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14 Years


YoungGrandma

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Hello, I'm new to the forums here and wanted to say hello. 

 

I've lost both of my parents.  My dad in 1991, and my mom in 2000.  I was able to deal with my grief over the loss of my dad in a healthy way, saw a counselor for awhile, etc.  But my mom's death shattered me.  And my daughter.  I had no time to grieve.  I had to deal with too many things.  My daughter was so shattered she attempted suicide.  I had to shove my own grief aside to help her.  Then I was going through a divorce.  And a major back surgery.  And the loss of a job.  And then moving from PA to FL.  Not to mention all the hatred and rage I was feeling towards my step-dad for things he said and did after mom died.

 

Then in 2007, I went through a horrible depression where I was suicidal.  My daughter had moved out for school.  I was alone, truly alone, for the very first time in my life.  And it was like all that grief that I had held back all those years suddenly crashed down on top of me and I couldn't handle it. 

 

Now here in 2014, I've finally gotten a handle on the deep depression.  I have more good days then bad.  However....I think because of everything I was going through, I still never properly or fully grieved over the loss of my mom.

 

She was my most loyal ally, my fiercest protector, my best friend.  We were inseparable.  We spoke on the phone a couple times a day whether we needed to or not.  We went shopping and on vacations together.  I am a writer, and she was helping to edit my last book when she died.  She was my biggest supporter and cheerleader in that endeavor.  When she died, I put down my pen, and haven't lifted it to write another word since, even though I desperately want to.

 

The grief is just still sitting there, clouding up my mind, cluttering my thoughts, creating havoc in an otherwise happy existence.  I have two small grandchildren who bring me immense joy.  Yet when I look at them, I can't help but think "What would mom think of these two beautiful boys?  How much would she spoil them?  How proud of them would she be?"  I know the answers, she would be over the moon about them.  She would have them so spoiled it wouldn't even be funny.

 

I am still filled with so much anger and bitterness towards my step-dad that it's all consuming.  I've forgiven him in my head, but not in my heart.  Not yet.  And I don't know if I can.  But lately I've been hearing a small quiet whisper in the back of my head saying "Call him, make peace, forgive."  I don't know if that's God's prompting or my mothers.  But either way, it's stirred up a lot of things I had thought I had buried.

 

Tonight I sat and wrote him a letter.  Letting all the hatred and anger spill out.  Whether or not I send it is another story, but for now I think it has helped to get all of it out of my head.

 

Still 14 years later, I can't talk about my mom without crying, choking up.  I saw a picture of her on Christmas day that had me bursting into tears immediately.

 

I'm ready to let go of all of it.  To just cherish my memories of her and celebrate her life, instead of constantly wallowing in all of this sadness over losing my best friend, in all the hatred for my step-dad.  But I find thats much harder then it seems.  I don't know how to go about it.

 

So here I am.  Broken, and looking for guidance.

 

Thank you for reading.

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Hello young grandma,

Just a small introduction of myself. I lost mum and dad in 2008 -10 days apart. Mum to cancer ... She fought for 10 weeks ... And dad gave up on the day mum died and passed 10 days later. I have always felt that dad was neglected and I didn't get the chance to grieve for him properly, as we were to focused on mum.

I read you post and felt for you. But you know what ... I think the fact that you have survived through everything you've been thro shows courage.

You said that you haven't written since your mum passed ... But reading your post, I can tell your a writer ... Your words were moving and I truly thought I was reading a novel in parts. I think you will be presently surprised if you start to write again .... And u know that's what mum would want.

I hope these words of mine reach you and help.

Drum

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Drum,

 

Thank you for your reply.  I'm sorry for the loss of your parents.  Especially so close together like that.  It had to be hard.

 

And thank you for your kind words about writing.  I have 2 novels stuck in my head, screaming to be let out, but every time I sit down to try to do that, I just end up blank.  I freeze and the words just won't come.  But thank you for that encouragement.  I know it's what mom would have wanted me to do, but it doesnt make it any less difficult.

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I know how you feel i lost my mum last year but my little brother (13) and my big brother(23) werent coping well. So i have had to push aside how i was coping for them. It hurts so bad. I was so sorry for your loss. A woman at my mums funeral said as long as you are thinking of them they are always with us. I dont know if this will help you but it has helped me :)

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Hello again young grandma ,

Ty for your words about mum and dad. This is my first reply to anyone in these forums. I don't use this site at all. I get emails when ppl post and I occasionally read them.

It would be hard to write because it is something your mum played a big part in.

Would it help to put the novels on tape ? Or hard drive these days .....

Speak the novel ... Not write ... Then perhaps later put it on paper ... Try some baby steps

Perhaps email a friend .... Just a small bit ... Just get used to writing again ..

Drum :)

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