My mum died suddenly aged 56

[danielmj]

Hi, my name is Dan I'm 24 and my mum has died. Although the details of exactly what happened are vague because I don't want to cause my older sister (who lived with her and found her) any more grief but ultimately my mum suffered a major head injury and was a tragic accident. She was taken to A&E near to where they lived and was transferred immediately to St Georges in Tooting where she was taken to their neuro ICU, this was the early hours of Saturday morning on 25 January 2014, she died 10 days later.

 

At the time of the accident, my sister called me to let me know the situation and because of my profession (medical insurance) when she said she was being transferred to St Georges neuro ICU I knew then just how serious this was. I was drinking heavily with friends at the time but left straight away and jumped in the taxi and just managed to get to Frimley Park A&E before she got transferred - she saw me, and said "Dan" I said "mum" and that was it, the last time I spoke to her - she never regained consciousness although there were moments during the 10 days that followed where she did open her eyes again briefly and moved her right side now and again. The reason I mention this specific part is because in a way I'm happy she saw me and she knew I was there for her but on the other hand I'm heartbroken I didn't get the chance to say goodbye or even tell her how much I loved although I know she knew I did.

 

When I was 13 my nan, my mums mum, died. The three of us were very close but for my mum she was everything, we used to spend every weekend with her until she died because her and my dad had a very bad relationship and I guess it was her way of escape, every Friday after I finished school we would head up there. When my nan passed my mum was never the same, she had lost her most important person and turned to drink. She was an alcoholic in the years that followed which when I was young I hated her for. She was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis in 2010 but this didn’t stop the drinking but now I was older I loved her so much I just wanted to make her happy and I tried because I knew time with my mum may well be precious. We'd go out for meals when I could afford to and I would always do as she asked of me, gardening, hovering ect, we spend a lot of time together and I'm proud to have her as a friend. I was a good son I hope and in light of her premature death that is my greatest achievement and my only respite. However to counter this I feel incredibly guilty because I only moved out 6 months ago and feel that I should of never left and I would of been there for her.

 

My mum was simply the best person I will ever know and she loved me unconditionally every single day despite some very bad behaviour on my part and I cannot believe I have to go on the rest of my life without her. She was the most caring, loving person with such class and dignity despite all that life threw at her. I'm so lucky to of had her as my mum - all beit for too shorter time.

 

I've lost all my desire to do anything, to work, to study which I did for myself of course but also to make my mum proud and now she's gone I just don't see the point. I always promised her I would take care of her which to me meant earning enough money to be able to do that - more meals out, maybe a few holidays, to create some happy days for her. I'm so sad that I won't be able to that. Up until my nan died my mum was the envy of many people; successful business women, beautiful, smart, confident, funny and the fact she went out the way she did causes unbearable pain because she deserved better. I find myself feeling very angry towards my immediate family, my sister, my dad and my auntie all of whom a feel should of made more effort and have not spoken to them since she passed.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this but even to have written this post has made me feel a little better. It would be nice to here from people that may be in similar situations I guess. I'm too young to give up on life and pray it does not break me the same way it did my mum when her mum died.

 

Ann 'Noreen' Johnson

1957-2014

RIP mum

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Dan,

 

I can relate to your story in more ways than one. My name is Travis. I'm 25, and my dad has died. He was only 62. My dad also suffered from a devastating head injury, which came with no warning nor cause. An aneurysm in his brain that went undetected for potentially his entire life finally grew too big and thus ruptured and he began to bleed internally.

 

My dad had said his head was hurting, but neither of us knew just how serious this was. The moment that blood touches your brain, the brain cells begin to rapidly die so medical attention is required immediately. The brain damage that you suffer during this time is irreversible. Unfortunately, he never got the attention he needed in time and went unconscious on the living room floor. He never woke back up and died three days later on January 25th, 2014.

 

The same day that your mom was admitted into the ICU was the day my dad lost his life. Both of these senseless deaths seemed to have come from no where without any explanation. Both were tragic accidents, and were beyond anyone's control. I know that, and I want to believe that so badly but I still have so much guilt over the way things happened.

 

Both you and I are also alike in the strong bond we have with our lost loved one. My dad and I were joined at the hip. I never left his side. He never left mine, until now. We did everything together. We were always together. It wasn't supposed to end this way. I was a fool to think my happiness would go on forever.

 

Now that my dad is gone, I have lost more than just a friend. I have lost interest in everything. Nothing feels right anymore. I see small glimpses of joy every so often, but that's all they are. Just glimpses and they quickly fade again. I want to remember the good times we shared, but those last moments and all this guilt keep overtaking the goodness.

 

I don't want to give up either, my dad wouldn't want that to happen. I have to stick this out no matter how painful it is. I am glad you found this place. Just maybe by finding others who are in the same situation as you, you might find your path out of this darkness. I wish to find mine too.

