The Emotional Rollercoaster

[oxfordaussie]

Hi All

 

1 week ago last night I lost my mum.

 

It wasn't a surprise.  It had been a 9 month battle against an agressive brain tumor and an inoperable spinal tumor (causing her to lose the use of her legs).  This was all following her fighting small cell lung cancer and pulling through that but unfortunately the disease didn't stop there.  After her legs gave out, we had to put her in an aged care facility as she now had high care needs.  She was only 62.

 

I'm so unbelievably sad yet so glad she is no longer in pain.  I've been emotional for months trying to prepare for the inevitability of losing her. I hate it.  I hate the crying.  I hate the trouble getting a restful sleep.  And I want her back!

 

How did any of you go about handling the emotional rollercoaster?  Its so tiring.  Did you try counselling, meditation......sleep....

 

Oxfordaussie

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

My father died just over 2 weeks ago of a ruptured brain aneurysm that went undetected his entire life. Like your mom, he was only 62.

I feel so angry at the world for doing this to him. He was not supposed to go this soon, and I stick by that feeling. The survival rate of ruptures is extremely low, and those left alive are faced with numerous neurological disabilities, both temporary and permanent. I know he wouldn't have wanted to live like that, but in my own selfish way, I at least wanted a disabled dad rather than no dad.

You had a chance to say goodbye to your mother, which is more than I could say about my dad. He passed out on the living room floor and never woke back up. What you had was a gift, a real chance at closure to let her know how blessed you are to be called her daughter. You should treasure that always.

I want my dad back more than anything, and the pain is excruciating at times. I'm not sure how I am holding on, but I am clinging to the hope that some day these thoughts of him on his death bed will vanish and I will be left with only the good memories we shared.

These emotions do change so rapidly for me too. I go from being angry at the world, to feeling extremely guilty at myself, to crying hysterically, to being unable to breathe because I miss him and I know he's not coming back. Sleeping is an afterthought now. I'm usually so exhausted after crying that I fall asleep without meaning to.

A lot of people on this forum have suggested grief counselors or support groups to help with this tremendous loss. I have not gone yet, but I feel like I'm not getting any better on my own...

Kirbiboh

[oxfordaussie]

Thanks Kirbiboh

 

I know exactly what you mean and I am grateful for my time to say goodbye.  I'm grateful because for the last 8 weeks when I realised the brain tumor was back with a vengeance, I spent a lot of time holding her hand and telling her I love her.  She knew.  Even the day before she passed when I told her I loved her, I got a chuckle (because she couldnt speak by then) and I knew she heard me.

 

I don't know if people understand my grief though.  They are supportive but they don't really understand why I can 1 minute be fine and the next minute be bawling my eyes out.

 

The worst time is the quiet time on my way driving to work.  I can't block out the thoughts that she isn't here anymore.  I can't hold her hand.  I can't hug her.  I can't tell her I love her.

 

My work has an Employee Assistance Programme that will provide me with access to couselling.  I know I should but the motivation isnt there yet.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear oxfordaussie,

 

I understand your grief. I know how hard it is to come to that blunt realization that your parent is gone, and you can't turn to them for advice, for friendship, for support. I talk to my dad every day even though he's gone. Just the sight of a picture of my dad will cause the tears to form in my eyes. I miss him so dearly. I try not to think about those last hours because the pain starts all over again. But sometimes there is nothing to stop those thoughts from forming and I go from fine to not fine, just like you.

 

The quiet and alone is definitely a time when my thoughts start running. It was never supposed to get this quiet. This house feels a lot bigger and a lot emptier without him here.

 

I wake up with my heart pounding because I so desperately want to go back in time and change it, change everything. Somehow do anything to prevent my dad's death. I know that it could have been prevented, but even still, he would have not wanted to be alive anymore with the brain damage he would be facing. 

 

Plus, added to the fact he was developing lung cancer. There was a mass in his lung which the doctors found at the hospital. So I would have had to watch him just as you did with your mom, which in all honesty, I would never want him to go through. Either way, he was going to be miserable. There was no good ending for either of us. In a way, his sudden death made him miss out on a lot of pain, but in turn it made me miss out on time with him. There can never be enough time, I don't care what anyone says.

 

And about counseling, I too have little motivation to do anything. I can barely even get out of bed as it is. I know that counseling would help, but it just feels like no one else is going to be able to understand the deep connection my dad and I have. My mom can't understand, though she wants to. No one was as close to my dad as me, and I feel no one can possibly make this hurt go away.

 

 

 

 

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi oxfordaussie.  I know what you mean.  I also want my parents back, and that feeling is constant.  Sometimes people try to make me feel better about it (I wish they'd stop trying), and say things that don't make much sense to me, because the truth is that the only thing that would make me happy again would be to have them back, and that's not possible.  In grief counseling I was told that grief is exactly that - a rollercoaster.  Two days ago I was doing somewhat well, feeling a bit of joy, even.  Then suddenly my mood changed.  No reminders, nothing happened, just that my body once again went into that awful realizationthat they are not there, and I was overwhelmed with grief as if they had just passed away.  I think grief is that way, waves of being okay, and then waves of pure anguish, and that as time passes, one becomes more evened out.  Someone told me that the suffering we are experiencing is a sign of how much love we had for them, and how much love they had for us, and this is true.  Holding on to that bit of wisdom keeps me somewhat sane.    

 

Hi All

 

1 week ago last night I lost my mum.

 

It wasn't a surprise.  It had been a 9 month battle against an agressive brain tumor and an inoperable spinal tumor (causing her to lose the use of her legs).  This was all following her fighting small cell lung cancer and pulling through that but unfortunately the disease didn't stop there.  After her legs gave out, we had to put her in an aged care facility as she now had high care needs.  She was only 62.

 

I'm so unbelievably sad yet so glad she is no longer in pain.  I've been emotional for months trying to prepare for the inevitability of losing her. I hate it.  I hate the crying.  I hate the trouble getting a restful sleep.  And I want her back!

 

How did any of you go about handling the emotional rollercoaster?  Its so tiring.  Did you try counselling, meditation......sleep....

