In extreme agony and helpless

[Ziti]

My cat of fifteen years is in the last days of his life and I am in extreme sadness. He has always been there for me and is my best friend. I have had animals in the past who I have loved dearly. Ziti is such a rare gem I found in my life. He understands me like no one else. He has been fighting cancer thyroid and now kidney failure. He is in a hospital 2 hours away and I can't imagine what he must be thinking. I need help and I don't have anyone that I think truly understands how and why I feel the way I do.

[Steve s mom]

I understand how you feel I have cats myself and I have had several old or sick ones.as hard as it may be sometimes it may just be time for them to go to end their suffering .i was with several of my pets who had to be put to sleep,when that time comes when they can fight no more,go to them and hold them while they go to heaven ,you will meet them again.

[nammi_nammi]

I'm so sorry you're struggling.  I'm struggling too so may not be much help, but I'll try...  I had a cat once that passed from FIP, and it was so hard her last few months.  We didn't even know what she had til just a few days before she passed from it - it's a very hard disease to diagnose and there is no cure for it.  I do understand your sadness.  It's hard caring for an ill animal you know is going to pass away at anytime.  All I can say is do what you feel is best.  Be with it as much as you can.  I regret that so much with my Sunshine.  Wish I had just spent time holding her and given her more time in those last days.  It's hard - I knew she had to be put to sleep sometime, but when??  I held on and held on...  Finally she went on her own on a Sunday morning after some struggling.  It was terrible, and I didn't know what to do.  The vet wasn't in on Sunday and wasn't sure she should be bothered at that point anyway.  She was under my son's bed and just didn't feel right to move her or anything, so I just tried to be in the room with her and talked to her.  That's good your cat is in a hospital now where he can get the help he needs, but I understand your worry for him being so far away from you.  My thoughts are with you and am here if you need to talk.  I'm pretty much doing my grief alone, and it's really hard. 

[Ziti]

Thank you both for responding and sharing your heartfelt stories. It is nice to have people who truly understand because I don't that currently. I have received comments of things I could with all the money I am spending and so forth. Their intentions are not meant to harm me but again they simply don't have that live for animals. He was finally able to come home last night and everyday he is with me is a true blessing. I don't have much time with him and try not to think about the decisions I will have to make. Thank you for supplying me a safe place to chat. It means the world and hope I can continue to chat with you to get through this.

[nammi_nammi]

I'm so glad your cat is back home with you now.  It has to be so hard what you're going through.  When you know the time is limited, it hurts.  I understand about the comments.  But it's worthwhile spending it on your cat if it can possibly help.  It sure is.  Just ignore that.  You have to try if there's any hope at all - at least that's how I feel about it.  No matter how much it costs if you could do it.  I'm sure helping your cat and having it alive and with you feels much more important than a vacation or anything money can buy.  I heard some callous things after I lost my cats.  The one that got to me a lot was, "At least you all got out safe."  No, my cats didn't.  I don't know how many people told me that, and it was really hard to smile and be kind to them.  And if I did mention I lost my cats, it would just get ignored or there'd be an awkward silence for a moment then on to something else.  You can definitely continue to talk here.  My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a pet.  I've lost several - cats, birds, goats...  It's never easy, but each experience has been different.  I have to say this time around has been the absolute worst for me as I lost all my cats at once.  ((hugs))  Take care.  I don't have anyone else who understands, either.  I'm here to listen.  We need it just as much as anyone who has lost a human.  Sending your cat cuddles...  I love all animals, but my pick are cats.  =)  There are cats around this rental home, and I just want to snatch them all up but can't.  =(  As soon as we get in our new home I'm taking my sister's cat and going to try to move on...  Will never be the same, but...    

[Ziti]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your home and kitties; I can't imagine what you must be going through. Thanks for your kind words and inspiration. I am hanging in there, just an emotional roller coaster but worth it. Everything is for him and I have no regrets. I hope you find a place soon because it sounds like you would give a homeless kitty the best life he could imagine and would be so lucky to be the one.

