Lost my dad, i miss him, feel left behind...

[ale]

It is almost a year since i lost my dad to a stroke, actually he was my grandfather but i've always considered him my dad since my biological father was never in my life. so he was 75 when he passed and i was 23. he had diabetes and some other medical issues so i was the one who used to take care of him.  despite his illness he always had a smile on his face, loved dancing, making jokes, he had the kindest heart, he was the only person who was there for me, he was the best dad.

since he passed i see the rest of my family and they are all moving on with their lifes as if my dad was never here, I feel left behind.

plus a few months later my family and i had to transfer the remains of my baby brother who passed on 2002 which was really painful, and in May we found out that my grandmother has thyroid cancer, i just couldnt believe it,(it was the kind of things that only happen in soup operas) felt like God had left the building.

i cry everyday and I dream about him almost every night , many night i can't sleep and it has started affecting my job, my studies and my relationships.  Sometimes my mom asks me how am i dealing with everything, but i have never had a good relationship with her or her husband so i do not talk to her about it, although im really trying to have a relationship with my mom its really difficult to trust someone who's hurt you so many times before.

when i look in the mirror, i do no see the same person anymore i feel empty, like there's nothing to look forward to and i haven't gone out ever since my dad's passing and my friends have called many times but i just don't see the point anymore.

although i've been trying to have a positive attitude to go on with my life cause i know that's what he would have wanted for me. since he passed it seems like time has stopped for me. while the world keeps moving i can't.

anyone else felt this way after losing someone? will it ever be the same?
   
Thank you for taking the time to read/listen.

[Tom]

I am 64 years old - not far off 3 times your age I think. .

I have had a lot of 'life experiences' .

My Dad passed away last October and we lived together for 26 years and I was his carer for the last 8 years.

 

I have never felt such emptiness, guilt or devastation over anything in my life.

I cannot recover from my Dad's passing and the loneliness that I feel.

 

You are certainly not alone in these feelings.

Not age nor experience helps to overcome the feelings when you lose someone that you cared so much about.

One thing my age and experience does tell me is that I will NEVER get over the loss of my Dad, even though he was 91.

Hopefully, in time I will learn to accept it and carry on with some sort of life, but I will never be the same person again, I am sure of that.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Ale, you're so much stronger than you know. You've made it a whole year, and that says a lot about your character. I've barely been able to last 4 days without my dad, and yet it seems like 4 years. My entire outlook on life has truly changed after this.

 

I can relate to the whole thing about your other family members. They're like "give me a call if you need anything", but what do you really need? You need your dad, and that's the one thing they can't give to you. They try their best to help you, and I am sure they are hurting too, but no one but you knows exactly how you felt for your dad and how much pain you are in.

 

Please know that even though your dad passed, as every dad eventually does, what matters most is that you were there for him. You were there for him when it counted. Even though he can't say it now, he appreciates everything you've ever done for him, no matter how small or insignificant it might have seemed.

 

I know you are hurting and the world does look bleak, but your dad would have wanted you to get back out there and live. Try to live your life in his place. Don't shut yourself in forever. Make your future one your dad would be proud of.

[lilacbear]

Ok... so this is the first time that I have had the courage to write about my dad passing away and I am not even sure what I expect to achieve out of it. Perhaps writing down how I actually feel will help me work out how to move forward.

 

It all started in 2011 when my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. Firstly I should explain that both my parents are my best friends, I was totally a daddy's girl and he was the most amazing man that I have every known. Finding out he had cancer was not a surprise for me, I knew the minute he said he was going for tests that it was cancer. Everyone said I was being pesimistic but in my heart I just knew. He went into hospital for an ileostomy in Jan 2012 and had some complications after surgery. When they took him in for exploratory surgery they discovered that his whole internal organs were riddled with peritonitis. He suffered a massive heart attack during surgery and ended up in ICU for 2 weeks. 3 months of being in hospital and in various high dependency units, cardiac intensive care and another 2 heart attacks later, dad came home with congenital heart failure along with his bowl cancer.

The next year was pretty steady with appointments, follow ups, heart meds but there was never any follow up from the cancer. He had 21 out of the 24 lymph nodes taken out showing signs of cancer but he would have been too ill to do any chemo.

 

End of August last year, there showed an abnormality in his liver levels. His heart consultant called him in as this is a side affect of one of the heart drugs he was on. It was decided on the wednesday of that week that he would be getting an internal defibrillator fitted and that he would come of his drugs and all should be fine. I saw him on the Friday and he was beginning to show signs of jaundice. He was due to go on holiday for the next week and his consultant wished him a good time and that she would see him when he got back.

 

The day before they were due to come back my mum called and asked if i could pick them up from the station as dad was struggling. One look at him and i just burst into tears. He was heavily jaundice and I told him to call the doctor. I actually should have driven him to hospital there and then but he was a proud man and believed that if the consultant had thought there was any risk then he would have told him.