 

Oxfordaussie

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Hi oxfordaussie.  I know what you mean.  I also want my parents back, and that feeling is constant.  Sometimes people try to make me feel better about it (I wish they'd stop trying), and say things that don't make much sense to me, because the truth is that the only thing that would make me happy again would be to have them back, and that's not possible.  In grief counseling I was told that grief is exactly that - a rollercoaster.  Two days ago I was doing somewhat well, feeling a bit of joy, even.  Then suddenly my mood changed.  No reminders, nothing happened, just that my body once again went into that awful realizationthat they are not there, and I was overwhelmed with grief as if they had just passed away.  I think grief is that way, waves of being okay, and then waves of pure anguish, and that as time passes, one becomes more evened out.  Someone told me that the suffering we are experiencing is a sign of how much love we had for them, and how much love they had for us, and this is true.  Holding on to that bit of wisdom keeps me somewhat sane.    

 

Dear WhereIsMyHome,

 

I experienced the same kind of feelings today. I was doing remotely fine one minute when I was outside cleaning out one of my dad's sheds clear of all of my grandpa's old junk so I could put some of my mom's stuff in there. You know, to try and take my mind off the whole "my dad is gone" thing, and I just started to lash out at my mom. She kept asking "what's this?" to all of the miscellaneous stuff and I was like, "I don't know, maybe you should ask my grandpa. Or better yet, my dad... oh wait. You can't." She has only tried to help me, and yet I keep pushing her away with all of this anger.

 

I was angry with myself, angry with her, angry with the world for taking my dad from me. I feel like I'm entitled to have a dad and my dad is not supposed to die - ever. No matter how much he smokes, no matter how little he takes care of himself, he is supposed to live. Always. I got so angry with God that he died because of something no one had any control over, a brain aneurysm. I got angry with myself because I continuously feel like it's my fault he couldn't be saved, though I know he would be brain damaged had he survived and neither of us would be happy having him stuck like that. I want a dad, I'm so selfish, I don't care if he's disabled or not, I just want a dad... I can't lie and say I don't want an alive dad. It's the one thing in the world I want more than anything.

 

I certainly don't want to feel this way, but I hate the fact that I get to live and my dad doesn't. He did not deserve this. He didn't deserve to die like that. It's not fair. It's not fair.

 

If all of this suffering is a sign of how much I love my dad, I don't think I'll ever love another person even remotely close to how I love him. I miss him more every day, and it's not getting better, it's only getting worse.

[oxfordaussie]

I keep getting a lot of 'sorry for your loss' from my co-workers.  I love that they care and I hate that when they mention it I think about it again.

 

I just realised that she wont be ringing me on my birthday to sing me happy birthday anymore.  How crap is that?  And there is a part of me that keeps expecting someone to say this is some massively inappropriate joke and it never happened.  It happens in soaps all the time why not my life?

 

Having said that, WhereIsMyHome, I admire your strength.  I can not imagine dealing with the loss of both my parents so close together. Devestating wouldn't begin to cover. 

 

Kirbiboh, I know you have your mum but do either of you have other people to lean on?

[WhereIsMyHome]

I know.  The guilt is part of the grief for sure.  I keep regretting every second that I told mom and dad that I was busy and couldn't go spend time with them.  I know I was with them every chance I got, but it's not enough for my heart.  My heart doesn't believe it.  My mind keeps reviewing everything, as if somehow I failed to keep them alive.  For a while my mind had me thinking that I had killed my dad and then my mom by allowing my dad to undergo the surgery which was the cause of his death, and subsequently mom's too, from heartache.  Rationally speaking, I know that's not true.  How could I have predicted anything?  And yet that's not what my heart says about it.  My heart says I should've known better. 

 

I also know what you mean about not wanting to love that intensely again, if all it leads to is incredible suffering.  On the other hand, I know that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world the wonderfulness of my parents, and the opportunity of having them with me, my intense love for them, and their intense love for me.  It's a gift, painful as it feels right now for having lost them.

 

And you're right, what all of us posting in this website want is not relief from the pain.  What we want is our loved ones back, right now, and that's what hurts most of all.  We need them.

 

Maybe it sounds selfish and crazy of me, but I think losing parents is far harder than losing anyone else (well, maybe a child), because they are the ones that gave you life, they are the ones who were there, helping you at 2, 3, 4, 12, 20, etc.  They are the ones that applaud you when you succeed, and feel as bad as you (or worse) when you don't.  That is, if you have parents that you love and love you back.  Some people aren't and weren't so lucky because they didn't have that sort of wonderful relationship with their parents.  I was one of the lucky ones.  You seem to have been one of the lucky ones too.

 

I think your mom is probably trying hard to stay strong, to have the strength to continue to be your mom and not fall apart, leaving you (her child) without emotional support.  Inside, she might be pretty shattered too, but since you are her child, she's probably trying to be strong.  

 

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.  I'm still just trying to get through the day the best I can from daybreak till the end of the day.    

  

Dear WhereIsMyHome,

 

I experienced the same kind of feelings today. I was doing remotely fine one minute when I was outside cleaning out one of my dad's sheds clear of all of my grandpa's old junk so I could put some of my mom's stuff in there. You know, to try and take my mind off the whole "my dad is gone" thing, and I just started to lash out at my mom. She kept asking "what's this?" to all of the miscellaneous stuff and I was like, "I don't know, maybe you should ask my grandpa. Or better yet, my dad... oh wait. You can't." She has only tried to help me, and yet I keep pushing her away with all of this anger.

 

I was angry with myself, angry with her, angry with the world for taking my dad from me. I feel like I'm entitled to have a dad and my dad is not supposed to die - ever. No matter how much he smokes, no matter how little he takes care of himself, he is supposed to live. Always. I got so angry with God that he died because of something no one had any control over, a brain aneurysm. I got angry with myself because I continuously feel like it's my fault he couldn't be saved, though I know he would be brain damaged had he survived and neither of us would be happy having him stuck like that. I want a dad, I'm so selfish, I don't care if he's disabled or not, I just want a dad... I can't lie and say I don't want an alive dad. It's the one thing in the world I want more than anything.

