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Validating Our Grief


backyarder1

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I am reading a book that I really like (so far) called "Second Firsts: Live, Laugh and Love Again". One of the things the author says is "without validation and acknowledgement, we cannot heal. Our grieving hearts need us to receive validation for our pain. If we don't get it, we continually question our pain, our loss, and ourselves."

The author says that we need to keep feeling our grief and expressing our grief and getting validation for what we feel before we can get past it.

Other people in our lives don't necessarily understand what we are going through and so they can't validate what we are feeling.

And that is why this website is so great. No matter what I am feeling, I can login here and know that Judy and Karen.Lyn and Roy and Andrea and Annie and others will understand what I am feeling and will help to validate what I am feeling. No one thinks that I shouldn't feel WHATEVER I am feeling, even if they haven't felt exactly the same things themselves.

We all accept exactly where each of us is on our journey through this grief process. We support each other through the process.

I know that I am trying to push myself through my grief to get to the other side and I'm not sure how that is going to work out for me. I am going to start doing the exercises in this book, even though they seem a little "far out" to me. The first one says that you should devote a half hour everyday, for a whole week, to getting in touch with your grief and kind of talking to it and writing down all of the thoughts that go through your head. I'm not exactly sure what she means by that, because it doesn't look like she gave an example. But I guess for me, I would spend that half hour just writing down everything that I miss about Tom and everything that I am afraid of about my future. I think I might even try to find a grief partner who I can share these activities with. Someone who I trust really, really well and don't mind sharing my most intimate thoughts and fears with.

Anyway, I just wanted to share all of this with you, because the book is giving me some hope that there is happiness at the end of this tunnel of grief.

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Thanks for posting this backyarder, i ve been reading some of your posts and give me some kind of hope.

I don't have that much hope but its going to be 3 weeks this sunday that i lost my boyfriend.

I've been struggling to have patience with people around me that tell me that i am going to be ok, that there is a whole life ahead of me, etc.

I do validate my pain and my grief, but i fel like most people around me just want me to be ok and i can't, i can't even think of tomorrow.

This is so hard, i just miss him so much....

 

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OMG. I just did this exercise. I can't believe how intense my reaction was.

I opened a Word document and I typed for a half hour about my feelings and my grief. One of the MAIN things that I realized that I am grieving about is the fact that I don't think I loved my husband as much as he deserved. He had some habits that I didn't really approve of and I think they kept me from loving him 100% some of the time. And part of my grief is because I don't KNOW if I loved him as much as he deserved. I never expected that thought to come out but it did. And it just hit me REALLY really hard and now I can't quit crying and I'm not sure how to deal with the thought. I know I could ask some of his friends if Tom ever said anything about me NOT loving him enough, but Tom wasn't the kind of guy who would talk about stuff like that anyway. So I went outside and tried to talk to Tom and get some sort of sign that everything is okay and, of course, I didn't. I guess I will just wait and talk this all over with my counselor next time that I see him.

So I think this is a good exercise but be prepared for it. I never realized that my reaction would be so intense.

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In something similar to this exercise I started a journal.  I don't necessarily write every day but when I find I'm feeling really sad or dwelling on the same thoughts over and over I start writing. There have been several times where I didn't know what was really bothering me but after I started writing and then read it back over it became more clear what was triggering that particular crying spell or why some seemingly insignificant event suddenly had taken on more importance. 

 

Another benefit I've found it that I can go back and look at earlier entries and see how something that was really bothering me several weeks ago I'm okay with now.  Makes me feel like I've made a smidgen of progress.  I think the writing helps get these things out of my system--sometimes even things I didn't realize were there until I see it on the page.

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southernyankee

This is my first post on the site. February is the anniversary month of my wife's death in 2006. It was a long, hard, grief but I made it through and would like to be of help to anyone that would like some long term perspective. As I'm sure you have heard: "It does get better". Early on you may not believe that but it's true. Please let me know if I can be of help. Best of luck to everyone.

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Thanks Brian. I know that, personally, I like to hear the experiences of anyone who "made it out alive". LOL. This grief process is so rough, its nice to have other people help guide us through it.

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MissingDaniel

Thank you for sharing that, Betsy.  I'm glad you were able to feel like you learned something from the exercise. 

 

I can relate somewhat to what you talking about with your feelings for Tom.  I think a lot of my grief early on stemmed from a couple of things: 1) that Daniel and I had an argument right before he left town, and I didn't really say a proper goodbye because I was angry (and of course had no idea that he would never come home); and 2) that because of his history of addiction, we had been through some pretty difficult and intense times in the past, and I had said some things to him in anger that I didn't really mean and would love to have taken back.  I've had conversations with him so many times just sitting in the quiet telling him how sorry I am for those things I said, and making sure he knows that I didn't mean them and that I loved him.  I have asked him to show me some sign that he knows, but like you say, I didn't really see anything I could intepret that way.

 

To hear you speak of Tom and your relationship with him, it's hard to imagine that he could have ever thought that you didn't love him completely and with all your heart.  It sounds to me like he was a very lucky man :)  I hope that you are able to find some assurance of this for yourself and find some peace with this particular thought.  Good luck with your future exercises, and thanks for the reference.  I might have to check that book out myself.  God knows I would love to find my way through the dark tunnel myself!

