I can't seem to let go

[special1]

My husband took his life on December 28, 2007. He was struggling with mental illness for many years and had gone through long term inpatient care, but the illness eventually won out.

I have moved on, building a new career and raising our two daughters. There have been many moments of joy and laughter for the three of us in the last six years. We bought a new house, travel, enjoy regular outings, visit relatives on holidays, and in almost every way it seems we have moved on. But for some reason, I go through periods where the pain I feel regarding this loss is so overwhelming. This happens every 4-6 months and can last for up to two weeks. I wonder why it won't go away. I feel it so strongly at this very moment, and find myself sobbing. My daughters wonder why I won't date or find someone else to love, but this is something I cannot ever see myself doing.

 

I want this to stop. I wonder if this is something I have to learn to live with. Maybe it is a regular cycle of chemical imbalance in me. I can accept this. I guess I am just reaching out right now for someone to give me some comfort as I pass through this phase. It is so hard to go through alone.

 

 

[backyarder1]

Hi Special1. I think that what you are experiencing is very normal, although maybe a little more intense than others I have heard about. But I have met many widows who still feel sadness and remorse after 3, 5, or even 10 years. I think it probably stays with us forever.

[cicero]

Special1, I'm new to this also.  You want this to stop, so do I.  I have been studying the stages of grief that you go through, but there doesn't seem to be a reccommended cure, and that sucks to be blunt.  But I suspect that it envolves looking forward and not back which is kind of hard if you have some years on you.  I suspect the people in this forum, are the ones who invested much time and emotional capital in the one who is deceased.  That investment is now gone, and thus those stages of grief you see on the internet.  Obviously I didn't know your husband, but believe me I'm feeling the same pain you are, but I don't really know if that helps you.  I suspect it doesn't, it only makes you aware that your suffering is not just unique to you, but to others as well.  I think you, and I, want to get beyond these forums and to see the emptyness of the world fill up again magically.  Like I said, I'm very new to this, but I think your daughters are right, you should date again.  Nothing like the challange of trying to figure out a new guy, to put the past where it belongs, in the past.  It will never go away, because we are all changed by who we meet along our life's journey.  I'm guessing the trick is how to move forward without forgetting where you have been.

[Stephaniesoto5]

Hi, special1. I too have lost a husband to suicide and was left with 2 daughter. It has been almost 10 years and i still deal with the pain as well as my girls. I am even remarried now almost a year and luckily I have a new husband who is very understanding of the loss of my first husband. My children and I have had many happy and fun moments but there are times we still feel the pain. My husband now is on a business trip and every time he leaves I am freaking out because I am so afraid to lose him. I cannot imagine my life going thru another loss. Maybe it's a little harder on us because it was a tragic death that still haunts us. I wander too will it ever go away. My only saving grace is God. I'm glad I found this website and hope it helps to move on and to helps others.