 

I certainly don't want to feel this way, but I hate the fact that I get to live and my dad doesn't. He did not deserve this. He didn't deserve to die like that. It's not fair. It's not fair.

 

If all of this suffering is a sign of how much I love my dad, I don't think I'll ever love another person even remotely close to how I love him. I miss him more every day, and it's not getting better, it's only getting worse.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi oxford - Thank you, and thank you for explaining what you're going through.  For me, I go from feeling okay, to feeling that I'm not going to be able to make it, to feeling okay again, and then to crying hysterically as if it had all just happened 5 minutes ago.  Today I accidentally dialed their phone number as I used to every day, several times a day, and then realized (again, for the millionth time) that I no longer have them to talk to, to be with, to share my day with them.

 

I keep getting a lot of 'sorry for your loss' from my co-workers.  I love that they care and I hate that when they mention it I think about it again.

 

I just realised that she wont be ringing me on my birthday to sing me happy birthday anymore.  How crap is that?  And there is a part of me that keeps expecting someone to say this is some massively inappropriate joke and it never happened.  It happens in soaps all the time why not my life?

 

Having said that, WhereIsMyHome, I admire your strength.  I can not imagine dealing with the loss of both my parents so close together. Devestating wouldn't begin to cover. 

 

Kirbiboh, I know you have your mum but do either of you have other people to lean on?

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I know.  The guilt is part of the grief for sure.  I keep regretting every second that I told mom and dad that I was busy and couldn't go spend time with them.  I know I was with them every chance I got, but it's not enough for my heart.  My heart doesn't believe it.  My mind keeps reviewing everything, as if somehow I failed to keep them alive.  For a while my mind had me thinking that I had killed my dad and then my mom by allowing my dad to undergo the surgery which was the cause of his death, and subsequently mom's too, from heartache.  Rationally speaking, I know that's not true.  How could I have predicted anything?  And yet that's not what my heart says about it.  My heart says I should've known better. 

 

I also know what you mean about not wanting to love that intensely again, if all it leads to is incredible suffering.  On the other hand, I know that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world the wonderfulness of my parents, and the opportunity of having them with me, my intense love for them, and their intense love for me.  It's a gift, painful as it feels right now for having lost them.

 

And you're right, what all of us posting in this website want is not relief from the pain.  What we want is our loved ones back, right now, and that's what hurts most of all.  We need them.

 

Maybe it sounds selfish and crazy of me, but I think losing parents is far harder than losing anyone else (well, maybe a child), because they are the ones that gave you life, they are the ones who were there, helping you at 2, 3, 4, 12, 20, etc.  They are the ones that applaud you when you succeed, and feel as bad as you (or worse) when you don't.  That is, if you have parents that you love and love you back.  Some people aren't and weren't so lucky because they didn't have that sort of wonderful relationship with their parents.  I was one of the lucky ones.  You seem to have been one of the lucky ones too.

 

I think your mom is probably trying hard to stay strong, to have the strength to continue to be your mom and not fall apart, leaving you (her child) without emotional support.  Inside, she might be pretty shattered too, but since you are her child, she's probably trying to be strong.  

 

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.  I'm still just trying to get through the day the best I can from daybreak till the end of the day.  

 

I know I should truly feel blessed that I even got to know my father at all. His aneurysm could have ruptured years ago and I might have even got to be with him or even remember him at all. I am blessed for the 25 years we got to spend together, but I still feel like I can't let this go and just accept he's gone.

 

There was no rhyme nor reason behind any of this. Your parents didn't deserve this. We didn't deserve this. My dad never hurt a single soul. He gave me everything in life, and what did he get in return? A fatal aneurysm. When I think about my dad, I cry. But I feel like if I stop thinking about my dad, it is disgracing his memory. I don't want to cry anymore, I just want to remember him for how great he is. I just want to forget those last 3 days completely and go on knowing the amazing man he always will be to me.

 

I can't let this go. No matter how much research I do on aneurysms, the result is always the same. They just don't know much about them and the statistics often vary. The general consensus is that survivors are almost better off dying right then and there because they are left gravely disabled. I know it would be so painful for him to continue living that way, it would never be fair to him. But still, I want a disabled dad, not a dead one. Is that so wrong?

 

I can understand your guilt. This terrible feeling deep down in my heart keeps telling me he would still be alive today had he gotten medical attention sooner. But then the conflicting thoughts about how he was just going to stuck living with horrendous disabilities, only to die soon of cancer creep back in, balancing everything out. Had they not found that mass in his lung, I would feel even more guilty that I do right now, if that's possible.

 

But neither of us could ever had imagined something like this could befall our parents. A surgery gone wrong is so clearly not your fault. You had no control over your mother's heart. These things just happen without explanation. I keep telling myself that, but I still don't believe it. I knew something was wrong with my dad, but I obeyed his wishes and didn't call for help. I never even asked if he wanted me to call... he most likely would have said no anyways. He absolutely hated and refused to go to hospitals.

 

My mom is watching me crumble before her eyes, and I know she wants to stay strong for my sake, but there's only so much a person can take. She doesn't want to see me suffering like this. I don't want to suffer like this anymore either.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I keep getting a lot of 'sorry for your loss' from my co-workers.  I love that they care and I hate that when they mention it I think about it again.

 

I just realised that she wont be ringing me on my birthday to sing me happy birthday anymore.  How crap is that?  And there is a part of me that keeps expecting someone to say this is some massively inappropriate joke and it never happened.  It happens in soaps all the time why not my life?

 

Having said that, WhereIsMyHome, I admire your strength.  I can not imagine dealing with the loss of both my parents so close together. Devestating wouldn't begin to cover. 

 

Kirbiboh, I know you have your mum but do either of you have other people to lean on?

 

Your co-workers at least have the kindness to tell you that. It's too bad that no one else will ever really understand how deeply personal this is to anyone, except you. Your relationship with your mum is different than any other relationship in this world, and try as anyone might, they won't understand. Not fully at least.

