Raising A Surviving Child

[mamabets]

For Ribitsmom- Not only did Jackie tell Danny that she used his tooth brush to get the dog poop off of her sneakers, and then put it back- I think that she actually did it!!!!! Can you even imagine??? xoxomamabets

[kirksdad]

BettyAnn, I don't know what to think when it comes to our daughter's feeling about how we had to spend so much time trying to get Kirk's ADHD under control. The visits to the physciatrist, the medications, the trips to school, all the calls, the constant monitoring him, everything took away the focus on our daughter while he was alive. It hurts me so much to think about all the time and energy we gave to him and thought everything was ok with her because she basically did what she was suppose to. In the end everything was so messed up in her life, after his death, that we still had a hard time helping her out because we were so drained, so lifeless, it was hard to control what we were feeling let alone think about her grief. But now I know her grief was just as hard, the pain just as real, and even now her healing is taking so long. This all just downright sucks, I want more control back, more feeling, more happiness. I see it coming slowly, but lately it seems I have been in a rut.

[maskott]

Kirksdad...my son Scott and daughter Kristin both started a new college one month after Matthew died. Kristin was starting for the first time and Scott was transferring from a county college to a University. I didn't even know how much they were grieving. I tried to talk to them as much as I could. Kristin would talk to me, Scott wouldn't. He felt a man should control his emotions. Two weeks before finals started, he called me on his way back to school crying his eyes out. He said he couldn't do it anymore. He coudn't concentrate...couldn't remember anything he studied. I felt so helpless. I called the school psychiatrist the next day and got him a leave of absence. He has decided not to go back this semester. I talked to Kristin when Scott had his breakdown and she said the same thing...she couldn't concentrate etc. Her grades showed that when I just got her report card. She was always a decent student in school when she wanted to be. I contacted a counselor at her school and had Kristin see her. They talked and she encouraged Kristin to register and she would help her through the semester. I feel like you do....I have no control with any of these circumstances and don't have a clue on what to do. I'm having enough problems trying to deal with my emotions. It's only five months for all of us...so if you and your daughter are just starting to heal, I don't know if I can manage. Yes...it does suck.

BettyAnn

[missingchris]

For anyone who has little ones who lost a brother or sister: I came across 2 wonderful books. One is "I Know I Made It Happen" by Lynn Bennett Blackburn.

The second is " The Empty Place : A child's guide through grief" by Roberta Temes, PHD.

Both are simply written, neither should offend anyone's beliefs. I know they've helped my 6 year old son ,who watched as his 17 year old brother drowned when he was only 5.

I hope these can help someone out there. I'm eternally grateful to the person who found them for our family.

God Bless,

Becca (Chris' Mom)

[ribitsmom]

My son is getting ready to move to another town, time for college and girlfriend. I find, now that close to 3 years has gone by sinse the accident that took our daughter, I am ok with this move. If it had happened any earlier I don't know how I would have been, but now I realize that this is what we as parents have worked so hard for; all the years we put into raising our children is for one thing...to let them become independent adults.

I am actually excited about my son moving, not because I want him out of the house (well, sometimes, wink, wink), but because it is fun to watch him mature. I have been going through the house, loading things into tubs for him to move with him, so not only am I getting a son that is spreading his wings, but I am also getting clean cabinets and closets.

It is funny, but at this moment, I can say that life is wonderful. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. I miss my daughter with every breath I take, but I am ok with life again...oops, now the tears are starting as I type this, so maybe I need a little bit more work. I am sad, and I do miss Bridgette every single day, but I can also take pride in my son now, I can be happy for him and with him, and a year ago, I don't think that I was able to do that...I tried, I tried really hard, and tried not to let him feel that he was missing anything from us as parents after we lost our daughter, but I know that we didn't succeed, until now. I really feel that we can give him our all. Which makes me feel that life is wonderful again.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ribitsmom, it's good to hear your accomplishments in the process of healing. Seeing the beauty and wonder in living is a great success. Hope all goes well for your son as he ventures into college. I understand your feelings, missing your daughter every day. Jennifer was killed ten years ago, on the 22nd of May. My tears are still like a spring rain. May you find the peace and hope for each day you deserve.

[ribitsmom]

Alwaysmyjennifer, thank you so much for the reply.

I haven't seen you post for a while and was concerned for your wife, as I know that she wasn't feeling well. Hope all is well with you and your's.

Denise

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Denise, thanks for thinking of my sweetie. It's been difficult lately. She'll be transitioning to a nursing home soon. I'm worried about the horror stories we all hear. But, even so, we're adjusting to our new circumstances. I've also been so upset about Jenni, it was getting difficult to talk about her. I'll write more soon, when my heart is more settled about things. Mark

[godeksmom]

My name is jeanie, I lost my son Christopher, 21, in a car accident 2 weeks ago, May 26,2006. His friend was the driver, he was speeding, i am in agony, also agry at his friend, he lived, lost an arm but he is talking to friends about getting another car, (this was not the car in the accident) the owner of the vehicle was a passenger at the time and was also killed.

I am comsumed with pain, sadness, anger...i have another son 17, named Brian he was always moody and hard to talk to, Christopher was my best friend, now i realize i have hardly had any relationship with my other son and i dont know him at all, he was always angry at me for something, now he's angrier...i have tried 2 therapists already, they did nothing for me, no interaction, i am going to a licensed social worker through my local hospital that deals with people who have suffered trauma, lost people to murder, etc.

Please help with some advice.

