I cant stop the guilt

[lhansch]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been looking for a space to express my feelings, and hope that I have found it here in this group. Thank you in advance to anyone who is reading this.

 

So my story begins with an alcoholic father, who was always a drinker since the day I was born.  For whatever reason, I always took it upon myself to try to get him to stop.  I would talk to his doctors all the time to seek advice and find out about his health.  It got to the point that I would secretly hope there was something wrong with his health that would make him have to stop drinking.  His drinking ruined my family, caused my parents to divorce when I was only 5, maybe thats the reason I felt it was my responsibility.  I dont know.

 

In June of 2013, my father had fallen out side of his apartment building where he lived with his girlfriend of 5 years.  She called an ambulance which brought him to the local hospital and then called me to tell me she was kicking him out and not allowed back in the apartment as he had been lying about his drinking for months.  This all happened around 9am.  I did what any daughter would do, got in the car and drove the 45 minutes away to make sure my father was alright.  As soon as I got there, i watched as he fought the doctors and nurses, refusing care because he needed to leave and get his next drink.  I tried talking to him, as he was over come with shakes from the withdrawls, telling me that he hadnt drank anything that day.  I just couldnt take the lying and broke down.  He was released from the hospital that day with nowhere to go.  He was homeless and i certainly wasnt going to allow him to come to my house and enable his behavior. 

 

For the next month I struggled to get him to go into a rehab facility to no avail.  He was living in his car for about a month before getting dizzy spells daily.  One night he walked himself to the hospital to seek help and tests revealed that he had a 90% block to his heart.  After a full week of detox and 2 more weeks of recovery they were able to place a cathater and he was released shortly thereafter.  By then I was able to get him a room at the local YMCA, which he finally agreed to after refusing for 3 days. 

 

At first, he treated his release from the hospital as a second lease on life.  He called me daily to give me updates on his health and promised that he was not drinking.  I suggested that he go to an AA meeting to get some support as dealing with an addiction is a very difficult thing to do on your own.  His response was "I am not an alcholic, that stopped in the hospital".  I was so angry at him for not wanting to fight this disease that I refused to talk to him anymore if he wasnt going to take care of himself. 

 

After about three weeks of staying at the Y, it was obvious that he had started drinking again because his behavior was very eratic.  I received a phone call one morning at 11am that he was found lying at the bottom of a stairwell in a puddle of his own blood.

 

I thought to myself, here we go again.  He bumped his head when he fell down drunk, again.  After finding him at one of the local hospitals (he was entered as John Doe), what I saw was so far from just a bump on the head.  They brought my sister and I into "the bad news room" to explain that my father had suffered signficant injuries and they were not sure if he would recover.  As the days went on the doctors became less and less optimistic.  They told us that even if he woke from his coma, that he would never be the same, never live a normal life.  As his medical proxy, I made the decision to refuse life support and he passed 3 days later.

 

I feel so much guilt about so many things, "should i have waited a few more days", "why couldnt i just accept him for who he is", "did he know I loved him", "could I have done anything more to help".  I miss him so much and I feel like its my fault.  Its been almost 4 months and i still feel like it was yesterday.

 

Any words of wisdom or advice are more than welcome.

[Racheliza]

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss & everything that you have been through. First of all, it sounds to me like you have been fighting to help your dad for years. In terms of any guilt related to his alcoholism, it seems that is just unfair to you. Alcoholism runs in my family also, & I have dated several guys with the illness & understand that A) It is no joke & B. you can't make anyone help themselves even with all the love in the world--& it's incredibly frustrating & sad. What happened in terms of life support--also, I say do not feel guilty. I was just there with my mom a few weeks ago making that decision, so in a way I have been in your shoes. You again, did the best you could. Your father's illness caused the accident which led to the injury. If he was unable to speak for himself I bet you anything you did what he would have wanted. You set him free from what was probably going to be a very painful existence. To me it's more selfish to keep someone alive "by any means necessary" just so you can keep them around. Don't know if that helps, but I'm thinking about you & wishing you peace.

[lhansch]

Thank you so much for your kind words Racheliza.  I just wish it was that easy.  I keep telling myself not to feel guilty, and the rational side of me knows I did the right thing. Its the emotional side that continuously spirals out of control.  I start to think about good memories, then the bad ones come to mind and all of a sudden i am thrown into a tizzy of horrible saddness and cant help but think what if.  I know im not the only one who has been through such a horrific loss, and hope that I can learn how to let the guilt subside the way so many others have.  I want to feel better, i really really do.

[Blackrock]

First of all guilt is part of grieve and that you care- therefore u have regrets. We all have regrets when a love one is no longer here. But I understand ur frustration and anger when seeing ur dad refusing to give up alcohol.

I was in the same boat. My dad was also an alcoholic. He passed away 2 months ago and it seemed like a horrible dream that I couldn't wake up. he was a kind man, a loving father and grand father. But he refused to stop drinking. After all it's also an addition and he wasn't willing to give up. but i learned to accept my dad's life style and tried to take make him happy. Same for you. Think that ur dad is now at peace. No more sufferings and he's smiling down from heaven.

U need to live and fight and be strong for your own family. Take it easy and fill ur mind with happier memories of him.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Ihansch,

 

Your story speaks to me in more ways than one. My dad was the same as yours, except that his drug of choice was cigarettes. No matter how much you could ask him to stop smoking, he just never could. He was a smoker all of his life and some long overdue tests revealed numerous health problems, all of which were going to eventually lead to his death.

 

I could never stand to be around my dad when he smoked, the smell was just terrible. I couldn't even breathe. How someone can put such a poison into their body is beyond me, but he was addicted and never wanted to quit. Some people just can't break away from an addiction once it has a hold over you, no matter how strong they may seem.

 

My dad suffered a stroke from a brain aneurysm and would never recover. I was forced to do what you did, let my dad go.

 

I feel like I could have done so much more to help my dad, if only I had put in more effort. It sounds to me like you truly went above and beyond to help your dad, and your love for him showed in that way. 

 

Please know that it was your dad's decision to continue living that way, not yours. I've learned that about my own father. It was never your fault for what happened to him. It could never be your fault. Trying to force someone to change what they believe is normal can only amount to even more strain and tension between the two of you.

 

Even if it didn't seem like it, even if it never seemed like it, you were loved. Your dad loves you and he is grateful for everything you did to try and help him. He made these choices himself, they were his burden to bear. Addiction is a cruel thing.