 

It's crap. Absolute crap. I want this to all be some cruel practical joke and have my dad walk back in the door saying he faked his own death. It happens in soaps all the time. I rather be in a soap, I rather be in a different life than the one I am living now.

 

I do not have anyone else. My mom is my only support. It's crap to say that, but it's the truth. I don't have any friends, not real ones anyways. No one is going to "get" what I'm going through except a select few people on this forum. I've been looking up articles on how to survive after your parent dies, and I've tried it all. I'm stuck in this rut and I don't know when I'll be able to dig myself out.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Kirbiboh - I like reading what you write, because you’re so articulate, and your thoughts remind me of what I’m going through, and make me think. 

 

 

I read what you wrote about your dad not wishing for help to be called, how he hated hospitals, and how much guilt you feel over it.  Yes, I know, and it won’t help for others to tell you not to feel the guilt, because you’re going to anyway.  I know I do.  My dad hated hospitals, doctors, medical treatment, but (more than anything else) he feared medical things.  He felt that all things medical caused death and deterioration of the body, and no one could convince him otherwise.  And while I know that he was partly right, I also know he was partly wrong too.  I wish he’d gone to see a cardiologist sooner so his heart wouldn’t have gotten into the bad shape it got.  However, there’s also the genetics part of it – some people have weaker hearts and are more susceptible to heart disease, and sometimes it doesn’t much matter even if they eat fruits, veggies, organics, exercise like fiends, and get checks ups every 6 months, because they will die younger than most anyhow.  Our genes do make a big difference. 

 

And then of course is the fact that everyone dies, no matter what.  There definitely was no rhyme or reason for this.  With death, there can never be a good reason.  Death is just wrong and unfair.  The unfairness of death makes it impossible to understand.  Today I went to my grief support group, and a question was asked, “How are you handling the days?” and one woman said, “I’m just traveling through time until I can be with him again.”  And that touched on a sensitive note because we are all time travelers in a sense, marking time.  All life ends in death, and it’s unfair, and impossible (for me) to accept, particularly now that I have lost mom and dad. 

 

Another thing, my attempts to find solace in spiritual things is pretty useless.  Two of my friends are quite “churchy” (I am not), and are constantly asking me to go to church with them because they feel that through my attending church regularly, somehow I will be more able to be more accepting of the death of mom and dad.  (Yeah right.)  First, I seriously doubt it because I’m not very open to anything right now, and second, church beliefs have never before explained (for me) the unfairness of death.  The explanations provided by churches as to why death exists made no sense for me before, and they sure aren't going to start making sense now that I’m distraught and angry over the loss of mom and dad.  In fact, I told these two friends that if I attended church and had to listen to the unbelievable (to me) and improbable explanations churches provide for death, I might just end up so angry at God, that I might never ever set foot in a church ever again, because if God did this, or if God designed things to be this way, all I have to say is, he did one heck of an ugly job.  So that's where I am right now.  Is there a meaning to all of this?       

 

I know your mom is crumbling and yet trying to be strong.  The death of your dad is still so recent, that it is normal that you should be feeling bad right now.       

 

I know this is not the sort of thing you might want to hear (hey, nor I), but I’m going to ask it anyway - are you doing anything at all for your own well-being?  I’ve started trying to exercise, and I haven’t had a lot of success, but I do try to go through the motions rather miserably.  What about your mom?  Take care    

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear WhereIsMyHome,

 

Thank you for the compliment. It could very well be the nicest thing anyone has said to me for the last 19 days.

And these last 19 days have not been so nice for me. I've faced a multitude of seemingly random events, so random that I am thinking maybe they are a sign from my dad. First of all, someone came by and tried to siphon the gas out of my dad's old truck. The absolute one time that my dad isn't here and someone tries to steal from him. I caught the guy and he ran off, leaving the truck spewing gas into a gas can for a good hour or so and no way of stopping it. It eventually filled up, then I began to fill as many buckets with it as I could until it finally stopped, then put the gas away in a shed. I left it alone for less than an hour, only for the guy to come back and steal the gas anyways, buckets and all.

 

Needless to say, I was a bit pissed off. That, coupled with the fact that my dad just died sent me into a frenzy. How dare someone try to take what is his, I thought. Then I somehow thought this maybe was the first challenge my dad had set for me, to show me that I can make it on my own, that I don't always need to rely on his guidance. I asked myself what he would do in this situation, and being the nice guy that he always was, he'd choose to let it go. So that's what I did. I let it go. The truck was never going to be driven again anyways, it's old and beat up.

 

Then today, a sprinkler valve burst and it began to shoot water straight up into the air. The one single valve that my dad hadn't replaced had finally broken. The very last one. He had fixed every other one with new thingies, and this was my responsibility now. I somehow managed to get the water shut off and I actually know how to fix it because I watched my dad do it so many times. He taught me so many things I never thought I'd need, and now I can't thank him enough.

 

A member of this forum mentioned how death is an ugly enemy. That's the understatement of the year. I never really thought too much about death and now it's all I can think about. I don't want to die, but there's that glimmer of hope that when I do, I get to see my dad again. I'm just going through the motions until that glorious moment comes. In a way it kind of makes me no longer afraid of dying. My grandpa, my dad's father, died from a supposed heart attack, but with how little knowledge there is brain aneurysms even today, who's to say back then that he did not die from one himself? I could very well be next in line to suffer the same fate, and I know now first hand how unfair death can be. Our genes make a big difference

 

As for the guilt, I've felt slightly less guilty with every horror story I read about what brain damage can do from an aneurysm rupture. My dad never wanted help, he would never ask for me to call 911, but still, there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind. Had I called, what sort of life would he be living now? A miserable one most likely, but at least he'd be living a life. I'm torn between how badly I want him to live and how badly I don't want him to be unhappy. Him unhappy makes me unhappy, which is no life for either of us.

 

About church, I too feel the same way on that matter. I never really paid attention in church as a child and eventually stopped going altogether. But now, after all of this, I can't just accept that my dad died and he's now floating around in the abyss. He has to be somewhere, with God, or whoever. I know we're supposed to be called back home after we die, but I always felt my dad's home was here with me.

