing and gets into it... do you think maybe celebrating Sweetest Day instead of Valentine's Day would help him?

I'm not saying I don't grieve, but I grieve on the whole as an everyday thing more than he does. He grieves more on holidays. He blocks it off until he can't not block it off anymore. (Yes, I'm mapping our grief process .. I realize men suffer from depression differently from women and so I try to overwhelm him with assurances, to make him feel more at ease rather than resorting to drinking.)

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ladyhitchhiker

Also another issue I have is that my husband refuses to get excited about anything anymore. He says there's no point in getting excited and making plans after losing his daughter, because life can change in a second. I told him I can't live that way. Especially in regards to my novel I'm trying to get published. He said he'll only get excited when the check's in the mail. I need his support all the way! I'm doing this partially because of LeAnn. She would be disappointed in me if I didn't try to get the book published. How can I help him with his grief? It's not that I don't hurt - I do - but I can't live my life without trying to have hopes and dreams. It's just not me, and I can't really believe it isn't him. What do I do???

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4everjoeysmom

Dear LadyH, As hard as it may be to do, you have to go on living with hopes and dreams despite your husband's cynicism. If you allow his attitude to affect you in such a way that all he sees from you is frustration and negativity, desperation, etc, what kind of example will he have to see that there are moments in life that still make it worth having hopes and dreams. He can find healing in your example if you can stay focused on the positive things in life. That's the best way you can help him through his grief. Youc an simply tell him, "I tried your way to deal with this--staying down, and it's just not helping either one of us. So, it's time to try something new, something more optimistic, something that glimmers "hope"."

When I lost my sone I expected my husband to get down in the hole with me. It was ok for a little while, but I was torturing him. As much as people that look from the outside in have expectations for us that are grieving--like the "let's move on comments, so do we that suffer loss have expectations on how others around us should respond. If we could all just feel what we feel and not expect others to go through every motion we do because we feel it, it would be a much gentler process of getting through difficult times like this together.

I say go for the book! What's stopping you besides your own doubts??

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ladyhitchhiker

Thanks Joeysmom. You are as always a vault of support and information. I'm not saying I don't still grieve her, but I have to live! And besides the 500 pages left to type up on my book, I've got nothing stopping me.

BTW, I have a contract offer through a publishing company who read my first 2 chapters but I've never heard of them, but it sounds interesting.

I keep thinking back to my favorite quote of all time: "Never deprive anyone of hope; it may be all they have." And I believe it. I have to have hope!

Thanks for the kind words!

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Isn't Claudia just the best! I love that quote about hope. My father was the all-time quote master! He had alzhiemer's and before he passed away, he repeated this alot...he would say "Jackie Lynn, have you ever heard that saying 'I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet'" He would ask me that and then 5 minutes later ask me the same thing again...must have been his favorite quote! I feel like that though, don't take my hope away, because it is all that I have. I hope my marriage survives this, I hope I can come to peace with my brother's passing without knowing what killed him, I hope I can find myself again once I get past this, I hope I do not hurt my children with my obsession with this. I have two other brothers, I hope I do not have to endure this again! More than anything I hope my dear friends here have some quite and peaceful moments when the weight of this grief does not burden them, I hope that we can all reflect on memories and smile at the joy they bring us. Peace, Jackie

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I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My husband's older brother recently passed away (only a few weeks back). This brother was like a father to him as he lost his own parents when he was very young. He spent most of his upbringing in a boarding school as a result. The funeral was just last Thursday. Although we are currently separated, we have been working very diligently in hopes of reconciling. My husband was an abuse survivor in boarding school and as a result, he has major issues with anger and low self worth. Anyways, I wanted to sit next to my husband at the funeral, but was told by the immediate family that I had to sit in the back of the Church because only blood relations could sit in the front. Then I was told I couldn't go to the cemetary because only blood relations could go. The reception was no better. By husbands ex wife and her grown children were there which I had no problem with however they ended up coming to our home afterwards and would not leave until 10:00 p.m. at which point they left the grandchildren behind for us to babysit while they went to Bingo.

The next day, my husband decided he didn't want to talk to me and asked me to leave his home because he felt I wasn't there for him. No amount of explaining would help. He is even talking about filing for divorce. Is this kind of anger and lashing out normal after experiencing the death of someone close? I don't know what to do at this time and feel so powerless.

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Guest - You are in a very difficult situation to say the least. I feel anger is very much a part of losing someone you were close to. Since your husband had a history of problems with abuse, his anger at this time may be extremely hard to control, but he himself may not even be aware of it. You've tried to explain what happened, but right now he may not be able to hear. Perhaps he will be more approchable in a few days. Just try to be there for him now, and I suggest you follow your feelings of when to be with him and not the advice of others. You honored others advice/requests regarding the funeral, but now you need to follow your heart. Of course, I realize this is advice from someone else as well...but just wanted to give you some comfort in what appears to be a very trying time. Take Care!

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Guest Guest

My father died two weeks ago tonight, very suddenly and at the young age of 60. I had just returned from a business trip and receieved the call that rocked my world. My mother called my cell phone hysterical and declared, "your father is dead." I went into auto pilot with a strange and complicated sense of emptiness. My father was on of my best friends.

He had worked the last day of his life despite feeling very ill. He had an abdominal aortic aneurysm, he died immediately after it ruptured. Because it was an untimely death, his body stayed at the house until the state police and medical examiners arrived. They live in a rural area and it took close to 5 hours before his body was removed. I live 1000 miles from home and my husband and I got in the car immediately to come home after receiving the news.

My question is, since learning of my fathers death, going through the funeral and trying to get back to normal I feel very distant from my husband. I feel angry that my dad is gone and his family is still intact. I'm very confused about my emotions right now and just don't really want to talk to anyone about anything. He keeps trying to engage me with conversation but I don't want to talk to him.