I went back to work, but it's so hard to concentrate and not cry all day, alhtough staying home is unbearable, he still lived at home and his stuff is everywhere to remind me of him. I kow he would like me to forvgive him friend for this, but i can't he was driving out of control (no drugs or alcohol involved, just plain stupidity)

please help

jeanie

I live in Queens, ny, (close to manhattan)...

thank you

[kirksdad]

Jeanie, I lost my son Kirk in a car accident when he was 17, his sister was in the same boat, she was very popular and active until Kirk's death and then she shut herself off from almost everything. Like you I probably had a stronger relationship with my son and found out that I had also neglected her more because she was good and Kirk, being his own individual, was very trying. We went through so much. Our daughter has taken his death very hard and still is even 6 years later has some hard times. My advice is to keep talking, as much as you can. We do that a lot and we are still broken, so why shouldn't she, or you younger son, feel the same way. She said something to us after Kirk's death that has just stuck with me. She told us she was expecting to grow old with him around, he was to be there for her after out deaths.

Two weeks is just a blink of an eye when going through this. The pain can be so unbearable, it does get better in time, but it takes time for everyone involved because we each grieve and mourn in our own individual way.

As for the kid that was driving, his life is also forever changed, but wonderding why it had to be this way is so very natural. You will have to watch as this kid goes on with his life. Even though he has lost an arm, and will have that as another reminder to the life that was taken, you will have a hard time ever feeling like it was enough. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow of things and learn another reality. Yes, you are entering a new life a new reality, one that you never in your wildest dreams could have imagined.

Like I said it does get better in time, but right now you are still in shock, still in pain, maybe even just feeling numb. You have to think of yourself right now, also. Talking to your other son about your feelings and what you are thinking will help, but do it when you feel the time is right for you. I will tell you that you should also post your story on the loss of an adult child strand, there are some extremely wonderful people there that can be loads of help as you go through this journey in your life. I am so sorry that you have to go through the death of your son, Christopher. It is a hard thing to have to experience. I wish you never had to hunt for this type of site, but glad you found us.

[ribitsmom]

Godeksmom-I am so sorry for your loss of Christopher and the anger I am sure you feel toward the driver of the car. This is a normal reaction and I wish I knew an easy way for you to work through this part of your pain...because the anger makes your grief even worse or more difficult. My husband and I, even my surviving son, has anger towards the person driving the car that our daughter was in when we lost her. However, the driver of this car also lost his life, so it is a misplaced anger, no "physical" person to lay blame on.

I hope that you have a very understanding employer, as going back to work 2 weeks after the loss of your son will be very difficult. It took me almost 2 years, maybe even more, to get back to a place that I felt I was doing a decent job at work, not a perfect job, but passing.

Kirksdad was correct by suggesting that you talk, talk and talk some more with your son Brian. I am sure Brian is feeling very lost at this point. Things that I have heard my son say after the accident, like, "I wish I was nicer to her", "I wish I spent more time with her", and many more things that told me that he was feeling the pain in many different ways than I was, but still feeling the pain. I wonder how often they feel like, "It should have been me"???

As for seeing a therapist, you may find that you aren't ready for that for at least 6 months. I tried and tried and I actually wasn't ready until almost 2 years after the accident, then I gave up on the therapist and group counceling and found the web site you found yourself on. It helped me more than anything else I had tried. What it does is allow you to converse with others that are in the same boat, but you are not limited to an hour of time, you don't need to feel like you didn't get a chance to talk about your child due to others talking about the loss that they are experiencing, which is how I felt in group counceling. It was healing for me to find Beyond Idigo.

Keep posting, I hope you find the comfort that I have found here.

Denise

[tomsmom]

I am also worried about my son Danny. I have three boys. Tom who was murdered on May 28, 2006 who was 18 years old, Danny who just turned 16 and Sam who is 4. Danny has always been kind of quiet and takes care of himself. He was not one to call me all the time when he was out and would not really open up about his feelings or things going on in his life. Tom was the one who never shut up. He would call me 5 times a day just to talk. He would even call me in the middle of his school day just to tell me something. God, how I miss that. I now feel the silence more than ever. I don't want Danny to change or to try and be more chatty because his old mom misses that, but I worry that he is keeping all of his pain inside. When I mention Tom he looks so hurt and wont say anything. I know the school has no idea how to handle any of it. Just not sure what I can do for him. Sam who is only 4 will cry and say he misses him and will draw things for Tom. We talk about Tom all the time. I tell him stories and let him know that Tom can hear him so to keep talking to him. I just wish Danny would say something. Not sure I should push or if I should let him deal with it the way he thinks is best. Any advice would help. Thanks Kathie

[iansmom]

To Tomsmom, First, I'm so very sorry about your loss. It's always a great tragedy to loose a child but murder - is intentional. I know what you're going through. We lost our Ian who was 18 and his younger brother Samuel was so very close to him. Samuel always stayed in the back ground while Ian was the life of the party so-to-speak. Samuel was always laid back, quiet, played sports but wasn't as enthusiastic about it as big brother. Ian kept me on my knees (in prayer). After the loss of Ian I could see that Samuel needed help but he was so quiet even before that to push the issue could have broken him. After some persuasion I was finally able to get him to agree to see a councilor. The first person he saw was a waste of time and money. We finally found someone that challenged him to think. - Sam had gotten self destructive, was trying to self medicate to forget and/or not feel the pain of someone that was like a twin brother to him. School was a horrible place for him now. It was a constant reminder to him. People would call him Ian and that didn't help. I pulled him out the day he turned 17 and put him in the GED program and set him up for ½ days of technical college. It was much better.

I know all situations are different, but I think we would have lost him to drugs or maybe the many other things that have become so available on the streets. I can't tell you what is best for your child. For my son, he needed someone who could break through the foggy funk that he was in and this elderly lady was able to get through. She's 6'4" of compassion and understanding. We're not done with the counseling just yet but he's made big progress. Maybe he just needed someone that he could speak out to with out the fear of hurting us with his feelings of anger and hate and so on. Hope this helps.

Faith