 

.And as for my own well-being, I'm not doing much of anything for it. I've tried to keep the same routine as closely as I did before my dad died, but sometimes there really seems to be no point in doing so. I want there to be a point to life after what made life worth living dies.

[oxfordaussie]

Dear WhereIsMyHome,

 

Thank you for the compliment. It could very well be the nicest thing anyone has said to me for the last 19 days.

And these last 19 days have not been so nice for me. I've faced a multitude of seemingly random events, so random that I am thinking maybe they are a sign from my dad. First of all, someone came by and tried to siphon the gas out of my dad's old truck. The absolute one time that my dad isn't here and someone tries to steal from him. I caught the guy and he ran off, leaving the truck spewing gas into a gas can for a good hour or so and no way of stopping it. It eventually filled up, then I began to fill as many buckets with it as I could until it finally stopped, then put the gas away in a shed. I left it alone for less than an hour, only for the guy to come back and steal the gas anyways, buckets and all.

 

Needless to say, I was a bit pissed off. That, coupled with the fact that my dad just died sent me into a frenzy. How dare someone try to take what is his, I thought. Then I somehow thought this maybe was the first challenge my dad had set for me, to show me that I can make it on my own, that I don't always need to rely on his guidance. I asked myself what he would do in this situation, and being the nice guy that he always was, he'd choose to let it go. So that's what I did. I let it go. The truck was never going to be driven again anyways, it's old and beat up.

 

Then today, a sprinkler valve burst and it began to shoot water straight up into the air. The one single valve that my dad hadn't replaced had finally broken. The very last one. He had fixed every other one with new thingies, and this was my responsibility now. I somehow managed to get the water shut off and I actually know how to fix it because I watched my dad do it so many times. He taught me so many things I never thought I'd need, and now I can't thank him enough.

 

A member of this forum mentioned how death is an ugly enemy. That's the understatement of the year. I never really thought too much about death and now it's all I can think about. I don't want to die, but there's that glimmer of hope that when I do, I get to see my dad again. I'm just going through the motions until that glorious moment comes. In a way it kind of makes me no longer afraid of dying. My grandpa, my dad's father, died from a supposed heart attack, but with how little knowledge there is brain aneurysms even today, who's to say back then that he did not die from one himself? I could very well be next in line to suffer the same fate, and I know now first hand how unfair death can be. Our genes make a big difference

 

As for the guilt, I've felt slightly less guilty with every horror story I read about what brain damage can do from an aneurysm rupture. My dad never wanted help, he would never ask for me to call 911, but still, there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind. Had I called, what sort of life would he be living now? A miserable one most likely, but at least he'd be living a life. I'm torn between how badly I want him to live and how badly I don't want him to be unhappy. Him unhappy makes me unhappy, which is no life for either of us.

 

About church, I too feel the same way on that matter. I never really paid attention in church as a child and eventually stopped going altogether. But now, after all of this, I can't just accept that my dad died and he's now floating around in the abyss. He has to be somewhere, with God, or whoever. I know we're supposed to be called back home after we die, but I always felt my dad's home was here with me.

 

.And as for my own well-being, I'm not doing much of anything for it. I've tried to keep the same routine as closely as I did before my dad died, but sometimes there really seems to be no point in doing so. I want there to be a point to life after your parent, or parents dies.

 

I understand the anger Kirbiboh.

 

When things started to get bad (ie when mum started to seriously lose her short term memory and ability to talk) I remember coming to work on the Monday and I physically couldn't stop crying.  I sat in my bosses office because she wanted me to talk to her about it.  I didn't want to talk! I was devestated.  My awesome, smart, articulate Mum was deteriorating in front of me.  How do you 'talk' about the fact she had lost the previous 8 weeks completely.  How do you talk about having to explain her diagnosis all over again.  How do you talk about having to tell her over and over and over again how she needed to go to the toilet using a catheter and pad (read nappy) because her legs don't work!

 

I have never cried like that in my life.  To this day, that was the moment I remember acknowledging time was short and would be unbelievably and undeniably painful.

 

I will say this though, no matter what side you fall on ie quick passing (like your dad) or slow passing (like my mum) there will always and I mean ALWAYS be pain and regret because afterall the thing that hurts the most is that they simply aren't with us anymore.  I loved that I got to tell my mum I loved her again and again....but she knew that already.  We are a close family and she knew I loved her as I'm sure your dad knew you loved him too.  However, the bad side is that I had to watch her deteriorate, get confused, get scared, cry a lot, battle with the inevitability of dying.  So while I'll be glad forever that I had the time, I am almost positive my mum wouldn't feel the same.  That last day she woke up and she couldn't talk my sister, dad and I were there.  I was holding her hand at the time and her eyes told me how terrified she was.

 

At the moment I'm exhausted and I acknowledge I've been hard on myself this week.  I'm at work and she passed away a week ago.  I should have probably given myself the time at home to rest but having never gone through this before I thought I should just get back to it.  Was it the right thing to do?? I just don't know, but we make decisions with the information we have on hand.  Which meant for me getting back to work.

 

So trust me, I understand the conflicting emotions, the crying, the anger.  I am lucky to have support in my twin sister and to a lesser extent my dad but in the end we still have to move through and process the grief ourselves don't we.  Having never been through losing a parent/s before how are we supposed to know what we need?  We don't, which is why we come here and talk to people who are experience the same overwhelming loss and hopefully....hopefully....we learn to smile again.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I understand the anger Kirbiboh.

 

When things started to get bad (ie when mum started to seriously lose her short term memory and ability to talk) I remember coming to work on the Monday and I physically couldn't stop crying.  I sat in my bosses office because she wanted me to talk to her about it.  I didn't want to talk! I was devestated.  My awesome, smart, articulate Mum was deteriorating in front of me.  How do you 'talk' about the fact she had lost the previous 8 weeks completely.  How do you talk about having to explain her diagnosis all over again.  How do you talk about having to tell her over and over and over again how she needed to go to the toilet using a catheter and pad (read nappy) because her legs don't work!