[nammi_nammi]

Thanks Ziti.  It's been really hard; but the focus lately has been on getting a new home, and I'm afraid it's going to complicate my grief because that's mostly been on hold lately.  I've been suffering from unbearable anxiety just trying to deal with house stuff.  We've got our new home, a double-wide, waiting for us on the house lot, but we've been having trouble finding someone to demolish our burnt one and fill in the basement.  Finally we found someone who was going to do it Monday for us, but now this horrible ice storm coming Sunday night into Monday with ice and snow!!  So I'm really not expecting it to happen Monday now.  So up in the air again, and anxiety continues - on top of hoping we're not sitting in the dark without electricity now when this happens.  Just all about to drive me crazy.  Sometimes I feel I'm losing my mind.  I'm alone a lot and no cats around now makes it really hard.  Whenever we get into our new home, my sister is going to give me her one-eyed cat Bella.  She's not a cat person and kind of got roped into taking it from a friend 6 years ago.  I'm sure it gets virtually no attention because her dogs do.  I'm getting tired of waiting, though!!  I just want it now!!  I'm afraid it could get lost in the move, though.  I couldn't deal with losing another cat again.  So I'm trying to wait...  I also want another cat eventually to keep her company.  Out in the country where we lived there were always stray cats coming around.  All my cats were strays but 2 that we took from someone.  I'd love to have a kitten, but I feel I should wait around because you never know what kitties will show up at anytime when we get back home.   

[lkb1963]

Hi,
Wow!  I am so sorry about your cats & house.  And your cat as well, Ziti.  I am in a similar situation.  I lost my husband, dog, most of my house and possessions early on July 4th.
I am in temp housing -- but had a major spiral on Feb 28 -- it was my birthday (I took a vacation day just to deal with house issues) and the next day would've been my anniversary. 
Not only you are dealing with the loss of your pets, but rebuilding your house/home is extremely difficult.  It has been 6 months -- and they are just starting the rebuild.  So many things to manage.  And you don't have the comfort of your lost pets.  I know the feeling of not wanting to get another pet -- you just don't know where you will end up and when. Especially rebuilding.

Trying to pick out carpet and tiles and broke down in the carpet place (and I should feel lucky that I had insurance to pay for that-- but it is a battle to deal with all these different people.) -- when the one time it is pouring rain in CA.  Sometimes, it just feels too much.
I miss my dog (ironically named Smokey) so much.  He and my husband were such a pair -- I think they were meant to be together.  I tried to pull them out, but could not.

I didn't even know what happened -- I was in a coma for 2 weeks), but my dog was resuscitated by the fire fighters..  My poor step-daughter had to put him down after two days.  I don't know why God let him live for two extra days.  But maybe it was for a good reason.  He was never away from us (my husband mostly - because I have to travel for work).  He was nearing the end of his life and starting to be incontinent.  It hurt so much to know he was with strangers for two days and probably didn't know what was going on and why we left him.  I tried to carry him down the stairs, when I realized something was wrong in the house, but could not.
I only found out what exactly happened to him almost two months later -- everyone was confused.  The people at the shelter remembered Smokey -- and were very kind.  


I hope Ziti  -- you are able to comfort your cat and say goodbye.  I don't know how I could've made that decision.  It's really hard.  I didn't get to say good to my two men -- My big man and my little man.  The only comfort that I have is that they are together all their walks (they used to walk for an hour in the Mtns & creek -- and Smokey loved exploring.)

 

It is so very hard to be the one left behind -- I really do feel both of your pain.  It is very hard.  

