I'm angry with my dad, but mostly I'm angry with myself.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I feel this tremendous anger and guilt over what happened to my father. He died Saturday as the result of a ruptured brain aneurysm.

 

I feel like it's all my fault for what has happened. He had been a smoker his entire life, and it was finally catching up to him. He laid down on the floor, and was trying to catch his breath. This was one of these strange breathing episodes he had been having recently that would come and go after a few hours, so I didn't think it was so serious. He laid there and kept saying his head was hurting. How was I to know that he was dying right then and there?

 

I did not call 911 until it was far too late... that's how I feel. I could have taken two steps, dialed the number and they would have been that mere moments after he said his head was hurting. The rupture may not have damaged him so severely if he had gotten help sooner. I can't help hating myself because I think that he still could have been saved, maybe not completely, but at least to a point where he'd still want to be alive.

 

I'm angry with my dad because he had two aneurysms in his brain that could burst at any time but he never knew... He didn't take good care of himself. He never prepared me for this. How am I supposed to go on after losing my dad? He also had a mass in his lung which was most likely cancer, which would have eventually had caused him suffering too. I understand he was probably trying to protect me and not have me worry, but he's my dad, of course I want to worry about him. I love him.

 

I hope he will forgive me one day.

[remainhopeful]

Hello Kirbiboh:

This is not your fault.  Death is just an ugly enemy.   Remember that time and unexpected events overtake or affect all of us.  Somethings are just out of our control.  It is easy to look back and see what we could have done differently but life doesn't work that way.  Your dad would not want you to feel this misplaced guilt.   Focus on "how" your dad would want you to live your life.  The positive things he would want you to pursue.  I once read a quote that said, "to let past guilt affect present life is destructive living."   Honor your day by living a life that demonstrates respect for life.  A life in which you can picture him smiling with approval.  Feeling this misplaced guilt would not be what any loving parent would want for their child.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

remainhopeful,

 

Thank you. I'm slowly starting to feel less guilty about everything through a lot of reading and a lot of self reflection. You've helped a great deal.

 

My dad wanted only the best for me, he did everything for me. For me to break down into a pile of nothingness after his death was certainly not his plan for the rest of my life. It hurts so bad that he's gone, but I have to remain strong because he'd want me to. He never gave up on me, I can't give up on myself.

 

I know the aneurysm wasn't my fault, it was no one's fault. I'm just finding it hard to accept that one day he's here and then he's damaged beyond repair. Either way you look at it, even if he had gotten help sooner, he'd most likely had been needing a lot of therapy and rehabilitation just to get to continue living a normal life. A mass found in his lung was also most likely cancer from all of his smoking as well.

 

Once a rupture starts, brain cells begin to die rapidly. Who's to say how happy he'd even be after something like that. I never wanted him to die, but I also never wanted him to ever feel helpless or needy. He wasn't that type of person.

 

I'd like to think he was happy with how his life turned out.