 

I have never cried like that in my life.  To this day, that was the moment I remember acknowledging time was short and would be unbelievably and undeniably painful.

 

I will say this though, no matter what side you fall on ie quick passing (like your dad) or slow passing (like my mum) there will always and I mean ALWAYS be pain and regret because afterall the thing that hurts the most is that they simply aren't with us anymore.  I loved that I got to tell my mum I loved her again and again....but she knew that already.  We are a close family and she knew I loved her as I'm sure your dad knew you loved him too.  However, the bad side is that I had to watch her deteriorate, get confused, get scared, cry a lot, battle with the inevitability of dying.  So while I'll be glad forever that I had the time, I am almost positive my mum wouldn't feel the same.  That last day she woke up and she couldn't talk my sister, dad and I were there.  I was holding her hand at the time and her eyes told me how terrified she was.

 

At the moment I'm exhausted and I acknowledge I've been hard on myself this week.  I'm at work and she passed away a week ago.  I should have probably given myself the time at home to rest but having never gone through this before I thought I should just get back to it.  Was it the right thing to do?? I just don't know, but we make decisions with the information we have on hand.  Which meant for me getting back to work.

 

So trust me, I understand the conflicting emotions, the crying, the anger.  I am lucky to have support in my twin sister and to a lesser extent my dad but in the end we still have to move through and process the grief ourselves don't we.  Having never been through losing a parent/s before how are we supposed to know what we need?  We don't, which is why we come here and talk to people who are experience the same overwhelming loss and hopefully....hopefully....we learn to smile again.

 

Talking doesn't do much for me. How do you talk about how your dad is fine one day, then passes out the next and never wakes back up? How do you get that image out of your head? But on the other hand, how do you not talk about anything other than your parent who has died? No amount of talking is going to make what happened okay or acceptable. I know the final "stage" of grief is acceptance, but I can't ever accept my dad has died. He can't just be gone like that, disappearing without a trace. He's still here. Everything's fine, and yet...

.

I am so angry at the world for causing this to happen to my dad. The one person I could feel truly free and normal around is gone because of an aneurysm that just bursts one day. You literally have no chance of stopping it from happening unless you actually go out of your way to get tests done and find it before it does. These were circumstances beyond anyone's control, much like cancer. My dad didn't want this, I certainly didn't want this.

 

Not to mention the whole guilt part of it. I keep asking myself how this could have happened. What could I have done to make sure this didn't happen? The smoking bit, for one. But he loved to smoke and I know he never would quit. Even if it killed him, which it did. Even if he had survived this, which odds were stacked high against him, his brain would be beyond repair. So there's a slight comfort in that, too. However little it may be.

 

And as for still working, you did what you thought was right. You kept on working despite everything and that may have been a good choice. The moment you stop doing anything else to take your mind off of it, even for one second, your mind immediately runs back to your parent who you lost and all that pain comes flooding back in. I wish I knew of a way to make it stop, or even a slight distraction. I can go for a good thirty minutes to an hour or so of not thinking about my dad, but only if I put on headphones and blast music into my ears. But eventually even that won't hold back the tears, the intense breathing for long.

 

I want to smile again, Oxfordaussie... but it wouldn't feel like a real smile. At least not yet, anyways.

[Trish91]

Dear Kirbiboh, Whereis my Home and Oxfordaussie,

 

Again, I am trully sorry for your loses, and I think you are amazing Whereismyhome, for losing your parents within two days of each other is a real tragedy, but you have been able to survive and have found ways to cope and keep living in spite of the unbearable pain.

 

Kirbiboh, you are a remarkable man, so young and yet so mature and thoughtful, your introspection never ceases to amaze me, and I loved your stories about the fuel and the sprinkler valve. They are indeed signs that your dad is and will always be with you and that you will be able to survive and ultimately make him proud and be proud of yourself.

 

It is great that you have still got your mom with you, and I do hope that you can also make the most of whatever time you have together.

 

It is a real pity that you feel that you have no friends you can trust with your sorrow, which is why it is essential that you also find a support group and/or a grief counselor whenever you feel ready.

 

Oxfordaussie, it's great that you have a twin sister and amazing how you were able to get back to work immediately after your mom's death! You are remarkable too. I could have never done so, and in fact, I took all my holidays, sick leave and compassionate leave in order to deal with my mom's estate and grieve. I am starting a new job next week though, and somehow freaking out about it, as I am no the happy and confident person that I used to be. My mom's death, from metastatic lung cancer, truly shattered me, and when she was here I always felt that I could do anything and it was us against the world......

 

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I have a great husband, a good dad who has been fantastic through this, some great friends, and my aunties and uncles, my mom's siblings, who have also been a source of great support, and who remind me of my mom every single second of every single day, as their voices and faces are very similar.

 

Anyhow, it is still extremely hard for me, I cry every day, and I go from calm and hopeful to anxious and terribly sad from one moment to the next. It is horrendous. Also, I wake up way too early and have lost a lot weight even though I haven't really stopped eating. I didn't even realise how much weight I'd lost until all my friends and my husband starting pointing it out. I have been so grief stricken that my looks and even my own wellbeing are not important right now, as I am struggling daily to survive and find meaning to my life after losing my fiercest supporter, my mom.

 

I am not religious and have never been. I believe there is a Supreme Being, call Him/Her God or whatever you please, and that there is another dimension where our souls go to when we die. I also believe that death is a natural part of life, and since we will all get there eventually, sooner or later, I don't think it is God's pleasure to take our loved ones to make us suffer, but rather the natural course of life.  I do not go to church, ever, I haven't been there for ages, but I do talk to God and my mom every day. I know they are with me even if I cannot see them, because otherwise I would not have been able to do all the things that I did after she passed away, and in such a short time.

 

My mom was and is my everything, and although it hurts not having her with me every moment of every day, to the point that I feel sick to my stomach quite often, I know that we will be together again when my time comes. This is what keeps me going. I want to live of course, to make her proud and continue to honor her, but I also have hope in our reunion, in being together once more, because our love was and is endless.