 

 

[nammi_nammi]

Big hugs for you Ikb1963.  I'm so sorry what you're going through.  Finally someone who understands the pain of losing everything!!  But you've lost even more and have been going through this so much longer than I have.  I do still have my husband and son, and I grabbed my 2 birds as I saw smoke rolling toward them.  I can't imagine having to go through this all totally alone.  I wouldn't know the first thing to do.  We decided to get a double-wide so we wouldn't have to go through waiting on a house to be built, plus probably couldn't have afforded it anyway.  We're putting it where our other house was, though.  Has been a nightmare finding anyone to knock it down with the insurance money allotted us.  Thank God for tax time.  That helped some and finally found someone to work with us with what we had.  Now just waiting to get stuff done, and they're taking their dear old time.  House was supposed to have been finished knocked down yesterday, but it's not and now may have to wait through the weekend.  I know Ikb1963 - there's so much to deal with at once.  So many issues on top of each other.  One moment I'll be crying, then I'll be beside myself with anxiety worried about house issues.  Just not on an even keel at any moment.  And your beloved animals are gone.  Sometimes it felt my cats were what kept me going on.  My marriage has always been rocky, and my son has Asperger's and ADD.  I always felt that as long as I had my cats I'd be okay.  Things were alright.  

 

That had to be so traumatic for you trying to pull your husband and dog from the fire.  I'm sorry neither survived.  I have no idea why your dog was given 2 more days.  That's something we'll never be able to figure out.  And can't imagine being in a coma for 2 weeks myself.  Thankfully you're okay and are still here with us.  My head and heart have almost completely given up looking for my 2 cats that escaped.  My husband again looked this week while getting some things out of the house and found no skeletons or anything.  That had to be them we saw in the field 2 days after the fire.  It just feels so beyond me now.  The more time that passes - they could be anywhere by now if they're still alive.  One of them would've been 10 this year.  Neither had ever been outside ever - except one when he was very young before my husband rescued him and brought him to me.  I understand you breaking down at the carpet place.  I do similar things.  Yesterday I saw what was left of our house - one wall and lots of rubble.  I didn't even want to see that, but they were supposed to be done...  All the rubble.  I saw part of our Christmas tree and a coat hanger.  I had 3 baskets of clothes in my study that my Sweets liked to lay in before the fire that I hadn't dealt with yet.  My son brought me a broken cassette he found.  Who knows where the case to it was.  Found a couple books, too.  Just made me think of everything inside I lost.  The neighbors walked up to talk to us, so I had to hold my tears back.  I didn't want to see any of that.  I wanted to return when it was all done and covered in dirt.  Just lied in bed this morning not able to sleep thinking of things I'd lost that are going to be dug up and taken to a landfill.  We're in temp housing, too.  Just not the same as home, is it??  Though I'm grateful to have it.  We stayed with my parents the first month, and that wasn't the greatest idea.  Relations are strained now.  When I think of visiting, I feel anxiety, though I know I need to.  They just don't get the depth of the pain of it all.  And they think I should be okay now.  It is hard losing everything.  And yeah, not being able to say goodbye, too.  I keep thinking of the last moments I had with them.  That's all I've got left.  The nap some of them took with me that day.  Tadpole was stretched out behind me so comfy.  Chloe sitting on my jewelry box watching birds out the window...  I never got to give any of them a final hug or anything.  They had to be so terrified, and I didn't get to comfort them.  That was my duty as a pet parent to help them and make them feel safe.  Instead I was outside and left them in danger.  It is definitely very hard.  So many emotions.  Best of luck to you as you try to get your life back together.  More hugs to you.  If you ever need to chat, I'm here... 

[lkb1963]

@nammi_nammi 

 

Thank you for your words.  I cannot imagine how you deal with the loss of your beloved kitties and house and the stress of the rebuilding AND maintain being a mom and wife.  Your struggle is really tough.  I really have a chance for rebuilding my entire life.  This is sad and terrifying.  I think  -- I felt that at first (being numb), but slowly let "reality" - work & bills back into a life that really does not exist anymore.  It is hard to explain, I think being a programmer -- and artificial deadlines make things worse.  Also it is hard to deal with endless phone calls/letters/project management.  As you know -- nothing ever gets done on time.  Even if I do "manage" it. 

