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Lost my brother to a heroin overdose


Kellie86

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I lost my older brother, Riley Kaczanowski, less than a month ago to a heroin overdose. He was my best friend and we had gotten even closer in recent months. I only found out he was doing heroin when he was caught with possession in October 2013. He quit when he was arrested and he was doing so well, getting his life back on track and spending more time than ever with his family. I saw him once about a week before he died and he admitted he was high. He was not my sweet, funny, caring brother when he was high and it broke my heart that he went back to it. I didn't tell my parents right away, I didn't want to worry them anymore and my sister and I thought he would quit again.

I went to Cuba with my boyfriend on January 24, 2014 for a two week vacation. I got a call from my sister on January 27 telling me she found our brother dead in his home the day before. We couldn't leave Cuba until January 31 due to flight restrictions. I so desperately wanted to be home with my family. It was amazing that this vacation in paradise that I was so excited for turned to hell and I couldn't leave fast enough.

I didn't get to see my brother one last time and I didn't get to say goodbye. I go hours feeling numb and detached and then it will hit me and I will break down. It has been hell trying to be strong for my poor mom and dad, I know they are hurting even more than me which, truly, I can't fathom. I am so sad for my dear sister that she had to find him that way. It kills me to know my family will never be whole again.

My brother had recently started going to church with my mom, which he had never done in the past. In December, a month before he died, he got very emotional talking to me about God and how much he wanted me to accept Jesus into my life. I found out today that he said to his best friend months before "I think I'm going to die soon." and he went on to tell her that she needed to accept Jesus so they would be together in heaven. I don't even know what to make of all of this.

I know FOR A FACT that this was not intentional. He would never hurt his family like this ever. He had a to do list and his first and last month's rent (he was moving at the end of the month) and he had more drugs that he was presumably going to do after this fatal hit. This is the only thing that I find comforting, that he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know he never meant to die. 

My heart is broken beyond repair, and I know the true magnitude of what I have lost has not even sunk in. I love him so much and I miss him and I just want to see his handsome smile again. People say he's in heaven now and he's peaceful now but I need him here with me. How am I supposed to live without him?

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Kellie86, I am very sorry about the loss of your brother. Talking about him and your feelings to others, sharing with your family good memories of him, will help you. I know that doesn't sound like much help right now, but it will get better in time. In the meantime, take care of yourself by getting enough sleep, some exercise, eat as healthy as you can.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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UPDATE:

 

It's been almost 3 months since my brother left us. Part of me is still waiting for him to come back and clear this whole mess up. I just can't comprehend that he's actually gone. I think about him and miss him everyday. It amazes me that life just keeps going, even though my family's world has been destroyed. Most of the time I can function and go about my day, but there is always a cloud of sadness hanging over me. Sometimes the magnitude of what I've lost will hit me again and the pain is unbearable. It's frustrating because there is nothing I can do to change this situation. No amount of crying or begging or praying will bring my brother home. I am helpless.

 

I saw a counsellor a few times but I didn't feel she really understood what I was feeling. She focused more on how my mom was coping and how my sister is doing, as she was the one who found him. I felt like my pain wasn't as important or valid as my mom's and sister's. I felt like my pain was trivial in comparison so I have stopped seeing her.

 

I think many people don't understand the pain that someone feels when they have lost a sibling. I have lost a very important part of myself in losing my brother. My heart feels empty. My brother and sister and I were best friends and we knew we could rely on each other for anything. We were a team, an unstoppable force against the world. We knew everything about each other, we had inside jokes that no one would ever understand, songs we used to sing and games we played when we were children. We told each other everything, things we didn't tell our parents. We saw each other through the worst time but we never left each other's side. That is so much more than a sibling relationship or a friendship. That is an unconditional love that will never die.

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Hi there, Kellie,

 

I'm sorry about your brother :( 

 

Somewhere in this loss of sibling section, I posted what I read when I was crazy and searching for anything on the internet that helped me with the loss of my sister.  There's very little information out there about this kind of loss.  I finally found one person who wrote about it and confirmed the depth of what I was feeling:  "The grief experienced from the loss of a sibling is often overlooked.  But what many people don't realize is that our belief that our siblings are going to be with us into old-age is ingrained.  It is taken-for-granted and we don't even know that we have the belief until we experience the loss of one of them."

