Members lost&alone Posted January 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Today it has been 1 month since Terry died and I am so lost. There are so many things that I need to do but I just can't. I have to write thank you notes to all the wonderful people that sent food, gifts & money but it is too hard. It just makes it seem too real. I know that I can't afford to stay in this house, but I can't even think about cleaning it out so that I can put it up for sale. The DVR is full of programs that Terry was recording & many of them are still set to record but I just can't erase them. Everything that I need to do is just a reminder that my husband, the man that I Ioved more than anything and spent over 33 years with is gone and never coming back. I have been having panic attacks lately. I am seeing a therapist, but right now I don't even know if it is helping or if I can even afford it. People keep telling me it will get better, but right now that is hard to believe. I just want to be with my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members frankly Posted January 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Hugs to you. I can relate. I understand the panic attacks too. They got so bad that just looking at food Jerry liked would send me into one. I had to get help there from the doctor. The anxiety became so bad that my heart rate wouldn't come down. I ended up in the hospital because of it. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know how to make it hurt less or how to face it. I'm still pretty new to this also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alone Posted January 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 lost&alone - there's no way to sugar coat this - it sucks!! I'm at 6+ months since my husband, my soul mate, the love of my life passed away. i won't tell you that things get better but I will say that the current state gets more familiar. I hate the term "the new normal" as I can't accept this state as normal. I did not have a house to sell but I had to move only 2 1/2 months after my Tom died. That was incredibly hard for many, many reasons. If you can, take some time deciding on whether you can keep your house or not. Only you know the answer to that, but I will tell you that I had to downsize twice. Once while my Tom was sick and once after he passed. There are so very many things that I got rid of that I wish I had now. I really needed to downsize further after the last move and decided to get a storage unit instead. And packing and unpacking my Tom's things was very difficult. Please make sure you have someone with you if you have to move or pack your Terry's things. I also moved quite a distant after losing my Tom. Today, I believe changing where I live was a huge mistake. I thought I was going home, but as the saying goes "you can never go home". I'm sure that I will become comfortable with this community but I made too many changes to quickly. Please take as much time as you need or as much time as you can to make the big decisions. Seek good counsel and be kind to yourself during that process. There are so very many triggers, aren't there? I started crying the other day because I ate chicken and my Tom loved chicken. As you move along this journey you will recognize many triggers and prepare yourself and then an unexpected trigger will hit you... like my chicken. All I can say is that this appears to be how grief goes. I also remind myself that great love equals great grief. When I'm really, really sad I remind myself that it's because my love for my Tom is so very, very great. I've posted this before, so please forgive my repetition, but deep breathing and the serenity prayer help me calm the panic attacks. The serenity prayer is like my mantra now as I've been saying it numerous times per day since June 2012. I pray that things get better for you and for all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members backyarder1 Posted January 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Lost&alone, I know when Tom died, I started acting like I HAD to do a bunch of things that really didn't have to be done yet. I started packing up some of his things and handling financial and legal affairs that really could have waited. My suggestion is to wait on as many of those things that you can. Most of them probably don't really need to be done right now and thinking that you have to do them now just adds to your stress. Take the time right now to just focus on yourself and your health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Annie_ Posted January 31, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 What has helped me with the anxiety (in addition to seeing a doctor for the panic attacks) is to make a list. Whenever I think of something else that I HAVE to do, I put it on the list. Some days I don't feel up to doing anything. Some times I have a "good" day and then I look at the list and find something that I feel up to dealing with. As backyarder said, many of the things we think absolutely must be done don't necessary have to be done right away. Spreading these kinds of tasks out has helped me to not get as stressed about them. My criteria has been that if I start feeling overwhelmed just thinking about the task, then it goes on the list for later. Oh, and I keep my list of the same sheet of paper so I can see the few things I've crossed off and it makes me feel like I'm making progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sophia12 Posted February 3, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 I relate well too. I lost my husband 8 days ago and I already started packing as my daughter and I want to move. We do not Iike it here and do not want to be here without my husband. We also have 7 animals and we can only keep 3 where we are going to rent. We own our home so we will have to sell it and we decided to rent. I do not want to own a home by myself and sink more money in this place. Sooooo I am trying to wrap my head around it all and overwhelmed.I lost my second husband 12 years ago. This is my third husband that just died so I am a widow, again! And it is awful and I don't know why God keeps taking my husbands. I know from being through this before that it will get better, it just takes time. Hang in there everyone! <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Pastors widow Posted February 3, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 lost&alone - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 31 years 18 months ago. I too had panic attacks the first few months. I had to take medicine to keep them under control. Only you can decide when the time is right to do things. I think a list is a great idea. When you think something has to be done, write it down. When you feel like you can deal with something, look at the list and do the one you can handle. The rest will happen when it is time. I hope that you have a support system in place to help you with some of these things. Let others help you. You DON"T have to do it alone. And do it in YOUR time. That's all I know. I just did things as I could handle them. I still find myself not being able to handle and do everything. I'm going to start a list for myself. Good advice, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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