 

Fred William Williams

1951-2014

RIP dad

[danielmj]

Thanks Travis. I'm sorry - sounds like you were very close and you spent a lot of time with him and sure you made him happy so take strength from that.

 

My mum's funeral is on Monday and if I'm honest I just want to do her justice, I'm speaking with my sister. Then I'm going to try and get on with my life, which won't be  the same, it won't be as good as it could of been without her but thats life. I know all she wanted was for me to live a good, happy life and that's all I can do for her now.

 

Take care.

[mercurybebe]

Dan...my mom also died on Feb 4th of this year...although technically it could've been the 3rd as she died in her sleep.  She was 68 and healthy...her heart stopped beating due to cardiomyopathy that we didn't know she had.  No chance to say goodbye....just that horrible phone call.  She had been visiting me in NY from Nov-Jan 15th and then went on to visit my Aunt in Texas, which is where she passed.  I never got to see her body, but I flew down there to take care of things and literally slept in the bed she died in to feel closer to her.

 

The way you described feeling is exactly how I've been feeling.  I am waiting for it to get better, but time without my Mom/best friend is making it worse.  If it weren't for my 14 yr old daughter I likely would've killed myself already.  

 

Travis...my condolences to you as well.  This really sucks.

[meganreineke]

Hi Dan, my name is Megan and my situation is pretty simular.  I lost my Mom when she was 56 and I was 28.  May 16th will be 2 years since she passed away.  My Mom struggled with alcohol abuse but then got help and was clean for over 10 years.  Well my Dad filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage and it took a toll on my Mom.  She started drinking again and was hiding it from my sister and I.  Neither one of us lived at home and she lived alone.  Well she was also on medication for anxiety and depression and she was absolutely not supposed to mix these medications with alcohol and it killed her.  I was the one who found her.  I was too late.  She had fallen too.  She died quickly they determined, but you still question whether that's actually the case.  I didn't get to say goodbye to her either.  She was my best friend and the most caring suppportive Mom anyone could ask for.  I question what if I would have been there too.  It sucks.  Could I have saved her?  I don't know and never will.  I am so mad I couldn't help her and she didn't want to ask me for help.  But she knew if my sister and I knew she was drinking again it would kill us.  But I would have done anything possible to help her.  It's not fair.  You assume your Mom will be there when you get married, have kids, etc.  But my Mom missed my wedding by 14 months and now my husband and I are trying to get pregnant and she's not here to talk to.  I talked to her every single day.  I don't know your exact situation with your family, but I think it would help to try to bring them back into your life.  They may be feeling horrible that they didn't try more.  I know I wonder why I missed the signs and it's killing me.  I question constantly if I would have noticed, said or done something different would she still be here?  Maybe they feel the same way?  It's not fair for you not to have your family to lean on for support.  They may need you too. I'm here to talk to because I get it.  It is the worse feeling possible.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I think knowing someone who can understand from experience makes you feel not so alone.

 

Megan

 

Nancy Otte

1956-2012

[TBazzle]

Hello,

I just registered, and this is my first post.

My mom also passed away suddenly at age 55. She was rear-ended by a negligent driver on May 5th. She was in a vegetative coma for 6 days before passing away on mother's day. I never had an opportunity to speak with her after her accident. This was five years ago, and i was your age.

I'm not sure if me sharing this will help you, but you're not alone.

[missingmymama]

My mom passed away on Feb 18, 2014.  She was 56. She was suffering from lung cancer and battled it for 18 months. She never smoked. Although I had time to say goodbye to mom, I still miss her terribly. I feel exactly as you do, there's never enough time to prepare even though I am supposed to be prepared for it. I lost my purpose in life too. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I don't want to live a life without my mother. I wanted so much to make her happy and make her proud. She was a single mother and she was the BEST and most loving mother in the world. I live with her all my life. She put my need above her at all time. I just want to die with her.

[Trish91]

Dear Missingmymama,

 

I also lost my mom to lung cancer in mid-Dec/13, and I also wonder every day what the point is in living without her and how I will manage to live the rest of my life like this. I am sad all the time, every day, I'm a pale reflection of the person who I used to be and who my mom was so proud of. I am completely bereft. I wish I could offer words of wisdom to everybody in this forum who is going through a similar situation, but I cannot. I'm stuck in this painful state and I don't know when or how I will really start to feel better, or if I will ever feel better. I never thought love could bring so much pain to a single human being.

