Asking God to hold you tight until I come home to you.

[JeanniesHarleyGirl]

 Time has slowed, I think to give me extra life to make sure I can make you proud. I often feel responisble for your passing, as both of our lifes were so full of weakness and seemed to be straying off the right path, more me than you. I very much dislike ''regretting'' things, but I honeslty refuse to forgive myself for not spending more time with you when you needed me the most. How selfish and focused on my demons and weaknesess I have been the past year, I have noone to blame but myself.

       And as it seems it is too late to tell you this I have hope it will reach you and can fill the hole I have created. The weeks prior to your passing is when my life was getting as low as it could in my eyes, instead of turning to family and seeking love I turned to drugs and escape. I was lost in my own mind.

        I was a huge stress on you and should have visited you in the hospital more than I did. I guess I just always pictured having you with me. You were MY mom and I never thought you could be taken from me. Never say never I guess.

        So after your death instead of thinking of what you would want for me, I sunk even lower. Escaped further and further until I could not find my way home. I selfishley isolated myself and hidden emotions from the funeral, and honestly did not want to be there. I just wanted to bring you home and escape some more.

         I still don't handle it, and am asking God for the strength and closure I long for daily. I am very good at keeping a straight face and bottling everything up for only me to understand ( barley ).

        I need to feel you are at rest, and I need to earn forgivness for leaving you lone your last bit of time on this Earth when you were so sick and needed my love and company so badly. I was so blind and in denial, now I see and it is too late.

       I am devistated that I will never have my mom again, and I am not going to let that be the case for TJ, I know God took you for a reason, and that it was not ment to hurt me. I know you are in Gods kingdom and held in his arms.

         I love you mom. I miss you. I talk about you everyday and think about you even more. I always try to feel as you are surrounding me, and I am making good progress in my outlook on this beautiful thing I am blessed to call life. I was so close to being with you, and it just was not my time. I was saved and given a second chance by not only the Lord but two angles he felt I needed, and I thank him for them everyday aswell.

       My eyes, ears, heart and mind is open and I am accepting the good and bad, the things I can and cannot change. I am giving as much emotion to the people who deserve it most in my life as I can........ I promise to think & speak of you EVERY single day, and to keep up with my prayers and trying to do good with the short amazing time I have on this Earth ! Its not somthing you take, it is given.

      Thank you God for giving me the time I had with this AMAZING woman I was privlagged to call ''mom'', I have faith she is happy, young and keeping good company with you. Thank you so much.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear JeanniesHarleyGirl,

 

Thank you for the wonderful story about your mom. I know it must have been hard to put down all of those thoughts and emotions through the pain this has caused you. I lost my father just over 2 weeks ago, and this place has helped me begin to heal, though the whole shock of the matter is still sinking in slowly each and every day. Many people on here can relate to you so do not think you are alone in all of this. We are all here for you to support you through this difficult journey.

 

I am so glad that you can see that this was never your fault. God has a plan for everything, even though most of the time it doesn't make sense. It might never make sense. People unfortunately die and there's nothing we can do about it. It's just that we never ever think those people could be our parents. I thought that way about my dad, I thought he was the strongest man in the world. Even cigarettes weren't going to do him in. He was going to be here forever, no matter what. I became so complacent in having him always around, always there for me, until one day he wasn't. It changed my entire life when I lost him,and not for the better. I feel so defeated right now without him. It's been a massive struggle to try and pick up these pieces. He was my best friend, pretty much the one person I could always rely on to be there.

 

It was only after his death that I truly realized just how much he did for me. Everything he put into this world was to provide for me and there will never be a time when I feel worthy enough to be called his son. I am so thankful for being able to say I am the one person in this world who can be known as his son, but even then, it's not good enough. I have set extremely high expectations of myself, and I know no matter what I won't be able to compare to him. He was thoughtful, caring, and never did wrong to anyone. He allowed me to live with him the way I wanted, with no pressure to do anything I was uncomfortable with doing. He didn't force me to pursue my dreams, I didn't need dreams when I had him.

 

Our parents gave us the most amazing gift: their unconditional love. No matter what, they loved us and continue to love us even though we are apart. Though their bodies may have let them down, their hearts will always hold that love. I know my dad is still here, maybe not in the physical sense, but in a more spiritual way. He has to be. There has to be a place out there where our loved ones are watching us. I am holding out on the hope that we can one day see each other again. I am awaiting that time when he will come to me in a dream, or at least reach out to me so I can know that I am on the right track. He always knew what to do, and without him, I feel like I am in a daze.

 

The quote from Celine Dion in your photo actually touched me too. As much as my dad would hate to admit it, he was a big Celine Dion fan. He probably would not like that I am admitting that, but it's the truth. I never really understood some of his tastes in music, he was so much older than me and never really liked the current music or anything like that, but I loved him all the same for it.

 

Please don't give up on yourself. I know at times it can seem unbearable to be without your mom. I know this first hand. I've wanted to give up because I feel like I don't have a purpose now that my dad is gone. But our parents would want us to keep going, in their memory and their honor. They would want us to be happy, though we may never feel that same kind of happiness we felt when we were around them again. There has to be another way. I'm still looking for it.