Before all of this happened i had a wonderful marriage and one strength was our ability to communicate about everything. I'm scared and shutting down is the only thing that feels safe right now.

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4everjoeysmom

Guest, I experienced the exact same feelings toward my husband after my son died. He was an adult child at one week prior to turning 24, and he was my son, my buddy, my friend, and so precious to me. My husband and I both have previous marriages and children as a result, but no children together. As irrational as it is, I resented him for having ALL of his children and I was missing one. In time I learned my husband's grief over my son is deep as well. But at the time I just did not care about anything, and I even threatened to leave my marriage because I just couldn't care or cope. I'm thankful that stage was short lived. I've seen many women on this grief board go through very similar and even worse after losing a child, sibling or parent. We're such emotional creatures... What you feel is normal, but it's extreme and irrational from the perspective of relating with our spouse. Reality for us is we don't want to live with them during this horrible stage, but we would be even more miserable without them by our side, no matter how annoying and painful it can be in those moments. It's a natural defense to crawl inward and isolate ourselves in our emotions. Loss is a huge significant blow, and we frankly don't want to share our loss nor do we want to experience more loss. So by shutting down it's like protecting ourselves against the outside pains that life can bring. Ask your husband to be patient with you. Tell him how you feel, but that you are learning more about your emotions and how to cope. Tell him you love him and want to let him in, but you need time to process, and you just want to know he's there, but you need the quiet time for yourself as well. There are good resources on the web and in bookstores for him to understand your grief. Point him in that direction if you can't talk now and if he really wants to help that includes helping himself to understand on his own and not digging into you right now, because you don;t have the energy. He is frightened of losing you. I know, because my husband was frightened that he lost me to my grief and pain. YOU CAN AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Come here often and to the BI web boards and you will find lots of peple walking your walk that will be so pleased to walk alongside you. We understand grief, pain, all of the stages and healing too. Don;t overwhelm yourself with everything. Just take one step at a time. It's so raw for you right now, and you need to process through the shock of it all. I have no magic words or potion, but I do know YOU ARE NOT ALONE in how you feel. Love & Hugs, Claudia

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Guest - Claudia pretty much covered everything, but I wanted to add that it seems to me men want to "fix" things, and when they see us so broken they simply want us to tell them how to "fix" us. I know I resent my husband still having parents (and they aren't very close)...and that makes me angry at times...but I've tried to tell him it's not something he or I can fix, I just have to come to terms with what has happened...and that I most certainly am not angry with him. So very sorry that you are starting out on this journey, but please come to this site as it is a wonderful place to vent emotions with others which can make them seem a little easier to carry. Take Care!

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Previous post as "Guest - father died two weeks ago tonight" - Thank you so much for your kind words. My heart is so full because of your kindness. I think your advice is both wise and relevant. I am glad to know that my resentment and frustration isn't abnormal. I am so sorry that both of you have experienced losses but am grateful that you are sharing your stories and experience. This feels like the only 'safe' place that I can be honest about my feelings. I want to share everything with my husband, but I'm not ready to do that yet. He was closer to my dad than to his own, so I suspect he is grieving too. I'm sorting through all of this and hope that one day I can share some wisdom, as you're sharing with me... thank you. Lis

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jackiewitter

Hi Liz. I continue to come to this site because I too am struggling with marriage issues. Our situation is a little different, but when that one person that you are used to sharing everything with is no longer able to make things okay, it's hard. I kept hanging on to this notion that no one loved my brother like I did, no one misses him like I do, no one could possibly hurt more than I did or they would keep crying everyday like I did. I am coming into the realization that those thoughts are not true. You will find on this site that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. While you may find similarities in certain situations, each person and their pain is unique. I am in awe at some people that appear to be in the early stages of grief and they seem so much farther along than I am. Grief is not something that you can share, it is yours and it is personal. Your husband's grief is his and it too is personal, you may have different ways of expressing it. I wanted my family to be in the same place that I was, and thank God they were not. Who would hold whom if we were all in the same place? I am working right now on forgivness, even though my husband is not even aware that I am needing to forgive him, that is what I am working on. This is a "safe" place. No one judges you here or expects you to "get over it and move on". One of the best things about this place, besides some of the most wonderful people in the world, is that you can see where someone has experienced a feeling or fear that you too are feeling. It validates what you feel, you are not crazy or selfish or needy, these are real feelings and emotions. I encourage you to continue to visit here. I have found a wealth of knowledge and compassion. If there is anything that I can do to help I will. I pray that God holds you close and gives you some comfort. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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slimoperasinger

I am feeling very isolated in my marriage too. We already had problems before, but when my mother lived with us, she was the buffer. There was someone else I loved to relate to. Now my son is my biggest companion. My husband seems indifferent. In fact, he has already asked me 3 times about my inheritance. It has only been 11 days and he started asking the next day after she passed. My mother is not here to be my silent protector or ally anymore, so my home life seems that much emptier. I always wondered what it would be like here at home without her, and now I know. I can tell that my husband is not interested in hearing about my grieving because it's all about me and it takes me away from him. I am an only child with no relatives nearby. Thank God I have other support from people.

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jackiewitter

Slimoperasinger,

I wish I had some words for you, but unfortunately I do not. I am so desperate for my husband to share this with, but I know that it will never happen. He has chosen to just put it behind him like it never happened. While I am trying to remind myself that he was only a bystander in Jeffrey's accident, not a participant, I find it hard to seperate his being responsible. Making this more difficult is his lack of grief. I know that he is grieving (I think) because he was a dear friend of my brothers. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that we piece this all together one day. Be blessed, Jackie

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