 

The other thing I noticed with both my sister and my father died, is I went through an intense period of fighting for the importance of my relationship.  So when you say that you want your pain to not be trivialized, I know exactly what you mean.

 

And it isn't.  Your relationship isn't trivial and it isn't less important than anyone else's.

 

We were supposed to grow old with these people.  They were the only people in the world who really knew every piece of us without us having to say anything.

 

There is no getting over that easy, and I know you know that.

 

I'm glad you came back to express yourself because you're right, in everything you're feeling, and you needed to know that.

 

Don't give up on counselling, necessarily.  They can be of great benefit if we go through a period of less ability to cope.  Just find someone else.

 

But be gentle with yourself regardless.  It's a special relationship you've lost and you need to take the care with yourself that it deserves.

 

<3

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I lost my brother to a heroin overdose on Sunday April 13, 2014. I am still in shock. How do I deal with this? How will I ever accept that it really happened? I feel like my parents don't want to grieve with me just like how they shut me out when he was using and they tried to hide it from me. I'm a mother of two young children and a wife. I have a family that is supportive but I don't have energy to be supportive of them. I feel like if I get better I will forget my brother. I can't sleep I can't eat and when I do I feel sick. Everyone tells me the same thing and I don't want to hear that anymore. ( it will get better it just takes time) I want to do something in memory of my brother. I also want to help people struggling with addiction. I just don't know where to turn.

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I lost my brother in June (2014). Not even a month ago. He was 30. He apparently died of a heroin overdose, although we won't know for sure until the toxicology report comes back in 6-8 weeks. He struggled with drug addiction for a very long time. After college he became a history teacher and a successful high school football coach. He loved kids. Somewhere after college I believe his addiction became severe. He was in and out of at least three rehabs before finally living in our local rescue mission, serving as chaplain and helping feed homeless. Somewhere around there we think he might have relapsed. He moved across the country for a job. Found a roommate. He actually sent pictures, and called often in the months before he passed. He seemed happy and seemed to genuinely like where he was living. None of us knew for sure he was using again. We sometimes suspected it, but we wanted to believe the best. And now we will all live with the heavy burden of wondering if we could've done more, or somehow prevented this tragedy. One of the most devastating facets of his death was waiting for his body to be flown back from across the country so that we could have a wake and bury him. The wait was excruciating. The not knowing who he was living with or who/what helped contribute to his death leaves me with so many unanswered questions and so much anger. What makes me the saddest is that he will stay 30 forever while I age and go on with life as though nothing happened. If I have children, they will never know him. He never married or had any children of his own. He was so young. I have a sister and brother. I'm the oldest now. We were a year apart. It's just so shocking and devastating that I'll live with this hole in my heart forever. I feel like this is truly the worst pain I will ever feel in my entire life. I feel like I will never truly be happy again. And it saddens me that those who didn't know him like I did won't remember him for his love of history, sports and people. They won't remember him for how funny and witty and smart he was. How he'd give you the shirt off his back. They'll remember him as a guy who overdosed. It makes me angry and bitter at how ugly and disgusting the world can be. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I can only hope this will make all of us stronger in our faith and in our compassion for those who struggle with this horrifying disease.

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My heart goes out to you Tmh24. While every single person's grief is as individual as they are, I understand and sympathize with your emotions and your pain. It hurt me to read your story.

I understand what you meant about moving on with your life while your brother will forever be 30. My brother was a few weeks away from his 29th birthday. I'm switching jobs now and moving to another apartment and it devestates me because I feel like I'm leaving him behind. I'm changing my life into something that it wasn't when he was here. I know in my heart that he wants the best for me and he would be happy for me and proud of me. But it hurts.

It's been almost six months for me since Riley died. The pain doesn't go away, but it's not present every single moment like it was in the beginning. I have times when I laugh and I think of other things. But the devestation returns and I cry and it hurts but that's ok.

The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. Go to counselling, don't dull the pain with alcohol or drugs, write in a journal, meditate, eat healthy foods, exercise, get enough sleep. Be with people that make you happy. No one can truly understand this pain unless they have experienced it themselves. Talk to people that understand. It helps :)

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