Everything is different. i miss her so much

[ForeverAndEverMyJanie]

January 10th 2014 i was the mother of 3 beautiful little girls ages 3,2 and 1 and i was 8 months pregnant expecting my 4th daughter. my Janie was my 2nd oldest and my craziest little girl. she was born with a rare disorder called Beckwith- weidemann syndrome, so from the day she was born she was in and out of the hospital. but besides that, my little girl was the funniest girl ever. she lived life so free that no one even knew she was sick. her smile and clumsiness stole everyone's heart the second they met her. my daughters syndrome is something i knew she had and i knew i was going to have to be on top of for a the rest of her childhood but not once did i ever think her life was going to be taken because of it. janie was full of life and smiled all day long. she laughed at the weirdest thing and she brought everyone's spirits up with just that smile she had. my daughter got sick January 10th and passed suddenly on the 11th of january at around 6 in the morning. losing my daughter has broken me completely. im not myself anymore and i just miss her sooo much. im a young mom but i took care of my daughters every second of every day so going from that to never being able to see my little girl Ever in my life has really messed me up. i lived for my girls and i continue to be there for my living daughters and my newborn baby but its not the same. im forced to wake up ever night  and see 2 of my girls asleep hugging each other instead of 3. its the worst feeling ever. my 3 daughters were raised together and spent every second of their lives together. they played together all day long and slept together every single night. im so heartbroken about loosing my daughter that i hate everything on this earth. i hate Everything! if it werent for my daughters i would be with my janie right now. my entire perspective on life has changed. i try to keep my faith alive but how can a god that is suppose to heal and protect, take my little girl away from me. my daughter deserved to be in this world and i know she wasnt ready to go. im not the same anymore and no matter what i try to do, im ruined. this experienced has made me loose my sanity almost. there is nothing in this world i wouldnt do to bring back my daughter but unfortunately thats not possible so i guess i'll continue to live in this cruel world untill its my turn to go.

 

Forever and Ever in my Heart my Janie. mama lovess you and im soo sorry baby. i promised to protect you from anything in this world and i failed you. not a minute goes by that i dont think of you and my tears will never stop falling but janie i promise to always keep you alive in my heart and i promise to never let your sisters forget you. your my guardian angel baby and a million times i will say it, IM SORRY my little girl! i shouldve known something more was wrong. i just hope your smiling and i hope heaven is as glorious as they say. i hope your dancing with the angels and i hope your not mad at me my baby. 

[shellykut]

Forever - I am so sorry for your loss. It is an alternate universe we're thrown into when we lose a child. You're right, nothing feels the same and it isn't. I pray you have someone you can lean on, who can help you at this time. Caring for your little ones is your first priority as you said, but you also need to take care of you. Perhaps you would post on the Loss of an Adult Child thread of this website. It doesn't matter how old the child, there are a lot of kind, caring people there who will listen and offer you hope. I lost my 29 year old daughter to leukemia in August of 2010. My heart to you.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Forever,

 

I can relate to your story in a lot of ways. Though I have not lost a child, I have lost a father who loves me unconditionally, much in the same you always will for your daughter and your other children. When he died, I was so mad at the world for doing this to him. I asked the same questions as you, how could this happen? How can a loving God take those who we cherish the most? I wish I had the answers to that question and many more. My dad deserved to be in this world and I know he wasn't ready to go. Who would be ready to go, at 2 years old or even at 62 years old, which was how old my dad was? I hate everything, but I know there is still love to be found. We cannot continue to hate, as hatred will only keep us stuck in this same spot, never to but I know there has to be hope out there. I know there has to be a "silver lining" as they say. 

 

I know how it feels to have this kind of guilt over losing someone you lost. We are supposed to protect them, no matter the relationship, and no matter what. I felt the same way for my dad as you feel for your daughter. He's my dad and everything he has done for me to keep me safe came down to this one moment in time when I needed to do the same for him. My dad had protected me my entire life, and I at times feel like I failed him. I too should have known something more was going on with him which led to his death. I scrutinize myself and go back to that day over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently to prevent it. Sad as it is to say, I don't think either of us would have been able to change a single thing. We both know we would do anything, absolutely anything, within our power to keep our loved ones alive. But would the outcome have been any different? I am not so sure, at times I would like to think so, which makes me feel so horrible about myself. And then at other times I feel like there is nothing I could have done to change what happened. We will never know the truth, and that's what makes it so painful.

 

Your daughter could never be mad at you, just like my dad could never be mad at me. We did the best with the situation at hand, and though we feel like we made the wrong choices, we have to think about this in a more logical way. We both had absolutely no control on what was occurring inside the bodies of our loved ones. We didn't know. Humans are like that: we make mistakes. It was an easy mistake, though it seems like it was the worst mistake anyone could make. I tell myself that there is absolutely no way I could have known my dad was going to die that day, and that is true. You didn't know your daughter would die, how could you? You're not a medical expert trained in recognizing the signs. Much like I knew little to nothing about brain aneurysm before this. But believe me, I know now. I have researched them enough for two lifetimes. It's torturous to read about them, just searching for an answer.

 

But I subject myself to that kind of torture, because I want to repent. I want to be free of the guilt. I want to come to terms with this, and be at peace with myself. I want to accept that my dad is gone, and not forever mind you, but only for a little while, and nothing anyone could have done could have changed that. But I can't, at least not yet. I know it will happen one day, but not today. Maybe not even tomorrow, but some day. I hope that you can find your peace too.

 

-Kirbiboh

[shorty16]

Janie's Mom

Our lives were changed forever the day our child died before us.

I have been on this grief road for almost 6 years. I will never accept the death of my 16 year old son, Brian due to being reckless with a vehicle. But I have accepted my life because of Brian's death.

This takes a long time. Right now, you are raw with pain. This physical pain will not last forever. Please join us on Loss of an Adult child. My son was 16 , not an adult, and I am accepted without question and you will to.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[MissKylie]

Dear Janie's Mom,

 

 

I wish there are words that can make you feel better. Janie is your girl and nothing in this world can ever replace her.

 

I  also lost my daughter this January 1st. She's only 5 years old when she died of cancer. Like you, I also asked God why did He let my daughter be taken away. I lost my daughter on a New Year's day , she had a cardiac arrest. She died in my arms.

 

I'm also crying with you. As no mother deserve to lost a child. But please do not blame yourself, because we will do everything that we can just to be with them more...Make them live. If there's a way we can exchange the number of years in our life for our children, we could have done it. But sadly, that's not the way this world goes. 

 

This place has been my refuge from all the grief and sadness. It didn't make me accept the loss yet, but I feel that we are free to cry here, to scream and vent out.

 

Like you, I wished I could have done something more. I never missed a check-up for my daughter. But they weren't able to detect that my daughter had tumor in her lungs that also pressed her heart.

 

You will always be Janie's mom. She will remember how much you love her. And we will always love our children wherever they are.

 

Peace and Love to you Janie's Mom,

 

 

Kylie's Mommy- Cherry