Loss of AYA (Adolescent/Young Adult)

[msmom]

Hi, My son (only child) was diag w/ rare cancer in May '11, passed away 12/20/13. His birthday is this coming Lincoln's birthday - 12th. My grief has so many compounding factors: (1) only child so not motivated by need/desire to live for other children or grands. my future was to be a grandmother (I wanted 5 grands and would help them),  I didn't choose to be childless which is fine for those who do (I almost did choose that when we got married  - I was 21- but then wanted him so badly as I matured towards 30/31). (2) he was an adolescent w/ unresolved issues of entitlement and need to separate (as is norm for those who go off to college these days). With little kids who die they say those relationships are unsullied and that's true. They do what you say, they adore you/you adore them and nothing complicated. With mature adults who are 25 or older they have matured (hopefully) beyond their issues w/ parents, starting to have appreciation more and more for them as they see how important family is and become grateful. So little ones and big ones go through cancer w/ gratitude for what they get. Adolescents do too but not always and not without having some issues. (3) cancer magnifies whatever you bring in to it, good or bad (grateful people become even more so, those who blame parents do so more) So he got cancer w/ issues and wouldn't work on them. For 2.5 years I moved mountains, east to west, north to south for him medically and to bring him joy while he mistreated me but I knew he was not likely to beat it based on diagnosis and not curable they said (they had no known treatment that works)., so I had to do everything so I could look back if this day came and say "at least I did everything". (4) he would not ever let us talk w/ him about feelings to have closure. to go over any wishes. to look in each others eyes to say all the things needing to be said. With sudden lose there is no opportunity for that. Usually w/ terminal illnesses the flip side of dealing w/ protracted care for years on end is that everyone gets to say what they need to so there is comfort, peace, closure. We had torture of cancer care AND no closure.  I feel like my life will be all about "busying" myself w/ activities to create a life for myself but in reality it will not be a life - it will be the shell of a life. A shallow, hollow empty life that only looks real or okay to those on the outside who have not suffered loss of an only child. I will go about my day coming home to my pain every day. Waking to it. Only getting break from it when distracted. Unable to feel real joy again. Unable to feel real anything again. Fake. I loved him so much. It's unbearable the thought of future without him as described. Anyone else have these complications, even just some or one? Thank you.

[shellykut]

msmom - I just read your post and my heart breaks for your loss. My 29 year old daughter died from leukemia in August 2010. She was my oldest daughter, I have a surviving daughter who is now 30. I can't imagine the pain of losing an only child. Our younger daughter has an almost 2 year old daughter. If I may ask do you have a husband or significant other to share your grief with? I understand what you mean about a sudden death vs. an illness that leads to it. I know several people who have lost a child suddenly and I often wondered which is worse. I'm sorry that your son didn't allow those words to be said or appreciate the lengths you went through to help him. May I suggest you come to the Loss of an Adult Child thread of this website. There are so many people there who are walking this road and who are kind, loving and compassionate people. You may also PM me anytime you want to chat. My prayers to you.  Shelly

[broken6513]

Our situations were different but I relate on so many levels. In 1992, when I was 19 I became an unwed mother. He was my entire world. For seven years it was just him and I until I had my daughter (still unwed). The three of us had a close unique family bond. People were amazed how close and open we were with each other. In 2004 I became disabled with a chronic bone disease. My son stepped up and really became a sort of father figure to my daughter, as hers was absentee. They had an amazing relationship. He was truly the rock in our family. In May 2011 he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in his arm (bone cancer). We were told it was treatable. He went through months of horrible chemo. We would spend three weeks a month in patient for months. And he had horrible surgery. Then more chemo. After chemo ended they did tests. Then told us if it recurs, it usually appears in the lungs. That's exactly what happened. He had two lung surgeries, back to back. Then it showed up again in lungs and also in spine. They told us he was terminal. His attitude was amazing, but his suffering was horrible. Watching him deteriorate was horrible. Hospice at home and having to see the changes in his body and seeing him cry in pain even though I was giving him iv strong narcotics, sometimes every two hours, was killing me a little every day. I felt so guilty sometimes wishing he would just die so he would be out of pain. Then when he did, all I wanted was to have him back. If I didn't have my daughter, I would join him. I am dead inside. I either am numb or am in extreme pain. I find no joy in anything. I've stopped faking my smiles. I don't even have memories, they are flashbacks. I'm reliving the most horrible moments. I end up sobbing uncontrollably and shaking. I swear I can even smell and see the moments. It's torture. Sometimes I resent my daughter for being here because it makes me to stick around. Her and I do spend a lot of time together and we share a lot of the same emotions. The times I spend with her, keep me going. I even feel somewhat normal with her. But only her. When my son was sick we were surrounded by people. Since the funeral, I barely hear from anyone. People have even told me I need to get over it. I want to punch them in the face! I spend my days in bed. My thoughts race. This is hell. 95% of the time, I have only two thoughts. I want him back or I want to join him. It's very lonely. My 15 yr old daughter has a busy social life and the friends who "pray" for me, I never hear from. Even family has stopped communicating with us. During all this I was diagnosed with breast cancer Oct 2012. I am done with my chemo and radiation with scheduled appts to see where I'm at. So many times while I was getting chemo and a friend was bedside with my son, it was torture. When he died, and since, all I can think is why couldn't it be me and not him. This living with merely existing, is no kind of life.