 

The next morning he called the doctor and was given an appointment at 6pm, by 5pm he had been admitted into hospital. Everyone still believed that he had had a reaction to his heart drug and everything was going to be fine. It was now Saturday and we were over for visiting hours, they were struggling to keep his blood pressure stable and due to weekend staffing levels suggested to move him down to HDU where there were more nurses etc. By the time we went to have a coffee and came back he was in full multiple organ shutdown..... blue, cold, clammy.... we were told at this point that there was very little they could do for him. Intensive care had refused to take him as he was too ill, if they had put him on the ventilator he would never have come off it. They started him on 2 heart drugs and said that they would give it a couple of hours but if there was no sign of improvement then they would withdraw treatment.

 

We left the hospital that night and expected a phone call to come in, the next morning came, no phone..... we went into the hospital to find dad sitting up in his bed shaving! This man was something else! Again, they offered him some lunch, we went for a coffee whilst he ate his roast beef sandwich and by the time we came back he was back in shutdown. Again, we were told that they would give it an hour and if no change they would withdraw treatment....

Dad being dad, never gave up and a new drug that was given to him stabilised his blood pressure and he was back in the world of the living. Due to the organ shutdown he was now going to require dialysis.... again something that we could live with..... but we were still no further forward as to the jaundice.... it was still believed to be an issue with his heart drugs.

 

The inevitable happened and on exploring the liver they found a narrowing of one of the ducts, 90% sure it was liver cancer. At that point we were told that it was terminal and head weeks, maybe days to live. This story sounds like it is going on for a while but this was in the space of a 1 week window after being admitted to hospital with jaundice symptoms. I will never be able to explain to anyone the look of fear and sadness in my dads eyes as he found out that he had days to live..... his grandaughter is the apple of his eye and all he could think of was how it was going to effect her. To have conversations with the man that you have unconditional love for and know that within days he is going to be gone is just the saddest and heartbreaking thing. 

 

He came home on the wednesday and passed away on Sunday morning. I am not sure if I will ever get those last few hours of watching him die out of my head and seeing his last breathe. 

 

I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I am writing this..... we are now 4 months on and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. My relationship has broken down, I have tried to be strong for my mum and my daughter and my work but there is no strength left in me. I don't let my mum see my tears as she needs someone to be strong and not show emotion..... so I hide them away from everyone. I have dreams every night of someone dying in front of me... started off as dad but now can be complete strangers. I hate being in public places with lots of people..... I look in the mirror and don't even recognise the person looking back at me.

 

People keep telling me that it takes time but with time it seems like friends forget what you are going through and that things are back to normal. There is that feeling of being alone..... and yet not wanting to burden anyone with your emotions. I feel that people expect me to be 'back to normal' and that to feel this way now is either unacceptable or just attention seeking.....

 

I am not sure if any of this makes sense but I guess it won't as I am writing this to try and make sense of everything.

[Noel]

I know exactly how you feel about the profound sadness at seeing his sadness. My father died the day after x-mas. 4 days before that he put his head down and cried. The "marlboro man" cried. And he said to me, " I thought I would at least make it to Christmas". I can't shake it from my head. I am so sorry for your loss.

[lisab]

Hello, 

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father too….a great man ("War Generation")….they don't make them like they used to!

 

I found a website called www.AfterTalk.com   It's a site where you can write privately to your deceased 

loved one.  It has wonderful Blogs too .

This has been such a profound experience for me.

I am writing to him kind of like he's there with me. I'm not writing ABOUT him, I writing TO HIM.

It's like for a brief period of time…..he's with me.

 

I've had so much go on in my family since my father died. 

I never realized how he held all of us together ….just by who he was.

I've written to him many times on AfterTalk when I overflow with what I am dealing with.

Only he would understand ….the way HE WOULD UNDERSTAND.

 

Anyway, love the quote from Mitch Albom ("Tuesday's with Morrie"):

Death ends a life, not a relationship".

So true.

Be well.

 

 

[claudiamarie]

I lost my father to Lung Cancer, cancer in his leg and prostate cancer this past July. There is no one to talk too, and I miss him very much. I wonder if there was anything else that I could have done to make his time on earth happier, but I did all I could for him, and I am still grieving. I am sorry for everyone's loss.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I am so sorry to everyone who lost their dad. Losing your dad is hard enough as it is, but losing him earlier than you should have just feels so wrong. My dad died at age 62. This was 16 days ago. It feels so unfair that others get to live while your dad doesn't. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve this sort of punishment, but there is no answer to be found, because you didn't deserve this, and your dad certainly didn't either.

 

Losing your dad is tough enough, but watching it happen before your very eyes can destroy a person. Especially to cancer, when there is no way you could have had any control of it from happening. My dad died from a brain aneurysm, which none of us could have predicted he had. It hurts so bad right now to be without him, and I always knew he would be gone one day, but never figured it would be this soon.

 

My dad was a smoker his entire life, but he was happy when he smoked and was never going to quit. He began to suffer from emphysema, which would make him feel unable to catch his breath, yet he continued to smoke anyways. He also was developing lung cancer which they discovered at the hospital, though I thankfully never had to witness him go through that first hand. I most likely would have felt even more terrible as I watched him waste away without any way of stopping it. That's pretty much the only good thing I can think of to come from his sudden passing.