 

I do not have to maintain my relationship with my husband.  He is gone.  You have more strain on an existing relationship from a terrific loss.  I cannot even imagine how difficult that is.  It seems that you have had a lot of tough things thrown in your life.  Even though you have your birds -- you will always miss your kitties -- they helped you and your family in life.  Of course, you mourn for them.  There is no replacing them.  They probably helped you (and your husband and son) - in ways you could not have imagined.   I had to find where Smokey was after the fire (his body.)   No one really knew -- because all my/our family lived in another state.    My step-daughter could not get out to here until almost a month after the fire for the memorial.  I am fortunate that she put that together.  It is a very hazy memory -- I was still in the hospital.  

 

It is horrific to think about them(our pets/ husband) dying in a  fire.  I hope that your cats found their way to someone else's house.  I never imagined digging through wreckage and trying to find a skeleton. It probably does not give you any closure -- though.   You have a role that I had not imagined in my own grief and despair.  The role of caregiver.  Your cats probably gave you the something special that you needed.  You may tell yourself that you "have" to be strong for your husband and child.  .   Other people, think you should be over this by now.  They don't understand your despair.  They probably think that you are lucky - You and your family are alive.  But you are mourning so many other things.  A lot of loss.  

 

It took 3 months of having a bunch of "stuff" -- piled up while they examined the fire area.  They did not close the investigation until late November.   When I saw your Christmas tree was part of your rubble -- it brought back memories.  I am very fortunate to have insurance -- but as you know comes with a lot of issues.  I was told at the hospital, that everything would be rebuilt -- just like that!  Little did I know -- how much and how little things are valued.  Down are the old walls -- and still haven't put up new walls.  I did see boxes of wallboard last week.  The process is so very arduous.  When you think you are "over it", something else comes up.  There is very little physical reality left.  So your memories are trapped in your own brain.  Good memories and bad memories -- and their only outlet is in you.

 

Sometimes I struggle to hold on to something that isn't physically there anymore.  I think this is the hardest part.  You are not alone -- when you wake up thinking this will be resolved.  Unfortunately, we cannot rebuild - metaphorically.  But unless you walk away -- you will still be processing so many memories and decisions.

 

The structure of my house still remains.  From the outside, no one knew there was a fire.  It took the firemen at least 30 minutes of driving (it is somewhat remote) up and down our rode.  It was 3:00 in the morning -- I ran outside and called out to my neighbors for help.  I knew something was wrong, but didn't know it was fire.  Or I couldn't remember.  I just remember the wall of heat.   Apparently, it was so smoky it took 15 minutes to find my husband in the bedroom (once they found the house.)  

 

Just the process of talking about it helps.  And it is okay to wake up feeling overwhelmed -- your pets, house, souvenirs, memories -- were all taken away.  Those did not get build in one day -- or even one year!  So you will grieve, even if other people have moved on.  I really do understand.  Your last memory is of walking away (or running out in my case) -- not saving your pets.  I didn't know that was what I was doing -- I was just trying to get help.  I think that is one of the reason why Smokey lived for a few more days.  The Fire Marshall was proud of her firefighters for saving Smokey (she did not know he had passed.)  I see those picture of the fire-fighters saving a cat or dog on FB, and now I KNOW.  It was even in the local paper.  They didn't release my husband or my name -- but they put Smokey's name in the paper.
 

Maybe the fact that Smokey resuscitated  -- it helped the firefighters to fight another fire and save more people and pets!!!  

 

Right now I am in limbo.  I saw your struggle with wanting to adopt another cat (or more).   I would love to adopt a rescue pet -- but I can't in my state of flux.  I think people don't understand the responsibilities of good pet caregiver.  In my temporary place there are other dogs and cats -- so I go out and play with them, like you do.  It does not replace your need or desire to want another pet, though.  Right now, I am telling myself -- one day there will be another pet in my future.  And it gives me hope.