 

Anyhow, I do understand what you are going through, and I pray for both of us and our pain, so we can get some relief. Life isn't worth living if one is constantly sad, scared and in pain.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[missingmymama]

Dear Trish91:

 

Thank you for replying. I hear you. I definitely feel like theres no hope in life. I feel like I already know how my life will end, and its one without my mother. That thought put fear in my heart. My stomach is in a knot. I have no home. I dont have anywhere to go.  I have a place to sleep but I dont have a home.  grief is very much like fear.  Its the type of fear that cannot be erradicated. I feel all alone without my mother. Nobody understands, they think I should be moving on. But I am not sure I even want to move on if i was given the opportunity to, because I feel like I would be abandoning my mom and all her sufferings. Everybody in my life is tired of me talking about my mother.  I , however, will never stop thinking about her. She is and always will be my everything. I just cant stop crying every night  or even during the day time, i never seen someoen suffered as much as m y mom during the last two weeks of her life.  I feel like a stranger in my own life. My mother my mother, please show me a sign. I love her so much, I wish i know what to do..

[Mommasbabygirl]

I don't know what to say, I'm joining this group myself because I'm having a hard time dealing with my mom passing, she passed 1/26/2014.

 

My heart breaks for you, I'm still screaming myself.  My mom was my best friend, she lived with me, she passed in my arms.

[Mommasbabygirl]

Missingmymomma,

I feel the same way you do, Exactly.  I'm virtually an only child, my mom lived with me for the last 18 months of her life and I did everything for her.  I can't imagine living without her and I don't want to. 

 

She was so concerned about me at the end that the nurses told me I needed to tell her it was okay and that I would be okay, I did it, it ripped my heart out and over the next few days I watched her slip away.  I remember every minute of every day.  Now somehow I have got to do what she made me promise her I would, she told me she wanted me to be happy.  YEAH!!!!  That's where I'm having a problem, I can't get past the grief of losing her and now I feel as if I'm slipping into depression.

 

WHAT CAN I DO?

[missingmymama]

mommasbabygirl:

I promised my mom too, but so inifinitely easier said than done. At those moments, I just said whatever I need to say so my mother can relax and die without worries. But death is always harder than those who are left living.

 

*Sigh* Maybe see a councellor? I am doing that. But I really don't know how to get over this bottom of the pit grief, its the most terrible and gut wrenching feelings that make me stay up at night and think about the various way I can kill myself without hurting anyone else. 

[Trish91]

Hi Missingmymama and Mommasbabygirl,

 

I really understand your feelings. I have had really dark moments, heck, I've had more dark moments than anything else since my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away two and half weeks after that, and I had to deal with her estate in record time, and I am still dealing with it, while my brother has had to do very little on account of having a small baby and his own business. Anyhow, my mom never smoked a cigarette in her life, and had no family history of lung cancer. I expected her to get diabetes or even skin, colon or breast cancer, but never ever lung cancer. I don't know if it was because she lived in a very large and polluted city, or if it was because her beloved kids lived overseas and her immune system was affected by her loneliness. I don't know, I don't understand it, and will never know. I know everybody dies at some point, but I thought my mom would be with me at least till the age of 80. I never thought that a perfectly healthy and conscientious person like her would die at the age of 67 of such a terrible cancer!

 

Now, I'm left with the longing, pain, anxiety and fear of not having her with me, in the physical world, and I often think of how much I'd love to die just to join her, because we were soul mates.

 

She also worried about my life getting in turmoil after she died, and I promised her that I'd be OK. She thought I'd be OK for I have a loving husband, good friends, my dad, baby nephews, uncles and aunties, but I'm not OK, I'm completely bereft and devastated, and would give anything to touch her and see her, to hear her voice and tell her, over and over again how much I love her, and how much I regret not having been a much better daughter, how much I regret having been selfish and self-centered at times. I loved her very much, and I know she knew it, all my family says how much she doted on me and how proud she was of me. However, for me, there was so much more to be done and said between the two of us.........I love her so much.......I miss her so......very much!!!

 

All I can say is I know exactly what you are going through, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. We all know exactly how it feels and how hard it is, how much we miss our moms, and Mother's Day is coming up, and we're orphans,  I still cannot believe it.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[missingmymama]

Trish91: My mom died from lung cancer too.  She was only 56 and she never smoked a day in her life. Its one of the  painful and hopeless  cancer out there. I am trying hard to find a reason, I read that many chinese never smoking women have lung cancer. I think she overworked and i feel extreamly guilty because she still need to work so much and theres not enough money in the family. My deadbeat brother wont help out, and I have been underemployed for a long time , finding it hard to find a stable long term job.

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa

[Alyssaa]

Hi dan,

I'm not sure if your still on here or not, your story struck close to home for me; regarding a traumatic head injury. (It just seems like such a senseless way to die)

I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

I haven't really met many other ppl that have pat a parent unexpectedly to a scenario other than a stroke or heart attack. I guess this type of thing sj more common than we'd like to think.

God bless you and your fam.

Alyssa