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Don't know how to go on without my daddy


BluEyes

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I just lost my daddy very unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He went in for what was supposed to be an easy, routine surgery and he didn't make it. The operation was supposed to only be for one leg because of his age and overall health. But the doctor changed his mind and decided to do both legs at the same time. They kept him under for 4 hours and then the ending gets cloudy. The doctors came and told us he didn't make it but coming up with why was where it got clouded. The best answer they could come up with was that he had a heart attack at the very end they "think." They "think" were the doctors direct words. And they proceeded to tell us that's what they think happen. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is my dad on the hospital bed. He looked like he was in so much pain. I can still remember the way his cold hand felt. If I don't get that vision I see him in his casket. I see our final goodbye... Having to leave him there. I just want this to be a bad dream and I want to wake up. I feel so angry... Angry at the hospital... Angry at the doctors for taking away my daddy. I don't know how to life without him. I still call his phone, expecting him to answer. I've never felt real pain until I lost my dad. I'm so lost without him. I can't figure out how to move on with my life no that he's not there. He was supposed to walk me down the isle, see his grandchildren from me... All of that was ripped away from me :'(

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Hi bluEyes,

 

I´m really sorry to hear about your dad passing :( I know it´s very hard and those first weeks feel like a bad dream you just wanna wake up from :(

 

I believe it´s perfectly normal feeling angry at the hospital and at life, you were not expecting something like that and no one was able to give you a straight answer abot what caused his death. I never went through that "needing answers" as my dad´s illness could not have a diferente ending, but from what I´ve been reading here and online regarding grief, the anger you feel is very expected, you need answers, you need to know why :(

 

They say those visions will eventually be replaced for better ones, one can only have hope and keep going. I´m not there yet, but I can tell you it gets more tolerable with time, there will be awful times, but somehow you´ll get through them. Don´t hold back any feelings, let it all out, cry, scream, laugh, whatever you feel the need to.

 

This forum is also a great place for sharing your experience and learn from others, everyone here will understand what you´re going through.

 

Hang in there

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Guest Kirbibizzle

BluEyes,

 

Firstly, I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.

 

When people say they understand, a lot of the time they don't. But that isn't the case with us. We actually can relate to you in so many ways. We're just as lost as you without our parents in our lives anymore. You mentioned moving on, but there is no moving on after something like this. There is moving in a different direction, but no moving on in the path we thought we would be traveling down. We'll always remember and miss our dads, we love them so deeply and that will not change.

 

A good friend of mine on this forum named WhereIsMyHome has actually suffered the same tragedy as you. Her father passed away during surgery, and it has shaken her to the core. Her mother unfortunately died shortly after as well... Needless to say, she has a lot of questions herself and there's always going to be a lot more of them than answers. She really needs all the support she can get right now, so if you want to get in touch with her, I am sure she would appreciate it greatly.

 

I still have so many questions about the passing of my own father. My father passed away unexpectedly from a similar situation a little over a month ago too, just like your dad. He had a brain aneurysm that he very well could have been born with, which could have ruptured at any point of time. I could have lost him years ago, but I thankfully was given 25 years of happiness with him. Even still, him being gone has changed my life forever, and certainly not for the better.

 

Anger is definitely a natural response to this. I have so much anger myself, but most of it seems to be directly right towards me. I wish it wasn't, but that's the way I feel at the moment. I have a lot of regrets about not spending more time with my dad. Even though we lived together, we were not always in the same mindset. Most of the time we did our own thing, and missed out on many opportunities to talk or do stuff together.

 

We wish to help you in any way we can. We can help each other get through this together. I know it doesn't make any sense, and it might never make sense. But we can try and do the best we can with what we are given. My life without my dad is not something I could ever imagine before this, and I'm barely hanging on. This forum has helped me in so many ways to find others feeling just like me. I am glad I found you and I hope you will come back here to just vent, or talk about your dad or do whatever you need to help yourself and maybe help us too.

 

-Kirbiboh

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Thank you for the responses. I don't feel so alone in my feelings. My anger is definitely directed towards the hospital and doctors that worked on him. The coldness when they came into the room and all he said was "Well, I guess your dad's body just didn't like surgery today and laughed slightly. How do you tell a family their loved one didn't make it like that? Then launch into the story of how they did everything they could for him. If that were the case, they wouldn't have pushed fate and operated on both legs at the same time. I just don't understand why... And I don't think I ever will. My dad was so full of life that morning... Laughing with us, telling us he was going to sneak out the front door by 4:00 because he hated hospitals, and how he would rather take the $200 he was spending on his stay there to the casino. I don't get how he was so full of life that morning and four hours later the surgeon was telling me my daddy was gone. Then they took us to a room so we could see him. I have nearly nightly nightmares of that. Seeing him laying in that hospital bed, the look on his face, the doctors trying to tell is how peaceful he looked... He looked anything BUT peaceful. He looked in pain. His body and face were all contorted... I'll never forget that as long as I live. I know all about the regrets. I wish I had spent so much more time with him. Now it's gone and I'll never be able to fix it. I don't want to eat, cook, bake, draw, write stories... These things were all the things I loved to do. I just sit around in my house, don't go anywhere, just wishing I could be with him :'(

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Daddysgirl87

Hello I just want to tell you I'm very sorry about loosing your daddy I lost mine suddenly in December and the funeral was right before Christmas my mom had to give us presents that he bought for us before he passed I miss him sooo much it hurts every day I think about him.. I'm dealing with panic attacks and anxiety right now Im just hoping I get over this.. I'm trying to be strong for my mom and daughter she's 3 and doesn't understand what's going on she asks for papa alot and misses him soo much.. i know what your going through and how bad it hurts if you ever need to talk Im here.. hope you had a good day!

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BluEyes, am so sorry for your loss. It's just too sudden and you need to investigate all hospital records and have a professional review to find out the truth and why the doctor operate on both legs? Are they family consent? What r they risks involved? Did they explained? I read everything since my dad passed away suddenly a few months ago. He was fine and a few hours later a heart attack happened while he was in hospital care. There might be some negligence but be strong for your family. Let your emotions out and talk to loved ones. We here to listen too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Blueyes,

I had a week to prepare myself for the reality that my mom was going to die- my 68 year old healthy seeming vibrant mom, who I was very close to- Suddenly and shockingly had diagnosis of neuroendocrine cancer and then had a heart attack, then died of complications of both.

But what I'm trying to get at for you to know Blueyes, is that for the first several weeks after her death the images of her dying would not leave me- horrible "I can't believe this is my mom" images. I couldn't remember her being happy ever, or even any good times we had together (which were many), all I could remember was the images from the last hours of her life. Now, 5 months later, I still cry most days and have the deep deep sadness- but the images and the focus on the end of her life have lost a lot of their grip on me. I don't know what will happen for you, but I was sure I would never be able to think of anything else, and now I can. I have turned out to be more resilient, and mercifully, more forgetful of the horrible times, than I ever expected. Wishing you the same...

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redheadgmrgrl

Blueyes,

First off I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my daddy too, it is pain that can only be known by those who have gone through it.

I understand the feeling of not having your daddy at your wedding, I won't have mine for my wedding either....

It is something you have to take one day at a time sometimes even one moment, my daddy was suddenly taken from me in august I got the dreaded phone call and a few days later he was gone. I did not the closure I had hoped we had so many plans and many times I am very angry but I can tell you that it does get easier to handle the idea that their gone. I'm not saying it will as if by magic be better but you will learn to cope. Please if nothing else be easy on yourself, this is a very hard thing to go through, and know that so many of us on this site have lost our daddys.

If you need a shoulder feel free to message me.

RHGG

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