 

Anyhow, I know where you are all coming from. I truly honestly struggle all the time, but somehow I have managed to live these last two months without her being physically here and, most importantly, I think that knowing that she's no longer suffering makes a huge difference on how I view her death. She was always full of life and joy, and would not have been able to live without being completely autonomous, so she's now in a place where she does no longer experience any sort of pain and suffering.

 

[WhereIsMyHome]

Thank you, Trish, for your beautiful words.  I’m so sorry to hear about your mom.  She sounds like an awesome mom.  I can only imagine how much you must be suffering at getting used to not having her with you.

 

As for me, I wake up every morning in shock and disbelief that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without mom and dad.  They were truly good parents.  I miss them terribly.  I know this is going to sound odd, but I worry about them even now, my beautiful mom and dad.

 

Before they passed, I worried about this happening.  How would I be able to cope without them?  Like you with your mom, my mom was my all, my best friend, my biggest fan, I was her biggest fan, we supported one another throughout, and though nothing is perfect, she certainly came a close second.  My dad was a typical sort of guy in that he was not terribly emotional, and yet he showed his love by being our rock of stability, always putting his family before all things, always being there to reassure everyone that things would be okay.  He was also my mom’s emotional security.  They loved one another so much that not long before they passed, he was still writing her love poems, which I can't bear to read because it hurts too much. 

 

Your view of the relationship with your mom as endless love is a perfect description.  Mom and dad might not be here with me, but the love is there, ever-present.  Still, just when I think I’m all cried out, the tears come again because I need them here.  I’d give anything to see them again.      

Dear Kirbiboh, Whereis my Home and Oxfordaussie,

 

Again, I am trully sorry for your loses, and I think you are amazing Whereismyhome, for losing your parents within two days of each other is a real tragedy, but you have been able to survive and have found ways to cope and keep living in spite of the unbearable pain.

 

Kirbiboh, you are a remarkable man, so young and yet so mature and thoughtful, your introspection never ceases to amaze me, and I loved your stories about the fuel and the sprinkler valve. They are indeed signs that your dad is and will always be with you and that you will be able to survive and ultimately make him proud and be proud of yourself.

 

It is great that you have still got your mom with you, and I do hope that you can also make the most of whatever time you have together.

 

It is a real pity that you feel that you have no friends you can trust with your sorrow, which is why it is essential that you also find a support group and/or a grief counselor whenever you feel ready.

 

Oxfordaussie, it's great that you have a twin sister and amazing how you were able to get back to work immediately after your mom's death! You are remarkable too. I could have never done so, and in fact, I took all my holidays, sick leave and compassionate leave in order to deal with my mom's estate and grieve. I am starting a new job next week though, and somehow freaking out about it, as I am no the happy and confident person that I used to be. My mom's death, from metastatic lung cancer, truly shattered me, and when she was here I always felt that I could do anything and it was us against the world......

 

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I have a great husband, a good dad who has been fantastic through this, some great friends, and my aunties and uncles, my mom's siblings, who have also been a source of great support, and who remind me of my mom every single second of every single day, as their voices and faces are very similar.

 

Anyhow, it is still extremely hard for me, I cry every day, and I go from calm and hopeful to anxious and terribly sad from one moment to the next. It is horrendous. Also, I wake up way too early and have lost a lot weight even though I haven't really stopped eating. I didn't even realise how much weight I'd lost until all my friends and my husband starting pointing it out. I have been so grief stricken that my looks and even my own wellbeing are not important right now, as I am struggling daily to survive and find meaning to my life after losing my fiercest supporter, my mom.

 

I am not religious and have never been. I believe there is a Supreme Being, call Him/Her God or whatever you please, and that there is another dimension where our souls go to when we die. I also believe that death is a natural part of life, and since we will all get there eventually, sooner or later, I don't think it is God's pleasure to take our loved ones to make us suffer, but rather the natural course of life.  I do not go to church, ever, I haven't been there for ages, but I do talk to God and my mom every day. I know they are with me even if I cannot see them, because otherwise I would not have been able to do all the things that I did after she passed away, and in such a short time.

 

My mom was and is my everything, and although it hurts not having her with me every moment of every day, to the point that I feel sick to my stomach quite often, I know that we will be together again when my time comes. This is what keeps me going. I want to live of course, to make her proud and continue to honor her, but I also have hope in our reunion, in being together once more, because our love was and is endless.

 

Anyhow, I know where you are all coming from. I truly honestly struggle all the time, but somehow I have managed to live these last two months without her being physically here and, most importantly, I think that knowing that she's no longer suffering makes a huge difference on how I view her death. She was always full of life and joy, and would not have been able to live without being completely autonomous, so she's now in a place where she does no longer experience any sort of pain and suffering.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

To Trish,

 

I wish I could feel the same way about myself as you feel about me. That's truly inspiring to know that I've helped you in some way, no matter how small of a difference I've made to you. All I've ever wanted the last few weeks was to help others, especially when I couldn't help my dad. It's the least I can do. If I can even make one other person change their way of thinking, I hope that can make my dad proud to call me his son.

 

It is good that you have such support surrounding you. I wish I had as many family members willing to reach out to me in my desperate time of need, but I lost touch with almost all of them long ago. My extended family had a falling out involving some of my grandma's money that was stolen or something, I don't really know all the details. So basically everyone stopped talking to each other after that, and then she passed away. My dad and I moved into her house and that's where we have stayed. Now I'm the only one left here... it's lonely.

 

I do have a cousin that has dropped by, but he is moving right now and can't really be involved. I also have my mom, and for that I am blessed to at least have one person who knew my dad and dare I say loved him at one time, but she's only one person and can only do so much. She's tried her hardest to support me and wants me to look at all the positives to come from my dad's sudden passing.

 

I know I should indeed look at the positives of this tragedy that struck my dad, but it's so hard to do so. How do you expect to call any type of death positive, no matter how it happened? He died so suddenly and didn't have to suffer painfully so I guess there's one positive. But then in return, I am the one left suffering while he gets to be free. The other positive is that he was also developing lung cancer, which they in fact discovered at the hospital, so he was fortunately spared of that too. I am the one left to take all of the pain while he gets to be free from pain forevermore.