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Betsy - I have had similar feelings, that I didn't love my Jerry as much as he deserved to be loved.  He used to drive me crazy at times and I would get really snappy with him.  He was always wanting me to come into his "man cave" and just sit and talk to him and I never wanted to.  I wanted to watch tv instead.  It's guilt, pure and simple.  I even went so far as to mumble under my breath "I wish you'd just leave".  Horrible.  I'm not having the trouble with doing everything like some of the other folks here are having because I literally did everything in our household.  I made all the big decisions, I handled the finances, everything. I had a lot of pent up resentment because of that.  I mean, I work full time plus do everything at home.  So after Jerry died I felt absolutely horrible when I came to terms with this.  I begged for a chance to do it again, promising that I'd be nicer, I'd love stronger, be more patient.  I was talking to a wall of course.  The only thing that helped me is knowing that I had no idea that he was going to be snatched away from me like he was.  He knew I loved him with every ounce of my being, that is all that matters.  All couples have their little "things".  I don't think Jerry would have wanted me to be any different to him.  Heck, I don't know!!  That is a powerful exercise.  Now if I can just forgive myself because that is what it is all about.

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Hi Judy. You are right. We all have feelings of guilt and regret. The author of this book calls the exercise the Guilt Cleanse and suggests that you do it every day for a week. She says that if you allow yourself to feel your guilt like this, that it helps lessen it.

By the way, don't you ever consider that our regrets in our past relationship will just make us do better in our next one? That is what I am hoping for. That the next time I find love, I just cherish it and remember to give 100%.

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Betsy - I have "compassion fatigue" on my list of interests because I've recognized that I'm vulnerable to it. I've gone into and out of it many times and have done some research on it. (It's an actual condition, like burnout, that can be googled.)

I worked in a social-services agency for years and then was my mother's caregiver for some more years. In both settings I got hit by compassion fatigue at times, and it would often go on for months. Sometimes I honestly didn't know if I loved my mom. It scared me. So I did the only thing I knew how to do: I made sure I was showing my love for her in what I did for her. It would have to be enough if the feeling just wasn't there because we can't call up feelings on demand. I'm sure she understood that; in the caregiving years I had many obstacles to deal with and was constantly stretched so thin that I didn't know how I'd manage it all without some sort of breakdown.

I still have regrets about things I just didn't think of doing. But I know I was doing the very best I could at the time. I've asked her to forgive me for what I was unable to do and have received her forgiveness. Still, more things occur and then I have to remind myself of how much she loved and forgave me. I'm sure the same is true of your husband.

Thank you for your latest post (2:23 PM) which suggests that these things happen so we'll be better persons in our next relationship(s); it is so right on. I think that's what our guilt is for, partly or wholly: to change us so that we won't make the same mistakes - in action or attitude - again. I chose the username I did because my little cat, Raven, taught me more about loving than anyone else had been able to - but after he left, in the insights that came then. During his long illness, which overlapped with my mom's last years, I was so focussed on practicalities that I couldn't go inside deeply enough to see other crucial things I was missing in his care and my mom's. Well, now I have lots of time to see them.

So now I try to use what I've learned - how all this has changed me - in caring for his twin brother, Bear, who is still with me and benefits from these harsh lessons, and in how I treat others  around me. This time I can do better.
 

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I had never heard of compassion fatigue but I may have experienced when I took care of my mother, who had Alzheimer's. My husband died suddenly, so I didn't experience any compassion fatigue from taking care of him.

But I do certainly hope that any regrets that I have about the way I was during my marriage with Tom will help me to be better in future relationships.

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I totally agree Betsy, that our next relationship will benefit greatly from the feelings we are having now.  I keep telling myself I should have paid more attention to him, I should have done more with him, I should have spent more alone time with him (my mother lives with us which made that very hard).  I will absolutely approach my next relationship, if I am so lucky to have another chance at this, much more caring and loving and attentive.

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All we can do is try to learn, Judy.

I just passed up the perfect opportunity to connect with some new people and I blew it. But I will learn.

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I've learned to not dwell on things I can not change! I know that I loved my husband with every ounce of me..maybe sometimes too much that I'd look the other way on his addiction problem..I believed every time time he told me he would stop:-( and unfortunately it took him..I guess in the back of my mind I knew this! I know now that I will never go through that ever again!! Ok im crying! Not many people know of his addiction problem so im still carrying the burden of that..and always will! Dose not make me miss him any less...more I miss him more cause its the one thing I had no control of and I couldn't help him..thanks for letting me share..thanks for the exercises. .I guess I just done one...

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I've been reading what you guys have been posting and I find it difficult to relate to the thought of finding someone to love, fall inlove again, and so on. I even find it hard to think  how will i´ll make this year alive.

 

I'll explain myself:

I was in a 2 year relationship with Francisco, my boyfriend, things were going very well, i felt the luckiest girl on earth and we will always tell eachother how much in love we were.

Almost 3 weeks ago he had an aneurysm/stroke and died.

 

The thing is we were in a very good phase of our relationship so now I don't have hope that i would experience something as amazing as I did with him.

 

I don't feel guilty i feel incredibly sad and scared of the future. Im 28 years old and people tell me that im young and have this whole life ahead of me, but i just want him to be in my life.

 

Just the thought of another man eve touching me give me the creeps! And I don't think anybody will love me as he did. 

 

I know is very soon to think of any of this because its been just 3 weeks but i believe i will stay like this forever.

 

 

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