Members backyarder1 Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 I am getting to the point where I can go for a few days or even a week without crying. But then when the crying hits me, it is REALLY intense. Even though I had a pretty good week last week, last night I just lay in bed crying and thinking that I really don't have anything to live for. I just couldn't get that thought out of my head. It's great to have the happy days but the sad days are almost unbearable. Does it make more sense to try to even things out? If I spend some time each day allowing myself to be sad, will that prevent the really intense grief days? How does everyone else get through the intense grief periods? I swear, I felt like calling the suicide hotline last night. Not because I really thought I would commit suicide. I just though maybe they would know the right words to say to make me quit feeling that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 I wish I knew exactly what to say to help you out. I don't think you can even out the emotions. When grief hits, it hits and there isn't anything you can do to stop it or lessen it. You are still so early on in this process, I really think that you are expecting too much from yourself. At 4 months in I was still a hot mess. I'm 14 months in now and I still have moments where I sob uncontrollably. It doesn't happen as often and I am able to talk about Jerry with a smile and such love. Time will make a difference for you, I promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 I'm sure that is true, Jude. I just don't want to wait. And sometimes I don't feel like I can make it through the rough times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sammijo2424 Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Backyarder- I remember those days so well, I went from crying all day, every day, then to crying about once or twice a day, then to crying every 3-4 days then weekly, and so on, and when it would come it was a doozy, now I wish I could cry, it has been a little over a year for me and instead of crying and getting some kind of release I just have this overwhelming sadness in me that WILL NOT go away, i am just laying around the house all day, every day doing nothing but looking at these 4 walls, feeling sorry for myself, shying away from everyone, not leaving unless i absolutely have to, i really think that is called depression, lol. I agree with Jude, grief is just so unpredictable, just no way around it.Today is my birthday, and I should be happy because two of my daughters are taking me out to dinner and of course making a big deal of it. But, I'm not happy just sad because here it is another year that my husband is not with me. He always did something special for me. I will be staying at daughters house for about a week, as one is having surgery on Thursday, and while I hate it for her, I am so thankful for a reprieve from my own self inflicted prison, crazy, huh.I so wish someone could just go in my head and change things around for me, but unlikely that will happen. As Jude said to you, time really does make things more bearable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Thanks Sammijo. I MAKE myself go out and do things. Craft classes, etc. But they kind of make things worse. I mean, what is the joy in doing ANYTHING if you don't have someone to tell about it and share it with. I am very jealous of all of you who have kids. I don't have any. Believe me, I would be bugging the crap out of them for attention if I had any. As it is, I was just sitting here wondering if I have ANY single male friends anywhere in the country that I could call and talk to. I miss having a man to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members terri251 Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 The mood swings are exhausting, I can go a few days and I feel okay and than it all hits me and I am barely able to do much, but I force myself. Sometimes I look at my daughter and my heart fills with the loss of loosing her father. I think one of the hardest things is not having anyone to talk to in those moments. Before when I needed to talk to someone Danny was there, but now I have no one. Being alone again is extremely hard, I miss being able to talk to him about anything and everything. And to be honest some of the people around me are getting on my last nerve. I must admit making the tutu dresses and hair bows is keeping me busy and helps me with my grief. I am not exactly sure how it is helping, but when things become overwhelming keeping my mind and hands busy seem to ease things a bit. Over the weekend was my niece bday party, I made her dress and make hair bows to give out as bday treats for the girls who attended. I should have been overly excited at how much everyone loved the dress and the hair bows, but for some reason all I really wanted to do was cry. It felt good to have people like what I had done but I was missing a significant person in my life and he would have been happy for me. On a positive note I did accomplish something. lol I do not know how to get things to even out, my emotions are on a rollercoaster that is out of control. Right now I am just going with it, supressing it when I have to (for work, and taking care of my daughter). I don't spend much time with friends, but than again I do not have that many friends calling me to hang out. I don't think I am much fun for most people right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tryingtohavehope Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Im the same way right now...all last week i got through my day and then cried a little when i got home from work! Then yesterday I was trying to tell my mom how I felt and she just didnt understand and she got mad and yelled at me and I bawled!!! This morning I woke up and didnt want to come to work at all I was completely zoned out. Then I was starting to have a decent day when my boss decided that she was going to try to hook me up with some guy that came into work! I told her no I was good...for a long time! And I had to walk away holding in my tears! Its just so painful and I feel so empty one day then okay the next! I hate it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 I know what you mean about people getting on your nerves. I was emailing a neighbor, telling her how depressed I feel and how sometimes I don't even feel like I want to live. And you know what she said? "It must be awful to not have anyone in your life, to not have a purpose and to have to start your whole life over." So instead of saying anything the LEAST bit helpful, she just reminded me of all of the horrible things that I am sad about. I swear, I almost felt like she was doing it on purpose to be mean! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members traveler1959 Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Backyarder, When things like that happens, I keep telling myself; And this too shall past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 I would give anything if there was a place you could go and they could wire your head up with electrodes, zap ya a couple of times and you walk out a new person!! Wouldn't that be great?? My Jerry is on my mind 24/7. Constantly. I am usually right on the verge of tears. I sure don't need anyone reminding me how completely bleak my life is, not having a mate, not having a purpose. Crap! I think I would have told her off Betsy. Nobody wants all their fears confirmed! We are really in a very bad place. The truth hurts like hell to hear and then if they give us the "you'll be okay, time will heal, blah blah blah crap" we get mad. What in the hell are we suppose to do?? My mother is a widow. She doesn't act anything like me. Maybe it is because she got 50+ years with my dad. He got to live to an old age. I got ripped off. Plus my dad was sick, very sick with cancer. Jerry had recovered from his pneumonia and then just up and died on me!! I can certainly understand how some widows(ers) turn to booze to numb their pain. I wish I lived in a state that had lots of bars, I really do. We don't have ONE that I even know of!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 This is such a horrible way to feel. My heart goes out to each of you, and I truly hope for you, and for me, that time continues to make the pain a little more bearable. Betsy, I know what you are saying about having kids. I know that having my girls to focus on does help me a lot, and maybe distracts me from the sadness sometimes. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and I think I might have gone ballistic on the neighbor. How completely crass and insensitive! I found out at the end of last week that the owner of the home me and my daughters live in is going to sell the house, so we will be having to move. It really got to me. My Daniel moved us into that house almost singlehandedly, and it is the last place that we were all together. The thought of having to leave and go somewhere that he wasn't is really getting to me. It seemed to bring on a whole new wave of grief. I know it will work out, but right now the grief feels really raw again. It really is such a roller-coaster ride. I've never liked those things..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted February 25, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Andrea and Judy, I am feeling better today....so far. I really DO think that neighbor was being mean on purpose. What is that phrase? Passive/aggressive? She was purposely being mean but acting like she was being nice. Andrea, I am so sorry about your house. I still have mixed feelings about my house. I love everything about it. Tom and I bought the land and built the house. But it is BIG for one person. So I have to learn how to do a lot to take care of it by myself. I just started reading a new book that seems like it is going to be very helpful. I am going to start a new thread about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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