 

My dad's brain was dying from the moment the rupture began. The damage that occurs during this time is irreversible. Had he been saved, who's to say what kind of shape he'd be in. The last thing I'd ever want for my dad would be to have him live the rest of his life brain damaged, just so I could be given the privilege of still having him around. I couldn't ask that of him. Neither of us would have been happy to watch him go through that. He would have been forced into months, maybe even years of therapy to get back to how he was, not to mention that the risk of an aneurysm re-rupturing is still there so I may have gotten him back, only to lose him again which would have been even more devastating than this.

 

My dad was the most independent person you could know, and he didn't rely on anyone but himself. That's why I relied on him, he was the strongest person ever to me. He was the only person who knew how to do anything you could ask of him. That's why when the sprinkler broke, I knew right away I could never fix it the way he can. He taught me so much and our time together was long, but it just wasn't enough. I could have had him for 100 years and it'd still not be enough.

 

I cry every day, sometimes just out of the blue when my mind begins to run wild and my thoughts turn back to those final moments I had with him. I don't want to remember that part at all, period. I wish I had some sort of selective memory loss and just forget that he ever died. I want our days spent together to be the best moments of my life. I want the memories to not be a constant reminder that he isn't here anymore.

 

I understand what you mean about not talking care of yourself. When you have so many other things on your mind, it's hard to focus on yourself. Happiness for me is an afterthought now. I can manage to eat, actually I'm eating a lot more than I ever could and have been going for much longer without it. Sleeping is bad enough as it is, but I can manage to fall asleep for a few hours at a time before I awake to the dark thoughts, all the guilt. I want this guilt to go away, Trish. I want to spend the rest of my life honoring my dad, not blaming myself for what happened to him. I know he doesn't blame me, but I blame me and that's a feeling I can't seem to shake.

 

Dear Kirbiboh, Whereis my Home and Oxfordaussie,

 

Again, I am trully sorry for your loses, and I think you are amazing Whereismyhome, for losing your parents within two days of each other is a real tragedy, but you have been able to survive and have found ways to cope and keep living in spite of the unbearable pain.

 

Kirbiboh, you are a remarkable man, so young and yet so mature and thoughtful, your introspection never ceases to amaze me, and I loved your stories about the fuel and the sprinkler valve. They are indeed signs that your dad is and will always be with you and that you will be able to survive and ultimately make him proud and be proud of yourself.

 

It is great that you have still got your mom with you, and I do hope that you can also make the most of whatever time you have together.

 

It is a real pity that you feel that you have no friends you can trust with your sorrow, which is why it is essential that you also find a support group and/or a grief counselor whenever you feel ready.

 

Oxfordaussie, it's great that you have a twin sister and amazing how you were able to get back to work immediately after your mom's death! You are remarkable too. I could have never done so, and in fact, I took all my holidays, sick leave and compassionate leave in order to deal with my mom's estate and grieve. I am starting a new job next week though, and somehow freaking out about it, as I am no the happy and confident person that I used to be. My mom's death, from metastatic lung cancer, truly shattered me, and when she was here I always felt that I could do anything and it was us against the world......

 

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I have a great husband, a good dad who has been fantastic through this, some great friends, and my aunties and uncles, my mom's siblings, who have also been a source of great support, and who remind me of my mom every single second of every single day, as their voices and faces are very similar.

 

Anyhow, it is still extremely hard for me, I cry every day, and I go from calm and hopeful to anxious and terribly sad from one moment to the next. It is horrendous. Also, I wake up way too early and have lost a lot weight even though I haven't really stopped eating. I didn't even realise how much weight I'd lost until all my friends and my husband starting pointing it out. I have been so grief stricken that my looks and even my own wellbeing are not important right now, as I am struggling daily to survive and find meaning to my life after losing my fiercest supporter, my mom.

 

I am not religious and have never been. I believe there is a Supreme Being, call Him/Her God or whatever you please, and that there is another dimension where our souls go to when we die. I also believe that death is a natural part of life, and since we will all get there eventually, sooner or later, I don't think it is God's pleasure to take our loved ones to make us suffer, but rather the natural course of life.  I do not go to church, ever, I haven't been there for ages, but I do talk to God and my mom every day. I know they are with me even if I cannot see them, because otherwise I would not have been able to do all the things that I did after she passed away, and in such a short time.

 

My mom was and is my everything, and although it hurts not having her with me every moment of every day, to the point that I feel sick to my stomach quite often, I know that we will be together again when my time comes. This is what keeps me going. I want to live of course, to make her proud and continue to honor her, but I also have hope in our reunion, in being together once more, because our love was and is endless.

 

Anyhow, I know where you are all coming from. I truly honestly struggle all the time, but somehow I have managed to live these last two months without her being physically here and, most importantly, I think that knowing that she's no longer suffering makes a huge difference on how I view her death. She was always full of life and joy, and would not have been able to live without being completely autonomous, so she's now in a place where she does no longer experience any sort of pain and suffering.

[oxfordaussie]

Ok good news story for me.....I didn't cry on the way to work this morning!  I'll cry at some time, just a few tears I'm sure but this morning, the quiet didn't bother me so much.

 

Did any of you think about that?

 

How hard it would be to deal with the quiet?

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear oxfordaussie,

 

I am so proud of you for not crying! I mean, if there is a reason to be proud for something like that. We can't cry all the time every day or we'd never get anything accomplished and we still (sometimes unfortunately) have a lot of life left to live.

 

I think about the quiet every single day, oxfordaussie. I am living in my father's house where he and I spent the last 8 years cleaning up ever since my grandma passed away and left it to him. It was an absolute disaster area before we moved in. But now, this house does not feel like a home anymore. It used to, but it's just so quiet. I need my dad's presence to be here. I just need to see him sitting in his chair like he always is.

 

Ok good news story for me.....I didn't cry on the way to work this morning!  I'll cry at some time, just a few tears I'm sure but this morning, the quiet didn't bother me so much.

 

Did any of you think about that?

 

How hard it would be to deal with the quiet?