 

I know I shouldn't blame myself for his death, but it's so hard when there's no one else around to take the blame. We all did all we could to love our fathers and bring them happiness. If we didn't love them this much, we wouldn't be here posting about how awful we feel now that they are gone. We're all going through the same thing and it's going to hurt. I wish I knew for how long, but there is no way of knowing.

 

There is no 'back to normal' after something like this. I can honestly say that this has changed me into a completely different person. There is a heaviness in my heart that does not feel like it will go away. I miss him more with each and every day. I try not to think about him, but that does not last for long and then the tears begin all over again. I don't care who you are, it's going to change you and it's going to be hard. Your dad is gone, and he was such a huge impact on your life, no matter how close or how far apart you were.

 

 

 

 

 

[WhereIsMyHome]

Kirbiboh - You're right.  There will never be a normal.  I can't stand the fact that there will never be a normal. 

 

Last night I started reading a book called, The Orphaned Adult, and could barely read it through the tears, because its descriptions are right on point.  The extreme loneliness of losing a parent is like no other.  You can't go "home" again, ever, to that parent.  No one else knew you as well.  No one else be so concerned, or so delighted. 

 

I attend a grief support group, and they call it, "the new normal," but I don't want a new normal.  I want the old normal.  I know that doesn't sound very mature and responsible, but I can't exactly feel mature and responsible right now.  Losing both of my parents within 2 days was such a shock that I still can't get even get over that part.  I can't talk to either.  The grief is intense. 

 

I am so sorry to everyone who lost their dad. Losing your dad is hard enough as it is, but losing him earlier than you should have just feels so wrong. My dad died at age 62. This was 16 days ago. It feels so unfair that others get to live while your dad doesn't. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve this sort of punishment, but there is no answer to be found, because you didn't deserve this, and your dad certainly didn't either.

 

Losing your dad is tough enough, but watching it happen before your very eyes can destroy a person. Especially to cancer, when there is no way you could have had any control of it from happening. My dad died from a brain aneurysm, which none of us could have predicted he had. It hurts so bad right now to be without him, and I always knew he would be gone one day, but never figured it would be this soon.

 

My dad was a smoker his entire life, but he was happy when he smoked and was never going to quit. He began to suffer from emphysema, which would make him feel unable to catch his breath, yet he continued to smoke anyways. He also was developing lung cancer which they discovered at the hospital, though I thankfully never had to witness him go through that first hand. I most likely would have felt even more terrible as I watched him waste away without any way of stopping it. That's pretty much the only good thing I can think of to come from his sudden passing.

 

I know I shouldn't blame myself for his death, but it's so hard when there's no one else around to take the blame. We all did all we could to love our fathers and bring them happiness. If we didn't love them this much, we wouldn't be here posting about how awful we feel now that they are gone. We're all going through the same thing and it's going to hurt. I wish I knew for how long, but there is no way of knowing.

 

There is no 'back to normal' after something like this. I can honestly say that this has changed me into a completely different person. There is a heaviness in my heart that does not feel like it will go away. I miss him more with each and every day. I try not to think about him, but that does not last for long and then the tears begin all over again. I don't care who you are, it's going to change you and it's going to be hard. Your dad is gone, and he was such a huge impact on your life, no matter how close or how far apart you were.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

To WhereIsMyHome:

 

The fear of losing my mom continues to grow after how suddenly I can go from having a perfect life with my dad, to living a shattered existence without him. Life is truly unpredictable, and I know now my mom may not be here for much longer with her failing health. I've never really shown my parents how much they really mean to me. I've been living like a spoiled teenager, even after my teen years. I've taken them for granted for so long and only now have I realized the error of my ways. In some strange way, losing my dad so suddenly has prepared me for the second, and hopefully last worst experience I'll ever have to face in my life when my mom is taken from me and I might just be able to cope better with it now that I've lost everything once.

 

I have considered joining a grief support group, but I've never been one to act "normal" in the first place, especially in social situations. I've grown so dependent on my dad always being here, always being the one I turn to and talk to. I've lived in this bubble for so long now, just my dad and I, that nothing else felt right except being with him. Now that he's not here anymore, I really do need to actually become an actual adult and live on my own, just as he had been preparing me for all these years for even though I didn't know it at the time. It's going to be quite a struggle, but I know I will manage. I have to find something to at least give me a sense of belonging in this world now that he is no longer here. Honoring his memory by living on through him is the best I can do at this moment.

 

 

Kirbiboh - You're right.  There will never be a normal.  I can't stand the fact that there will never be a normal. 

 

Last night I started reading a book called, The Orphaned Adult, and could barely read it through the tears, because its descriptions are right on point.  The extreme loneliness of losing a parent is like no other.  You can't go "home" again, ever, to that parent.  No one else knew you as well.  No one else be so concerned, or so delighted. 

 

I attend a grief support group, and they call it, "the new normal," but I don't want a new normal.  I want the old normal.  I know that doesn't sound very mature and responsible, but I can't exactly feel mature and responsible right now.  Losing both of my parents within 2 days was such a shock that I still can't get even get over that part.  I can't talk to either.  The grief is intense.